Cognitive Distortions... you don't need them.

For many of us, we are entirely unaware of how prevalent cognitive distortions are in our lives. We have allowed them to run rampant in our every day thought processes and when someone points out how dysfunctional they are, we can even become a bit defensive.

Cognitive distortions serve no healthy purpose. In fact, they often lead to more irrational thinking, dysregulated mood, as well as intrapersonal and interpersonal problems. We find that those struggling with distortions regularly struggle to maintain a positive outlook or hope that things can get better. They often have more difficulties in their interpersonal relationships and allow their distortions to dictate the outcome of their relationships.

All this to say, cognitive distortions are relatively normal to have. Most of us have struggled, and often even after learning about distortions and how to work through them effectively, still do struggle with at least one. Below you will find a list of the 10 most common distortions. It would be beneficial for you to go through the list and notate any that you feel resonate with you, or that you are aware that you do regularly.

1.      Mental Filtering: When we choose (often unconsciously) to focus on everything that is not working. We filter out all the good and only see the bad.

• Reframe: Begin by listing 1 thing daily that is going right or is good. Eventually work up to 5-10 items daily.

2.      Jumping to Conclusions: When we make *irrational* assumptions about other people or situations based on our feelings rather than on facts or evidence.

• Reframe: Examine the evidence. Is your conclusion substantiated? Challenge the feeling. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts. Question what the conclusion does for you, does it help you or hurt you? And, are their healthier alternatives?

3.      Personalization: When we take undue blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives and others, and we find ourselves to constantly be a victim of circumstance.

• Reframe: Examine what part (if any) you did have in the outcome, accept whatever responsibility you have in the matter and work on letting others accept responsibility as well.

4.      All of Nothing Thinking: When we see everything in black or white, right, or wrong; there is no middle ground or space to compromise.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself by finding alternative (middle ground) solutions or compromises. Start small and work up to adjusting on a larger scale.

5.      Catastrophizing: When we blow things our of proportion or make situations/events worse than they actually are. Everything will always be bad.

• Reframe: Challenge your thinking. “Are things really as bad as I feel?” And then challenge your feelings; Why am I feeling this way, what evidence do I have that supports this feeling?

6.      Overgeneralization: When we have a habit of using past experiences (often based in feelings rather than evidence) to predict or make assumptions about the future. “She ALWAYS…He NEVER…”

• Reframe: Challenge the absolutes (always, never, must..) and is there evidence to support a different outcome? Could things be different if we didn’t use absolutes?

7.      Labeling: When we make global statements about ourselves or others based on situation specific behaviors. We use one event to label the rest. *this often mirrors our internal belief system.

• Reframe: Where is the evidence that this is true in every situation? Reminding ourselves that using one event to determine the outcome of everything requires further reflection.

8.      Shoulding and Musting: When we use “should and must” to have unreasonable expectations of ourselves or others. “You SHOULD…I MUST…”

• Reframe: When you notice yourself using these words, challenge yourself to see if the expectations are reasonable. How are you feeling? Is your feeling based on evidence? Are there any other healthy alternatives that can help you reach the desired outcome.

9.      Emotional Reasoning: When we allow our feelings to dictate how we see situations, people, and outcomes. The tendency to allow our feelings to control our perceptions.

• Reframe: Being mindful in the moment and questioning our feelings. “Is how I am feeling skewed or biased? What evidence do I have to support my feelings?”

10.  Magnification and Minimization: When we tend to minimize our own positive attributes and devalue ourselves, while magnifying someone else’s positive attributes and putting them on a pedestal. In other words, recognizing and magnifying some else’s good while putting yourself down.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself to find reasons that you are deserving and capable. Start out with listing one thing daily that you are good at, that you do well. Eventually build up and add to your list. “What about today/this situation makes me deserving and capable?”

So, what to do once you have identified which ones you struggle with? You work on reframing your thoughts. A mental health professional can work with you to identify which ones you struggle with (do not be surprised if multiple resonate with you) and help you to gain more effective and healthy coping skills. Cognitive distortions often come from a time when they served you. For example, at some point in your life someone you trusted told you what you SHOULD do, and you saw the unreasonable expectations they had on themselves (what they MUST do). This led you to utilizing the “shoulding and musting” in your own life without even recognizing where it came from. At one point it was normal. But that does not mean it was healthy. Which leads you to finding healthier alternatives for the distortions.

To some extent we may all do these from time to time. To say that we could entirely eradicate ever doing any of these would not be beneficial, but we can minimize the frequency and extent to which you utilize these to cope. Our thoughts are based on our perceptions and our perceptions are our reality. But if we can change our thoughts, we can change our reality. We can go from hopeless to having hope. From struggling interpersonally to maintaining healthy and thriving relationships. From intrapersonal discord to shaping who we want to be and loving the life we live. You are not destined to live with unhealthy thinking patterns or maladaptive (unhealthy) coping skills. The thing about our thoughts is, they are often founded through feelings, and feelings are not facts. When we take the time to examine our feelings and their validity, we find that we have unresolved hurts or ineffective coping skills that have served us but no longer do. We find that we can let go of those feelings and focus on the facts, we can change our thoughts, we can lean into the discomfort temporarily to create a life we will love, we can choose a different path than the one we are currently on, and we do not have to let our past dictate our future outcomes.

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

This season is about redefining… make it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

Write your story: Self-Esteem and Self-Love

I remember being a young girl and just wanting to “fit in.” I had moved to California from Germany when I was 7 and I left everything I knew and all my friends behind. I didn’t speak English and my family had to work, so it was basically just me. We lived in a mobile home with my grandparents at the time and I remember seeing the kids walk past our house and desperately wanting to connect. So, I did. I just started talking. I don’t know what they said to me, or to each other, I just remember their puzzled faces. They didn’t understand anything I was saying, which makes sense, since I was speaking German. One of the girls took an interest in me though and she started to come by, and we would communicate in any way we knew how. We grew very close and once I started school, I began to learn the language quickly and easily.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

Once you can understand what people are saying, their words have power. My bullying began with someone who was supposed to love me and protect me. This person would say awful things when I was younger, they would berate me, tell me I was ugly, tell me I was no good… they would say I would never have friends because no one likes ugly people. This person called me horrible, horrible names. The behavior continued all the way through high school, and I know for a long time I internalized it. But my lack of self-esteem didn’t manifest in typical ways, with self-hatred and self-punishment, instead, I became a people-pleaser.

Back then I didn’t know that my desire to be liked by everyone stemmed from the internalization of what this person said to me. I just genuinely cared about people and their feelings. Perhaps because I knew how deeply words could pierce your heart and I never wanted anyone to endure the heartache I did for so many years. I became the person that everyone could go to. I was the helper. The healer. The fixer of all things. I took on everyone else’s problems and it soothed my aching soul, though it added tremendous weight to my heart.

You see, self-esteem is complicated.

There is no “recipe” that you can follow to suddenly stop internalizing things or struggling with self-image or self-hate. There is no cookie-cut answer that I can give, or a solution that fixes everyone’s problems, because self-esteem is directly related to “self,” and each person is a complicated mix of nature and nurture (or lack thereof). I could suggest tools and techniques, I could give you all the ‘cliche’ answers, but the truth is, I know (personally) that most of the time what we truly need is to go on a journey of self-discovery. We need to understand what has hurt us, what has helped us and then we can move toward what will heal us. The hardest part is often sitting in the hurt. For many years I believed that if I ignored it, it wouldn’t bother me. The truth is it just manifested in other ways like anxiety and panic when I felt out of control or things weren’t perfect… it resulted in my deep desire to make everyone and everything around me ‘perfect,’ and to never show less of myself. I was going to create the image I wanted others to see regardless of the toll it was taking on me. It resulted in insomnia and depressive episodes, hurt and broken relationships, and eventually a week-long hellish bout with panic. It took me literally thinking I was going to die to realize that what needed to die was my flawed ways of thinking.

I am not sure what you see when you look in the mirror.

I am not sure what you believe based on what others have told you.

I am not sure what you have internalized.

I am not sure what you wish you were or were not.

I am not sure how long this process will take you.

I am not sure of exactly what you need.

What I am sure of is that you are perfectly imperfect just the way you are.

We all have the ability to grow. To see ourselves for what we can become to reach for our goals, dreams and aspirations. But if you are truthful with yourself, you would acknowledge that if it costs you your person-hood it probably isn’t very healthy.

Self esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.

What I do not see in that definition is anything about being perfect, having it all figured out, or a specific definition of what you need to be in order to have confidence in yourself and abilities. Its interesting that self-esteem and self-respect are directly correlated by this definition. Meaning to be devoid of self-esteem would be devoid of self-respect, you can’t have one without the other.

If you are struggling today, there are some things you can begin doing right now that can help you. But I think often when we jump to the solution without addressing the core problem, we simply bandage a festering wound. With that being said, some practical things you can incorporate into your day are:

·         Using positive affirmations- affirm what you believe you will be.

·         Identify your strengths and then utilize them.

·         Have compassion with yourself and grace.

·         Address and deal with any cognitive distortions

·         Eliminate harsh self-criticism

Self-esteem is something I am very passionate about. I truly believe that everyone deserves the chance to, not only believe in themselves, but love themselves. We live in a world that will constantly compare us and measure us by never-ending increases in expectations and standards. The bar is always moving and there is no arrival.

You get to determine your worth; No one gets to speak lies into your life unless you let them. You have the ability to seek truth, to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, to rid yourself of toxicity and to start fresh if you need to or want to. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, nor do you need to be someone else’s convoluted version of yourself for their benefit. To the wrong people you will never be right, but to the right people you will always be loved fully and wholly for who you are and who you want to become.

Today you have a choice, you can continue down this path. To feel these feelings, to believe the lies, to struggle… or you can take the first step to living the life you deserve and one you will love. There is nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for someone to walk alongside you for the journey, and whether you do it alone or with the help of someone else, you are brave, you are amazing, and you are perfectly imperfect. You can choose to write a story you will love. You can choose to write a story where you love yourself.

Declare *your* Truth

All too often we grow in a narrative that defeats us. We have others bombarding us with lies they have created to help ease their own insecurities, and if we are not careful, those lies become our truths.

“You are selfish… You are stupid… You are such a pain… You are ugly… You are annoying… You are too much to handle… You aren’t enough… You are worthless…” You (get the point).

When in reality, “you are selfish” was because you chose to maintain a boundary that is healthy for you. “You are stupid” is because you needed assistance on something that wasn’t clear to begin with. “You are such a pain” is because you didn’t do something that wasn’t yours to do in the first place. “You are ugly” is because someone else feels threatened by you. “You are annoying,” is because you chose not to give in. “You are too much to handle” is because you decided to be authentically you, and someone doesn’t like that they can’t manipulate you anymore. “You aren’t enough” is because you aren’t meeting their needs. “You are worthless” is because someone else is choosing to tear you down instead of owning up themselves.

We can go on listening to these lies, we can internalize them and make them into who we are… we can allow others’ voices to be louder than the truth, but that is still a decision you are making. You will always believe their lies until you learn to declare your own truth. The truth is, we all have faults. Period. Perfection doesn’t exist in this world, and though our hearts were created for it, we will not obtain it here. We will make mistakes, we will mess up, we will struggle with life sometimes… but those struggles don’t define us, the strength in the battle does. The ability to rise above, the ability to look fervently for the truth and rewrite our own narrative, and the ability to see clearly that someone elses thoughts and opinions have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us.

I believe in the saying, “hurt people hurt people…” but I also believe that healed people can love others genuinely and help them find their healing. We make the choice to accept these truths. We make the choice to listen to these voices. We make the choice to continue living in our own personal hell instead of turning toward the truth. We make the choices. You can choose at any time that you deserve more. That you deserve better. That you are worthy of being loved and loved on. You are. Yes. It is hard to believe or fathom, but you are worthy. You are dearly loved and deeply valued, and you have a purpose. While you have struggled with this mess for long enough, you can choose to allow it to become a message. The choice is yours every single day. Each day you choose to say “I will not stand for this anymore,” and each day you make a healthy choice for you, it will become easier, and the lies you have lived for so long will no longer have a fierce grip on you; they will not be able to defeat you as easily. Rewriting your narrative won’t be simple, it will take time, patience, perseverance and mistakes. Some days will be easier than others, but all days will be better than living the lies.

Even if you can say that sometimes you are the things others have said you are, defining yourself by them is not healthy or helpful. You can choose to find the truth you need to catapult you into change. You can take what is necessary and leave what is needless and create a story you will love to live.

Today you have a choice, you can continue in old patterns and allow these lies to fill your heart and mind, or, you can choose to rise above them and find hope and healing in the truth. You are more than enough and never too much. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are here because you have a purpose only you can fill. You are magnificent and beautiful, altogether lovely. You are irreplaceable. You are royalty and you deserve to have people in your life that will remind you of reality, not fill you with lies. The sad part is hurt is perpetuated because of their own lies, but you must make the decision to fill your heart and mind with truths. You don’t always need to walk away from people who have hurt you, especially if they are important to you, but learning to have healthy boundaries and set limits is crucial to your well-being. Toxicity threatens to overtake and its important to remember that toxic environments only allow us to grow when we remove ourselves far enough to see the strength, we needed to rise above them.

One day you will look back and remember feeling all of this. One day you will know how strong you were and how much stronger you became by declaring your own truth. One day you will have rewritten your narrative and you will no longer be filled with these lies that weigh so heavily on your heart. You are more than this situation, you are more than this trial, you are more than this season, you are more than these lies. You get to declare your own truth, and there will be beauty from the ashes of the life you left to create the life you want.

Giants

The story of David and Goliath is one most people are familiar with. Believer, or not, I think it is a story that resonates with most who have experienced trials, hardships, and have had to face the giants in their  own lives. We want to find hope in the story of the little shepherd boy; overlooked by his own father, discounted and devalued for his meager stature. We want to see that if someone who stood no chance at all, not only defeated but rose in victory against his giant, we have hope for doing the very same things. David faced his giant head on. He did not come well-equipped with multiple weapons, tools and techniques. He had one. One trusted tool that would serve him well. He knew that he was capable. He believed in his ability. Of course, from a faith perspective, he knew that the one who was going before Him would be the one to truly fight the battle. He knew that with God on his side, there was nothing he couldn’t do.

Perhaps you are a believer and this story is one you find comfort and solace in. Perhaps the one you go to in your darkest times is the Lord, and you know that He goes before you and walks beside you. For those of you who are not believers, there is still hope in this story for you. The story comes down to one person who had the biggest giant of his life to face. It is the tale of one man, with a tiny rock (one effective and healthy coping skill), that would save his life. It reminds us that we do not need to be the biggest, strongest, or even the healthiest to overcome our giants, we just need to believe we can and trust in the process. Sometimes we need to turn to someone who can help us figure out what a healthy tool is. Sometimes we need someone in our corner rooting for us, believing in us, and helping us believe in ourselves.

In the United states alone, 43.8 million adults experience mental illness in a given year, that is 1 out of every 5 adults. Nearly 1 in 25 (or 10 million) of those with mental illness live with a severe or serious diagnosis; out of those, one-half will see symptoms as early as age 14, and three-quarters will be diagnosed by the age of 24. Nearly 60% of adults do not receive treatment or help for their mental illness. Children and teens also struggle, with 1 in 5 being diagnosed with a serious mental illness, 20% of our youth struggle. 50% of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by the age of 14, and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in our youth aged 10-24. (https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/Infographics/Children-MH-Facts-NAMI.pdf ). Mental illness is a huge giant many of us face. In the midst of our struggles we often feel alone, misunderstood, rejected, and as though no one could ever understand. There is fear in reaching out and asking for help. Shame for struggling and feeling this way. So many of us have been told to “just snap out of it… to stop feeling this way… and to just try harder.” But mental illness is not something you can just push aside. It is a giant that, when left ignored, just gets bigger.

The good news, it is a giant you can learn to defeat.

While many people live with chronic mental illness, 80% of those who received help, or 8 out of 10 people, report feeling better with treatment (www.scottmiller.com). Treatment looks different for everyone. For some it is a few sessions with a qualified therapist, learning some new coping skills and healthy techniques to manage your life better. For others it is seeing a therapist and possibly evaluating if medication can help relieve symptoms. Some people utilize solution focused therapy, coming for 6-8 sessions and finding resolution and restoration. Others utilize therapy for longer periods of time and dive deeper into the origin of their symptoms. There is no right or wrong way. But having someone on your side who will help you in the deepest trenches can make all the difference in how you feel. Therapy is not for the weak, it is for the strong; those who want to rewrite their stories and live a life they will love. Vulnerability is not weakness either, it is strength, courage and bravery. To face your giant, you have to understand your own limitations, and then learn how to capitalize on your strengths. Whatever personal giant you are facing, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are not alone, and there will always be someone rooting for you in your corner.

*If you or someone you know is struggling, feel free to take a screening at

https://screening.mentalhealthamerica.net/screening-tools

It's all of us

Its you, its me, its all of us. When we talk about mental health, we aren’t talking about “the crazies” or the “abnormal(s),” still not entirely certain what the definition of those two categories are anyway; we are talking about every single person. Just like we are all either physically healthy or unhealthy, we are all either mentally healthy or unhealthy. There is so much to be said for those who seek help, who want to change their lives for the better, who talk about the hard stuff. That takes courage, it takes vulnerability, it takes strength. Struggling is not synonymous with weakness; we all struggle. Weakness is our inability to recognize the struggle as universal and change the way we interface with it.

We are all faced with difficulties at some point in our lives. It is not a matter of “if,” it is a matter of “when.” But we can no longer allow those situations to define us. We must fight for our mental health. We must take care of ourselves mentally in the same way we strive to care for ourselves physically.

The definition of Mental Health is as follows:

“According to the World Health Organization (WHO), mental health is “a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community”

(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov )

In other words, to be considered ‘mentally healthy’ one must not have impaired functioning in any area of their lives. Normal stressors include but are not limited to, work, home commitments and social engagements, money, even health… Normal is considered anything within your usual realm, outside of that we can conclude that you are out of the norm and therefore subjected to additional stressors which could require further help or assistance.

Whether you are dealing with a chronic mental health disorder, whether you recently experienced a stressful or traumatic situation and are dealing with residual effects, or whether you find yourself  just wanting to change your story you have a right to be heard, understood and validated. Your feelings matter. Reaching out and asking for help is never easy; going down the road of unpacking your story can be painful, but also incredibly beautiful. You can’t change what has already happened, and you can’t control the future, but you can change your perception. You have the ability to write a story you will love, to live a life you will love. You can choose today to begin your new journey and do something you have yet to do. Even a small step in the right direction is better than inaction. It is often said, “your speed doesn’t matter, forward is forward.” Reach out to someone, connect, take time to breathe, go on that trip you’ve always wanted to, spend time outside, read a good book, allow yourself time to rest, enjoy your favorite food, and always know that everyone deserves to have a good therapist to talk to. Your mental health is worth it, and you are worth investing in.