Five little words with so much meaning. Often, we utter these words with a breath of exasperation because we feel deep within our soul that we can’t possibly stand to make one more decision. Let alone deal with someone not agreeing. We can find that when we are in Fawn response, or people-pleasing mode, that we go to this more than we do in regulated responses. There are so many things that need to be unpacked when we evaluate why we may say this.
Those of us who grew up not having a voice, or not being heard when we tried to express ourselves may utilize this as a default. Of course, we cared at one point, but over time, we were conditioned that what we wanted didn’t matter, so out of self-perseveration we adopted the mentality that we don’t care; at least that is our projection and how we present ourselves to the world. We also learned that others matter more, or their wants are of greater importance, so we even begin to internalize the message that we don’t matter, so why would we care about deciding, if no one else is going to care anyway.
It can also come from a place of decision fatigue. When we grow up with a caretaker mentality, are parentified at a young age, or are highly involved in adult relationships (finances, relationship problems, etc.) we may be accustomed to carrying the decision making within our family system. We may have learned that we needed to make decisions for ourselves and family systems, so when it comes to asking a question about something more trivial, say, “what would you like to eat tonight,” we respond from a place of frustration or indifference because we have made so many necessary decisions throughout the day and are completely depleted, wishing that for once, someone else would simply make a decision, consider our needs, and step up to help out. This response is also from a dysregulated place, and we need to be aware that, while it is okay to ask someone else to help with making decisions, we cannot simply want others to know what we need.
Of course, there are times when we genuinely may not care, and are open to whatever someone else is wanting, whether that’s food choice or activity for the day, but often, this response does not feel good to say or to receive. We need to consider if there is a more effective way to convey this message, perhaps with further discussion, or better planning for the future. There are countless scenarios where couples have identified this phrase as a trigger in their relationship, and it is always important to assess the meaning behind the sentiment and what the other person might be hearing. We need to be mindful when we are in a dysregulated state, or we need to be open to someone safe in our lives helping us identify those times until we can be self-aware.
Language is so important, and one of my challenges to clients is always to say what they mean and mean what they say. The goal is to gain understanding of how they see themselves, those they love and the world around them, and what words they use in conjunction. Instead of saying, “I don’t care, you decide,” be clear, perhaps, “I am really struggling with trying to decide what I would like to eat tonight, and am open to most anything, the only thing that doesn’t sound particularly good is (fill in the blank).” Or even bringing light to the phrase, “I know my go-to is that I don’t care, but I do care, I would just prefer you choose something for us for Friday evening, maybe one of the places I have been saying I would like to try.” When we break down communication, we don’t want to break down. We want to be clear, concise, and effective. It is okay for us to take up space, to express our needs and desires, and to be heard. It is okay for us to have needs and desires. To be tired. To desire someone else to know us and meet us where we are. It is okay to want someone else to help with making decisions, but we need to be clear about our wants and needs. We also need to be mindful of how we would feel if someone said this to us. Most of our responses are what I like to call automated. Over time our body has learned to respond in certain ways, and when our brain perceives these responses, it will do anything to keep us safe, since safety is a primary function. That being said, this concept is applicable to everyone, including the person who is on the receiving end of this phrase, and one thing we know for certain, we will not have a regulated outcome with two dysregulated people.
I don’t care, you decide might not seem like a phrase we would take this much time to unpack, but the truth is, we each have a responsibility to ourselves and those we love to take care of ourselves and show up in healthy ways. If this phrase often leads to frustration, anger, resentment, or arguments there is a good chance both of you are dysregulated and triggered in this scenario. Once we recognize the response and emotions, we can be proactive instead of reactive, and we can find healthier ways to communicate and have both needs met.