I am fine.
Walking through the weeks as though they are days, I find myself battling to keep up. The time goes by without any remembrance of what has come or what has gone, and I pass through life as though it were a time-lapse video, the scenery changes but I remain the same.
Discouraged to the point that I feel as though nothing will ever change, this new me, the one I so despise, this is the real me; it has been all along. The smiles and the laughs continue, no one even notices or bothers to ask. I hide my pain so well, and then blame those around me for not taking the time to help me pick up the shattered remnants of what I once was.
You look at me and simply see a woman; one who appears so very well put together. You see the accomplishments and the triumphs…you see the friends that surround me and the ability to carry myself in a manner that would make others want to be like me based on the vibrancy I put out into the world.
Inside I am dying.
My heart is racing, my mind is pacing-it never slows down. My thoughts overwhelm me, and I wonder if I will drown In my sea of doubts, fears and distortions.
Insomnia ridden, sleep eludes me.
But I push on. I tell myself that I have made it this far, so I push harder. If no one has noticed yet, they never will. I continue through the winding road called life, knowing that there will be turns and bumps that will knock me down. But, I don’t focus on that. My motions appear robotic to me, but at least I keep moving. If I acknowledge this turmoil it becomes real, and real is not something I can handle.
I am the woman you see every day, never questioning my emotional state or mental process, you just assume that I am fine (after all, its what I have led you to believe). Those three words, they often lead to death. When I tell you, “I am fine,” I am anything but fine. I am to the point that death; physical, mental, emotional…they all seem more appealing than this hell that I am living.
People say, “Just pray harder…” “take a cold shower…” “its all in your mind.” Do you think, just for a moment, that if there would be a way to change the way I am feeling in this moment, that I would have done it already?
I am a prisoner of my own mind. The coherent me is held captive by these destructive thoughts that wash over me like a raging river with no intention of keeping me above the water. I am struggling to find a way out, but the shore is not in sight and the current is too strong. I have tried grasping the branches, I have tried swimming to the side, the only thing left to do is wait it out and pray for calmer waters ahead. Nothing could ever prepare you to deal with this, unless you have gone through it already. It feels like there is no way out when you are in the midst of it, so you just have to let it be.
I do not need you to save me, if you attempted to rescue me, you would just get pulled into chaos that you cannot understand. What I need is someone to be there, for someone to say, “this is just a nightmare and it will be over soon” Please do not tell me what to do, or what to try, or, “I know how hard this is for you.” Do you really? Have you gone through hell and back? Have you thought, every single day for as long as you can remember that TODAY is the day you will die? Not wanting to celebrate the good because something bad will inevitably happen. Paying attention to every hospital just in case…
Have you wished you were dead, and at the same time feared you were dying?
The next time you tell someone, “its all in your head,” remember this, one day it could be in yours too. Mental illness does not discriminate. It is not picky and it can choose you. The next time you say to someone, “you are not depressed, you are just sad. Stop focusing on the negative all the time,” or, “you just freak yourself out, you think too much. It isn’t that bad. Maybe you just need to stop being so stressed, that’s what is causing all of your anxiety.” I want you to go look in the mirror and I want you to say to yourself, “thank you Lord that I do not struggle with these silent killers. Thank you for my health; physical, mental and emotional. And please Lord, help me to keep my mouth shut when I do not know what I am talking about.”
When you struggle with mental illness, every SINGLE DAY can be a battle. Anxiety, Panic Disorder, OCD, Depression… did you know they often occur together? Imagine THAT, not just one, but all coming to get you at the same time. Engulfed by despair and hopelessness that nothing will ever change, panic ridden over intrusive thoughts that are not conducive to life, and filled with anxiety for fear of the future, you battle hard just to keep your head above the water.
You keep saying, “I am fine, I am fine, I am fine…” but really, you are slowly drowning in a sea of people that keep telling you useless things to “snap you out of it.” You are shouting in your head, “It won’t work… I have tried that before… it only makes it worse…” But they keep saying the same things over and over again. THIS is mental illness, this is something you cannot fully understand unless you have walked a day in these shoes.
So the next time I say, “I am fine,” please think about what that could really mean, not just for me, but for the response you may have toward me. The only stigma that exists is the one we allow to circulate, I am not in need of saving, just understanding. And even if you don’t understand, it is nice to have someone to sit with through the storm.
I am battling hard, I struggle every day. Please do not judge a book by its cover, a smile hides SO many things. But smiling is so much easier than admitting the truth.
If you have gone through this, talk to someone. There are others who have gone through it too. Reach out, do not let one more day pass where you are engulfed. For what its worth, you can keep treading water. You can keep your head up, even if barely above the surface, and while you don’t need to be saved, there are people who have life preservers to throw to you; lifelines that will allow you to get back in the boat and find new ways to cope. Your life matters, your story matters and there are people who will understand.
I know I do.
*special note:
Everyone experiences mental illness differently. When I was in the pit of despair I wrote this way often, writing helped get it out of my head and I found calm. I also talked to someone. I went to therapy and I processed what was going on. I learned about my triggers, and I learned about how certain things are connected. I learned tools and techniques to manage my anxiety. There are days that are still hard, things that happen and my natural response is panic. But in those moments I have learned that I AM in control. I have learned how to take my life back, and I believe that you can too.