Never too much, Always enough

As I sit here listening to the melodious rain, looking through my window and watching the rhythmic drops, I can’t help but think about the idea of always enough and never too much, and how in our times of dysregulation we can feel flooded.  Much like the rain, that California desperately needs for our infinite drought (suggesting that we don’t have enough), our structural systems say otherwise with statewide flooding (suggesting that we are getting too much). The torrential downpour has overwhelmed our cities over the last few weeks and caused a lot of issues, because we are being flooded. Our nervous systems work in a similar fashion. When we are in stressful, emotional and/or traumatic situations, or we have prolonged repeated exposure to negative or distressing stimulus, we can become flooded. Suddenly we begin to question ourselves. Are we enough? Are we good enough, strong enough, worthy enough? Can we be enough, do enough, accomplish enough? We might even feel like we are too much for certain people. Perhaps our internal dialogue is asking, am I too much? Am I too needy, do I require too much, am I asking too much? While we are each responsible for our self-regulation, we do need to look at some important factors when we notice that we are asking ourselves these questions:

1.   Are we exposing ourselves to toxic people and relationships? If so, are we doing this because we feel we must? You might feel like you can save the person (love them enough, be enough, do enough). You might feel like you can’t leave because you worry about them and their well-being and feel like you must stay in the relationship.

2.   Are we in a dysfunctional cycle? Is our body seeking a dysfunctional homeostasis because it’s our “normal?”

3.   Are we dependent on the feelings we get from the highs and lows? Is our body dependent on stress responses?

4.   Are we in distorted thinking patterns, like, all or nothing. Either I have this relationship (all) or I will be alone (nothing). We rationalize the all by saying it isn’t always bad, and we romanticize the good, even when the good is bare minimum.

5.   We grew up with these narratives. If we function best in an earning mentality, and we are constantly striving to please people, we might have learned that if we do enough, we are enough. But if we aren’t needed, then we are discarded, which validates our fear of not being enough or being too much maintenance in a relationship.

There are of course more things to consider and explore as we wrestle with this distortion. That being said, it is so important to remind yourself that in a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship you will never be too much for someone. They will hold space for you, encourage you to seek and be your best self, and remind you of your worth. They will pursue the relationship as well and choose you. They will expect you to be accountable for your actions and behavior, just as they hold themselves accountable for theirs. Likewise, you will always be enough. You will not need to earn, do, or be anything but your authentic self. They will have a desire to connect in ways that are meaningful to you, because they see you do the same. They will remind you of your inherent worth and value and encourage you to see yourself for the amazing person you truly are. This is not to say that we ever have an “arrival point.” In a healthy, growth-oriented relationship, both people are self-aware, have good boundaries, and a desire to grow as individuals and with one another. If someone is behaving in a way that is not congruent to who they are, the other person will make an effort to have a loving and gentle conversation and encourage further insight and awareness. When we do this with good intent, it keeps the emotional dysregulation and flooding to a minimum and allows for healthy, problem-solving conversations and effective communication.

Many of us grew up with this fear. That we are too much work for someone, or not worth enough. We carry this deep within our hearts and struggle to let go, because it is also how we (often) see ourselves. When the checklist is complete, it feels good for a short while, and then, inevitably, there is always another checklist to feel whole. We do not have to live this way though. We can get to a place where we recognize our worth is inherent and our value is not determined on what we can do or do not do. In fact, our existence proves that we were chosen. We have a purpose, and there is a plan for our lives. Song of Songs 4:7 says, “You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you.” And Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “these are the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” In Psalm 139 God reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, woven together with intention. One of the greatest lies of all time is the “enough” lie. The serpent whispered it to Eve in the beginning, and we still struggle with it now. “If God loved you enough, He wouldn’t withhold a good thing from you. He just doesn’t want you to be like Him.” And so he whispers in our ears, “it’s because you aren’t enough.” Or “it’s because you are too much.” But it was a lie then, and it’s a lie now, and once we recognize it, it has no power over us unless we give it power, we can step into our value and remind ourselves of truth. Whether you are a believer or not, if you have breath in your lungs, there is purpose for your life, and that isn’t to struggle with lies like these. It isn’t to live in a perpetually flooded or dysregulated state. On the contrary, God (that is my belief, but perhaps you believe in energy or the universe, or karma…) wants you to live life and live it in abundance. He wants you to know that you are worthy, amazing, and deeply loved for who you are and who you have yet to become.

When you sense this thought creeping in your mind, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the pouring rain. Washing you clean. Feel the water permeating your soul and open your eyes to watch the negative thoughts flow away from you with the water. You do not have to believe this distortion; it was never yours to begin with. Your thoughts become your beliefs, and it is important to be mindful of what you tell yourself regularly because you are paying attention. Remind yourself of your truth, your reasons, your beliefs. Remind yourself that regardless of what others may have said, or what you may have wrestled with in the past, you don’t have to bring it into the present.  Remind yourself, you are never too much and always enough.  

What therapy is and who I am as a therapist:

Therapy is a place that you can come to be fully yourself. You can say what you need to say, feel whatever you need to feel, and trust that your therapist will hold a nonjudgmental and safe space for you to process. One of the things I like to go over with clients in our initial consultation call is who I am as a therapist, because let’s face it, we are all different, and what they can expect out of the therapy process with me. So, if you are here reading and are curious, let me do my best to explain myself and my process. 

As a therapist I promise to show up and be authentically me. I promise to be transparent with you, to challenge you to grow, and to guide you in your journey. I promise to model a healthy, loving and encouraging relationship with and for you, and that I will always be in your corner cheering you on and believing in you. I promise to hold hope for you, even and especially when, the hurt threatens to overtake any hope you might have had. I promise to work my hardest to help you reach your goals and write a story you will love being a part of. I promise to not make any empty promises. 

As a therapist I act as a guide, and you are the expert. I come alongside you and help you navigate your life currently, how the past has influenced the present, and how you would like to mold yourself to create a future that you look forward to. I will utilize a wide range of techniques, tools, and modalities to help you reach your goals. And I will work my hardest,but I can’t and won’t work harder than you. This means you must be willing to do the hard work, make the changes you want to make, and try new things. We might not always get it right, but we will always try, and if you are committed to the process, I can promise the process works. When we discuss what a therapist and therapy is, we also need to discuss what a therapist and therapy is not. 

As your therapist I am not a miracle worker or magician. I say this with love. I can’t magically make everything better, and I can’t work out all your problems. What I can do though, is help you navigate life, give you healthy alternatives and encourage you to grow and change to be a healthier and thriving you. I do not have a magic wand and coming to therapy isn’t a miracle answer. Therapy is hard work. It’s a place where you lay it all down, you sort through the hard stuff, you cry, you get angry, you want to give up. You question why you chose to do this, and if you should continue. But therapy works. That I can also promise. Therapy is messy and beautiful, and all the good things life should be. It teaches you to see yourself through new eyes, and it helps you to focus on the things that are most important. Therapy is painful. We are talking about all the things you typically avoid, and each week I challenge you with a new concept to try outside of session. Stagnation has no place in therapy. Even when it seems like we are stuck, there is work being done. And if you get to a place with a therapist where you feel like there isn’t work being done, address it. As a therapist I don’t have all the answers, and I am not always right. I have a genuine and empathic heart. I have strong intuition and often lean on that when I go out on limbs trying to connect the dots. I have years of training, and on-going training that equips me to help you in this process. While I don’t like labels, and I never have, I am able to diagnose and utilize the diagnosis as a lens to formulate the best possible treatment plan for you. But I promise to do that with you. I promise to discuss goals and to do my best to understand what you ultimately want to achieve through therapy. 

As your therapist, I am unlike other people in your life. I am not your friend, though it may feel that way. Trust me when I say, there have been clients, and I believe there always will be, that I could see as friends in different circumstances. Its normal to feel this way. We meet regularly, you share openly and honestly with me, I listen and reflect on what you tell me, I challenge you to grow and do so with love and admiration for who you already are. I genuinely care for every single client. And it is not something I can turn off when session ends. As a therapist, I think about clients outside of therapy. I pray for them, sometimes I will even check on them if my heart tells me to reach out. I want the best for you, and I am honored that I get to be part of the process. It is my job to model healthy boundaries for you,but that doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate if you call or text just to tell me something exciting. I guarantee I will scream with you in joy and celebration. Or, if something horrible happens, I will be there to sit with you and allow you to cry or simply be. Sometimes, I will even cry with you, because I am human too, and when you hurt, I hurt. As your therapist, I promise to see you fully. For whom you are, and who you have the potential to become. And I promise that, as long as you will allow me, I will work with you to create the life you want. 

As your therapist I promise to create a safe, loving, nonjudgmental and life-changing space for you. I promise to hold hope. I promise to sort through the hurt. I promise to guide you in the process. I want you to know that this isn’t my job, it’s my passion and calling, and I believe that God led me to this to help and to be a beacon of hope and light in the darkness. I won’t always get it right, I will make mistakes, sometimes I will be sick or need to cancel, or be gone on trainings, or take time off to be with my family, but what I can promise you is that while you continue your process I will be here. As long as you and God allow me to be, I will walk alongside you and cheer you on every step of the way. 

I might not have all the answers, but I promise to always do my best to understand you, encourage you, and guide you with truth and love. Therapy might not be magical, but magic does happen when we allow someone else the chance to fully be seen.

A Therapists Year-End Review: A Letter from a therapist.

Looking back on this year I am still in shock that it is already coming to an end. I was joking with several clients that I feel like most of us are still processing 2020, and yet 2022 is right around the corner. It often seems that way though, at the close of a chapter with something new on the horizon, we tend to reflect on what we are leaving behind, and what we are heading toward. 

As I end this year, one word comes to mind. Grateful. I have had a full year of owning and operating my private practice. This is the first time in years that I haven’t held multiple jobs and I have trusted that God would provide. It hasn’t always been easy, and there have been a few times I was tempted to take a corporate position for the ease and stability, but I never had peace about it. So, I stayed with it, and I am beyond grateful that I did. 

This year I have walked with so many who chose bravely and courageously to share their stories with me and trust me with the most intimate parts of themselves. They share things that they have never even spoken out loud, let alone to someone else. We have walked through incredible hurt, pain, grief, disappointment, trauma, anxiety, depression, and more. There were times when I held back tears for them, and times I simply couldn’t, and we shared in our universal understanding of one another. But that is not all that I saw this year. I saw tremendous triumph! I saw clients gain insight and awareness, I saw them lean into my interventions and push themselves outside of session to achieve their goals. I saw them increase their positive coping skills and let go of their old, harmful, maladaptive ways. I saw overcomers and achievers, and best of all, I saw the light in their eyes and the spark in their hearts when they finally understood something and believed in their own self-worth! I don’t think of them just as clients, I think of them as people I care deeply about. I root for them, I pray for them, I will always be their biggest cheerleader and the one person who models what a healthy, authentic, and transparent relationship looks like.  I see amazing people, and I am so honoredand so privileged and so thankful for each and every single client I have the pleasure of working with. This year I got to work with so many incredible people, and I am looking forward to what the new year has in store for our therapy journey and for their lives. 

As therapists I don’t think we often get to express just how much our clients mean to us, but as I was reflecting on my year and how I won’t see them again until 2022, I was thinking of the best possible way for me to honor them and express my gratitude. I know there are a multitude of therapists out there, ones who, let’s be honest, are probably often more equipped, have more experience or simply have a different expertise than I do, and yet my clients chose me. That honor is not wasted on me. One of the things I always tell my clients when we first begin sessions is that therapy can be hard, and that often things will feel worse before they feel better, but I tell them that if they can just hang on for the better, I promise to work my absolute hardest to get them there. Because they matter. Because their lives matter. Because their wellness, joy, and story matters. Not just to me, but to the world. Without them, the world wouldn’t be the same. And I am so grateful that I get to be a small part of their journey. So, in case any of my wonderful clients are reading this. Thank you. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for allowing me to walk alongside you and to act as a guide in your journey. Thank you for trusting me and allowing me to hold hope for you. Thank you for investing in yourself. Thank you for taking that first courageous step and sticking with it. You are amazing. Truly. I am so glad that I am getting to know you and have walked this path with you, and I hope that one day when you are ready to walk it alone, you will never forget how fantastic you are. That when the day comes for us to say, “see you later,” you inherently know your worth, value, and have grace with yourself to continue to learn along the way. I hope that if my voice sticks with you, as some of you tell me it does, you hear me saying, “you are incredible, and I am so proud of you.” Because that is the truth. I am incredibly proud of you. 

This year has been a lot of things- it has been crazy, sad, hectic, busy, wonderful, amazing, inspiring, life-changing, and so much more. As I reflect back, I want to see all the good- that is what I want to remember going into the new year. We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it and allow it to guide us in creating a future we are excited about. We have learned a lot of lessons this year, and while some of them have been horrendous, I know that we have grown and will continue to grow through it. Because we are survivors. We are investing into ourselves so we can thrive and that is what defines us- not the fact that life has knocked us down, but the fact that we have valiantly chosen to rise! I believe in our ability to continue to rise and to truly thrive, and I am excited to see that manifest in the new year. 

Once again, thank you to all my amazing clients, you have made this year great and I am grateful for you.

At the end of each year, I like to do a personal year-end review. This helps me remain grateful for all the lessons learned, growth that has occurred, and reminds me of things I do not want to carry with me into the new year. First and foremost, if this is something you are interested in, its fairly simple. All you need is a journal, something to write with, and some time. Start by asking the following questions:

What are some wins, victories, and positive things that have happened this year?

What are some areas where I have seen substantial growth?

What are some areas that I am still actively working on?

What are some of the harder things I have walked through this year?

What are things I do not want to carry into the new year (this can be attitudes, behaviors, reactions/responses, negative coping skills, beliefs, even relationships)?

What/who am I grateful for?

What word would I like to see manifested in the new year (this can be anything like: growth, determination, intentionality, grace, hope, acceptance, etc)?

What is one step I can take this week that will help me work toward manifesting that word? 

How can I stay mindful of my goal word throughout the days, weeks, and months?

What are some good goals to set weekly/monthly/quarterly for myself?

Do I want to learn anything new this year?

Do I want to do anything new this year?

When I look back at the end of the year, what do I want to remember most?

 How can I take active steps to writing a story that I want to live and that I am excited about?

I always encourage everyone to take their time with this. Come back to it often; work a little and then let it be. This is not something you want to rush through, but rather something you want to be intentional about and really give thought and effort to. This is also a great thing to do in session if you are currently seeing a therapist. Either way, remember that there are no right answers, and at the end of the day, this is simply a guidepost to helping you start the year as a fresh book- writing the story you want, and not just accepting roles that have been handed to you, or that you’ve always played. You get to be the author this year, and you get to decide what your story is about. These questions are a great place to start that story.