My Story of Pain and Purpose

I am complex.

We all are. We are all so much more than what others see. We are more than what others believe us to be. We are more than unmet expectations, boxes that have been constructed for us to fit into, and the disappointments others express in us.

We are also so much more than the good days. The perfect Instagram worthy posts. The pinterest projects and endless to-do lists that finally got done. We are more than sunshine and rainbows and the smiles plastered to our faces.

We are more than the fake and phony. We are more than the pretending and “I’m fine.” We are more than our illness and wellness. We are complex.

When I set out on this journey to share my story, I really did not think of the extent of what my story was. You see, I had been taught (somewhere along the way), that my story and my voice did not matter. It was not as important as someone else’s. The pain not as great as another’s. The trauma not as significant and therefore devalued; it means nothing if someone has it worse. But I want to change that narrative. I believe fully and wholly that transparency and vulnerability create meaningful connection. When we realize that we are not alone in our journeys, that people genuinely care and understand, we are able to move forward with hope.

I hope that in my sharing, you will find your light. You will believe that wellness is possible. Healing is possible. You are worth investing in and that people do genuinely care.

I was just a little girl, 4 years old when my Opi (German grandpa) passed away. I can still remember playing happy birthday for him on my portable keyboard. He was in his bed a lot at this time, but that didn’t matter, I loved him, and he loved me, and I just enjoyed his company. One day my parents sent me to stay with my cousin. I recall vividly them hurrying me into the car to get back to my house. I plead for them to tell me what was going on, but no one would. When we got back everyone was crying, and my Opi was gone. No one would tell me what was going on, but his bed was empty. That was when I first drew the conclusion that when I leave bad things happen. This thought process planted its faulty seed into my mind and sprouted years of agony and trying to be there for everyone and everything. But bad stuff inevitably happens. Shortly thereafter my parents decided to move to the United States. I was 6. I left behind my friends, family, pets, home, and belongings. I got on a plane and moved to California, we lived with my “American” grandparents. I did not speak or understand English, I was put into an ESL class (where everyone, including the teacher spoke Spanish), I had no friends, and I was the weird foreign kid. An immigrant. Throughout school I endured pretty severe bullying, from kids and teachers alike. I was locked into dark bathrooms, death threats were issued to me and my family if I ever told anyone, I was called a Nazi often. So, I became a chameleon. I learned how to fit and adapt. How to be liked and how to keep others happy. Once I had “friends” the bullying did not matter as much anymore. Some kids thought it was cool that I spoke a different language and that I was “different.” What I really wanted them to believe is that I was the same.

At home things were not much better. My parents worked a lot, they had to, and I respect how far they have come and the lives they have made for themselves. I endured a lot of verbal abuse from a relative. I was told I did not matter. That I would never have friends. I was too ugly. I was not worth life. I was told, as a young girl, that no one would ever want me. This person would purposely make fun of me when my friends were around, call me degrading names, tell me I should run away or die. What was meant to break me, only made me stronger. I realized this person was afraid of me. Afraid of my courage and strength, of my intelligence and resiliency. This person wanted to bring me down because they were unhappy; they projected themselves onto me. I watched as they continued to try to berate and belittle me, and I chose not to break. I chose not to let them see me cry. To say it didn’t hurt would be a lie, but when you are exposed to pain repeatedly, eventually you go numb. The numbness worked to my advantage though, it allowed me to live my life as the positive person that I knew I was. I have always loved people; loved helping and being there for others. No one was going to change that about me. I grew up around substance use and abuse as well, I learned that a lot of people self-medicate at an early age. I was a latch-key kid and always tried my hardest to help my parents in any way I could.

When I was younger, I didn’t know that I had anxiety. I would feel sick every day (somatic symptoms) and go to the nurse. I had trouble sleeping even when I was little and would experience night terrors and nightmares basically every night. I learned how to stay up all night reading with a flashlight because it was better than the night terrors. My intrusive thoughts sometimes got the best of me and they manifested in OCD tendencies and perfectionism. I pushed myself hard and was always in competition with someone (self-imposed) to keep myself at my best. I worried about literally everything. I worried about worry.

At the age of 11 another life-altering event happened. My Omi (German grandma) was visiting and staying with us. My brother was 2 at the time and napping in his room and I was helping my Omi with laundry while watching a show. She said she wasn’t feeling well, but didn’t want my mom to worry, said she would be fine. My mom left and went to work. My Omi went in her room to put away her clothes. When the show ended, I realized she still wasn’t back, and I went to check on her. That’s when I found her. She was on her floor in her bedroom. I panicked. I called my other grandma hysterically; I ran to my neighbors who called 911. But it was already too late. The fire department and ambulance seemed to take forever to get there, they wouldn’t let me go inside. My neighbor waited with me outside of my house. That day changed a lot for me. I lost a lot. And I realized that I would never be enough. When my Opi died, I drew the conclusion that bad things happened when I wasn’t there, so I was always there for people. But my Omi still died. I didn’t pay enough attention, I wasn’t fast enough, I didn’t respond well. The inner critic was right, that relative was right. I would never be good enough.

That didn’t stop me from trying harder though. I was in all honors classes. I took 7 periods most of my high school years. I was involved in extra-curricular activities and volunteered. If anyone needed anything, I was there. I was a people-pleaser. Very good givers attract the best takers, and I was okay with that. At least they thought I had something to give.  

High school was also the time I developed my truly unhealthy relationship with food. Growing up I was placed on a lot of diets. I think it was common then for moms to always be dieting because I remember all my friend’s moms always being on some sort of new diet-fad as well. But I decided that I could just not eat. So, I didn’t. For a long time. I lived on water and gum. Everyone thought I looked great; they complimented how disciplined I was (although they had no idea, I was not eating at all). I started to not feel my best, I was tired and light-headed a lot, I would get dizzy spells and just drink more water. My mom was doing my hair for a baby shower when I passed out and smashed head-first into the bathroom mirror. Thankfully, I wasn’t hurt. My parents had no idea what was going on. My dad got really upset and learning to eat again wasn’t easy. Yet again, I wasn’t enough. What I learned through this though was that, while I can’t control others and what happens, I can control what and how much I eat. I needed control of something, so this became my thing.

After high school I worked full-time, went to school full-time and tutored on the side. I always kept myself extremely busy; when I am busy, I don’t have time to think. I had learned how to “manage” my anxiety (which I still didn’t know I had) by distracting myself. Sure, there were days I wish that everything would just go away, or that life would end, but distraction was a good tool to keep my mind occupied.

Around this time someone very close to me tried to commit suicide as well. To say this was a shock is an understatement. Looking back, I see how alone this person felt and how the idea of not needing to be “in it all” anymore was appealing. I am so glad God had different plans though!

  In my early 20’s I met my husband and we had our son. We were relatively young parents and we didn’t have a lot, but we tried our best to do our best. My husband and I had to learn (over the years) how to break habits we didn’t even know we had. We had to learn how to communicate effectively and not recreate our families of origin. We struggled a lot, for quite some time. But we never gave up. When my son was 4, he and I were driving home and were hit by an intoxicated driver that was high and drunk. We had minimal physical wounds (praise God) but we both suffered extremely mentally and emotionally. My son ended up with a PTSD diagnosis, and this was what spiraled my anxiety. The accident allowed me to go back to school though and obtain my masters, and during that program I had my first public panic attack. It took therapy, medication, and a medical diagnosis to finally find reprieve. I had to battle a lot of negative thoughts, core beliefs and faulty thinking; I had to replace my distortions with healthy coping mechanisms and begin to see that not everything is my job. Therapy pushed me, a lot. Therapy taught me, a lot. Therapy helped save me.

I still struggle sometimes; I think we always will to some extent. This world is fallen and broken, and we desire perfection in an imperfect place. But now I have the tools to help me. I learned how to set healthy boundaries and let go of toxic people and relationships, or to minimize my exposure to ones I can’t end. I learned how to shift my focus and keep my eyes on Jesus; how to have grace, not only with others, but with myself. I learned how to advocate for myself and my needs, whether medically or relationally. I know now that when others project onto me, I do not have to accept it, and I can still pray for them and love them. I learned that my anxiety and panic lives with me. My body is its house and sometimes I forget it lives there, but other times I still struggle with sharing space. I learned that wellness is complex too, but it is SO worth investing in and fighting for. I learned that I can’t be enough, but I don’t have to be enough. I give myself permission to be fully me, and I will always do my best to love big and be there for others because that is who I am to my core, but I will no longer be a people-pleaser or welcome mat. I learned that we all have beliefs and ideas, we all have opinions and its okay to be different (even when others don’t want you to be). I learned that this world is perfectly imperfect and that I can lean into that because, so am I. I will never fit into someone else’s box, I will never be someone else’s ideal, I will never be anything but who I am. I can learn. I can grow. I can become a better version of myself, but I will never be perfect, and I have learned to be okay with that. Progress is greater than perfection.

This is a very condensed version of my story. There are specific details I left out and diagnoses that are not mine to share. I have walked through a lot in my life, and yet I know others have walked through more. The things I chose to leave out I did because I do not want to hurt others in sharing my story. I know we all have a version that is true to us. This is my story. It includes pain and illness, but more than that it includes hope and wellness. I may not have always known what I was up against, but if my story shows you anything, I hope it shows you how strong we are. How we learn to cope and adapt. How we can still unlearn negative behaviors and learn positive ones. I hope that my story shows you that we are all connected to each other. Pain and suffering are not discriminatory, they will choose anyone, at any time. But when I reflect back on all of this what I see most prevalent, is the purpose to my pain. My pain catapulted me into my purpose. It showed me that regardless of what we face in life we have choices. It showed me my own strength and ability to rise. It showed me that love always wins and that I have a heart that desires to make a difference.

My story matters.

YOUR story matters.

One day, when you are ready, you can tell your story too. I hope in doing so you can reflect on your story and see your strength and determination. Your heart and soul. That you can see you were worth investing in and fighting for all along. Our stories matter. Our voices matter. Your life matters, and you are never alone.

Cognitive Distortions... you don't need them.

For many of us, we are entirely unaware of how prevalent cognitive distortions are in our lives. We have allowed them to run rampant in our every day thought processes and when someone points out how dysfunctional they are, we can even become a bit defensive.

Cognitive distortions serve no healthy purpose. In fact, they often lead to more irrational thinking, dysregulated mood, as well as intrapersonal and interpersonal problems. We find that those struggling with distortions regularly struggle to maintain a positive outlook or hope that things can get better. They often have more difficulties in their interpersonal relationships and allow their distortions to dictate the outcome of their relationships.

All this to say, cognitive distortions are relatively normal to have. Most of us have struggled, and often even after learning about distortions and how to work through them effectively, still do struggle with at least one. Below you will find a list of the 10 most common distortions. It would be beneficial for you to go through the list and notate any that you feel resonate with you, or that you are aware that you do regularly.

1.      Mental Filtering: When we choose (often unconsciously) to focus on everything that is not working. We filter out all the good and only see the bad.

• Reframe: Begin by listing 1 thing daily that is going right or is good. Eventually work up to 5-10 items daily.

2.      Jumping to Conclusions: When we make *irrational* assumptions about other people or situations based on our feelings rather than on facts or evidence.

• Reframe: Examine the evidence. Is your conclusion substantiated? Challenge the feeling. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts. Question what the conclusion does for you, does it help you or hurt you? And, are their healthier alternatives?

3.      Personalization: When we take undue blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives and others, and we find ourselves to constantly be a victim of circumstance.

• Reframe: Examine what part (if any) you did have in the outcome, accept whatever responsibility you have in the matter and work on letting others accept responsibility as well.

4.      All of Nothing Thinking: When we see everything in black or white, right, or wrong; there is no middle ground or space to compromise.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself by finding alternative (middle ground) solutions or compromises. Start small and work up to adjusting on a larger scale.

5.      Catastrophizing: When we blow things our of proportion or make situations/events worse than they actually are. Everything will always be bad.

• Reframe: Challenge your thinking. “Are things really as bad as I feel?” And then challenge your feelings; Why am I feeling this way, what evidence do I have that supports this feeling?

6.      Overgeneralization: When we have a habit of using past experiences (often based in feelings rather than evidence) to predict or make assumptions about the future. “She ALWAYS…He NEVER…”

• Reframe: Challenge the absolutes (always, never, must..) and is there evidence to support a different outcome? Could things be different if we didn’t use absolutes?

7.      Labeling: When we make global statements about ourselves or others based on situation specific behaviors. We use one event to label the rest. *this often mirrors our internal belief system.

• Reframe: Where is the evidence that this is true in every situation? Reminding ourselves that using one event to determine the outcome of everything requires further reflection.

8.      Shoulding and Musting: When we use “should and must” to have unreasonable expectations of ourselves or others. “You SHOULD…I MUST…”

• Reframe: When you notice yourself using these words, challenge yourself to see if the expectations are reasonable. How are you feeling? Is your feeling based on evidence? Are there any other healthy alternatives that can help you reach the desired outcome.

9.      Emotional Reasoning: When we allow our feelings to dictate how we see situations, people, and outcomes. The tendency to allow our feelings to control our perceptions.

• Reframe: Being mindful in the moment and questioning our feelings. “Is how I am feeling skewed or biased? What evidence do I have to support my feelings?”

10.  Magnification and Minimization: When we tend to minimize our own positive attributes and devalue ourselves, while magnifying someone else’s positive attributes and putting them on a pedestal. In other words, recognizing and magnifying some else’s good while putting yourself down.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself to find reasons that you are deserving and capable. Start out with listing one thing daily that you are good at, that you do well. Eventually build up and add to your list. “What about today/this situation makes me deserving and capable?”

So, what to do once you have identified which ones you struggle with? You work on reframing your thoughts. A mental health professional can work with you to identify which ones you struggle with (do not be surprised if multiple resonate with you) and help you to gain more effective and healthy coping skills. Cognitive distortions often come from a time when they served you. For example, at some point in your life someone you trusted told you what you SHOULD do, and you saw the unreasonable expectations they had on themselves (what they MUST do). This led you to utilizing the “shoulding and musting” in your own life without even recognizing where it came from. At one point it was normal. But that does not mean it was healthy. Which leads you to finding healthier alternatives for the distortions.

To some extent we may all do these from time to time. To say that we could entirely eradicate ever doing any of these would not be beneficial, but we can minimize the frequency and extent to which you utilize these to cope. Our thoughts are based on our perceptions and our perceptions are our reality. But if we can change our thoughts, we can change our reality. We can go from hopeless to having hope. From struggling interpersonally to maintaining healthy and thriving relationships. From intrapersonal discord to shaping who we want to be and loving the life we live. You are not destined to live with unhealthy thinking patterns or maladaptive (unhealthy) coping skills. The thing about our thoughts is, they are often founded through feelings, and feelings are not facts. When we take the time to examine our feelings and their validity, we find that we have unresolved hurts or ineffective coping skills that have served us but no longer do. We find that we can let go of those feelings and focus on the facts, we can change our thoughts, we can lean into the discomfort temporarily to create a life we will love, we can choose a different path than the one we are currently on, and we do not have to let our past dictate our future outcomes.

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

This season is about redefining… make it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

Declare *your* Truth

All too often we grow in a narrative that defeats us. We have others bombarding us with lies they have created to help ease their own insecurities, and if we are not careful, those lies become our truths.

“You are selfish… You are stupid… You are such a pain… You are ugly… You are annoying… You are too much to handle… You aren’t enough… You are worthless…” You (get the point).

When in reality, “you are selfish” was because you chose to maintain a boundary that is healthy for you. “You are stupid” is because you needed assistance on something that wasn’t clear to begin with. “You are such a pain” is because you didn’t do something that wasn’t yours to do in the first place. “You are ugly” is because someone else feels threatened by you. “You are annoying,” is because you chose not to give in. “You are too much to handle” is because you decided to be authentically you, and someone doesn’t like that they can’t manipulate you anymore. “You aren’t enough” is because you aren’t meeting their needs. “You are worthless” is because someone else is choosing to tear you down instead of owning up themselves.

We can go on listening to these lies, we can internalize them and make them into who we are… we can allow others’ voices to be louder than the truth, but that is still a decision you are making. You will always believe their lies until you learn to declare your own truth. The truth is, we all have faults. Period. Perfection doesn’t exist in this world, and though our hearts were created for it, we will not obtain it here. We will make mistakes, we will mess up, we will struggle with life sometimes… but those struggles don’t define us, the strength in the battle does. The ability to rise above, the ability to look fervently for the truth and rewrite our own narrative, and the ability to see clearly that someone elses thoughts and opinions have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us.

I believe in the saying, “hurt people hurt people…” but I also believe that healed people can love others genuinely and help them find their healing. We make the choice to accept these truths. We make the choice to listen to these voices. We make the choice to continue living in our own personal hell instead of turning toward the truth. We make the choices. You can choose at any time that you deserve more. That you deserve better. That you are worthy of being loved and loved on. You are. Yes. It is hard to believe or fathom, but you are worthy. You are dearly loved and deeply valued, and you have a purpose. While you have struggled with this mess for long enough, you can choose to allow it to become a message. The choice is yours every single day. Each day you choose to say “I will not stand for this anymore,” and each day you make a healthy choice for you, it will become easier, and the lies you have lived for so long will no longer have a fierce grip on you; they will not be able to defeat you as easily. Rewriting your narrative won’t be simple, it will take time, patience, perseverance and mistakes. Some days will be easier than others, but all days will be better than living the lies.

Even if you can say that sometimes you are the things others have said you are, defining yourself by them is not healthy or helpful. You can choose to find the truth you need to catapult you into change. You can take what is necessary and leave what is needless and create a story you will love to live.

Today you have a choice, you can continue in old patterns and allow these lies to fill your heart and mind, or, you can choose to rise above them and find hope and healing in the truth. You are more than enough and never too much. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are here because you have a purpose only you can fill. You are magnificent and beautiful, altogether lovely. You are irreplaceable. You are royalty and you deserve to have people in your life that will remind you of reality, not fill you with lies. The sad part is hurt is perpetuated because of their own lies, but you must make the decision to fill your heart and mind with truths. You don’t always need to walk away from people who have hurt you, especially if they are important to you, but learning to have healthy boundaries and set limits is crucial to your well-being. Toxicity threatens to overtake and its important to remember that toxic environments only allow us to grow when we remove ourselves far enough to see the strength, we needed to rise above them.

One day you will look back and remember feeling all of this. One day you will know how strong you were and how much stronger you became by declaring your own truth. One day you will have rewritten your narrative and you will no longer be filled with these lies that weigh so heavily on your heart. You are more than this situation, you are more than this trial, you are more than this season, you are more than these lies. You get to declare your own truth, and there will be beauty from the ashes of the life you left to create the life you want.