Never too much, Always enough

As I sit here listening to the melodious rain, looking through my window and watching the rhythmic drops, I can’t help but think about the idea of always enough and never too much, and how in our times of dysregulation we can feel flooded.  Much like the rain, that California desperately needs for our infinite drought (suggesting that we don’t have enough), our structural systems say otherwise with statewide flooding (suggesting that we are getting too much). The torrential downpour has overwhelmed our cities over the last few weeks and caused a lot of issues, because we are being flooded. Our nervous systems work in a similar fashion. When we are in stressful, emotional and/or traumatic situations, or we have prolonged repeated exposure to negative or distressing stimulus, we can become flooded. Suddenly we begin to question ourselves. Are we enough? Are we good enough, strong enough, worthy enough? Can we be enough, do enough, accomplish enough? We might even feel like we are too much for certain people. Perhaps our internal dialogue is asking, am I too much? Am I too needy, do I require too much, am I asking too much? While we are each responsible for our self-regulation, we do need to look at some important factors when we notice that we are asking ourselves these questions:

1.   Are we exposing ourselves to toxic people and relationships? If so, are we doing this because we feel we must? You might feel like you can save the person (love them enough, be enough, do enough). You might feel like you can’t leave because you worry about them and their well-being and feel like you must stay in the relationship.

2.   Are we in a dysfunctional cycle? Is our body seeking a dysfunctional homeostasis because it’s our “normal?”

3.   Are we dependent on the feelings we get from the highs and lows? Is our body dependent on stress responses?

4.   Are we in distorted thinking patterns, like, all or nothing. Either I have this relationship (all) or I will be alone (nothing). We rationalize the all by saying it isn’t always bad, and we romanticize the good, even when the good is bare minimum.

5.   We grew up with these narratives. If we function best in an earning mentality, and we are constantly striving to please people, we might have learned that if we do enough, we are enough. But if we aren’t needed, then we are discarded, which validates our fear of not being enough or being too much maintenance in a relationship.

There are of course more things to consider and explore as we wrestle with this distortion. That being said, it is so important to remind yourself that in a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship you will never be too much for someone. They will hold space for you, encourage you to seek and be your best self, and remind you of your worth. They will pursue the relationship as well and choose you. They will expect you to be accountable for your actions and behavior, just as they hold themselves accountable for theirs. Likewise, you will always be enough. You will not need to earn, do, or be anything but your authentic self. They will have a desire to connect in ways that are meaningful to you, because they see you do the same. They will remind you of your inherent worth and value and encourage you to see yourself for the amazing person you truly are. This is not to say that we ever have an “arrival point.” In a healthy, growth-oriented relationship, both people are self-aware, have good boundaries, and a desire to grow as individuals and with one another. If someone is behaving in a way that is not congruent to who they are, the other person will make an effort to have a loving and gentle conversation and encourage further insight and awareness. When we do this with good intent, it keeps the emotional dysregulation and flooding to a minimum and allows for healthy, problem-solving conversations and effective communication.

Many of us grew up with this fear. That we are too much work for someone, or not worth enough. We carry this deep within our hearts and struggle to let go, because it is also how we (often) see ourselves. When the checklist is complete, it feels good for a short while, and then, inevitably, there is always another checklist to feel whole. We do not have to live this way though. We can get to a place where we recognize our worth is inherent and our value is not determined on what we can do or do not do. In fact, our existence proves that we were chosen. We have a purpose, and there is a plan for our lives. Song of Songs 4:7 says, “You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you.” And Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “these are the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” In Psalm 139 God reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, woven together with intention. One of the greatest lies of all time is the “enough” lie. The serpent whispered it to Eve in the beginning, and we still struggle with it now. “If God loved you enough, He wouldn’t withhold a good thing from you. He just doesn’t want you to be like Him.” And so he whispers in our ears, “it’s because you aren’t enough.” Or “it’s because you are too much.” But it was a lie then, and it’s a lie now, and once we recognize it, it has no power over us unless we give it power, we can step into our value and remind ourselves of truth. Whether you are a believer or not, if you have breath in your lungs, there is purpose for your life, and that isn’t to struggle with lies like these. It isn’t to live in a perpetually flooded or dysregulated state. On the contrary, God (that is my belief, but perhaps you believe in energy or the universe, or karma…) wants you to live life and live it in abundance. He wants you to know that you are worthy, amazing, and deeply loved for who you are and who you have yet to become.

When you sense this thought creeping in your mind, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the pouring rain. Washing you clean. Feel the water permeating your soul and open your eyes to watch the negative thoughts flow away from you with the water. You do not have to believe this distortion; it was never yours to begin with. Your thoughts become your beliefs, and it is important to be mindful of what you tell yourself regularly because you are paying attention. Remind yourself of your truth, your reasons, your beliefs. Remind yourself that regardless of what others may have said, or what you may have wrestled with in the past, you don’t have to bring it into the present.  Remind yourself, you are never too much and always enough.  

Cognitive Distortions... you don't need them.

For many of us, we are entirely unaware of how prevalent cognitive distortions are in our lives. We have allowed them to run rampant in our every day thought processes and when someone points out how dysfunctional they are, we can even become a bit defensive.

Cognitive distortions serve no healthy purpose. In fact, they often lead to more irrational thinking, dysregulated mood, as well as intrapersonal and interpersonal problems. We find that those struggling with distortions regularly struggle to maintain a positive outlook or hope that things can get better. They often have more difficulties in their interpersonal relationships and allow their distortions to dictate the outcome of their relationships.

All this to say, cognitive distortions are relatively normal to have. Most of us have struggled, and often even after learning about distortions and how to work through them effectively, still do struggle with at least one. Below you will find a list of the 10 most common distortions. It would be beneficial for you to go through the list and notate any that you feel resonate with you, or that you are aware that you do regularly.

1.      Mental Filtering: When we choose (often unconsciously) to focus on everything that is not working. We filter out all the good and only see the bad.

• Reframe: Begin by listing 1 thing daily that is going right or is good. Eventually work up to 5-10 items daily.

2.      Jumping to Conclusions: When we make *irrational* assumptions about other people or situations based on our feelings rather than on facts or evidence.

• Reframe: Examine the evidence. Is your conclusion substantiated? Challenge the feeling. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts. Question what the conclusion does for you, does it help you or hurt you? And, are their healthier alternatives?

3.      Personalization: When we take undue blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives and others, and we find ourselves to constantly be a victim of circumstance.

• Reframe: Examine what part (if any) you did have in the outcome, accept whatever responsibility you have in the matter and work on letting others accept responsibility as well.

4.      All of Nothing Thinking: When we see everything in black or white, right, or wrong; there is no middle ground or space to compromise.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself by finding alternative (middle ground) solutions or compromises. Start small and work up to adjusting on a larger scale.

5.      Catastrophizing: When we blow things our of proportion or make situations/events worse than they actually are. Everything will always be bad.

• Reframe: Challenge your thinking. “Are things really as bad as I feel?” And then challenge your feelings; Why am I feeling this way, what evidence do I have that supports this feeling?

6.      Overgeneralization: When we have a habit of using past experiences (often based in feelings rather than evidence) to predict or make assumptions about the future. “She ALWAYS…He NEVER…”

• Reframe: Challenge the absolutes (always, never, must..) and is there evidence to support a different outcome? Could things be different if we didn’t use absolutes?

7.      Labeling: When we make global statements about ourselves or others based on situation specific behaviors. We use one event to label the rest. *this often mirrors our internal belief system.

• Reframe: Where is the evidence that this is true in every situation? Reminding ourselves that using one event to determine the outcome of everything requires further reflection.

8.      Shoulding and Musting: When we use “should and must” to have unreasonable expectations of ourselves or others. “You SHOULD…I MUST…”

• Reframe: When you notice yourself using these words, challenge yourself to see if the expectations are reasonable. How are you feeling? Is your feeling based on evidence? Are there any other healthy alternatives that can help you reach the desired outcome.

9.      Emotional Reasoning: When we allow our feelings to dictate how we see situations, people, and outcomes. The tendency to allow our feelings to control our perceptions.

• Reframe: Being mindful in the moment and questioning our feelings. “Is how I am feeling skewed or biased? What evidence do I have to support my feelings?”

10.  Magnification and Minimization: When we tend to minimize our own positive attributes and devalue ourselves, while magnifying someone else’s positive attributes and putting them on a pedestal. In other words, recognizing and magnifying some else’s good while putting yourself down.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself to find reasons that you are deserving and capable. Start out with listing one thing daily that you are good at, that you do well. Eventually build up and add to your list. “What about today/this situation makes me deserving and capable?”

So, what to do once you have identified which ones you struggle with? You work on reframing your thoughts. A mental health professional can work with you to identify which ones you struggle with (do not be surprised if multiple resonate with you) and help you to gain more effective and healthy coping skills. Cognitive distortions often come from a time when they served you. For example, at some point in your life someone you trusted told you what you SHOULD do, and you saw the unreasonable expectations they had on themselves (what they MUST do). This led you to utilizing the “shoulding and musting” in your own life without even recognizing where it came from. At one point it was normal. But that does not mean it was healthy. Which leads you to finding healthier alternatives for the distortions.

To some extent we may all do these from time to time. To say that we could entirely eradicate ever doing any of these would not be beneficial, but we can minimize the frequency and extent to which you utilize these to cope. Our thoughts are based on our perceptions and our perceptions are our reality. But if we can change our thoughts, we can change our reality. We can go from hopeless to having hope. From struggling interpersonally to maintaining healthy and thriving relationships. From intrapersonal discord to shaping who we want to be and loving the life we live. You are not destined to live with unhealthy thinking patterns or maladaptive (unhealthy) coping skills. The thing about our thoughts is, they are often founded through feelings, and feelings are not facts. When we take the time to examine our feelings and their validity, we find that we have unresolved hurts or ineffective coping skills that have served us but no longer do. We find that we can let go of those feelings and focus on the facts, we can change our thoughts, we can lean into the discomfort temporarily to create a life we will love, we can choose a different path than the one we are currently on, and we do not have to let our past dictate our future outcomes.