A Letter From A Therapist...

This is a time like no other. We are all facing uncharted territory and trying to stay afloat amidst a chaotic sea of doubt, fear, worry, panic and isolation. We are told to refrain from connection (person-to-person contact), which is so life-giving to so many. We can no longer walk trails or beaches, which provides an outlet for nature lovers and reprieve from the constant day-to-day stressors. We are not allowed to gather with family, friends, our churches. Many have lost their jobs. Kids are not allowed to go to school. There are shortages everywhere. The medical community continues to cry out for us to stay home, and many of them feel as though they are sinking.

We have never seen this before. We have never known this particular struggle. Many of us were completely blindsided; not because others knew this was coming, but because most of us never thought something like this would. As I sit here and write this, I am still trying to reconcile all that is going on.

Virus— Pandemic— No Cure— Shortages— Isolation— Loss— Grief

As a therapist I can tell you that no two days are alike for me either. That’s what grief does to you. Some days you have reached acceptance, and others you face denial or bargaining; others still, you are angry or depressed. Some days I can go about, and it almost appears as though nothing is out of sorts, nothing from the outside world can penetrate the bubble of safety I have created in my home. Other days I grieve deeply. For the loss of human life, the loss of financial security, the loss of physical/emotional safety, the loss of consistent meals for so many, families being separated, the loss of large events like graduations and weddings, the loss of plans, the loss of aspirations and dreams, the loss of freedoms we so often took for granted. I grieve for these losses so deeply and my heart aches as I pray for a cure; I pray for total healing and restoration. As I navigate through this with my clients, I can’t help but feel that things are different right now. Many of my sessions, like most others I assume, are about what we are experiencing. There is a loss for words, and silence has become more normal in sessions. But even in that silence I hold hope.

You see, the only thing bigger than fear is faith. And I have faith that we will pull through this. Not unscathed. Not unchanged. Not without exponential loss. Not without grief.

But we will pull through.

I am not only holding hope for my clients anymore, I am also holding it for myself, my family, my friends, my faith community, other clinicians… I feel like I often hold hope for everyone and anyone that needs me to. But I want you to know something, I am hurting too. I see you. I see the deep grievances you face, and it hurts me. I see the uncertainty as we meet through video sessions, and it pains me. I see the fear in your words through our correspondences and I worry for you.

I worry that I was not trained for this. I was not trained to walk you through a pandemic. I was not trained to know what to say, what to do, what to give you in this moment. And if I said I was, I would be lying. This is new to me too. Every day I am learning. Every day I am relying on my intuition and my knowledge to help me piece things together. Every day I remember why you might be feeling this way, why emotions might be magnified. And I ache for you. My heart breaks that you are facing triggers you haven’t in a long time. My heart breaks that anxiety is heightened and depression is magnified. My heart breaks that you have to face yet another tragedy, that you are walking through more trauma.

Please know, my heart breaks for you.

But I want to turn this around now, I want you to see all the things that I am seeing too. I want you to know my heart in this, because if we can’t be vulnerable now, I don’t know when we ever will be.

·         While I was not trained for this, I am here for you.

·         We are experiencing this trauma together, so like I always tell you, everyone’s trauma threshold and response is different. You can lean on me.

·         I will always hold hope for you.

·         You will once again find hope for yourself.

·         This will not last forever.

·         We will get through this.

·         I know you feel stuck, and that your emotions are heightened right now, but you do have amazing new coping skills that you can utilize.

·         Feelings are not facts, and you know how to remind yourself of truths.

·         Your progress is not derailed.

·         Regression is a normal state of progress. Read that again.

 When we face uncertainties, we can often become disoriented; feeling as though we are not truly certain of anything but our fear. But fear is a liar. We are not held captive by fear unless we allow it to hold us captive. We can choose to see things differently. It is not always an easy choice to make, but you do have the power to do it.

I want to remind you (or equip you) of some coping skills you can use. I think its great for all of us to have these in our toolboxes.

Deep Breathing:

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably, close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, and exhale through your mouth for 7. Repeat 3xs.

Grounding:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

Mindfulness:

I want you to find a safe and comfortable space and either sit or lay down (it can either be in a quiet room or with your favorite music playing softly in the background). I want you to visualize a place of complete serenity. I want you to picture all the different colors you see, the landscape or place you are in, what does it look like? What can you touch? What can you hear? Is anyone with you or are you alone? What can you smell? What can you taste? I want you to visualize yourself in this space. I want you to feel yourself completely free of worries, fears and doubts. I want you to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are safe. You can stay in this place for however long you would like. When you are ready you can open your eyes.

Follow up activity: find a picture or create a picture that reminds you of this place and hang it somewhere you will see it often and be reminded that you can utilize mindfulness to reset and feel safe again.

Other effective coping skills:

·         Healthy sleep and eating

·         Journaling

·         Being creative

·         Connecting (phone/video/email/text) with people you love

·         Exercise (wear a mask outdoors or find fun stuff to do inside, dance parties are awesome!)

·         Read a good book/listen to music/watch your favorite movie/tv show

·         Practice self-care (a warm shower/bath, spa day at home, a cup of coffee with the fireplace on…this can be anything that is healthy for you and makes you feel good).

Above all what I hope this message conveyed to you, is that you are not alone. We are all in this together, and that there will always be people who care and want to hold hope for you. I would be lying if I said this was easy, and I wanted to share my heart today and let you know I am worried too. But what I also know is that worry is like a rocking chair, we go back and forth but we never get anywhere. Its okay to sit in the chair sometimes, because sometimes we just need to acknowledge our worries. But worrying can not add anything to your life, it just takes all the good things away. I needed you to know that I have been spending time in this chair too, and that it is normal. I do not want you to judge yourself right now (or ever really). I want you to acknowledge your feelings. To be present. To be mindful. I want you to practice your coping skills and self-care. I want you to reach out. But more than anything, I want you to be well. I want you to be safe. I want you to be thriving.

There is so much pain and heartache right now, but there is also so much hope and healing taking place. I see it all around me too. I see people connecting in ways they haven’t before, faith becoming stronger, communities pulling together while distanced. I see people doing the hard thing and staying home, staying away from those they love BECAUSE they love them. I see all the “essential” workers and that they continue to show up and be present for us all. While we might be distanced physically, I am not sure we have ever been closer emotionally.

To whomever needs to hear this right now, I want you to know you are loved, valued, treasured and cherished. Your life matters. You have a purpose greater than you know, and there are people who deeply care about you and your well-being.

Its okay to be tired. Its okay not to have a schedule. Its okay to eat ice cream for dinner (maybe not all the time 😉). Its okay to do nothing. Its okay to stay busy. Its okay to talk on the phone. Its okay to ignore a phone call. Right now, in this moment, I want you to give yourself permission to do a self-check-in and to write down everything you have been holding inside. Then drop your shoulders, breathe deeply and release the tension.

Remember this, it is always one day at a time, but sometimes we have to take it moment by moment too.

This is new. This is scary. But I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And we are in this together.

Lovingly,

Melani Samples

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

This season is about redefining… make it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

Mom Guilt

If you are a Mother, to kids of any age, this one is for you…

I have lost countless nights of sleep due to this crippling thought process that arises as I try to close my eyes and allow myself to wake up to a new day.

Suddenly every. little. thing. I. did. wrong. Runs through my mind and I can’t escape the inevitable guilt that washes over me.

“Today I got upset… I yelled when I should have stayed calm… how can I expect them to regulate their emotions when I cant even regulate mine… did I really need to give a consequence for that… did I miss an opportunity to connect…yes, I missed a lot of opportunities to connect… I didn’t spend enough time with them… I didn’t create with them today… I didn’t do that beautiful thing that other mom does… I have to work so many hours… I don’t work outside of the home at all and don’t contribute to the home financially… my kids are missing out… I feel like I am failing them… I am failing them… I am the worst mom ever… my kids deserve so much better…”

I think you get the point. Maybe your thought process isn’t exactly the same, perhaps there are some feelings and emotions I missed, but overall, I think it captures the idea that, as mamas, we easily fall into the comparison trap and beat ourselves up. We focus on all the ways we are failing, instead of all the ways we are succeeding.

What we focus on multiplies.

Truth. Our kids just want us to be present. Even if that’s for 5 minutes a day, and they have our undivided attention. They don’t need the fanciest clothes, or newest toy (though they might get upset when they hear the word no), and they don’t need you to do everything perfectly. In fact, they need to see you mess up. They need to hear you ask for forgiveness, that’s right… you made a mistake and now you need to own it and ask them to forgive you. They need to see that we all have bad days, or make bad choices because no one is perfect, and perfection is an illusion… its something out hearts yearn for, but we will never have this side of the world. They need to see that you make mistakes because it gives them grace to make their own… everything is a learning opportunity. When you had kids, you weren’t given a manual. We are all figuring it out as we go, and the crazy part is, what works for one WILL NOT work for the other. When they see that you are not perfect, they will understand it’s okay for them not to be perfect. It’s okay to make messes, but we must learn to clean them up. It’s okay to get upset, but we shouldn’t act out when we do. It’s okay to make a mistake, but we need to find a way to correct it. Kids do NOT do what you say, they do what you do. They learn through modeled behavior. What your kids deserve is a mom who loves them fiercely and who wants what is best for them. If you are reading this, I can tell you one thing assuredly, you are a fantastic mom.

Yes, you. You are a fantastic, loving, kind-hearted, worried mom that wants to get it all right. You worry about your kids. You worry while they are at school and if they are too bored at home. You worry if they are learning enough, and if they have enough time for free-play and creativity. You worry if them hearing you say S*** will suddenly turn them into potty-mouthed punks that disrespect everyone they come across. You worry about their attitude. You worry if they are safe and if they would come to you with anything big that needed to be disclosed. You worry if they are sleeping enough and eating well. You worry if they have good friends and are making good choices. You worry about how much you worry about them, and if your worry is messing them up.

And the crazy part is, the moms who worry are the moms that are wonderful… (I am not saying if you don’t worry about all of these things you are anything less than wonderful, I am just saying that in most cases, as moms, we all tend to worry about the tiniest details, and the love is in our worry).

Mama let me tell you clearly, LOVE covers a multitude of wrongs ((slightly paraphrased) 1 Peter 4:8).

The most valuable thing I can share with you is this… create connections. If you have multiple children, take time each week, it doesn’t have to be lengthy or expensive, to spend time with them individually.  Have those heart conversations. Start a journal between the two of you, you’ll be surprised what they put in it. Have 5 minutes a day of unfiltered talk time… they can say anything they need to, no consequences or judgement. Ask them open-ended questions. Take an interest in what they like, even if you can’t remember Charzard from Charmeleon, or Princess Poppy from Elsa… they love that you want to know. Encourage them, but also help them with areas in which they can grow. Its important to remember that no one is great at everything, and even our kids struggle in certain areas or have bad days. Grace goes a long way, and when all else fails, grace upon grace.

At the end of the night, regardless of how bad the day was, remember its just a bad day and not a bad life. You are not unredeemable, your kids are not unredeemable, the situation is not unredeemable. Sometimes we have to start fresh, try new ways because the old ones aren’t working. We have to be willing to admit what works and what doesn’t, and also to create healthy boundaries around our lives to build the lives we want. As mamas we are multi-tasking geniuses… we do it all and then some. But don’t forget mama, that you are important too. That your well-being, mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health matters. That you can’t pour from an empty cup and its important to be in community with others that can pour into you.

Your kids, they love you. They love that you love them, that you are there for them. That you sing to them, or play with them, or read to them… they love the little traditions you have and the rituals you create, and the truth is, they love all the little things you think no one pays attention to. They love you just as you are, exactly as you love them… and I have heard from some older-wiser mamas, that when they say they hate you; you are *actually* doing your job. So, rest easy mama, your kids are amazing because of your amazing love.

Remember mama, mom guilt is real, but so is Gods grace, and grace wins every time.

Pursue your purpose

Life has a funny way of taking us down roads we never even knew existed. Sometimes those roads are twisty, bumpy and dark; they leave us with an uneasy feeling and a desire to get back to familiar pathways. Other times we are traveling on smooth, fragrant and sun-drenched roads that leave us feeling refreshed and renewed. Either way, you are in the driver’s seat.

We can’t control everything around us, more specifically, we can even admit that control is an illusion, set to trap us into thinking that perfection exists this side of heaven. Metaphorically speaking, if you were being taken down a path you do not want to be on you still get to make the choice not to be there, you can choose to leave that path. (This of course is different for survivors of abuse, there are situations that I need to make others aware of that leave a person not only feeling helpless but many times hopeless.) But when we are talking about relationships, family, friendships, our jobs, and generally our lives, we do have choices. We get to decide how we respond, what we allow, and what remains in our lives. We must choose to pursue the lives we want, to live purposefully.   

It isn’t easy to change. So many of us resist change in every possible way, but change is inevitable. And, you are better at it than you think you are. Every day is a new day, every day you make minor changes to the way you live. Whether its how you got out of bed, what you had for breakfast, the dinner you plan to make, the calls you answered… there is change in every day. You don’t even realize that. You are so used to these minute changes that they have become second nature, and you are so good at transitioning through them that they cause no distress. Sometimes our lives require bigger changes. Sometimes we realize that relationships aren’t healthy, perhaps they are even toxic. Or maybe, you realized that you just can’t continue living the way you have been. Recognizing it is the first step to change, but after that, you have to pursue the change. I have never known anyone who said, “I know I need to change the filter on our drinking water, so I will wait for it to change.” When you know the filter needs to be replaced, you change it… why? Because that’s how change happens, you take an active role in the change. While that might sound like a silly analogy, we all know its true. Many people want their lives to be different, but few people want to change to achieve the life they want.

We must choose to be purposeful in our living. To decide what we expose our hearts, minds, bodies and souls to. We must not only be aware, but active in ridding our lives of toxicity. It can manifest in the forms of relationships, in lack of self-care, in addictions and impulses; toxicity often tells you that its your fault and nothing will ever get better. But it will only stay this way as long as you allow it to. Read that again. Right now, you have the ability to change course. You have the ability to pursue a different life, one that is healthy and fulfilling. You have the ability to put an end to the toxic things in your life and set healthy boundaries. You have the ability to find peace, love and happiness. More than that, you deserve to live a life you will love. You deserve good (and healthy) things. Read that again. Regardless of what you have done in your life, the mistakes you have made, the past you can’t change, you deserve good things.

The good news is, you can make those changes now. You do not have to wait; you can literally say to yourself I am done with this road and find another. You can turn anything around. Sometimes tragedy takes us down roads that are dark too, and sometimes its okay to be in the darkness for a little while, because honestly, sometimes sitting in the darkness allows the pain to absolve and for us to gain our hope back by focusing on the sliver of light we see ahead. You do not need to feel rushed to pursue your purpose; you get to choose how to live your life and when you want to make the changes. But change begins with you. If you do not know where to start you can always reach out to someone who can walk alongside you for this journey. The beauty of this life is that each day we are given new chances. You get to decide what your journey will ultimately look like; truth, you will come across darkness, everyone does. You will hit some road bumps, everyone does. But when you pursue your purpose the only one that can stand in the way of achieving it is you.  

Declare your purpose and pursue it fervently.