Boundaries and expectations, two words that seem to clash harder than Thor and Loki, and yet it seems impossible to have one without the other.
The word Boundaries is defined as “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.” In discussing mental health and healthy boundaries one can define the word as being personal to them, (fluid, as in they create and uphold the boundary) and tends to be a sort of guideline, rule, or limit one sets to create and identify what they would consider is reasonable and safe for themselves. It is how they create the “line” or “limit” in how others treat them, or the behavior they are willing to accept. We should (and I do not use the word should lightly, it’s a word I do not typically like to use but will allow in this regard) set healthy boundaries for ourselves and the behavior we accept from others. Most of us already have some type of boundaries even if we are unaware the boundary exists. For example, in most cases its safe to say that allowing others to inflict physical pain upon us is unreasonable, regardless of the other persons reason for doing so. Yet, we often disregard the emotional and mental pain inflicted on us by others, due to lack of healthy boundaries, and how that impacts us. I want to be very clear as well in saying that setting boundaries does not mean that you utilize that as an excuse. In family systems for example, it is healthy and permissible for a teen/child to set a boundary in how a sibling treats them, but it probably isn’t permissible to set a boundary than entirely excludes the sibling (certain cases may warrant that, but for the sake of this discussion we will not address that type of boundary). A healthy boundary between siblings may look like:
Child A: If you continue with that behavior, I will need to ask you to leave my room. It isn’t okay for you to treat me that way.
Child B continues with behavior
Child A: I am sad that we can’t spend time together, and I hope that you will think about how you are treating me and how that makes me feel. Please leave my room until you understand why your behavior is wrong and you are willing to change it.
This is a great example of setting a healthy boundary. Child A was still kind yet firm and followed through with the boundary they set. They didn’t entirely exclude Child B, they set a boundary that stated they would not allow the behavior to continue, but when it ceases, they can return to spending time together.
Boundaries are healthy and important in all relationships. From family of origin to family of creation, and when we set clear, concise, and effective boundaries, our relationships often flourish and thrive because the expectations are clear. Most often we see conflicts arise from unmet expectations and disregarded boundaries.
Expectations can be defined as, “a strong belief that something will happen or be a certain way in the future.” One of the most important conversations couples can have for clear and effective communication is what their expectations are of the relationship and other person. No one can read our minds; therefore, we need to be willing to communicate our needs, wants and desires to obtain and maintain healthy relationships. This is why I made the reference of Thor and Loki- two brothers that have their own expectations and often find themselves at odds because of unmet boundaries established. They clash for various reasons, but one of the biggest being that they never communicated effectively. We all have expectations, even when we don’t think we do, and often we place those expectations on people in our lives without verbally communicating that to them or checking in with them to see if that is something they are okay with. Then we become upset when our expectations aren’t met, and this often leads to unhealthy communication and relationships.
We need to be willing to have the hard conversations. To sit down with people we care about, establish our boundaries, remind ourselves that we are only responsible for what we say and how we say it (not their reaction or how they internalize what is said), and then discuss our expectations. We must come to a place in our lives where we value ourselves, just as much as we value others. Where we respect ourselves just as much as we respect others. And where we are willing to set boundaries, just like we would encourage those we love to do in situations where boundaries are needed. If you are questioning whether a boundary is necessary, you can ask yourself the following questions:
1. Am I feeling any negative feelings toward this person (resentment, contempt, anger, disappointment, etc.)?
2. Is this an on-going behavior or violation?
3. Does it bother me substantially?
4. What do I give up when I do not set the boundary?
5. Will the boundary improve my quality of life?
6. Will the boundary improve the relationship?
7. Will the boundary establish where the relationship is?
8. What is the gain in establishing the boundary?
9. What is the loss in not establishing the boundary?
10. Why do I hesitate to establish the boundary?
Remind yourself that your boundaries are yours, and they are flexible. If you set a boundary for yourself or someone else, and then feel as though it needs to be adapted, you can always do that. It is time for you to recognize that you can set healthy boundaries, create healthy rhythms, and have healthy relationships. You can have expectations if you clearly communicate them and allow others to do the same. They do not need to work against one another, in fact, they can work quite nicely together to create the life you want to live. Ask yourself one final question, if your best friend came to you with the same thing, you are currently struggling with, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to suck it up, to deal with it, or to move on? Or would you encourage them, remind them of their worth, and tell them it’s okay to make changes that are necessary? Have grace with yourself, invest into yourself, and remember that we give from our overflow. Boundaries do not need to be battles, they can be a blessing when we see them as helpful, necessary and effective to our relationships and lives.