Surviving and Thriving after someone was drunk driving...

Life can change in an instant. Twelve years ago, I took my son to spend the day with his Oma and Opa. To have a pool day in the heat of summer, and just let my sweet four-year-old enjoy every moment before it was time for me to go back to teaching, and for him to go back to preschool. The day was truly wonderful. Laughs galore, and memories that will forever live in our hearts. On the way home we stopped at Target to get a few needed items and made our way back to our house. The entire drive (from my parents to my home was about 15 minutes). It was barely 9pm at night. I remember looking to my left as I set my signal to exit the freeway, and my son asked, “momma, are we almost home.” I responded, “Yes baby, almost there.” And then, as if we were cast in a scene from final destination our world exploded. I can still hear my son’s blood-curdling scream. I tried to slam on my brakes while it felt like our car was ripped in half, I was screaming for my son, “baby, are you okay, are you okay baby,” all while trying to bring the car to a stop, but the brakes weren’t responding. My son was screaming for me. After what felt like a lifetime, I was able to slow the car down and come to a stop. My door was jammed by whatever happened and I had to slam my body into it in order to open the door. My son’s door was nonexistent, and I had to pull him over my seat to get him out of the car. I held him so tight, and we dropped to our knees. We were both crying, shaking and totally unaware of what had happened. A woman approached me and asked if we were okay, she must have registered that I was in shock and told me that she witnessed the whole thing and that we were hit by a drunk driver. She said the ambulance and police were on the way and asked if I needed anything. During the impact everything in the car was displaced and I couldn’t find my phone, so thankfully this beautiful soul allowed me to use her phone to call my husband and parents. We stood on the side of the road and saw my van literally smashed and totaled. We survived. My son had asked if he could sit in the very back on the way home and something stirred in my spirit and I told him no, that I didn’t want to move his seat, and it would be faster for him to stay sitting behind me. If he hadn’t been in the seat he was in, he wouldn’t be here today. There was no trunk or back row left. Our minivan was turned into a 4-seat sedan from the impact. In the distance I could see lights and the lady said that two men pulled over with their trucks and blocked the driver in because he was trying to leave. The police, firefighters and ambulance showed up but went to him first, it took about 20 minutes for them to make their way to us after they arrived. They said he didn’t suffer any injuries. They examined us; my sons face was bloody from being hit in the face by something in the car, but he was okay physically, aside from that. They cleaned him up and examined me. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and they wanted to take us by ambulance, but I was already so anxious and just wanted my husband to take us to the hospital. We were there for hours, and I had to sign a waiver to be released.

The police report predicted that he hit us going over 100mph. That on impact he spun out and went into the shoulder, thankfully avoiding all other vehicles, so, by the grace of God, it was just the two of us that were involved. He was 4xs over the legal limit for alcohol and high. When they walked him past us to put him in the police car near us, he was laughing and smiling and saying, “what happened, I’m fine, I can go home.” He had no idea what he had done. The next year would continue to create trauma as him and his attorney did everything to avoid any type of repercussion for his actions. All I wanted was for him to get help, he was only 21 at the time. My son and I sought counseling, which didn’t go too well for us at the time. It was horrible trying to get an appointment to begin with (we had Kaiser at the time), and the wait was long. The intake process and subsequent appointments were anything but helpful, and I began to do my own research on how to help my son. Unfortunately, I was also let go from my private teaching position because of physical limitations due to the accident. I had no idea what to do. I loved teaching and never thought that God might have different plans. As I learned more about play therapy, God put on my heart to pursue a counseling psychology degree. He took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it for good. I knew that I never wanted another family or child to go through what we went through when we were looking for help.

That accident happened twelve years ago, and while I live with chronic back and neck pain, and my son and I were both diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder and generalized anxiety, I am beyond thankful that God had plans for our lives. Not everyone is able to walk away from these accidents. In the US alone, 29 people die every day due to intoxicated driving. That is 1 death every 50 minutes. Sadly only 1% of people who drive under the influence will ever face any kind of consequence for their actions. Twelve years later and we are still impacted by this “accident,” that could have so easily been avoided had this young man made a different decision. As crazy as it might sound, I thank God that he hit us and not a family in a smaller vehicle. That it was only us involved in that accident. And I still pray that he was able to turn his life around and find hope, help, and healing.

There are so many options these days. No one has to drive under the influence. And we need to do better and not allow others to engage in these behaviors. I am not sure what the answer is, but I know too many people personally that have suffered greatly because of drivers who are under the influence. There is help and hope. There are programs and people who care enough to help those struggling with addiction or risky behaviors.

When I look back at the picture I am transported to that moment, and while it is a moment I wish I could forget, its one that will be with me for the rest of my life. I am blessed to be here today. To have my son and to continue to share this testimony. The enemy meant to kill us that day, but God made beauty from the ashes.

This is part of my story. And it is what brought me to find my own help and healing. It allowed me to connect with wonderful colleagues and create a path for myself that allows me to help people every day. I am so honored and privileged to work with all my clients and to help them write stories they love for themselves. I know that life can change in an instant, and I do not take that for granted.

If you or someone you know is struggling call or text 988 or call 211 for local resources. There are also plenty of celebrate recovery programs, AA, and invitation to change programs.

Reacting vs. Responding: The Difference Between a Reactive or Proactive approach

All too often in therapy, people come in because they have exhausted all other efforts and feel that therapy is their last hope. They have expended all their energy, tried every way they can think of, and they continue in the same patterns of behavior or cycles. This level of exhaustion is incredibly harmful for the client, and of course, difficult for the clinician to navigate. In this scenario, we are dealing with a reactive approach and must be very wise in how we proceed because mindset matters, and what we think becomes our reality. When we begin to believe the negative voices in our heads, or maybe even the toxic voices of others in relationships that are harmful, we are filled with lies, doubt, fear, anxiety, depression, angst, frustration and more.  We question our own reality and often begin to wonder what we did to “deserve this,” or why this continues happening.

On the contrary, some clients come in because they want to work on effective communication. They feel like life is going well, their relationships are generally good, and they want to utilize therapy as a check point and gain additional tools to maximize how they live their lives. Often these clients have already done previous work, and they understand how detrimental it can be when they don’t take a proactive approach.

As a therapist, I can tell you, the former is much more typical than the latter. And completely normal. Most of us grew up with an emotional deficit of some sort. Very few people were taught the emotional tools to step back, assess and then respond. In fact, what we see often in couples, or marriage counseling is listening to respond(which is a reaction), rather than listening to understand(which is a response). This differentiation is so important, because when we listen to respond, we aren’t actually hearing or understanding and therefore we continue the “cycle of crazy,” many feel stuck in.

Let’s talk a little more about Reactive responses. Reactive responses come from a place of dysregulation. Generally, when we react to something we are in our emotional or survival brain, and in that space, the primary function is safety at any cost. So, when someone says something like, “I would really just appreciate more grace from you, I am tired.” We might react by saying something like, “I’m tired too! I can’t believe that you always make me feel like I don’t matter.” The listener in this scenario is reacting by trying to validate their initial response to something. This reaction says, “It doesn’t matter what I said/how I treated you, or that you are tired, that’s not an excuse.” What is really happening is the listener feels unsafe, so to create distance (which is generally not the thing anyone wants in relationships) they resort to competition style language to validate themselves.  In this situation, there is no healthy resolution (at this time). Regardless of the conversation beforehand, the reactionary response will generally illicit a reaction from the other person, and therefore we continue in the “crazy cycle.” Reactions generally take longer to work through, are harder to navigate because there is high level of emotions involved and is often a recreation of family of origin patterns.

Proactive responses, on the other hand, look a little different. Take the above scenario for example. In a proactive situation, the listener might respond with something like, “I appreciate you sharing that you are tired, and I would love to discuss your definition of grace and how I might be able to extend that to you. That being said, we have discussed this particular situation several times, and when it continues happening, I feel like my wants and needs do not matter. It makes me feel dismissed and that is hurtful to me. How can we also address this?”  The listener validated the speakers concerns, came up with a plan to define what grace means so they both have a clear understanding, and shared how they feel using “I” statements. They also addressed the issue of a pattern in a loving way. And approached the problem with a team mentality. Another way to be proactive is to pay attention to our own emotional responses and the responses of others. If the listener felt overwhelmed or felt as though the speaker is not in a receptive place, they might say something like, “I appreciate your sharing that with me, why don’t we take some time to (rest, relax, eat (fill in the blank)) and circle back around to this when we are both feeling better.”

It is important to remember that no one is a perfect communicator, we will all have times when we feel triggered and simply react (emotionally) rather than respond (thoughtfully). Communication is something we all must work on, and it requires effort. If one person is always the one to be proactive with no change from the other person, then we need to assess the healthiness of that relationship and sustainability. In your own life, if you feel flooded with emotions, overwhelmed or dysregulated, it might be a sign that you are operating in reactive mode and survival brain. Take some time to look for patterns in your language, thoughts, relationships, and life situations and talk to someone you trust about it. Sometimes it’s hard to gain insight when we are in the midst of it, so having an outsider perspective can help get us back on track.

Simply put, reactions (high level of emotions) generally lead to bigger reactions. Proactive choices (thoughtful/logical) generally provide insight and awareness and usher healthy change. We will also react instead of responding sometimes, and again, that’s normal. But if we all take accountability for our own responses and what we will allow in our lives, we can move toward a more proactive life and truly enjoy writing a story we will love. Nothing will ever be perfect, but it can be perfectly imperfect.

What therapy is and who I am as a therapist:

Therapy is a place that you can come to be fully yourself. You can say what you need to say, feel whatever you need to feel, and trust that your therapist will hold a nonjudgmental and safe space for you to process. One of the things I like to go over with clients in our initial consultation call is who I am as a therapist, because let’s face it, we are all different, and what they can expect out of the therapy process with me. So, if you are here reading and are curious, let me do my best to explain myself and my process. 

As a therapist I promise to show up and be authentically me. I promise to be transparent with you, to challenge you to grow, and to guide you in your journey. I promise to model a healthy, loving and encouraging relationship with and for you, and that I will always be in your corner cheering you on and believing in you. I promise to hold hope for you, even and especially when, the hurt threatens to overtake any hope you might have had. I promise to work my hardest to help you reach your goals and write a story you will love being a part of. I promise to not make any empty promises. 

As a therapist I act as a guide, and you are the expert. I come alongside you and help you navigate your life currently, how the past has influenced the present, and how you would like to mold yourself to create a future that you look forward to. I will utilize a wide range of techniques, tools, and modalities to help you reach your goals. And I will work my hardest,but I can’t and won’t work harder than you. This means you must be willing to do the hard work, make the changes you want to make, and try new things. We might not always get it right, but we will always try, and if you are committed to the process, I can promise the process works. When we discuss what a therapist and therapy is, we also need to discuss what a therapist and therapy is not. 

As your therapist I am not a miracle worker or magician. I say this with love. I can’t magically make everything better, and I can’t work out all your problems. What I can do though, is help you navigate life, give you healthy alternatives and encourage you to grow and change to be a healthier and thriving you. I do not have a magic wand and coming to therapy isn’t a miracle answer. Therapy is hard work. It’s a place where you lay it all down, you sort through the hard stuff, you cry, you get angry, you want to give up. You question why you chose to do this, and if you should continue. But therapy works. That I can also promise. Therapy is messy and beautiful, and all the good things life should be. It teaches you to see yourself through new eyes, and it helps you to focus on the things that are most important. Therapy is painful. We are talking about all the things you typically avoid, and each week I challenge you with a new concept to try outside of session. Stagnation has no place in therapy. Even when it seems like we are stuck, there is work being done. And if you get to a place with a therapist where you feel like there isn’t work being done, address it. As a therapist I don’t have all the answers, and I am not always right. I have a genuine and empathic heart. I have strong intuition and often lean on that when I go out on limbs trying to connect the dots. I have years of training, and on-going training that equips me to help you in this process. While I don’t like labels, and I never have, I am able to diagnose and utilize the diagnosis as a lens to formulate the best possible treatment plan for you. But I promise to do that with you. I promise to discuss goals and to do my best to understand what you ultimately want to achieve through therapy. 

As your therapist, I am unlike other people in your life. I am not your friend, though it may feel that way. Trust me when I say, there have been clients, and I believe there always will be, that I could see as friends in different circumstances. Its normal to feel this way. We meet regularly, you share openly and honestly with me, I listen and reflect on what you tell me, I challenge you to grow and do so with love and admiration for who you already are. I genuinely care for every single client. And it is not something I can turn off when session ends. As a therapist, I think about clients outside of therapy. I pray for them, sometimes I will even check on them if my heart tells me to reach out. I want the best for you, and I am honored that I get to be part of the process. It is my job to model healthy boundaries for you,but that doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate if you call or text just to tell me something exciting. I guarantee I will scream with you in joy and celebration. Or, if something horrible happens, I will be there to sit with you and allow you to cry or simply be. Sometimes, I will even cry with you, because I am human too, and when you hurt, I hurt. As your therapist, I promise to see you fully. For whom you are, and who you have the potential to become. And I promise that, as long as you will allow me, I will work with you to create the life you want. 

As your therapist I promise to create a safe, loving, nonjudgmental and life-changing space for you. I promise to hold hope. I promise to sort through the hurt. I promise to guide you in the process. I want you to know that this isn’t my job, it’s my passion and calling, and I believe that God led me to this to help and to be a beacon of hope and light in the darkness. I won’t always get it right, I will make mistakes, sometimes I will be sick or need to cancel, or be gone on trainings, or take time off to be with my family, but what I can promise you is that while you continue your process I will be here. As long as you and God allow me to be, I will walk alongside you and cheer you on every step of the way. 

I might not have all the answers, but I promise to always do my best to understand you, encourage you, and guide you with truth and love. Therapy might not be magical, but magic does happen when we allow someone else the chance to fully be seen.

Cognitive Distortions... you don't need them.

For many of us, we are entirely unaware of how prevalent cognitive distortions are in our lives. We have allowed them to run rampant in our every day thought processes and when someone points out how dysfunctional they are, we can even become a bit defensive.

Cognitive distortions serve no healthy purpose. In fact, they often lead to more irrational thinking, dysregulated mood, as well as intrapersonal and interpersonal problems. We find that those struggling with distortions regularly struggle to maintain a positive outlook or hope that things can get better. They often have more difficulties in their interpersonal relationships and allow their distortions to dictate the outcome of their relationships.

All this to say, cognitive distortions are relatively normal to have. Most of us have struggled, and often even after learning about distortions and how to work through them effectively, still do struggle with at least one. Below you will find a list of the 10 most common distortions. It would be beneficial for you to go through the list and notate any that you feel resonate with you, or that you are aware that you do regularly.

1.      Mental Filtering: When we choose (often unconsciously) to focus on everything that is not working. We filter out all the good and only see the bad.

• Reframe: Begin by listing 1 thing daily that is going right or is good. Eventually work up to 5-10 items daily.

2.      Jumping to Conclusions: When we make *irrational* assumptions about other people or situations based on our feelings rather than on facts or evidence.

• Reframe: Examine the evidence. Is your conclusion substantiated? Challenge the feeling. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts. Question what the conclusion does for you, does it help you or hurt you? And, are their healthier alternatives?

3.      Personalization: When we take undue blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives and others, and we find ourselves to constantly be a victim of circumstance.

• Reframe: Examine what part (if any) you did have in the outcome, accept whatever responsibility you have in the matter and work on letting others accept responsibility as well.

4.      All of Nothing Thinking: When we see everything in black or white, right, or wrong; there is no middle ground or space to compromise.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself by finding alternative (middle ground) solutions or compromises. Start small and work up to adjusting on a larger scale.

5.      Catastrophizing: When we blow things our of proportion or make situations/events worse than they actually are. Everything will always be bad.

• Reframe: Challenge your thinking. “Are things really as bad as I feel?” And then challenge your feelings; Why am I feeling this way, what evidence do I have that supports this feeling?

6.      Overgeneralization: When we have a habit of using past experiences (often based in feelings rather than evidence) to predict or make assumptions about the future. “She ALWAYS…He NEVER…”

• Reframe: Challenge the absolutes (always, never, must..) and is there evidence to support a different outcome? Could things be different if we didn’t use absolutes?

7.      Labeling: When we make global statements about ourselves or others based on situation specific behaviors. We use one event to label the rest. *this often mirrors our internal belief system.

• Reframe: Where is the evidence that this is true in every situation? Reminding ourselves that using one event to determine the outcome of everything requires further reflection.

8.      Shoulding and Musting: When we use “should and must” to have unreasonable expectations of ourselves or others. “You SHOULD…I MUST…”

• Reframe: When you notice yourself using these words, challenge yourself to see if the expectations are reasonable. How are you feeling? Is your feeling based on evidence? Are there any other healthy alternatives that can help you reach the desired outcome.

9.      Emotional Reasoning: When we allow our feelings to dictate how we see situations, people, and outcomes. The tendency to allow our feelings to control our perceptions.

• Reframe: Being mindful in the moment and questioning our feelings. “Is how I am feeling skewed or biased? What evidence do I have to support my feelings?”

10.  Magnification and Minimization: When we tend to minimize our own positive attributes and devalue ourselves, while magnifying someone else’s positive attributes and putting them on a pedestal. In other words, recognizing and magnifying some else’s good while putting yourself down.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself to find reasons that you are deserving and capable. Start out with listing one thing daily that you are good at, that you do well. Eventually build up and add to your list. “What about today/this situation makes me deserving and capable?”

So, what to do once you have identified which ones you struggle with? You work on reframing your thoughts. A mental health professional can work with you to identify which ones you struggle with (do not be surprised if multiple resonate with you) and help you to gain more effective and healthy coping skills. Cognitive distortions often come from a time when they served you. For example, at some point in your life someone you trusted told you what you SHOULD do, and you saw the unreasonable expectations they had on themselves (what they MUST do). This led you to utilizing the “shoulding and musting” in your own life without even recognizing where it came from. At one point it was normal. But that does not mean it was healthy. Which leads you to finding healthier alternatives for the distortions.

To some extent we may all do these from time to time. To say that we could entirely eradicate ever doing any of these would not be beneficial, but we can minimize the frequency and extent to which you utilize these to cope. Our thoughts are based on our perceptions and our perceptions are our reality. But if we can change our thoughts, we can change our reality. We can go from hopeless to having hope. From struggling interpersonally to maintaining healthy and thriving relationships. From intrapersonal discord to shaping who we want to be and loving the life we live. You are not destined to live with unhealthy thinking patterns or maladaptive (unhealthy) coping skills. The thing about our thoughts is, they are often founded through feelings, and feelings are not facts. When we take the time to examine our feelings and their validity, we find that we have unresolved hurts or ineffective coping skills that have served us but no longer do. We find that we can let go of those feelings and focus on the facts, we can change our thoughts, we can lean into the discomfort temporarily to create a life we will love, we can choose a different path than the one we are currently on, and we do not have to let our past dictate our future outcomes.

Parenting and Pandemics, Oh My.

It’s safe to say that the world we are living in now is very different from the world we knew, for many, even just a month ago. We have gone from over-crowded schedules to trying to figure out what to do with our time.

Our kids are no exception to this.

We have taught our children from early on to glorify busy. The more you do, the more that is on the calendar, the more you are involved in, the better life is. The truth is, many of us (myself included), often prayed for time. That time would slow down. That we would have more time with our children and family, that we would have more time to accomplish (fill in the blank).

Time is not our problem. What we find important is.

Our children are learning to navigate this in the same way you are, only they have a limited understanding of all that is taking place. If your home is anything like mine, we do not have cable, I do not watch the news (I check one news source daily online and limit my own exposure), and the only information the kids have is the information they overhear from us or that we share with them. But they are scared. They are worried. They are anxious. They are sad. They are dysregulated.

Their entire worlds have been flipped upside down and we are wondering why we see more behaviors, more acting out, more tantrums, more distancing or isolation… we question why they are responding this way, but are we taking the time to truly ask?

We are busy checking in with family, friends, neighbors… many of us even check in with community pages to see what needs we can help meet, but how many of us are checking in with our kids?

The reason I say time is not our problem is that we choose how to spend our time. Yes, schedules have changed. Our kids are not in school, many of us are home (more or all the time) and we are trying to fill our time. But what if we took that time and filled it with teaching our kids some healthy skills?

First: Connection. Do a daily check-in, ask the important questions. Teach them that they are allowed to have feelings and that their feelings matter. But also teach them that it isn’t okay to take your feelings out on others.

Implement a calm down area: put pillows, bean bags, blankets, sensory/fidget toys, play-doh, kinetic sand, stress balls, art supplies, books, journals, puzzles, pool noodles (to hit pillows/soft things when angry) and stuffed animals in the area. You can even put a “punching bag” or something it is okay to hit.

Your kids are ALLOWED to have emotions, and they will. They will have feelings. We all do. Feelings are normal. But you have a unique opportunity right now to teach them that feelings are not facts. That they can feel what they need to feel but they do not have to let those feelings control them. This is why the calm down area is great. You are teaching them self-regulation. It’s okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious (etc), it is not okay to hit your sibling, yell at someone, throw something, lock yourself in a room (etc). When they are feeling overwhelmed, they can go to the calm down area (have a timer in there to help them with keeping time), and when they are ready, they can return to their normal activities.

Second: Affirmation(s). When you ask your children questions about how they are feeling, affirm their feelings. Remind them that its normal to be feeling a lot of different things right now and that they are not alone. Explain that feelings are not facts and sometimes our feelings lie to us, they tell us things like “Nothing will ever get better,” but we know that is a distortion (thinking in absolutes (all or nothing thinking). Remind them that it can feel that way, but we know that eventually things will change, and things will get better.

Five questions to ask:

1.      How can I help you?

2.      What do you need?

3.      What would make you feel better?

4.      Are you hungry, tired or bored?

5.      Have you been creative, active, and helpful? And have you had any quiet time to rest your body and mind?

These questions require them to think, process and give answers that provide insight into their emotions. If they respond, “I don’t know…” you can always follow up with, “That sounds really frustrating, can I help you figure it out, or would you like some time to think about it?”

Third: Resolution(s). No one likes feeling dysregulated, especially children. They often become frustrated because they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling. Or they are afraid that it will upset you when they tell you how they are feeling.

Offer 5 minutes of unfiltered talk time. During this time, you cannot judge, criticize, comment or  offer feedback. They get to say whatever they need to say without consequence(s). At first this will feel odd, but it will open up healthy lines of communication and allow your children a safe space to be heard and understood. When the time is up you can follow up with, “Thank you for sharing all of that. Is there anything I can help you with that you would like to talk about more?” This way you are not only modeling active listening skills, but you are also providing them with the ability to ask for help when needed or to be autonomous and figure their own solutions.

Fourth: Empathy. Modeling empathy for our children looks like us leaning into the difficult conversations or utilizing our playtime to engage them to express their feelings.

Puppets, stuffed animals or dolls are great for role play, and when utilized often do not face the same barriers a face-to-face conversation would. When children are playing it is much easier for them to portray how they are feeling. If your children are too old for this type of play, you can always ask them to play their new favorite song for you or write a short story/poem or comic strip about a character who is going through pandemic life. It will give you great insight and allow you to connect with them on an entirely new level.

Once you are aware of how they are feeling, help them understand that these feelings are normal. You can share how you are feeling too, just make sure to convey that this is about them. “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I imagine this must be very scary for you. I am here if you want to talk more about it. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but there are times (insert role) mommy is scared too, so I know it is not fun to feel this way. I am always here if I can help in any way. Do you want to talk about some of the things that scare you?”

Remember, empathy is about connection and understanding someone’s feelings. It is not about feeling sorry for that person, or even knowing exactly how they feel. It is you trying to put yourself into their shoes. As adults, we don’t know exactly how they are feeling. This is the first time in my life that I have ever experienced anything like this, and I am an adult. I imagine this must be very scary and frustrating to our youth, especially all of those who are missing major life events because of it.

At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we CARE (connection, affirmation, resolution and empathy). It is not about having all the tools and techniques, though they are helpful. It is not about having all the answers, because no one does. It is about caring for them and how they are feeling. Showing them that we are there for them and allowing them space to feel and process. Our kids see how we are responding to all of this and they learn through modeled behavior. When you are taking care of yourself and them, they will see its okay to feel their feelings, but that their feelings to not need to dictate how they live.

A Letter From A Therapist...

This is a time like no other. We are all facing uncharted territory and trying to stay afloat amidst a chaotic sea of doubt, fear, worry, panic and isolation. We are told to refrain from connection (person-to-person contact), which is so life-giving to so many. We can no longer walk trails or beaches, which provides an outlet for nature lovers and reprieve from the constant day-to-day stressors. We are not allowed to gather with family, friends, our churches. Many have lost their jobs. Kids are not allowed to go to school. There are shortages everywhere. The medical community continues to cry out for us to stay home, and many of them feel as though they are sinking.

We have never seen this before. We have never known this particular struggle. Many of us were completely blindsided; not because others knew this was coming, but because most of us never thought something like this would. As I sit here and write this, I am still trying to reconcile all that is going on.

Virus— Pandemic— No Cure— Shortages— Isolation— Loss— Grief

As a therapist I can tell you that no two days are alike for me either. That’s what grief does to you. Some days you have reached acceptance, and others you face denial or bargaining; others still, you are angry or depressed. Some days I can go about, and it almost appears as though nothing is out of sorts, nothing from the outside world can penetrate the bubble of safety I have created in my home. Other days I grieve deeply. For the loss of human life, the loss of financial security, the loss of physical/emotional safety, the loss of consistent meals for so many, families being separated, the loss of large events like graduations and weddings, the loss of plans, the loss of aspirations and dreams, the loss of freedoms we so often took for granted. I grieve for these losses so deeply and my heart aches as I pray for a cure; I pray for total healing and restoration. As I navigate through this with my clients, I can’t help but feel that things are different right now. Many of my sessions, like most others I assume, are about what we are experiencing. There is a loss for words, and silence has become more normal in sessions. But even in that silence I hold hope.

You see, the only thing bigger than fear is faith. And I have faith that we will pull through this. Not unscathed. Not unchanged. Not without exponential loss. Not without grief.

But we will pull through.

I am not only holding hope for my clients anymore, I am also holding it for myself, my family, my friends, my faith community, other clinicians… I feel like I often hold hope for everyone and anyone that needs me to. But I want you to know something, I am hurting too. I see you. I see the deep grievances you face, and it hurts me. I see the uncertainty as we meet through video sessions, and it pains me. I see the fear in your words through our correspondences and I worry for you.

I worry that I was not trained for this. I was not trained to walk you through a pandemic. I was not trained to know what to say, what to do, what to give you in this moment. And if I said I was, I would be lying. This is new to me too. Every day I am learning. Every day I am relying on my intuition and my knowledge to help me piece things together. Every day I remember why you might be feeling this way, why emotions might be magnified. And I ache for you. My heart breaks that you are facing triggers you haven’t in a long time. My heart breaks that anxiety is heightened and depression is magnified. My heart breaks that you have to face yet another tragedy, that you are walking through more trauma.

Please know, my heart breaks for you.

But I want to turn this around now, I want you to see all the things that I am seeing too. I want you to know my heart in this, because if we can’t be vulnerable now, I don’t know when we ever will be.

·         While I was not trained for this, I am here for you.

·         We are experiencing this trauma together, so like I always tell you, everyone’s trauma threshold and response is different. You can lean on me.

·         I will always hold hope for you.

·         You will once again find hope for yourself.

·         This will not last forever.

·         We will get through this.

·         I know you feel stuck, and that your emotions are heightened right now, but you do have amazing new coping skills that you can utilize.

·         Feelings are not facts, and you know how to remind yourself of truths.

·         Your progress is not derailed.

·         Regression is a normal state of progress. Read that again.

 When we face uncertainties, we can often become disoriented; feeling as though we are not truly certain of anything but our fear. But fear is a liar. We are not held captive by fear unless we allow it to hold us captive. We can choose to see things differently. It is not always an easy choice to make, but you do have the power to do it.

I want to remind you (or equip you) of some coping skills you can use. I think its great for all of us to have these in our toolboxes.

Deep Breathing:

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably, close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, and exhale through your mouth for 7. Repeat 3xs.

Grounding:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

Mindfulness:

I want you to find a safe and comfortable space and either sit or lay down (it can either be in a quiet room or with your favorite music playing softly in the background). I want you to visualize a place of complete serenity. I want you to picture all the different colors you see, the landscape or place you are in, what does it look like? What can you touch? What can you hear? Is anyone with you or are you alone? What can you smell? What can you taste? I want you to visualize yourself in this space. I want you to feel yourself completely free of worries, fears and doubts. I want you to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are safe. You can stay in this place for however long you would like. When you are ready you can open your eyes.

Follow up activity: find a picture or create a picture that reminds you of this place and hang it somewhere you will see it often and be reminded that you can utilize mindfulness to reset and feel safe again.

Other effective coping skills:

·         Healthy sleep and eating

·         Journaling

·         Being creative

·         Connecting (phone/video/email/text) with people you love

·         Exercise (wear a mask outdoors or find fun stuff to do inside, dance parties are awesome!)

·         Read a good book/listen to music/watch your favorite movie/tv show

·         Practice self-care (a warm shower/bath, spa day at home, a cup of coffee with the fireplace on…this can be anything that is healthy for you and makes you feel good).

Above all what I hope this message conveyed to you, is that you are not alone. We are all in this together, and that there will always be people who care and want to hold hope for you. I would be lying if I said this was easy, and I wanted to share my heart today and let you know I am worried too. But what I also know is that worry is like a rocking chair, we go back and forth but we never get anywhere. Its okay to sit in the chair sometimes, because sometimes we just need to acknowledge our worries. But worrying can not add anything to your life, it just takes all the good things away. I needed you to know that I have been spending time in this chair too, and that it is normal. I do not want you to judge yourself right now (or ever really). I want you to acknowledge your feelings. To be present. To be mindful. I want you to practice your coping skills and self-care. I want you to reach out. But more than anything, I want you to be well. I want you to be safe. I want you to be thriving.

There is so much pain and heartache right now, but there is also so much hope and healing taking place. I see it all around me too. I see people connecting in ways they haven’t before, faith becoming stronger, communities pulling together while distanced. I see people doing the hard thing and staying home, staying away from those they love BECAUSE they love them. I see all the “essential” workers and that they continue to show up and be present for us all. While we might be distanced physically, I am not sure we have ever been closer emotionally.

To whomever needs to hear this right now, I want you to know you are loved, valued, treasured and cherished. Your life matters. You have a purpose greater than you know, and there are people who deeply care about you and your well-being.

Its okay to be tired. Its okay not to have a schedule. Its okay to eat ice cream for dinner (maybe not all the time 😉). Its okay to do nothing. Its okay to stay busy. Its okay to talk on the phone. Its okay to ignore a phone call. Right now, in this moment, I want you to give yourself permission to do a self-check-in and to write down everything you have been holding inside. Then drop your shoulders, breathe deeply and release the tension.

Remember this, it is always one day at a time, but sometimes we have to take it moment by moment too.

This is new. This is scary. But I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And we are in this together.

Lovingly,

Melani Samples

A Day in the Life of Anxiety: My Personal Experience, part 2.

I am fine.

Walking through the weeks as though they are days, I find myself battling to keep up. The time goes by without any remembrance of what has come or what has gone, and I pass through life as though it were a time-lapse video, the scenery changes but I remain the same.

Discouraged to the point that I feel as though nothing will ever change, this new me, the one I so despise, this is the real me; it has been all along. The smiles and the laughs continue, no one even notices or bothers to ask. I hide my pain so well, and then blame those around me for not taking the time to help me pick up the shattered remnants of what I once was.

You look at me and simply see a woman; one who appears so very well put together. You see the accomplishments and the triumphs…you see the friends that surround me and the ability to carry myself in a manner that would make others want to be like me based on the vibrancy I put out into the world.

Inside I am dying.

My heart is racing, my mind is pacing-it never slows down. My thoughts overwhelm me, and I wonder if I will drown In my sea of doubts, fears and distortions.

Insomnia ridden, sleep eludes me.

But I push on. I tell myself that I have made it this far, so I push harder. If no one has noticed yet, they never will. I continue through the winding road called life, knowing that there will be turns and bumps that will knock me down. But, I don’t focus on that. My motions appear robotic to me, but at least I keep moving. If I acknowledge this turmoil it becomes real, and real is not something I can handle.

I am the woman you see every day, never questioning my emotional state or mental process, you just assume that I am fine (after all, its what I have led you to believe). Those three words, they often lead to death. When I tell you, “I am fine,” I am anything but fine. I am to the point that death; physical, mental, emotional…they all seem more appealing than this hell that I am living.

People say, “Just pray harder…” “take a cold shower…” “its all in your mind.” Do you think, just for a moment, that if there would be a way to change the way I am feeling in this moment, that I would have done it already?

I am a prisoner of my own mind. The coherent me is held captive by these destructive thoughts that wash over me like a raging river with no intention of keeping me above the water. I am struggling to find a way out, but the shore is not in sight and the current is too strong. I have tried grasping the branches, I have tried swimming to the side, the only thing left to do is wait it out and pray for calmer waters ahead. Nothing could ever prepare you to deal with this, unless you have gone through it already. It feels like there is no way out when you are in the midst of it, so you just have to let it be.

I do not need you to save me, if you attempted to rescue me, you would just get pulled into chaos that you cannot understand. What I need is someone to be there, for someone to say, “this is just a nightmare and it will be over soon” Please do not tell me what to do, or what to try, or, “I know how hard this is for you.” Do you really? Have you gone through hell and back? Have you thought, every single day for as long as you can remember that TODAY is the day you will die? Not wanting to celebrate the good because something bad will inevitably happen. Paying attention to every hospital just in case…

Have you wished you were dead, and at the same time feared you were dying?

The next time you tell someone, “its all in your head,” remember this, one day it could be in yours too. Mental illness does not discriminate. It is not picky and it can choose you. The next time you say to someone, “you are not depressed, you are just sad. Stop focusing on the negative all the time,” or, “you just freak yourself out, you think too much. It isn’t that bad. Maybe you just need to stop being so stressed, that’s what is causing all of your anxiety.” I want you to go look in the mirror and I want you to say to yourself, “thank you Lord that I do not struggle with these silent killers. Thank you for my health; physical, mental and emotional. And please Lord, help me to keep my mouth shut when I do not know what I am talking about.”

When you struggle with mental illness, every SINGLE DAY can be a battle. Anxiety, Panic Disorder, OCD, Depression… did you know they often occur together? Imagine THAT, not just one, but all coming to get you at the same time. Engulfed by despair and hopelessness that nothing will ever change, panic ridden over intrusive thoughts that are not conducive to life, and filled with anxiety for fear of the future, you battle hard just to keep your head above the water.

You keep saying, “I am fine, I am fine, I am fine…” but really, you are slowly drowning in a sea of people that keep telling you useless things to “snap you out of it.” You are shouting in your head, “It won’t work… I have tried that before… it only makes it worse…” But they keep saying the same things over and over again. THIS is mental illness, this is something you cannot fully understand unless you have walked a day in these shoes.

So the next time I say, “I am fine,” please think about what that could really mean, not just for me, but for the response you may have toward me. The only stigma that exists is the one we allow to circulate, I am not in need of saving, just understanding. And even if you don’t understand, it is nice to have someone to sit with through the storm.

I am battling hard, I struggle every day. Please do not judge a book by its cover, a smile hides SO many things. But smiling is so much easier than admitting the truth.

If you have gone through this, talk to someone. There are others who have gone through it too. Reach out, do not let one more day pass where you are engulfed. For what its worth, you can keep treading water. You can keep your head up, even if barely above the surface, and while you don’t need to be saved, there are people who have life preservers to throw to you; lifelines that will allow you to get back in the boat and find new ways to cope. Your life matters, your story matters and there are people who will understand.

I know I do.

*special note:

Everyone experiences mental illness differently. When I was in the pit of despair I wrote this way often, writing helped get it out of my head and I found calm. I also talked to someone. I went to therapy and I processed what was going on. I learned about my triggers, and I learned about how certain things are connected. I learned tools and techniques to manage my anxiety. There are days that are still hard, things that happen and my natural response is panic. But in those moments I have learned that I AM in control. I have learned how to take my life back, and I believe that you can too.

A Day in the Life of Anxiety: my personal experience.

Anxiety tells us:

We need to be perfect.

((but perfect is an illusion))

Get EVERYTHING done NOW.

Worry about the future.

Worry about death.

Worry about worry.

Try NOT to FOCUS on WORRY!

Worry some more.

You are not good enough...

You will NEVER be good enough :(

Time to go to bed...

A million thoughts... (Dang I forgot I needed to do that, Tomorrow I need to do..., I know that person doesn't like me. How can I make a difference in the world?)

Its 2 am already, now Ill only get 3 hours of sleep.

GO TO SLEEP.

***Heart racing, sweating, sit up, TRY to breath, dizzy, nervous, scared, tell yourself “youre okay,” overwhelmed,”

CANT ESCAPE

(alarm clock goes off)

Time to get up

SO tired

Must stay awake

DON’T drink coffee!!!

FOCUS

why cant you focus?

gosh, you're such a loser!

Why cant you just STOP this?

*person says “You just need to stop worrying so much.”

If only they knew :(

Today I have to (go to work, go to school, take 3 tests, finish 10 papers, repair relationships, SAVE the WORLD)

There is NO WAY I can do all of that.

***stress, anger, emotions, RETREAT, -breathe-, refocus, GO!, thoughts racing, a million ideas, slow down, need rest...

Have some “down time”

feel guilty about down time

Fill down time with SOMETHING

Frustrated that there is NEVER down time

Still have to (shower, read, call.., study.................)

Time for bed

WIDE AWAKE

The IRONY

((repeat))

I didn't always have this struggle. This deafening sound of defeat everywhere I go. Mine began, or had its onset, after a near death car accident. Suddenly I’m catapulted into the reality that death is lurking, time is fleeting, and everything has to get done NOW! The anxiety became part of my daily life. First I modified habits, checked in more with people, became ‘extra’ cautious, vowed to LOVE EVERY MINUTE. It didn't seem bad at FIRST, in fact, this new me seemed to appreciate life more, to understand reality better. But then the panic hit me. Like a ton of bricks, right in the face, at the most awkward time, and I literally thought I was dying. Not everyone thinks they are dying, but being confronted with death can do that to you.

Anxiety LIES to you! It starts out innocent enough and before you know it, it steals your sleep, changes your appetite, decreases your functioning, destroys your thoughts, and KILLS your joy. It is your ENEMY in so many ways. Suddenly you find yourself tired, fatigued, emotional, nervous; you have less desire to do things and you BEGIN to realize there MIGHT be a problem. But then anxiety lies AGAIN. It tells you that nothing will ever change, you will never get better, you're not strong enough, not good enough, and you don’t deserve it. And IF anxiety brings its evil stepsister, depression, then lack of motivation and hopelessness sets in and you begin to BELIEVE the lies. You begin to feel helpless. Your thoughts often overtake you, focusing becomes difficult, and you may begin to experience physical symptoms. Headaches, dizziness, heart racing or skipping beats, chest pain; a sense of overwhelming floods you and in that moment fear overtakes you. Its like being in a tunnel and all you see is a dim light that looks far away, but the blanket of darkness is closing in and it would be so much easier to give into the darkness than fight for the light. FIGHT ANYWAY.

There’s a small glimpse of the you that existed BEFORE the anxiety. It tells you to fight for the light. You have SOME control of your thoughts and you remind yourself that life wasn't ALWAYS this way. BUT its SO hard. A million things are vying for your attention and with all the noise in your head its hard to listen to the voice of reason, that is but a distant faint whisper. Anxiety tells you to worry. It tells you to question everything, including your own life and happiness. Anxiety wants you to work for perfection but reminds you that you will NEVER attain it, and then makes you feel GUILTY for your inabilities. Anxiety wants to fill all of your time, any moment you have; to keep you exhausted so it can keep you captive. Anxiety rules over every part of your life IF we allow it to. It changes us from the depths of our core, until all that remains are the shattered remnants of a person that once was.

A day in the life of anxiety is like a constant whirlwind of emotions; tumultuous, exhausting, maddening; a darkness that encompasses your very being.

A day in the life of anxiety is the constant struggle of hearing a world shouting so loud for you to be NORMAL, and the disillusion that you are everything BUT “normal.”

A day in the life of anxiety is like an ENDLESS cycle, you want so desperately to manage it, yet all anxiety allows you to focus on is your lack of control.

A day in the life of anxiety is exhausting, emotionally draining, and physically demanding. There often appears to be no end in sight, and your distorted thoughts confirm this.

NEVER enough.

NO control.

HAS to be perfect...wont EVER be perfect.

A day in the life of anxiety is one day too many to be lost in the broken pieces of a future masterpiece. Like the beginning of a mosaic, anxiety presents as shards of glass with no vision for a future work of art. But, with clarity, prayer, and professional guidance, you can STILL be a beautiful masterpiece--- we simply have to learn how to arrange the glass, and no longer be wounded by the lies and deception.

A day in the life of anxiety is so common for so many people, and yet we all think we are alone, because once again, anxiety isolates. We can stand united. You are not alone, your struggle is real, and its not SIMPLY WORRY. Anxiety can help you understand yourself better if you let it. One step at a time in the right direction, and it becomes clear that anxiety is often a NATURAL response to trauma or fear. Our fight or flight response might be stuck in hyper-vigilant mode, but there is help. Do not be fooled into believing that you are weak, abnormal, or broken. We ALL have struggles.

A day in the life of anxiety is simply a day that needs to be changed. Change can happen as long as you are ready and willing to fight.

A day in the life of anxiety can be a day of your past that strengthened the future you... The choice is yours to make...

Darkness or Light

Fear or Victory

Broken or Whole

Surrender or FIGHT.

What COVID-19 has given us: opportunity amidst the chaos, and tangible ways to deal with negative emotions.

Here we are… trying to reconcile something most of us probably never considered as a “worst case scenario” possibility.

As I try to grasp what COVID-19 is doing, not only on an individual basis, but nationally and globally, the most difficult part for me has been to see the destruction it is causing through panic and fear. I ache for those who have the diagnosis, for those who have lost their lives due to this outbreak. My heart hurts for our entire world. Being an empath in these times can truly drain you of life in a way nothing else ever could.

I am watching as the world is turned upside down. As people hoard and take on individualistic mindsets. But you know what else I see, faith overcoming fear. I see communities pulling together and meeting the needs of those who are without. I see neighbors helping neighbors. I see people posting about something extra they may have, willing to share because its the right thing to do. I see opportunity too. I see the ability to focus on the things most of us (including myself) have taken for granted. The ease at which we have things available to us, how reliant we have become on instant gratification (need something, order it on amazon and it can be here in 2 hours), the ability to drop our children off at school and know they are cared for and receiving a good education (thank you could never be enough to our incredible teachers and staff), how used to our daily freedoms we are, how much we rely on our medical system… these are just to name a few.

Over the course of the last two weeks we have seen such a drastic change in our every day living. But maybe the silver lining in all of this chaos is the things we do get to focus on, the opportunities we have:

• Jesus said: Love your neighbor (Mark 12:31).

This has created the perfect opportunity to help those in need. To check on people, put ourselves aside and focus on helping in ways that we can. Loving them as Jesus would.

• Jesus said: to care for those who cannot care for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9, Proverbs 3: 27-28).

We have a unique opportunity to be advocates for the least of us at this time. To find ways to give back to our communities and come together, united, even through this separation.

• Jesus said: Rely on Him for everything. (Philippians 4:19, Matthew 6:26-34)

I know this is difficult to see tangibly with people out of work, schools closed, and everything being on hold, but I believe firmly that God wants us to rely fully on Him for ALL of our needs. And that He will place people in our lives that can help make up deficits if we trust in Him.

Seeing this all unfold has truly been surreal. But it has created opportunities to make the most of life. Once again showing us that everything here is temporal. It has allowed us to spend time with our kids, connect as families, make meals at home (we are making grilled cheese tonight, nothing fancy here), take an active part in their educations, reach out for help (because we all need it), focus on our communities and connect in creative ways, helping others, and turning our eyes to Jesus, our Savior and Redeemer. I believe that He doesn’t orchestrate the bad, but He uses everything for His good. While I have witnessed some bad through this, I have seen so much good. People reflecting His light and love, and that brings peace.

If you are struggling today, here are some ways you can help ease your anxiety/worry/fear.

1. Practice deep breathing: in for 5, hold for 6, out for 7. Repeat at least 3xs or up to 60 seconds.

2. Exercise: do yoga, go on a walk (maintain social distancing), have a dance party, do a relay race in your house… just be active.

3. Get creative: listen to some music and sing along (singing reduces stress and releases all those wonderful feel good hormones! no one is judging you ;) ), draw or paint, journal or write, read a good book, play an instrument, make something.

4. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding: In your room (if its familiar) close your eyes and list the following: 5 things you know you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.

5. Share kindness and love: doing something good for someone else reduces stress

6. Practice good sleep hygiene: maintain a normal schedule, create a relaxing bedtime ritual and make sure you are getting enough sleep.

7. Eat mindfully: even if it is grilled cheese and canned veggies, you can still make it fun and be fully present for the meal.

8. Feel your feelings: acknowledge how you are feeling, but don’t allow your feelings to control you. Feel them and release them like the waves of the ocean.

9. Connect: whether through facetime, text, email, social media, or whatever outlet you prefer, connect with people you love and share in how you are feeling. If you need to talk to a professional, a lot of therapists (including myself) are offering telehealth during this time for reduced rates.

10. Find the good: laugh, focus on the things that are good, and remind yourself that this too shall pass.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Even if we are socially isolated at this time, we are all in it together. People care, and they want to be there in whatever ways they can be. You don’t have to face it all alone. This is a scary time, and it is okay to be scared. It is normal to feel a variety of emotions at this time, but dont lose sight of all the good. Remind yourself of any recent progress you have made. Focus on plans you have for the future. Make a bucket list. Have phone conversations with friends. Play with your kids. Do some spring cleaning. Most of all, remember that you are deeply loved, valued and treasured. You matter, and your life is important. This too shall pass.