Surviving and Thriving after someone was drunk driving...

Life can change in an instant. Twelve years ago, I took my son to spend the day with his Oma and Opa. To have a pool day in the heat of summer, and just let my sweet four-year-old enjoy every moment before it was time for me to go back to teaching, and for him to go back to preschool. The day was truly wonderful. Laughs galore, and memories that will forever live in our hearts. On the way home we stopped at Target to get a few needed items and made our way back to our house. The entire drive (from my parents to my home was about 15 minutes). It was barely 9pm at night. I remember looking to my left as I set my signal to exit the freeway, and my son asked, “momma, are we almost home.” I responded, “Yes baby, almost there.” And then, as if we were cast in a scene from final destination our world exploded. I can still hear my son’s blood-curdling scream. I tried to slam on my brakes while it felt like our car was ripped in half, I was screaming for my son, “baby, are you okay, are you okay baby,” all while trying to bring the car to a stop, but the brakes weren’t responding. My son was screaming for me. After what felt like a lifetime, I was able to slow the car down and come to a stop. My door was jammed by whatever happened and I had to slam my body into it in order to open the door. My son’s door was nonexistent, and I had to pull him over my seat to get him out of the car. I held him so tight, and we dropped to our knees. We were both crying, shaking and totally unaware of what had happened. A woman approached me and asked if we were okay, she must have registered that I was in shock and told me that she witnessed the whole thing and that we were hit by a drunk driver. She said the ambulance and police were on the way and asked if I needed anything. During the impact everything in the car was displaced and I couldn’t find my phone, so thankfully this beautiful soul allowed me to use her phone to call my husband and parents. We stood on the side of the road and saw my van literally smashed and totaled. We survived. My son had asked if he could sit in the very back on the way home and something stirred in my spirit and I told him no, that I didn’t want to move his seat, and it would be faster for him to stay sitting behind me. If he hadn’t been in the seat he was in, he wouldn’t be here today. There was no trunk or back row left. Our minivan was turned into a 4-seat sedan from the impact. In the distance I could see lights and the lady said that two men pulled over with their trucks and blocked the driver in because he was trying to leave. The police, firefighters and ambulance showed up but went to him first, it took about 20 minutes for them to make their way to us after they arrived. They said he didn’t suffer any injuries. They examined us; my sons face was bloody from being hit in the face by something in the car, but he was okay physically, aside from that. They cleaned him up and examined me. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and they wanted to take us by ambulance, but I was already so anxious and just wanted my husband to take us to the hospital. We were there for hours, and I had to sign a waiver to be released.

The police report predicted that he hit us going over 100mph. That on impact he spun out and went into the shoulder, thankfully avoiding all other vehicles, so, by the grace of God, it was just the two of us that were involved. He was 4xs over the legal limit for alcohol and high. When they walked him past us to put him in the police car near us, he was laughing and smiling and saying, “what happened, I’m fine, I can go home.” He had no idea what he had done. The next year would continue to create trauma as him and his attorney did everything to avoid any type of repercussion for his actions. All I wanted was for him to get help, he was only 21 at the time. My son and I sought counseling, which didn’t go too well for us at the time. It was horrible trying to get an appointment to begin with (we had Kaiser at the time), and the wait was long. The intake process and subsequent appointments were anything but helpful, and I began to do my own research on how to help my son. Unfortunately, I was also let go from my private teaching position because of physical limitations due to the accident. I had no idea what to do. I loved teaching and never thought that God might have different plans. As I learned more about play therapy, God put on my heart to pursue a counseling psychology degree. He took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it for good. I knew that I never wanted another family or child to go through what we went through when we were looking for help.

That accident happened twelve years ago, and while I live with chronic back and neck pain, and my son and I were both diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder and generalized anxiety, I am beyond thankful that God had plans for our lives. Not everyone is able to walk away from these accidents. In the US alone, 29 people die every day due to intoxicated driving. That is 1 death every 50 minutes. Sadly only 1% of people who drive under the influence will ever face any kind of consequence for their actions. Twelve years later and we are still impacted by this “accident,” that could have so easily been avoided had this young man made a different decision. As crazy as it might sound, I thank God that he hit us and not a family in a smaller vehicle. That it was only us involved in that accident. And I still pray that he was able to turn his life around and find hope, help, and healing.

There are so many options these days. No one has to drive under the influence. And we need to do better and not allow others to engage in these behaviors. I am not sure what the answer is, but I know too many people personally that have suffered greatly because of drivers who are under the influence. There is help and hope. There are programs and people who care enough to help those struggling with addiction or risky behaviors.

When I look back at the picture I am transported to that moment, and while it is a moment I wish I could forget, its one that will be with me for the rest of my life. I am blessed to be here today. To have my son and to continue to share this testimony. The enemy meant to kill us that day, but God made beauty from the ashes.

This is part of my story. And it is what brought me to find my own help and healing. It allowed me to connect with wonderful colleagues and create a path for myself that allows me to help people every day. I am so honored and privileged to work with all my clients and to help them write stories they love for themselves. I know that life can change in an instant, and I do not take that for granted.

If you or someone you know is struggling call or text 988 or call 211 for local resources. There are also plenty of celebrate recovery programs, AA, and invitation to change programs.

What therapy is and who I am as a therapist:

Therapy is a place that you can come to be fully yourself. You can say what you need to say, feel whatever you need to feel, and trust that your therapist will hold a nonjudgmental and safe space for you to process. One of the things I like to go over with clients in our initial consultation call is who I am as a therapist, because let’s face it, we are all different, and what they can expect out of the therapy process with me. So, if you are here reading and are curious, let me do my best to explain myself and my process. 

As a therapist I promise to show up and be authentically me. I promise to be transparent with you, to challenge you to grow, and to guide you in your journey. I promise to model a healthy, loving and encouraging relationship with and for you, and that I will always be in your corner cheering you on and believing in you. I promise to hold hope for you, even and especially when, the hurt threatens to overtake any hope you might have had. I promise to work my hardest to help you reach your goals and write a story you will love being a part of. I promise to not make any empty promises. 

As a therapist I act as a guide, and you are the expert. I come alongside you and help you navigate your life currently, how the past has influenced the present, and how you would like to mold yourself to create a future that you look forward to. I will utilize a wide range of techniques, tools, and modalities to help you reach your goals. And I will work my hardest,but I can’t and won’t work harder than you. This means you must be willing to do the hard work, make the changes you want to make, and try new things. We might not always get it right, but we will always try, and if you are committed to the process, I can promise the process works. When we discuss what a therapist and therapy is, we also need to discuss what a therapist and therapy is not. 

As your therapist I am not a miracle worker or magician. I say this with love. I can’t magically make everything better, and I can’t work out all your problems. What I can do though, is help you navigate life, give you healthy alternatives and encourage you to grow and change to be a healthier and thriving you. I do not have a magic wand and coming to therapy isn’t a miracle answer. Therapy is hard work. It’s a place where you lay it all down, you sort through the hard stuff, you cry, you get angry, you want to give up. You question why you chose to do this, and if you should continue. But therapy works. That I can also promise. Therapy is messy and beautiful, and all the good things life should be. It teaches you to see yourself through new eyes, and it helps you to focus on the things that are most important. Therapy is painful. We are talking about all the things you typically avoid, and each week I challenge you with a new concept to try outside of session. Stagnation has no place in therapy. Even when it seems like we are stuck, there is work being done. And if you get to a place with a therapist where you feel like there isn’t work being done, address it. As a therapist I don’t have all the answers, and I am not always right. I have a genuine and empathic heart. I have strong intuition and often lean on that when I go out on limbs trying to connect the dots. I have years of training, and on-going training that equips me to help you in this process. While I don’t like labels, and I never have, I am able to diagnose and utilize the diagnosis as a lens to formulate the best possible treatment plan for you. But I promise to do that with you. I promise to discuss goals and to do my best to understand what you ultimately want to achieve through therapy. 

As your therapist, I am unlike other people in your life. I am not your friend, though it may feel that way. Trust me when I say, there have been clients, and I believe there always will be, that I could see as friends in different circumstances. Its normal to feel this way. We meet regularly, you share openly and honestly with me, I listen and reflect on what you tell me, I challenge you to grow and do so with love and admiration for who you already are. I genuinely care for every single client. And it is not something I can turn off when session ends. As a therapist, I think about clients outside of therapy. I pray for them, sometimes I will even check on them if my heart tells me to reach out. I want the best for you, and I am honored that I get to be part of the process. It is my job to model healthy boundaries for you,but that doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate if you call or text just to tell me something exciting. I guarantee I will scream with you in joy and celebration. Or, if something horrible happens, I will be there to sit with you and allow you to cry or simply be. Sometimes, I will even cry with you, because I am human too, and when you hurt, I hurt. As your therapist, I promise to see you fully. For whom you are, and who you have the potential to become. And I promise that, as long as you will allow me, I will work with you to create the life you want. 

As your therapist I promise to create a safe, loving, nonjudgmental and life-changing space for you. I promise to hold hope. I promise to sort through the hurt. I promise to guide you in the process. I want you to know that this isn’t my job, it’s my passion and calling, and I believe that God led me to this to help and to be a beacon of hope and light in the darkness. I won’t always get it right, I will make mistakes, sometimes I will be sick or need to cancel, or be gone on trainings, or take time off to be with my family, but what I can promise you is that while you continue your process I will be here. As long as you and God allow me to be, I will walk alongside you and cheer you on every step of the way. 

I might not have all the answers, but I promise to always do my best to understand you, encourage you, and guide you with truth and love. Therapy might not be magical, but magic does happen when we allow someone else the chance to fully be seen.

Boundaries and Expectations

Boundaries and expectations, two words that seem to clash harder than Thor and Loki, and yet it seems impossible to have one without the other.

 The word Boundaries is defined as “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.” In discussing mental health and healthy boundaries one can define the word as being personal to them, (fluid, as in they create and uphold the boundary) and tends to be a sort of guideline, rule, or limit one sets to create and identify what they would consider is reasonable and safe for themselves. It is how they create the “line” or “limit” in how others treat them, or the behavior they are willing to accept. We should (and I do not use the word should lightly, it’s a word I do not typically like to use but will allow in this regard) set healthy boundaries for ourselves and the behavior we accept from others. Most of us already have some type of boundaries even if we are unaware the boundary exists. For example, in most cases its safe to say that allowing others to inflict physical pain upon us is unreasonable, regardless of the other persons reason for doing so. Yet, we often disregard the emotional and mental pain inflicted on us by others, due to lack of healthy boundaries, and how that impacts us. I want to be very clear as well in saying that setting boundaries does not mean that you utilize that as an excuse. In family systems for example, it is healthy and permissible for a teen/child to set a boundary in how a sibling treats them, but it probably isn’t permissible to set a boundary than entirely excludes the sibling (certain cases may warrant that, but for the sake of this discussion we will not address that type of boundary). A healthy boundary between siblings may look like: 

Child A: If you continue with that behavior, I will need to ask you to leave my room. It isn’t okay for you to treat me that way.

Child B continues with behavior

Child A: I am sad that we can’t spend time together, and I hope that you will think about how you are treating me and how that makes me feel. Please leave my room until you understand why your behavior is wrong and you are willing to change it. 

This is a great example of setting a healthy boundary. Child A was still kind yet firm and followed through with the boundary they set. They didn’t entirely exclude Child B, they set a boundary that stated they would not allow the behavior to continue, but when it ceases, they can return to spending time together. 

Boundaries are healthy and important in all relationships. From family of origin to family of creation, and when we set clear, concise, and effective boundaries, our relationships often flourish and thrive because the expectations are clear. Most often we see conflicts arise from unmet expectations and disregarded boundaries. 

Expectations can be defined as, “a strong belief that something will happen or be a certain way in the future.” One of the most important conversations couples can have for clear and effective communication is what their expectations are of the relationship and other person. No one can read our minds; therefore, we need to be willing to communicate our needs, wants and desires to obtain and maintain healthy relationships. This is why I made the reference of Thor and Loki- two brothers that have their own expectations and often find themselves at odds because of unmet boundaries established. They clash for various reasons, but one of the biggest being that they never communicated effectively. We all have expectations, even when we don’t think we do, and often we place those expectations on people in our lives without verbally communicating that to them or checking in with them to see if that is something they are okay with. Then we become upset when our expectations aren’t met, and this often leads to unhealthy communication and relationships. 

We need to be willing to have the hard conversations. To sit down with people we care about, establish our boundaries, remind ourselves that we are only responsible for what we say and how we say it (not their reaction or how they internalize what is said), and then discuss our expectations. We must come to a place in our lives where we value ourselves, just as much as we value others. Where we respect ourselves just as much as we respect others. And where we are willing to set boundaries, just like we would encourage those we love to do in situations where boundaries are needed. If you are questioning whether a boundary is necessary, you can ask yourself the following questions: 

1.     Am I feeling any negative feelings toward this person (resentment, contempt, anger, disappointment, etc.)?

2.     Is this an on-going behavior or violation? 

3.     Does it bother me substantially?

4.     What do I give up when I do not set the boundary? 

5.     Will the boundary improve my quality of life?

6.     Will the boundary improve the relationship? 

7.     Will the boundary establish where the relationship is? 

8.     What is the gain in establishing the boundary? 

9.     What is the loss in not establishing the boundary?

10.  Why do I hesitate to establish the boundary? 

Remind yourself that your boundaries are yours, and they are flexible. If you set a boundary for yourself or someone else, and then feel as though it needs to be adapted, you can always do that. It is time for you to recognize that you can set healthy boundaries, create healthy rhythms, and have healthy relationships. You can have expectations if you clearly communicate them and allow others to do the same. They do not need to work against one another, in fact, they can work quite nicely together to create the life you want to live. Ask yourself one final question, if your best friend came to you with the same thing, you are currently struggling with, what would you tell them? Would you tell them to suck it up, to deal with it, or to move on? Or would you encourage them, remind them of their worth, and tell them it’s okay to make changes that are necessary? Have grace with yourself, invest into yourself, and remember that we give from our overflow. Boundaries do not need to be battles, they can be a blessing when we see them as helpful, necessary and effective to our relationships and lives. 

Parenting and Pandemics, Oh My.

It’s safe to say that the world we are living in now is very different from the world we knew, for many, even just a month ago. We have gone from over-crowded schedules to trying to figure out what to do with our time.

Our kids are no exception to this.

We have taught our children from early on to glorify busy. The more you do, the more that is on the calendar, the more you are involved in, the better life is. The truth is, many of us (myself included), often prayed for time. That time would slow down. That we would have more time with our children and family, that we would have more time to accomplish (fill in the blank).

Time is not our problem. What we find important is.

Our children are learning to navigate this in the same way you are, only they have a limited understanding of all that is taking place. If your home is anything like mine, we do not have cable, I do not watch the news (I check one news source daily online and limit my own exposure), and the only information the kids have is the information they overhear from us or that we share with them. But they are scared. They are worried. They are anxious. They are sad. They are dysregulated.

Their entire worlds have been flipped upside down and we are wondering why we see more behaviors, more acting out, more tantrums, more distancing or isolation… we question why they are responding this way, but are we taking the time to truly ask?

We are busy checking in with family, friends, neighbors… many of us even check in with community pages to see what needs we can help meet, but how many of us are checking in with our kids?

The reason I say time is not our problem is that we choose how to spend our time. Yes, schedules have changed. Our kids are not in school, many of us are home (more or all the time) and we are trying to fill our time. But what if we took that time and filled it with teaching our kids some healthy skills?

First: Connection. Do a daily check-in, ask the important questions. Teach them that they are allowed to have feelings and that their feelings matter. But also teach them that it isn’t okay to take your feelings out on others.

Implement a calm down area: put pillows, bean bags, blankets, sensory/fidget toys, play-doh, kinetic sand, stress balls, art supplies, books, journals, puzzles, pool noodles (to hit pillows/soft things when angry) and stuffed animals in the area. You can even put a “punching bag” or something it is okay to hit.

Your kids are ALLOWED to have emotions, and they will. They will have feelings. We all do. Feelings are normal. But you have a unique opportunity right now to teach them that feelings are not facts. That they can feel what they need to feel but they do not have to let those feelings control them. This is why the calm down area is great. You are teaching them self-regulation. It’s okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious (etc), it is not okay to hit your sibling, yell at someone, throw something, lock yourself in a room (etc). When they are feeling overwhelmed, they can go to the calm down area (have a timer in there to help them with keeping time), and when they are ready, they can return to their normal activities.

Second: Affirmation(s). When you ask your children questions about how they are feeling, affirm their feelings. Remind them that its normal to be feeling a lot of different things right now and that they are not alone. Explain that feelings are not facts and sometimes our feelings lie to us, they tell us things like “Nothing will ever get better,” but we know that is a distortion (thinking in absolutes (all or nothing thinking). Remind them that it can feel that way, but we know that eventually things will change, and things will get better.

Five questions to ask:

1.      How can I help you?

2.      What do you need?

3.      What would make you feel better?

4.      Are you hungry, tired or bored?

5.      Have you been creative, active, and helpful? And have you had any quiet time to rest your body and mind?

These questions require them to think, process and give answers that provide insight into their emotions. If they respond, “I don’t know…” you can always follow up with, “That sounds really frustrating, can I help you figure it out, or would you like some time to think about it?”

Third: Resolution(s). No one likes feeling dysregulated, especially children. They often become frustrated because they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling. Or they are afraid that it will upset you when they tell you how they are feeling.

Offer 5 minutes of unfiltered talk time. During this time, you cannot judge, criticize, comment or  offer feedback. They get to say whatever they need to say without consequence(s). At first this will feel odd, but it will open up healthy lines of communication and allow your children a safe space to be heard and understood. When the time is up you can follow up with, “Thank you for sharing all of that. Is there anything I can help you with that you would like to talk about more?” This way you are not only modeling active listening skills, but you are also providing them with the ability to ask for help when needed or to be autonomous and figure their own solutions.

Fourth: Empathy. Modeling empathy for our children looks like us leaning into the difficult conversations or utilizing our playtime to engage them to express their feelings.

Puppets, stuffed animals or dolls are great for role play, and when utilized often do not face the same barriers a face-to-face conversation would. When children are playing it is much easier for them to portray how they are feeling. If your children are too old for this type of play, you can always ask them to play their new favorite song for you or write a short story/poem or comic strip about a character who is going through pandemic life. It will give you great insight and allow you to connect with them on an entirely new level.

Once you are aware of how they are feeling, help them understand that these feelings are normal. You can share how you are feeling too, just make sure to convey that this is about them. “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I imagine this must be very scary for you. I am here if you want to talk more about it. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but there are times (insert role) mommy is scared too, so I know it is not fun to feel this way. I am always here if I can help in any way. Do you want to talk about some of the things that scare you?”

Remember, empathy is about connection and understanding someone’s feelings. It is not about feeling sorry for that person, or even knowing exactly how they feel. It is you trying to put yourself into their shoes. As adults, we don’t know exactly how they are feeling. This is the first time in my life that I have ever experienced anything like this, and I am an adult. I imagine this must be very scary and frustrating to our youth, especially all of those who are missing major life events because of it.

At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we CARE (connection, affirmation, resolution and empathy). It is not about having all the tools and techniques, though they are helpful. It is not about having all the answers, because no one does. It is about caring for them and how they are feeling. Showing them that we are there for them and allowing them space to feel and process. Our kids see how we are responding to all of this and they learn through modeled behavior. When you are taking care of yourself and them, they will see its okay to feel their feelings, but that their feelings to not need to dictate how they live.

Mom Guilt

If you are a Mother, to kids of any age, this one is for you…

I have lost countless nights of sleep due to this crippling thought process that arises as I try to close my eyes and allow myself to wake up to a new day.

Suddenly every. little. thing. I. did. wrong. Runs through my mind and I can’t escape the inevitable guilt that washes over me.

“Today I got upset… I yelled when I should have stayed calm… how can I expect them to regulate their emotions when I cant even regulate mine… did I really need to give a consequence for that… did I miss an opportunity to connect…yes, I missed a lot of opportunities to connect… I didn’t spend enough time with them… I didn’t create with them today… I didn’t do that beautiful thing that other mom does… I have to work so many hours… I don’t work outside of the home at all and don’t contribute to the home financially… my kids are missing out… I feel like I am failing them… I am failing them… I am the worst mom ever… my kids deserve so much better…”

I think you get the point. Maybe your thought process isn’t exactly the same, perhaps there are some feelings and emotions I missed, but overall, I think it captures the idea that, as mamas, we easily fall into the comparison trap and beat ourselves up. We focus on all the ways we are failing, instead of all the ways we are succeeding.

What we focus on multiplies.

Truth. Our kids just want us to be present. Even if that’s for 5 minutes a day, and they have our undivided attention. They don’t need the fanciest clothes, or newest toy (though they might get upset when they hear the word no), and they don’t need you to do everything perfectly. In fact, they need to see you mess up. They need to hear you ask for forgiveness, that’s right… you made a mistake and now you need to own it and ask them to forgive you. They need to see that we all have bad days, or make bad choices because no one is perfect, and perfection is an illusion… its something out hearts yearn for, but we will never have this side of the world. They need to see that you make mistakes because it gives them grace to make their own… everything is a learning opportunity. When you had kids, you weren’t given a manual. We are all figuring it out as we go, and the crazy part is, what works for one WILL NOT work for the other. When they see that you are not perfect, they will understand it’s okay for them not to be perfect. It’s okay to make messes, but we must learn to clean them up. It’s okay to get upset, but we shouldn’t act out when we do. It’s okay to make a mistake, but we need to find a way to correct it. Kids do NOT do what you say, they do what you do. They learn through modeled behavior. What your kids deserve is a mom who loves them fiercely and who wants what is best for them. If you are reading this, I can tell you one thing assuredly, you are a fantastic mom.

Yes, you. You are a fantastic, loving, kind-hearted, worried mom that wants to get it all right. You worry about your kids. You worry while they are at school and if they are too bored at home. You worry if they are learning enough, and if they have enough time for free-play and creativity. You worry if them hearing you say S*** will suddenly turn them into potty-mouthed punks that disrespect everyone they come across. You worry about their attitude. You worry if they are safe and if they would come to you with anything big that needed to be disclosed. You worry if they are sleeping enough and eating well. You worry if they have good friends and are making good choices. You worry about how much you worry about them, and if your worry is messing them up.

And the crazy part is, the moms who worry are the moms that are wonderful… (I am not saying if you don’t worry about all of these things you are anything less than wonderful, I am just saying that in most cases, as moms, we all tend to worry about the tiniest details, and the love is in our worry).

Mama let me tell you clearly, LOVE covers a multitude of wrongs ((slightly paraphrased) 1 Peter 4:8).

The most valuable thing I can share with you is this… create connections. If you have multiple children, take time each week, it doesn’t have to be lengthy or expensive, to spend time with them individually.  Have those heart conversations. Start a journal between the two of you, you’ll be surprised what they put in it. Have 5 minutes a day of unfiltered talk time… they can say anything they need to, no consequences or judgement. Ask them open-ended questions. Take an interest in what they like, even if you can’t remember Charzard from Charmeleon, or Princess Poppy from Elsa… they love that you want to know. Encourage them, but also help them with areas in which they can grow. Its important to remember that no one is great at everything, and even our kids struggle in certain areas or have bad days. Grace goes a long way, and when all else fails, grace upon grace.

At the end of the night, regardless of how bad the day was, remember its just a bad day and not a bad life. You are not unredeemable, your kids are not unredeemable, the situation is not unredeemable. Sometimes we have to start fresh, try new ways because the old ones aren’t working. We have to be willing to admit what works and what doesn’t, and also to create healthy boundaries around our lives to build the lives we want. As mamas we are multi-tasking geniuses… we do it all and then some. But don’t forget mama, that you are important too. That your well-being, mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health matters. That you can’t pour from an empty cup and its important to be in community with others that can pour into you.

Your kids, they love you. They love that you love them, that you are there for them. That you sing to them, or play with them, or read to them… they love the little traditions you have and the rituals you create, and the truth is, they love all the little things you think no one pays attention to. They love you just as you are, exactly as you love them… and I have heard from some older-wiser mamas, that when they say they hate you; you are *actually* doing your job. So, rest easy mama, your kids are amazing because of your amazing love.

Remember mama, mom guilt is real, but so is Gods grace, and grace wins every time.

The Pressures of Adolescence and how we can begin to help.

The pressures of being a kid or teen in our society today are monumental. Constantly being “on,” and never being able to fully unplug, or at least feeling like you can’t, has left them stressed, highly anxious and much more depressed than previous generations. They report higher levels of loneliness, isolation, disconnection and dissatisfaction with life in general. The appearance of always being “connected” has created an illusion in the minds of their parents and makes us susceptible to missing all the signs of depression and anxiety, amongst other things like self-harm and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Aside from this, it is also one of the most competitive generations we have yet to see. “Normal” has become the worst possible thing to be, because in order to achieve success you must be set apart. They push themselves harder, taking more difficult classes and larger class-loads, they sign up for community service along with tons of extra-curricular activities all while losing sleep and forgetting when they ate last… did I mention that they also drink large amounts of caffeine, and we are not taking into account all the other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Of course, this does not account for each child or adolescent, but in general we are seeing higher levels of stress and feeling like they have no where to turn. They often hear things like, “You have nothing to be stressed about... This is life, you just need to suck it up… Its time that you learn to grow up and deal with this stuff… You can’t use your anxiety as an excuse… You have nothing to worry about… Just wait until life gets really hard…” and the list goes on. Also, we often forget that just because someone is a child or teen it does not exclude them from having big emotions or bad days, and yet we expect (unknowingly many of the times) perfection. We expect them to fall in line, to do what we say, to never talk back, to not have attitudes, to never be upset about something, to pull it together and to basically be sunshine and rainbows because why would they have feelings other than joy?

When they try to come to us about the hard things and we dismiss them because we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to help them, we essentially tell them that we aren’t safe to go to and they need to deal with it alone. This creates a dynamic for isolation and frustration. It is okay if we don’t always have the answers, we need to let them see that too… often, they just want someone to hear them out, to validate their feelings and what they are going through, and to be there for them unconditionally.

The preteen and teen years are some of the most difficult! Not fully adult, not fully child… everything changes and is changing around them. They will (sometimes) make bad choices, that doesn’t make them bad. They will (sometimes) make mistakes, that doesn’t mean they are stupid. They will (sometimes) forget to do things, that doesn’t mean they are lazy. They will (sometimes) become overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean they are weak. They will (sometimes) struggle with relationships, that doesn’t mean they don’t want them. They will (sometimes) do things that make you angry, but it doesn’t mean their behavior was personal!

The number one thing I tell families is that behavior is a symptom; we (all) act out when we are struggling to communicate. Behavior is rarely personal, and usually has far less to do with you than it does with themselves. During these years it is imperative that we offer unconditional love and support, which is not devoid of natural consequences and boundaries, but that allows them to learn through growth opportunities. If we never make mistakes, we will always be complacent and there can never be growth in comfort.

We must come together to help them understand that it is normal to feel things, to make mistakes, to struggle in certain areas, and to need someone to connect with and talk to. If you don’t feel equipped, that is okay, and it is also okay to tell them that and encourage them to get help from a professional by making the appointment and supporting them in the ways you know how and are capable. One of the best things we can do is to teach our youth that we all have limits and limitations. We do not know everything, and we do not know how to fix everything. Furthermore, it is okay to lean on and rely on someone who does know more than us. We can reach out, connect, ask for help and learn that we all have giftings and a purpose in this world. Their lives matter and they have a unique purpose; sometimes it can feel like life is crashing in on them and it is hard to see and have hope for a brighter future, but our job is to model how, even through the darkest times there is still hope and there are still people who care.

It is time we stop isolating our youth further by diminishing their struggles and start allowing them to express themselves and be there for them. We wont ever be able to fix everything or have all the right answers, but some things you can do right now are:

Listen to hear not to respond.

Give them a set time (like 5 minutes) to just talk… no consequences, no rules, and no restrictions. They get to share openly without judgement.

Validate their feelings.

Offer hope.

Help them connect with someone who can help.

Be understanding.

Be fully present.

Understand that bad choices don’t make them bad.

And allow them to make mistakes and figure out who they are.

 All of us adults were once in this place, and we know how it felt to be misunderstood and alone. Just imagine adding the pressures of social media and connection, while feeling alone, and increasing the pressure to be perfect  because their lives are always on display. It is time to understand that their struggles are real, and when we pretend they are not, we are doing a huge disservice to them, ourselves and our world. It is often said that it is easier to raise a healthy child than to fix a broken adult, and I agree whole-heartedly. We can help them be their version of healthy by being there for them, loving them and trusting that they know how they feel. We can help by being there, reaching out to others, and allowing them a safe space to be. We don’t need to have all the answers, we just need to connect and love them unconditionally.

Write your story: Self-Esteem and Self-Love

I remember being a young girl and just wanting to “fit in.” I had moved to California from Germany when I was 7 and I left everything I knew and all my friends behind. I didn’t speak English and my family had to work, so it was basically just me. We lived in a mobile home with my grandparents at the time and I remember seeing the kids walk past our house and desperately wanting to connect. So, I did. I just started talking. I don’t know what they said to me, or to each other, I just remember their puzzled faces. They didn’t understand anything I was saying, which makes sense, since I was speaking German. One of the girls took an interest in me though and she started to come by, and we would communicate in any way we knew how. We grew very close and once I started school, I began to learn the language quickly and easily.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

Once you can understand what people are saying, their words have power. My bullying began with someone who was supposed to love me and protect me. This person would say awful things when I was younger, they would berate me, tell me I was ugly, tell me I was no good… they would say I would never have friends because no one likes ugly people. This person called me horrible, horrible names. The behavior continued all the way through high school, and I know for a long time I internalized it. But my lack of self-esteem didn’t manifest in typical ways, with self-hatred and self-punishment, instead, I became a people-pleaser.

Back then I didn’t know that my desire to be liked by everyone stemmed from the internalization of what this person said to me. I just genuinely cared about people and their feelings. Perhaps because I knew how deeply words could pierce your heart and I never wanted anyone to endure the heartache I did for so many years. I became the person that everyone could go to. I was the helper. The healer. The fixer of all things. I took on everyone else’s problems and it soothed my aching soul, though it added tremendous weight to my heart.

You see, self-esteem is complicated.

There is no “recipe” that you can follow to suddenly stop internalizing things or struggling with self-image or self-hate. There is no cookie-cut answer that I can give, or a solution that fixes everyone’s problems, because self-esteem is directly related to “self,” and each person is a complicated mix of nature and nurture (or lack thereof). I could suggest tools and techniques, I could give you all the ‘cliche’ answers, but the truth is, I know (personally) that most of the time what we truly need is to go on a journey of self-discovery. We need to understand what has hurt us, what has helped us and then we can move toward what will heal us. The hardest part is often sitting in the hurt. For many years I believed that if I ignored it, it wouldn’t bother me. The truth is it just manifested in other ways like anxiety and panic when I felt out of control or things weren’t perfect… it resulted in my deep desire to make everyone and everything around me ‘perfect,’ and to never show less of myself. I was going to create the image I wanted others to see regardless of the toll it was taking on me. It resulted in insomnia and depressive episodes, hurt and broken relationships, and eventually a week-long hellish bout with panic. It took me literally thinking I was going to die to realize that what needed to die was my flawed ways of thinking.

I am not sure what you see when you look in the mirror.

I am not sure what you believe based on what others have told you.

I am not sure what you have internalized.

I am not sure what you wish you were or were not.

I am not sure how long this process will take you.

I am not sure of exactly what you need.

What I am sure of is that you are perfectly imperfect just the way you are.

We all have the ability to grow. To see ourselves for what we can become to reach for our goals, dreams and aspirations. But if you are truthful with yourself, you would acknowledge that if it costs you your person-hood it probably isn’t very healthy.

Self esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.

What I do not see in that definition is anything about being perfect, having it all figured out, or a specific definition of what you need to be in order to have confidence in yourself and abilities. Its interesting that self-esteem and self-respect are directly correlated by this definition. Meaning to be devoid of self-esteem would be devoid of self-respect, you can’t have one without the other.

If you are struggling today, there are some things you can begin doing right now that can help you. But I think often when we jump to the solution without addressing the core problem, we simply bandage a festering wound. With that being said, some practical things you can incorporate into your day are:

·         Using positive affirmations- affirm what you believe you will be.

·         Identify your strengths and then utilize them.

·         Have compassion with yourself and grace.

·         Address and deal with any cognitive distortions

·         Eliminate harsh self-criticism

Self-esteem is something I am very passionate about. I truly believe that everyone deserves the chance to, not only believe in themselves, but love themselves. We live in a world that will constantly compare us and measure us by never-ending increases in expectations and standards. The bar is always moving and there is no arrival.

You get to determine your worth; No one gets to speak lies into your life unless you let them. You have the ability to seek truth, to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, to rid yourself of toxicity and to start fresh if you need to or want to. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, nor do you need to be someone else’s convoluted version of yourself for their benefit. To the wrong people you will never be right, but to the right people you will always be loved fully and wholly for who you are and who you want to become.

Today you have a choice, you can continue down this path. To feel these feelings, to believe the lies, to struggle… or you can take the first step to living the life you deserve and one you will love. There is nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for someone to walk alongside you for the journey, and whether you do it alone or with the help of someone else, you are brave, you are amazing, and you are perfectly imperfect. You can choose to write a story you will love. You can choose to write a story where you love yourself.

Moments

I look back at my life and all I can do is to think of all the things I have done wrong; incomplete, let-downs, mistakes…regrets. I face my failures at every turn, and they seem to be chasing me with an ever-increasing fervency. I desire to escape the treacherous history, to leave behind the things that serve me no useful or healthy purpose, but it appears that I am forever in bondage to the pain of my past. I want so desperately to escape it, to find some hidden cave in which I can hide. Perhaps this is why I have been feeling this way for so long; my soul deeply downcast within me, overwhelming sadness and despair, a hopelessness that eludes to all-encompassing darkness. My anxiety grows within and I feel the sensation that I am falling; falling endlessly to my own ruin, death is before me and I see no hope for a future in which this pain does not exist. These moments have become my definition. Worthless, empty, broken, despised, rejected, forgotten, failure. How can anyone overcome these pits of despair? How can I see even the sliver of light people inquire of me to search for? When darkness engulfs you it is impossible to see clearly… I am searching, I am grasping, but my hope is fading as these moments threaten to overtake me. I wish not to be defined by them, but the weight they carry is a burdensome load.

We all have moments where life feels like it is more than we can bear to carry. We become trapped in our history, defined by the things that are meant to break us. We allow these thoughts to creep in, and then to plant themselves so deeply that we feel rooted and intertwined with them. We forget that light ever existed, because in the darkness you are filled with lies. Your mind is a powerful tool and it creates alternate realities rather easily. If you go to a place that is devoid of manufactured light and you stare at an object long enough, your brain can literally make you believe you are seeing things that aren’t truly there. Perhaps a tree suddenly becomes eerie in the dark; or you get the sense that you are threatened, someone must be lurking. The dark is only scary until your eyes readjust, you find light to focus on, and you realize the moment of darkness didn’t overtake you.

I know that our past often impedes on our future; it thrives when we believe the lies. We all make mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. We all fail sometimes, but you are NOT a failure. When we allow the moments to define our memories, we steal not only the present but also our hope for the future. We do not have to be held captive by moments. We can acknowledge that they happened, we can accept the lesson and move on, and we have the power to focus on the moments that matter.

Why is it that we are so very good at focusing on all the negative things in our lives? Why do we allow those things to define us so deeply? Yet we quickly forget all the good we have done, the life we desire to live, the hope we held to so tightly. I want to remind you today that you are more than those moments. You are more than the mistakes that you have made. You are more than the things you keep hidden in fear that exploring or acknowledging them means you accept them. Here is the truth, not a single person can live this life without messing up… none of us leave here unscathed. Some of us do learn to let go of the things that hold us back and keep us down; perhaps never fully, but enough to understand that moments don’t define us, we define our moments.

You have the power within yourself to not only define your moments, but to change your story. You might not be able to erase your past, but you have the ability to grow through all you’ve gone through. You can change the way you see yourself and the world around you. The moment you choose to focus on what is best for you, what is healthy for you, what you want your future to look like is the moment you have decided to let go and lean in. You lean into the things about you that you struggle with, it’s okay to accept those parts too, knowing that not a single person is without their own faults. You lean into all the good things about you, the things people admire and love, the truth that others have spoken into your life but you have always brushed off. You lean into your past and change “why did this happen” to “what can I learn.” You lean into your accomplishments just as much as you have leaned into your mistakes, and you decide what growth looks like for you.

However dark the past has been, those moments only define you if you give them the power to. Today, I want you remember that you are so much more than a single moment in your life.

Pursue your purpose

Life has a funny way of taking us down roads we never even knew existed. Sometimes those roads are twisty, bumpy and dark; they leave us with an uneasy feeling and a desire to get back to familiar pathways. Other times we are traveling on smooth, fragrant and sun-drenched roads that leave us feeling refreshed and renewed. Either way, you are in the driver’s seat.

We can’t control everything around us, more specifically, we can even admit that control is an illusion, set to trap us into thinking that perfection exists this side of heaven. Metaphorically speaking, if you were being taken down a path you do not want to be on you still get to make the choice not to be there, you can choose to leave that path. (This of course is different for survivors of abuse, there are situations that I need to make others aware of that leave a person not only feeling helpless but many times hopeless.) But when we are talking about relationships, family, friendships, our jobs, and generally our lives, we do have choices. We get to decide how we respond, what we allow, and what remains in our lives. We must choose to pursue the lives we want, to live purposefully.   

It isn’t easy to change. So many of us resist change in every possible way, but change is inevitable. And, you are better at it than you think you are. Every day is a new day, every day you make minor changes to the way you live. Whether its how you got out of bed, what you had for breakfast, the dinner you plan to make, the calls you answered… there is change in every day. You don’t even realize that. You are so used to these minute changes that they have become second nature, and you are so good at transitioning through them that they cause no distress. Sometimes our lives require bigger changes. Sometimes we realize that relationships aren’t healthy, perhaps they are even toxic. Or maybe, you realized that you just can’t continue living the way you have been. Recognizing it is the first step to change, but after that, you have to pursue the change. I have never known anyone who said, “I know I need to change the filter on our drinking water, so I will wait for it to change.” When you know the filter needs to be replaced, you change it… why? Because that’s how change happens, you take an active role in the change. While that might sound like a silly analogy, we all know its true. Many people want their lives to be different, but few people want to change to achieve the life they want.

We must choose to be purposeful in our living. To decide what we expose our hearts, minds, bodies and souls to. We must not only be aware, but active in ridding our lives of toxicity. It can manifest in the forms of relationships, in lack of self-care, in addictions and impulses; toxicity often tells you that its your fault and nothing will ever get better. But it will only stay this way as long as you allow it to. Read that again. Right now, you have the ability to change course. You have the ability to pursue a different life, one that is healthy and fulfilling. You have the ability to put an end to the toxic things in your life and set healthy boundaries. You have the ability to find peace, love and happiness. More than that, you deserve to live a life you will love. You deserve good (and healthy) things. Read that again. Regardless of what you have done in your life, the mistakes you have made, the past you can’t change, you deserve good things.

The good news is, you can make those changes now. You do not have to wait; you can literally say to yourself I am done with this road and find another. You can turn anything around. Sometimes tragedy takes us down roads that are dark too, and sometimes its okay to be in the darkness for a little while, because honestly, sometimes sitting in the darkness allows the pain to absolve and for us to gain our hope back by focusing on the sliver of light we see ahead. You do not need to feel rushed to pursue your purpose; you get to choose how to live your life and when you want to make the changes. But change begins with you. If you do not know where to start you can always reach out to someone who can walk alongside you for this journey. The beauty of this life is that each day we are given new chances. You get to decide what your journey will ultimately look like; truth, you will come across darkness, everyone does. You will hit some road bumps, everyone does. But when you pursue your purpose the only one that can stand in the way of achieving it is you.  

Declare your purpose and pursue it fervently.

Suicide: what we all need to know.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. It brings up all types of feelings. Those who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideation often feel like the world would be a better place without them. They report feeling like a burden to others and that they have no value. Many report feeling guilty that they continue to feel the way they feel, and worry about bothering others. They feel like they have no value, like their life doesn’t matter and that nothing will ever get better. This is especially true for those struggling with long-term mental illness. The people who love those with these thoughts often struggle to understand why “they can’t just get better,” or believe that, “thinking about suicide is selfish…”

Those who struggle with thoughts of suicide or suicidal behaviors/attempts often feel self-loathing, they are plagued by negative thoughts and often truly feel like they have no purpose. The pain becomes unbearable. Death becomes and option when it is more enticing than living through the constant hell inside their minds.

It is important to remind them they are NOT a burden, they are NOT unloved, and they are NOT unworthy. That we will be there for them, no conditions.

We still have a long way to go, especially within the church and mental health, but it all begins with one person having an honest conversation. Mental illness is real, and there are situations (suicide included) that people are in need of specific types of care; Mental health professionals that are trained to help and connect people with the proper resources. It is time we open a conversation and learn the facts, saving lives starts with understanding.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among the youth (ages 10-34) in our nation. The United States ranks number 27 out of all the countries for completed suicides; This includes those countries where they must report assisted suicide in their numbers. It is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and there are more than two times the amount of suicides (47,173) than homicides (19,510) recorded in the span of a year.  

Suicide does not discriminate. These thoughts can creep up on anyone, and no one is exempt. There are some common risk factors, that include, but are not limited to:

·         Previous suicide attempts

·         History of substance abuse

·         Physical disability or illness

·         Losing someone close to you by suicide

·         Exposure to bullying (including cyber-bullying)

·         Having a mental health condition/illness

·         Recent death of a family member or friend

·         Access to harmful means

·         Relationship problems

·          

It is important for us to pay attention, not only to those we love, but to all those around us. People who are suicidal often do not appear suicidal to others. Suicide doesn’t have a “face.” It can be all of us. There are some “typical” warning signs which can include the following:

·         Negative view of self

·         Hopelessness and helplessness

·         Isolation

·         Aggressiveness and irritability

·         Possessing lethal means

·         Feeling like a burden

·         Drastic mood change or change in behavior

·         Frequently talking about death

·         Self-harm

·         Engaging in “risky behaviors”

·         Making funeral arrangements

·         Substance abuse

·         Making suicide threats.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are cared for, loved, valued and cherished. The world needs you. You are important. I know that right now, in the darkness, it is difficult to see the light, but I can promise that there will be someone to walk alongside you as you look to see it again.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

We can all help. We have to know the signs for suicide, we can reach out and stay involved with friends that we know struggle or suddenly withdraw, we need to be willing to have a conversation about it, we can be direct and ask the hard questions, and if you think someone is suicidal stay with them, listen to them and take them seriously. You can help them get help by connecting them with the crisis line, or if they are in imminent danger you can call 911. It is important to remember that you are not alone, your friend or loved one (or stranger that you are trying to help) is not alone. We all want the world to be different, we just have to be willing to be the change. It starts with us. Every life matters because we all have a purpose. You are needed. You are loved. You are important.

Statistics taken from:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml

Parenting Preteens

Parenting is both one of the most difficult and one of the most rewarding jobs of our lives. We go through seasons as a parent, and each season brings both welcomed and unwelcome changes. Whatever season you are in, please know that being in community with others in your season makes such a huge difference. There are times it can feel like you are all alone, times when you think “Has anyone ever dealt with this?!?!” and then you meet someone who has, and the whole world makes sense again.

Today I want to focus on Parenting for Preteens. I think this is a delicate group of kiddos, and we need to be mindful that we have important jobs and roles in their lives during this season. This is a time of change for them. Typically, they start middle school (which means changing schools), they often change friend groups, they change or become more concrete in their interests, their bodies change, their emotions fluctuate, they are trying to make sense of the world in an entirely new context. Suddenly children are thrown into social media, “Because everyone has one MOOOOMMMM” (my (unpopular) opinion is that kids/preteens and even some teens do not need social media. It tends to have more negative consequences than positive gains) and they become fixated on a world presented as perfect. This age group also experiences an increase in anxiety and depression, and several other mental health concerns (like eating disorders, OCD/OCPD, body dysmorphia, etc). We still see them as our babies, but their world is not in the least bit infantile anymore.

The number one thing to remember is that their emotions matter. Their feelings matter. Why, because their perception IS their reality. What they believe is real, regardless of how much you want them to believe its not. When we negate their feelings, or make it seem like they are inconsequential, we are really conveying, “you are not important to me, your feelings don’t matter to me.” I know that is not at all what you are wanting to convey. I know that it can be stressful to listen to all the “little things,” but if we don’t listen to the things, we think are little, they certainly will not tell us the things we think are big. Everything they share with you is of importance. We might feel like they have nothing to worry about, stress over, or be upset about, but the reality is, they do. The reality is, they are humans and they have the same complex emotions adults do, often with far less effective coping skills and difficulty trying to process it all. They look to us to see what they should do. That does not mean that you throw all boundaries out of the window, of course they still need to maintain their values and morals, but what it means is that maybe you allow them 5 minutes (or more, depending on what you feel is appropriate) a day where they can share with you unfiltered. I mean that, UNFILTERED. No judgments, no consequences, no talking on your end… just listen. You will be surprised as to what you hear and how much this builds trust in your relationship.

The next important thing you can do to foster a healthy relationship with them is to set aside special time with them. Maybe your kiddo likes to grab Starbucks every now and then, go, it will mean so much to them. Maybe you can go shopping together or do something they thoroughly enjoy doing. Listen to music together, create something together, watch a movie or show together, really anything is great, as long as you are together and building your relationship. You can even save up for things together, so you are setting goals and making them a priority.

Lastly, it is important to remember to choose your battles wisely. Think about how you want to be spoken to and cared for. When you are escalated, their attitude will escalate as well. When you are upset, angry, frustrated, yelling or tuning them out, you are teaching them to do the same thing. Remember, they do what you do, not what you say. They will make mistakes, we all do. They will learn and grow through them if you allow them to. It is your job to walk alongside them and provide a safe haven, to be a place of solace in all the craziness they will experience. When we are overly critical, harsh or judgmental we are modeling that those behaviors are acceptable and that they really aren’t safe to come to you. We want to be clued in and aware of what is going on in their world, but if we get defensive and angry with them all the time, we are just pushing them away, not pulling them closer.

The overall goal is to be a mindful parent. You won’t be perfect because perfection is a lie, but every time you honestly try, they will see it. When you make a mistake and ask for forgiveness you are teaching them vulnerability, trust, mercy and forgiveness. When you go to them and genuinely show an interest in them and what they like, you are modeling healthy relationships. Our kids need us, even though they are more independent and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, they need us to model for them what a healthy individual looks like. A healthy individual has boundaries, they know their role(s) and they utilize their skills to best fill them, they reach out when they need help, they stay in community and connection with like-minded people, they are always looking for opportunities to grow, they participate in things that fill their lives with joy, they make mistakes, they apologize, they feel sad or anxious sometimes, they need rest. A healthy individual is the best thing we can model for our children because we know that behavior is cyclical, they will do what you do. I don’t know about you, but I have never felt at my best when someone is angry with me, yelling at me, or making me feel less than. In fact, when that happens, I tend to turn away from that person because no one wants to be treated that way, EVEN if they are in the wrong. Constructive criticism is built on a trusting foundation and it requires people to be kind and gentle in the midst of offering something that will benefit and allow the other to make a gain. If someone comes to me and reminds me how hard I work and how dedicated I am, and then they offer me great advice on how I can be more efficient with my time so I am not so stressed, I am much more likely to lean in and trust that person. Why? Because I know they have my best interest at heart.

Today, regardless of what has happened, look that precious baby (that’s not a baby anymore) in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Affirm all the good you see. Remind them why they are important to you. Fill them with love and build your relationship on that foundation. No one can change the past, but we can surely navigate our current situations to be different and positive, and we can create the story we want to live together. If you are in a place of brokenness with your preteen remember that change starts within. When they see you making a genuine effort (and it might take longer than you’d like), they will eventually turn toward you again. We can’t wait for them to change their behaviors; we must be willing to model that change first. I know there will be hard days, days it seems impossible, days you want to crawl under a rock and hide (or eat lots of chocolate in a closet), but I promise, like everything else in the world, this too shall pass. Take a step back, breathe, allow yourself to be in a good place and then try again. They need to know that you will not give up on them, and that your love is unconditional.

Kids and ADHD

With school being in full swing again, we see a lot of kiddos struggling to keep up with the demands of the classroom. I mean, lets talk about that for a second. We expect our children to not only go to school, but be told what to do all day (every day), to sit still, focus on activities that do not engage the way most of them learn, and be a shining citizen while we are at it. Not to mention, the schedules are INSANE! My kids wake up at 5:30 am (my daughter needs her time in the morning, no joke) and get dropped off by 730 and 8:00 am. They don’t officially get home until 3:30 pm, at which point they have already been awake for 10 hours. Factor in another hour (at least) of homework and by the time they are done its basically dinner, showers, reading/story and bed.

Can you thrive under those circumstances? I know I am tired, and I can’t imagine how they are feeling.

The bigger picture that needs to be considered here is the idea that no two children are alike, and yet we place them all in the same categories when it comes to school. General education or special education. Kiddos that have specific learning disabilities, are in need of behavioral interventions, or have diagnoses like ADHD are all in the special education category. Meaning, they somehow receive services and interventions that help them learn to the best of their ability.  Current studies indicate that 9.4% of school-aged children have a diagnosis of ADHD, broken down that looks like this:

388,000 children ages 2-5

Approximately 2.4 million children ages 6-11

& Approximately 3.3 million children ages 12-17

Out of those children it is reported that nearly 2 out of 3 also have a co-occurring mental health disorder, 1 out of 2 have a behavioral or conduct problem and 1 out of 3 experience some form of an anxiety disorder.

Currently it is reported that 62% of those with a diagnosis of ADHD take medication and 47% are receiving behavioral treatment.

Let’s talk symptoms, typically males are diagnosed with ADHD in far greater frequency than females. The reason for this could be that there are different combinations of ADHD, and males typically exhibit the more overt symptoms like hyperactivity, while females tend to struggle more with talking excessively. Some other common symptoms are:

Self-focused behavior(s)

Interrupting

Trouble waiting their turn

Emotional turmoil

Fidgeting

Problems playing quietly

Unfinished tasks: struggles with multiple sequence directions

Lack of Focus

Problems with organization

Forgetfulness

And the key, symptoms in MULTIPLE settings. Meaning, your child will struggle at (example) school and home.

What this all means; we have a lot of kids struggling, and less than half receiving behavioral intervention outside of school. I encourage you to talk to your pediatrician if you think your child may have ADHD, and to communicate with the school. You will be your child’s number one advocate. This can all be scary, especially when it is new. The information can feel overwhelming, and while ADHD has a lifetime prevalence in most cases, that doesn’t mean that your child will always struggle or not be successful. It simply means, they learn differently, they need a different approach. I love the quote by Einstein, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” It is our job to help our kids thrive. To help them see their potential. To help them understand that different is not bad. To guide them through this process, be a safe place for them, and help them to the best of our abilities. Every child has potential, and just because someone is different, or struggles differently than you doesn’t mean that they are less than.  

All of this to say, we put a lot of expectations on our children. We fill their lives with “to-dos” and stifle their creativity and play time. We shorten recess at school, we overextend their extra-curricular activities, we allow them to be plugged in (often so we can tune out, ouch), and we expect them to thrive. If we want to see change in our kiddos, and we want to see them doing well and not struggling the first step is to reach out and connect with others that can help. We have to allow our children time to be human, we have to give them space to feel their feelings, and we need to find ways that help the person they actually are, not the one we want them to be. Every child can thrive, we just have to learn how to help them.

The part everyone is waiting for, practical tips:

• Routine is key. Creating and maintaining a balanced schedule really helps kiddos with ADHD thrive.

• Give them lots of reminders, and grace for when they forget (its literally part of the processing issue)… 10 minutes until we leave, 7 minutes until we leave… 5 minutes until we leave, etc.

• Break directions down into 1 thing at a time and build their tolerance. “Please get your shoes. Please put on your shoes. Please get your backpack, etc.”

• Plan ahead: lay out clothes, pack backpacks and lunches the night before, have them by the door and accessible, check for shoes/jackets and be prepared.

• Remind yourself its not personal. They aren’t doing this to you, its how their brain is wired. Yes, we can learn new ways of thinking/coping, but that takes time and practice, which means mistakes and grace.

• Lessen their load and allow them time to be creative and express themselves.

• Connect with others that have similar life situations and remember you are never alone. The statistics in themselves show how prevalent ADHD is, you don’t have to face it alone.

• Reach out and talk to someone. Find a good therapist, lean on your support network and know that you just being there, offering love and support, that is what matters most.

If you already know that your child has a diagnosis of ADHD you can reach out to a qualified therapist who can help your child behaviorally and help your family adjust. Behavioral modification can do so much for kiddos that just need a little more help, and some guidance for the family as they learn how to help their child. If you suspect your child (or yourself) is struggling with ADHD feel free to take on of the free assessments below.

Child Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-children/

Adult Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/

*Statistics taken from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html

Back to school: Child and Youth Mental Health

Back to school can be an extremely stressful time for all children, even more so for those who struggle with mental health. It can create and complicate anxiety, depression, phobias, and  more. Childhood mental health is crucial, and while we have made progress, we are far from “having it right.” So many of our youth today hear things like, “what do you have to be stressed about?” “Just suck it up and stop whining…” “its all in your head.” Reaching out for help isn’t even an option for many, because when they have made attempts, they have been immediately shut down. School counselors are over-crowded, often with hundreds of students to one counselor. Teachers are not properly trained, and parents are often ill-equipped; they don’t know where to turn for help or they think their child should have perfect days.

Our kids are faced with so many pressures. Social roles, grades, extra-curricular activities, home lives, siblings, friendships, and more. Yet they are often expected to never be tired (or act as if they are), to never have bad moods (because, I mean let’s face it, bad moods are unacceptable), and to always do their best. But what if their best is simply making it through the day? What if their genuine best was having that meltdown instead of retreating internally and feeling like they just want to die?

1 in 5 children/youth will or currently have a serious mental health diagnosis. Most lifetime cases begin by the age of 14. The sad part is, they typically go an average of 8 to 10 years without intervention or treatment.

We must do better.

Statistically speaking, 20% of our youth live with a mental health condition, 11% have mood disorders (like depression), 10% have a behavioral disorder, and 8% have anxiety disorders. In our youth, aged 10-24, suicide is the THIRD (3rd) leading cause of death, and 90% of those who died by suicide had an underlying mental illness.

We MUST do better.

Of course, there are warning signs or symptoms, including but not limited to:

Feeling sad or withdrawn (2 weeks+)

Sudden and overwhelming fear

Intense worry that gets in the way of daily activities

Drastic changes in behavior

Difficulty concentrating or staying still

Severe mood swings

If you notice any of these, or even a change in your child that is not normal for them or their character, talk to them. Even if you don’t know what to say, just being present and supportive is crucial to them. You can say things like:

I am here to listen.

Do you want to share with me?

What can I do to help right now?

You are not alone.

You can talk to their pediatrician or primary care provider who can give you referrals. You can seek help from a mental health professional/therapist. You can work with their school and you can look to connect with other families.

Childhood mental health is important and our kids and youth face more than many of us could ever understand. Many of them carry the burdens of their home, schools, peers and more on their shoulders. They are going through major life transitions and they do not know where to turn, or that there is help. Mental illness is treatable. Suicide is preventable. We can do better for our kids and teach them that emotions are normal, that its okay to struggle but its not okay to get stuck. We can teach them that they have a voice and they are important. That their struggles are real and matter. We can show them that we are there for them and help them through the darkness. Our kids and youth deserve to be heard and loved, regardless of what they might have going on emotionally. They deserve to have people in their corners who are supportive and understanding and will help them help themselves. They deserve to know that, even the darkness doesn’t last forever, because just as the sun sets every evening, it also rises every morning.

Child/Youth Anxiety scale:

https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/ScaredChild-final.pdf

Child/Youth Depression Scale:

https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/PHQ9.pdf

https://cesd-r.com/

*Statistics taken from:

https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/Infographics/Children-MH-Facts-NAMI.pdf