Surviving and Thriving after someone was drunk driving...

Life can change in an instant. Twelve years ago, I took my son to spend the day with his Oma and Opa. To have a pool day in the heat of summer, and just let my sweet four-year-old enjoy every moment before it was time for me to go back to teaching, and for him to go back to preschool. The day was truly wonderful. Laughs galore, and memories that will forever live in our hearts. On the way home we stopped at Target to get a few needed items and made our way back to our house. The entire drive (from my parents to my home was about 15 minutes). It was barely 9pm at night. I remember looking to my left as I set my signal to exit the freeway, and my son asked, “momma, are we almost home.” I responded, “Yes baby, almost there.” And then, as if we were cast in a scene from final destination our world exploded. I can still hear my son’s blood-curdling scream. I tried to slam on my brakes while it felt like our car was ripped in half, I was screaming for my son, “baby, are you okay, are you okay baby,” all while trying to bring the car to a stop, but the brakes weren’t responding. My son was screaming for me. After what felt like a lifetime, I was able to slow the car down and come to a stop. My door was jammed by whatever happened and I had to slam my body into it in order to open the door. My son’s door was nonexistent, and I had to pull him over my seat to get him out of the car. I held him so tight, and we dropped to our knees. We were both crying, shaking and totally unaware of what had happened. A woman approached me and asked if we were okay, she must have registered that I was in shock and told me that she witnessed the whole thing and that we were hit by a drunk driver. She said the ambulance and police were on the way and asked if I needed anything. During the impact everything in the car was displaced and I couldn’t find my phone, so thankfully this beautiful soul allowed me to use her phone to call my husband and parents. We stood on the side of the road and saw my van literally smashed and totaled. We survived. My son had asked if he could sit in the very back on the way home and something stirred in my spirit and I told him no, that I didn’t want to move his seat, and it would be faster for him to stay sitting behind me. If he hadn’t been in the seat he was in, he wouldn’t be here today. There was no trunk or back row left. Our minivan was turned into a 4-seat sedan from the impact. In the distance I could see lights and the lady said that two men pulled over with their trucks and blocked the driver in because he was trying to leave. The police, firefighters and ambulance showed up but went to him first, it took about 20 minutes for them to make their way to us after they arrived. They said he didn’t suffer any injuries. They examined us; my sons face was bloody from being hit in the face by something in the car, but he was okay physically, aside from that. They cleaned him up and examined me. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and they wanted to take us by ambulance, but I was already so anxious and just wanted my husband to take us to the hospital. We were there for hours, and I had to sign a waiver to be released.

The police report predicted that he hit us going over 100mph. That on impact he spun out and went into the shoulder, thankfully avoiding all other vehicles, so, by the grace of God, it was just the two of us that were involved. He was 4xs over the legal limit for alcohol and high. When they walked him past us to put him in the police car near us, he was laughing and smiling and saying, “what happened, I’m fine, I can go home.” He had no idea what he had done. The next year would continue to create trauma as him and his attorney did everything to avoid any type of repercussion for his actions. All I wanted was for him to get help, he was only 21 at the time. My son and I sought counseling, which didn’t go too well for us at the time. It was horrible trying to get an appointment to begin with (we had Kaiser at the time), and the wait was long. The intake process and subsequent appointments were anything but helpful, and I began to do my own research on how to help my son. Unfortunately, I was also let go from my private teaching position because of physical limitations due to the accident. I had no idea what to do. I loved teaching and never thought that God might have different plans. As I learned more about play therapy, God put on my heart to pursue a counseling psychology degree. He took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it for good. I knew that I never wanted another family or child to go through what we went through when we were looking for help.

That accident happened twelve years ago, and while I live with chronic back and neck pain, and my son and I were both diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder and generalized anxiety, I am beyond thankful that God had plans for our lives. Not everyone is able to walk away from these accidents. In the US alone, 29 people die every day due to intoxicated driving. That is 1 death every 50 minutes. Sadly only 1% of people who drive under the influence will ever face any kind of consequence for their actions. Twelve years later and we are still impacted by this “accident,” that could have so easily been avoided had this young man made a different decision. As crazy as it might sound, I thank God that he hit us and not a family in a smaller vehicle. That it was only us involved in that accident. And I still pray that he was able to turn his life around and find hope, help, and healing.

There are so many options these days. No one has to drive under the influence. And we need to do better and not allow others to engage in these behaviors. I am not sure what the answer is, but I know too many people personally that have suffered greatly because of drivers who are under the influence. There is help and hope. There are programs and people who care enough to help those struggling with addiction or risky behaviors.

When I look back at the picture I am transported to that moment, and while it is a moment I wish I could forget, its one that will be with me for the rest of my life. I am blessed to be here today. To have my son and to continue to share this testimony. The enemy meant to kill us that day, but God made beauty from the ashes.

This is part of my story. And it is what brought me to find my own help and healing. It allowed me to connect with wonderful colleagues and create a path for myself that allows me to help people every day. I am so honored and privileged to work with all my clients and to help them write stories they love for themselves. I know that life can change in an instant, and I do not take that for granted.

If you or someone you know is struggling call or text 988 or call 211 for local resources. There are also plenty of celebrate recovery programs, AA, and invitation to change programs.

Never too much, Always enough

As I sit here listening to the melodious rain, looking through my window and watching the rhythmic drops, I can’t help but think about the idea of always enough and never too much, and how in our times of dysregulation we can feel flooded.  Much like the rain, that California desperately needs for our infinite drought (suggesting that we don’t have enough), our structural systems say otherwise with statewide flooding (suggesting that we are getting too much). The torrential downpour has overwhelmed our cities over the last few weeks and caused a lot of issues, because we are being flooded. Our nervous systems work in a similar fashion. When we are in stressful, emotional and/or traumatic situations, or we have prolonged repeated exposure to negative or distressing stimulus, we can become flooded. Suddenly we begin to question ourselves. Are we enough? Are we good enough, strong enough, worthy enough? Can we be enough, do enough, accomplish enough? We might even feel like we are too much for certain people. Perhaps our internal dialogue is asking, am I too much? Am I too needy, do I require too much, am I asking too much? While we are each responsible for our self-regulation, we do need to look at some important factors when we notice that we are asking ourselves these questions:

1.   Are we exposing ourselves to toxic people and relationships? If so, are we doing this because we feel we must? You might feel like you can save the person (love them enough, be enough, do enough). You might feel like you can’t leave because you worry about them and their well-being and feel like you must stay in the relationship.

2.   Are we in a dysfunctional cycle? Is our body seeking a dysfunctional homeostasis because it’s our “normal?”

3.   Are we dependent on the feelings we get from the highs and lows? Is our body dependent on stress responses?

4.   Are we in distorted thinking patterns, like, all or nothing. Either I have this relationship (all) or I will be alone (nothing). We rationalize the all by saying it isn’t always bad, and we romanticize the good, even when the good is bare minimum.

5.   We grew up with these narratives. If we function best in an earning mentality, and we are constantly striving to please people, we might have learned that if we do enough, we are enough. But if we aren’t needed, then we are discarded, which validates our fear of not being enough or being too much maintenance in a relationship.

There are of course more things to consider and explore as we wrestle with this distortion. That being said, it is so important to remind yourself that in a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship you will never be too much for someone. They will hold space for you, encourage you to seek and be your best self, and remind you of your worth. They will pursue the relationship as well and choose you. They will expect you to be accountable for your actions and behavior, just as they hold themselves accountable for theirs. Likewise, you will always be enough. You will not need to earn, do, or be anything but your authentic self. They will have a desire to connect in ways that are meaningful to you, because they see you do the same. They will remind you of your inherent worth and value and encourage you to see yourself for the amazing person you truly are. This is not to say that we ever have an “arrival point.” In a healthy, growth-oriented relationship, both people are self-aware, have good boundaries, and a desire to grow as individuals and with one another. If someone is behaving in a way that is not congruent to who they are, the other person will make an effort to have a loving and gentle conversation and encourage further insight and awareness. When we do this with good intent, it keeps the emotional dysregulation and flooding to a minimum and allows for healthy, problem-solving conversations and effective communication.

Many of us grew up with this fear. That we are too much work for someone, or not worth enough. We carry this deep within our hearts and struggle to let go, because it is also how we (often) see ourselves. When the checklist is complete, it feels good for a short while, and then, inevitably, there is always another checklist to feel whole. We do not have to live this way though. We can get to a place where we recognize our worth is inherent and our value is not determined on what we can do or do not do. In fact, our existence proves that we were chosen. We have a purpose, and there is a plan for our lives. Song of Songs 4:7 says, “You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you.” And Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “these are the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” In Psalm 139 God reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, woven together with intention. One of the greatest lies of all time is the “enough” lie. The serpent whispered it to Eve in the beginning, and we still struggle with it now. “If God loved you enough, He wouldn’t withhold a good thing from you. He just doesn’t want you to be like Him.” And so he whispers in our ears, “it’s because you aren’t enough.” Or “it’s because you are too much.” But it was a lie then, and it’s a lie now, and once we recognize it, it has no power over us unless we give it power, we can step into our value and remind ourselves of truth. Whether you are a believer or not, if you have breath in your lungs, there is purpose for your life, and that isn’t to struggle with lies like these. It isn’t to live in a perpetually flooded or dysregulated state. On the contrary, God (that is my belief, but perhaps you believe in energy or the universe, or karma…) wants you to live life and live it in abundance. He wants you to know that you are worthy, amazing, and deeply loved for who you are and who you have yet to become.

When you sense this thought creeping in your mind, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the pouring rain. Washing you clean. Feel the water permeating your soul and open your eyes to watch the negative thoughts flow away from you with the water. You do not have to believe this distortion; it was never yours to begin with. Your thoughts become your beliefs, and it is important to be mindful of what you tell yourself regularly because you are paying attention. Remind yourself of your truth, your reasons, your beliefs. Remind yourself that regardless of what others may have said, or what you may have wrestled with in the past, you don’t have to bring it into the present.  Remind yourself, you are never too much and always enough.  

A Therapists Year-End Review: A Letter from a therapist.

Looking back on this year I am still in shock that it is already coming to an end. I was joking with several clients that I feel like most of us are still processing 2020, and yet 2022 is right around the corner. It often seems that way though, at the close of a chapter with something new on the horizon, we tend to reflect on what we are leaving behind, and what we are heading toward. 

As I end this year, one word comes to mind. Grateful. I have had a full year of owning and operating my private practice. This is the first time in years that I haven’t held multiple jobs and I have trusted that God would provide. It hasn’t always been easy, and there have been a few times I was tempted to take a corporate position for the ease and stability, but I never had peace about it. So, I stayed with it, and I am beyond grateful that I did. 

This year I have walked with so many who chose bravely and courageously to share their stories with me and trust me with the most intimate parts of themselves. They share things that they have never even spoken out loud, let alone to someone else. We have walked through incredible hurt, pain, grief, disappointment, trauma, anxiety, depression, and more. There were times when I held back tears for them, and times I simply couldn’t, and we shared in our universal understanding of one another. But that is not all that I saw this year. I saw tremendous triumph! I saw clients gain insight and awareness, I saw them lean into my interventions and push themselves outside of session to achieve their goals. I saw them increase their positive coping skills and let go of their old, harmful, maladaptive ways. I saw overcomers and achievers, and best of all, I saw the light in their eyes and the spark in their hearts when they finally understood something and believed in their own self-worth! I don’t think of them just as clients, I think of them as people I care deeply about. I root for them, I pray for them, I will always be their biggest cheerleader and the one person who models what a healthy, authentic, and transparent relationship looks like.  I see amazing people, and I am so honoredand so privileged and so thankful for each and every single client I have the pleasure of working with. This year I got to work with so many incredible people, and I am looking forward to what the new year has in store for our therapy journey and for their lives. 

As therapists I don’t think we often get to express just how much our clients mean to us, but as I was reflecting on my year and how I won’t see them again until 2022, I was thinking of the best possible way for me to honor them and express my gratitude. I know there are a multitude of therapists out there, ones who, let’s be honest, are probably often more equipped, have more experience or simply have a different expertise than I do, and yet my clients chose me. That honor is not wasted on me. One of the things I always tell my clients when we first begin sessions is that therapy can be hard, and that often things will feel worse before they feel better, but I tell them that if they can just hang on for the better, I promise to work my absolute hardest to get them there. Because they matter. Because their lives matter. Because their wellness, joy, and story matters. Not just to me, but to the world. Without them, the world wouldn’t be the same. And I am so grateful that I get to be a small part of their journey. So, in case any of my wonderful clients are reading this. Thank you. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for allowing me to walk alongside you and to act as a guide in your journey. Thank you for trusting me and allowing me to hold hope for you. Thank you for investing in yourself. Thank you for taking that first courageous step and sticking with it. You are amazing. Truly. I am so glad that I am getting to know you and have walked this path with you, and I hope that one day when you are ready to walk it alone, you will never forget how fantastic you are. That when the day comes for us to say, “see you later,” you inherently know your worth, value, and have grace with yourself to continue to learn along the way. I hope that if my voice sticks with you, as some of you tell me it does, you hear me saying, “you are incredible, and I am so proud of you.” Because that is the truth. I am incredibly proud of you. 

This year has been a lot of things- it has been crazy, sad, hectic, busy, wonderful, amazing, inspiring, life-changing, and so much more. As I reflect back, I want to see all the good- that is what I want to remember going into the new year. We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it and allow it to guide us in creating a future we are excited about. We have learned a lot of lessons this year, and while some of them have been horrendous, I know that we have grown and will continue to grow through it. Because we are survivors. We are investing into ourselves so we can thrive and that is what defines us- not the fact that life has knocked us down, but the fact that we have valiantly chosen to rise! I believe in our ability to continue to rise and to truly thrive, and I am excited to see that manifest in the new year. 

Once again, thank you to all my amazing clients, you have made this year great and I am grateful for you.

At the end of each year, I like to do a personal year-end review. This helps me remain grateful for all the lessons learned, growth that has occurred, and reminds me of things I do not want to carry with me into the new year. First and foremost, if this is something you are interested in, its fairly simple. All you need is a journal, something to write with, and some time. Start by asking the following questions:

What are some wins, victories, and positive things that have happened this year?

What are some areas where I have seen substantial growth?

What are some areas that I am still actively working on?

What are some of the harder things I have walked through this year?

What are things I do not want to carry into the new year (this can be attitudes, behaviors, reactions/responses, negative coping skills, beliefs, even relationships)?

What/who am I grateful for?

What word would I like to see manifested in the new year (this can be anything like: growth, determination, intentionality, grace, hope, acceptance, etc)?

What is one step I can take this week that will help me work toward manifesting that word? 

How can I stay mindful of my goal word throughout the days, weeks, and months?

What are some good goals to set weekly/monthly/quarterly for myself?

Do I want to learn anything new this year?

Do I want to do anything new this year?

When I look back at the end of the year, what do I want to remember most?

 How can I take active steps to writing a story that I want to live and that I am excited about?

I always encourage everyone to take their time with this. Come back to it often; work a little and then let it be. This is not something you want to rush through, but rather something you want to be intentional about and really give thought and effort to. This is also a great thing to do in session if you are currently seeing a therapist. Either way, remember that there are no right answers, and at the end of the day, this is simply a guidepost to helping you start the year as a fresh book- writing the story you want, and not just accepting roles that have been handed to you, or that you’ve always played. You get to be the author this year, and you get to decide what your story is about. These questions are a great place to start that story. 

Surviving and Thriving the Holiday Hustle and Bustle

What if the hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer? What if you are struggling with feeling constantly on edge, guilty for not doing or being enough, and struggling to fit it all in? What does it look like to question the notion of the “do-all and be-all,” instead of questioning our own worth?

I don’t know about you, but, so often I lay in bed at night, and I recount the day. I think about all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed, all the things I should have done or could have done. I struggle to fall asleep because my mind always wants to remind me of my shortcomings. Anxiety does this to us, the difference is now I recognize those intrusive thoughts and the buzzing feel as an intruder, not as me. So how do I combat that? Sometimes easily- sometimes I can tell myself that I did my best and remind myself of all the victories that day. Sometimes I can look back and realize that my kids enjoyed the moments, or that I am projecting my own insecurities onto them, but they don’t actually feel that way. Sometimes I see all the effort made and recognize that is what matters. Other times I fall into the guilt and shame trap. Then I vow to do better and find myself being performance based until I can’t keep running at the pace, I have set for myself. Looking back, I always manage to see that it was my anxiety spurring me on, but there is no point in lying and telling you that I always recognize it in the moment. Even when you’ve done all the hard work, and even when you continue doing the hard work, there are still times where you will fall or struggle. The truth is its part of the human condition. We all go through things; the goal is to turn that going into growing. To stop beating ourselves up so much and instead to recognize all the good we have done and continue to do. I don’t mean that we should have an inflated sense of self, just an accurate depiction of who we truly are. 

You are so many things- wonderful, amazing, talented, smart, kind, loving, capable. You are uniquely you, and even when you fail, you will be the only you there ever is. Sometimes being ourselves will be enough for others, sometimes it won’t ever be enough- we need to learn to distinguish between healthy and toxic relationships, and how to stop allowing others or our own destructive thoughts to tear us down. It is okay for us to not do it all, or to not be it all- I think we all need to read that multiple times. In fact, it’s not healthy to think that you can do it all or be it all for anyone or everyone, and yet that is what we so often do. Especially this time of the year. When the expectations are even higher than normal and we want to fit in as much as we possibly can, and we are stressed to the max and barely managing to keep it all together, but “sure I can do that for you… yes, we would love to come…. How can I help?” It is okay for you to say no. Let me say that again, it is okay for you to say no. It is okay for you to say yes- yes to rest, yes to self-care, yes to something that brings you joy, yes to help. What if instead of trying to cram everything into every day we simply enjoyed the moments the day brings? What if we focus on the things that truly matter to us? 

I don’t know at what point we decided that we needed to live these hectic lives but just for today, I just want you to stop.

I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, feel the air go into your lungs and then exhale all that worry, stress, fear, and perceived failure. 

I want you to remind yourself that you are enough, you have done enough, and you can’t ever do more when you are busy beating yourself up. 

What if you let go of all those unrealistic expectations you have of yourself, or the ones that were placed onto you? What if you decided to take each day as a new opportunity to love yourself well, and to love others? What if you chose today to stop living in the shadow of expectations and not be weighed down by all the hustle and bustle? There is no perfect way to do life, but there are infinite right ways, and leaning into who you are and accepting that we all have limitations is part of living a fulfilled and healthy life. You don’t have to do it all or be it all- you never did, and once we embrace that, we can lean into doing what we can and being who we were always meant to be. 

The hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer, in fact it usually comes with headaches, heartaches and stress. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change it, and it only takes recognition and desire. Today, focus on what truly matters to you and let go of anything and everything else. Choose to stop, breathe, reflect and move forward confidently knowing that you are enough and being enough has never been measured by doing enough. 

Some practical self-care tools:

Practice deep breathing (in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, exhale from your mouth for 7)

Do something that brings you joy

Spend time in nature

Connect with people that bring you joy

Utilize your senses: light a candle, try a new food or a food you love, take a warm bath or shower, look at lights, cozy up with a warm soft blanket.

A Letter From A Therapist...

This is a time like no other. We are all facing uncharted territory and trying to stay afloat amidst a chaotic sea of doubt, fear, worry, panic and isolation. We are told to refrain from connection (person-to-person contact), which is so life-giving to so many. We can no longer walk trails or beaches, which provides an outlet for nature lovers and reprieve from the constant day-to-day stressors. We are not allowed to gather with family, friends, our churches. Many have lost their jobs. Kids are not allowed to go to school. There are shortages everywhere. The medical community continues to cry out for us to stay home, and many of them feel as though they are sinking.

We have never seen this before. We have never known this particular struggle. Many of us were completely blindsided; not because others knew this was coming, but because most of us never thought something like this would. As I sit here and write this, I am still trying to reconcile all that is going on.

Virus— Pandemic— No Cure— Shortages— Isolation— Loss— Grief

As a therapist I can tell you that no two days are alike for me either. That’s what grief does to you. Some days you have reached acceptance, and others you face denial or bargaining; others still, you are angry or depressed. Some days I can go about, and it almost appears as though nothing is out of sorts, nothing from the outside world can penetrate the bubble of safety I have created in my home. Other days I grieve deeply. For the loss of human life, the loss of financial security, the loss of physical/emotional safety, the loss of consistent meals for so many, families being separated, the loss of large events like graduations and weddings, the loss of plans, the loss of aspirations and dreams, the loss of freedoms we so often took for granted. I grieve for these losses so deeply and my heart aches as I pray for a cure; I pray for total healing and restoration. As I navigate through this with my clients, I can’t help but feel that things are different right now. Many of my sessions, like most others I assume, are about what we are experiencing. There is a loss for words, and silence has become more normal in sessions. But even in that silence I hold hope.

You see, the only thing bigger than fear is faith. And I have faith that we will pull through this. Not unscathed. Not unchanged. Not without exponential loss. Not without grief.

But we will pull through.

I am not only holding hope for my clients anymore, I am also holding it for myself, my family, my friends, my faith community, other clinicians… I feel like I often hold hope for everyone and anyone that needs me to. But I want you to know something, I am hurting too. I see you. I see the deep grievances you face, and it hurts me. I see the uncertainty as we meet through video sessions, and it pains me. I see the fear in your words through our correspondences and I worry for you.

I worry that I was not trained for this. I was not trained to walk you through a pandemic. I was not trained to know what to say, what to do, what to give you in this moment. And if I said I was, I would be lying. This is new to me too. Every day I am learning. Every day I am relying on my intuition and my knowledge to help me piece things together. Every day I remember why you might be feeling this way, why emotions might be magnified. And I ache for you. My heart breaks that you are facing triggers you haven’t in a long time. My heart breaks that anxiety is heightened and depression is magnified. My heart breaks that you have to face yet another tragedy, that you are walking through more trauma.

Please know, my heart breaks for you.

But I want to turn this around now, I want you to see all the things that I am seeing too. I want you to know my heart in this, because if we can’t be vulnerable now, I don’t know when we ever will be.

·         While I was not trained for this, I am here for you.

·         We are experiencing this trauma together, so like I always tell you, everyone’s trauma threshold and response is different. You can lean on me.

·         I will always hold hope for you.

·         You will once again find hope for yourself.

·         This will not last forever.

·         We will get through this.

·         I know you feel stuck, and that your emotions are heightened right now, but you do have amazing new coping skills that you can utilize.

·         Feelings are not facts, and you know how to remind yourself of truths.

·         Your progress is not derailed.

·         Regression is a normal state of progress. Read that again.

 When we face uncertainties, we can often become disoriented; feeling as though we are not truly certain of anything but our fear. But fear is a liar. We are not held captive by fear unless we allow it to hold us captive. We can choose to see things differently. It is not always an easy choice to make, but you do have the power to do it.

I want to remind you (or equip you) of some coping skills you can use. I think its great for all of us to have these in our toolboxes.

Deep Breathing:

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably, close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, and exhale through your mouth for 7. Repeat 3xs.

Grounding:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

Mindfulness:

I want you to find a safe and comfortable space and either sit or lay down (it can either be in a quiet room or with your favorite music playing softly in the background). I want you to visualize a place of complete serenity. I want you to picture all the different colors you see, the landscape or place you are in, what does it look like? What can you touch? What can you hear? Is anyone with you or are you alone? What can you smell? What can you taste? I want you to visualize yourself in this space. I want you to feel yourself completely free of worries, fears and doubts. I want you to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are safe. You can stay in this place for however long you would like. When you are ready you can open your eyes.

Follow up activity: find a picture or create a picture that reminds you of this place and hang it somewhere you will see it often and be reminded that you can utilize mindfulness to reset and feel safe again.

Other effective coping skills:

·         Healthy sleep and eating

·         Journaling

·         Being creative

·         Connecting (phone/video/email/text) with people you love

·         Exercise (wear a mask outdoors or find fun stuff to do inside, dance parties are awesome!)

·         Read a good book/listen to music/watch your favorite movie/tv show

·         Practice self-care (a warm shower/bath, spa day at home, a cup of coffee with the fireplace on…this can be anything that is healthy for you and makes you feel good).

Above all what I hope this message conveyed to you, is that you are not alone. We are all in this together, and that there will always be people who care and want to hold hope for you. I would be lying if I said this was easy, and I wanted to share my heart today and let you know I am worried too. But what I also know is that worry is like a rocking chair, we go back and forth but we never get anywhere. Its okay to sit in the chair sometimes, because sometimes we just need to acknowledge our worries. But worrying can not add anything to your life, it just takes all the good things away. I needed you to know that I have been spending time in this chair too, and that it is normal. I do not want you to judge yourself right now (or ever really). I want you to acknowledge your feelings. To be present. To be mindful. I want you to practice your coping skills and self-care. I want you to reach out. But more than anything, I want you to be well. I want you to be safe. I want you to be thriving.

There is so much pain and heartache right now, but there is also so much hope and healing taking place. I see it all around me too. I see people connecting in ways they haven’t before, faith becoming stronger, communities pulling together while distanced. I see people doing the hard thing and staying home, staying away from those they love BECAUSE they love them. I see all the “essential” workers and that they continue to show up and be present for us all. While we might be distanced physically, I am not sure we have ever been closer emotionally.

To whomever needs to hear this right now, I want you to know you are loved, valued, treasured and cherished. Your life matters. You have a purpose greater than you know, and there are people who deeply care about you and your well-being.

Its okay to be tired. Its okay not to have a schedule. Its okay to eat ice cream for dinner (maybe not all the time 😉). Its okay to do nothing. Its okay to stay busy. Its okay to talk on the phone. Its okay to ignore a phone call. Right now, in this moment, I want you to give yourself permission to do a self-check-in and to write down everything you have been holding inside. Then drop your shoulders, breathe deeply and release the tension.

Remember this, it is always one day at a time, but sometimes we have to take it moment by moment too.

This is new. This is scary. But I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And we are in this together.

Lovingly,

Melani Samples

A Day in the Life of Anxiety: My Personal Experience, part 2.

I am fine.

Walking through the weeks as though they are days, I find myself battling to keep up. The time goes by without any remembrance of what has come or what has gone, and I pass through life as though it were a time-lapse video, the scenery changes but I remain the same.

Discouraged to the point that I feel as though nothing will ever change, this new me, the one I so despise, this is the real me; it has been all along. The smiles and the laughs continue, no one even notices or bothers to ask. I hide my pain so well, and then blame those around me for not taking the time to help me pick up the shattered remnants of what I once was.

You look at me and simply see a woman; one who appears so very well put together. You see the accomplishments and the triumphs…you see the friends that surround me and the ability to carry myself in a manner that would make others want to be like me based on the vibrancy I put out into the world.

Inside I am dying.

My heart is racing, my mind is pacing-it never slows down. My thoughts overwhelm me, and I wonder if I will drown In my sea of doubts, fears and distortions.

Insomnia ridden, sleep eludes me.

But I push on. I tell myself that I have made it this far, so I push harder. If no one has noticed yet, they never will. I continue through the winding road called life, knowing that there will be turns and bumps that will knock me down. But, I don’t focus on that. My motions appear robotic to me, but at least I keep moving. If I acknowledge this turmoil it becomes real, and real is not something I can handle.

I am the woman you see every day, never questioning my emotional state or mental process, you just assume that I am fine (after all, its what I have led you to believe). Those three words, they often lead to death. When I tell you, “I am fine,” I am anything but fine. I am to the point that death; physical, mental, emotional…they all seem more appealing than this hell that I am living.

People say, “Just pray harder…” “take a cold shower…” “its all in your mind.” Do you think, just for a moment, that if there would be a way to change the way I am feeling in this moment, that I would have done it already?

I am a prisoner of my own mind. The coherent me is held captive by these destructive thoughts that wash over me like a raging river with no intention of keeping me above the water. I am struggling to find a way out, but the shore is not in sight and the current is too strong. I have tried grasping the branches, I have tried swimming to the side, the only thing left to do is wait it out and pray for calmer waters ahead. Nothing could ever prepare you to deal with this, unless you have gone through it already. It feels like there is no way out when you are in the midst of it, so you just have to let it be.

I do not need you to save me, if you attempted to rescue me, you would just get pulled into chaos that you cannot understand. What I need is someone to be there, for someone to say, “this is just a nightmare and it will be over soon” Please do not tell me what to do, or what to try, or, “I know how hard this is for you.” Do you really? Have you gone through hell and back? Have you thought, every single day for as long as you can remember that TODAY is the day you will die? Not wanting to celebrate the good because something bad will inevitably happen. Paying attention to every hospital just in case…

Have you wished you were dead, and at the same time feared you were dying?

The next time you tell someone, “its all in your head,” remember this, one day it could be in yours too. Mental illness does not discriminate. It is not picky and it can choose you. The next time you say to someone, “you are not depressed, you are just sad. Stop focusing on the negative all the time,” or, “you just freak yourself out, you think too much. It isn’t that bad. Maybe you just need to stop being so stressed, that’s what is causing all of your anxiety.” I want you to go look in the mirror and I want you to say to yourself, “thank you Lord that I do not struggle with these silent killers. Thank you for my health; physical, mental and emotional. And please Lord, help me to keep my mouth shut when I do not know what I am talking about.”

When you struggle with mental illness, every SINGLE DAY can be a battle. Anxiety, Panic Disorder, OCD, Depression… did you know they often occur together? Imagine THAT, not just one, but all coming to get you at the same time. Engulfed by despair and hopelessness that nothing will ever change, panic ridden over intrusive thoughts that are not conducive to life, and filled with anxiety for fear of the future, you battle hard just to keep your head above the water.

You keep saying, “I am fine, I am fine, I am fine…” but really, you are slowly drowning in a sea of people that keep telling you useless things to “snap you out of it.” You are shouting in your head, “It won’t work… I have tried that before… it only makes it worse…” But they keep saying the same things over and over again. THIS is mental illness, this is something you cannot fully understand unless you have walked a day in these shoes.

So the next time I say, “I am fine,” please think about what that could really mean, not just for me, but for the response you may have toward me. The only stigma that exists is the one we allow to circulate, I am not in need of saving, just understanding. And even if you don’t understand, it is nice to have someone to sit with through the storm.

I am battling hard, I struggle every day. Please do not judge a book by its cover, a smile hides SO many things. But smiling is so much easier than admitting the truth.

If you have gone through this, talk to someone. There are others who have gone through it too. Reach out, do not let one more day pass where you are engulfed. For what its worth, you can keep treading water. You can keep your head up, even if barely above the surface, and while you don’t need to be saved, there are people who have life preservers to throw to you; lifelines that will allow you to get back in the boat and find new ways to cope. Your life matters, your story matters and there are people who will understand.

I know I do.

*special note:

Everyone experiences mental illness differently. When I was in the pit of despair I wrote this way often, writing helped get it out of my head and I found calm. I also talked to someone. I went to therapy and I processed what was going on. I learned about my triggers, and I learned about how certain things are connected. I learned tools and techniques to manage my anxiety. There are days that are still hard, things that happen and my natural response is panic. But in those moments I have learned that I AM in control. I have learned how to take my life back, and I believe that you can too.