there is healing

I don't care, you decide

Five little words with so much meaning. Often, we utter these words with a breath of exasperation because we feel deep within our soul that we can’t possibly stand to make one more decision. Let alone deal with someone not agreeing. We can find that when we are in Fawn response, or people-pleasing mode, that we go to this more than we do in regulated responses. There are so many things that need to be unpacked when we evaluate why we may say this.

 

Those of us who grew up not having a voice, or not being heard when we tried to express ourselves may utilize this as a default. Of course, we cared at one point, but over time, we were conditioned that what we wanted didn’t matter, so out of self-perseveration we adopted the mentality that we don’t care; at least that is our projection and how we present ourselves to the world. We also learned that others matter more, or their wants are of greater importance, so we even begin to internalize the message that we don’t matter, so why would we care about deciding, if no one else is going to care anyway.

 

It can also come from a place of decision fatigue. When we grow up with a caretaker mentality, are parentified at a young age, or are highly involved in adult relationships (finances, relationship problems, etc.) we may be accustomed to carrying the decision making within our family system. We may have learned that we needed to make decisions for ourselves and family systems, so when it comes to asking a question about something more trivial, say, “what would  you like to eat tonight,” we respond from a place of frustration or indifference because we have made so many necessary decisions throughout the day and are completely depleted, wishing that for once, someone else would simply make a decision, consider our needs, and step up to help out. This response is also from a dysregulated place, and we need to be aware that, while it is okay to ask someone else to help with making decisions, we cannot simply want others to know what we need.

 

Of course, there are times when we genuinely may not care, and are open to whatever someone else is wanting, whether that’s food choice or activity for the day, but often, this response does not feel good to say or to receive. We need to consider if there is a more effective way to convey this message, perhaps with further discussion, or better planning for the future. There are countless scenarios where couples have identified this phrase as a trigger in their relationship, and it is always important to assess the meaning behind the sentiment and what the other person might be hearing. We need to be mindful when we are in a dysregulated state, or we need to be open to someone safe in our lives helping us identify those times until we can be self-aware.

 

Language is so important, and one of my challenges to clients is always to say what they mean and mean what they say. The goal is to gain understanding of how they see themselves, those they love and the world around them, and what words they use in conjunction. Instead of saying, “I don’t care, you decide,” be clear, perhaps, “I am really struggling with trying to decide what I would like to eat tonight, and am open to most anything, the only thing that doesn’t sound particularly good is (fill in the blank).” Or even bringing light to the phrase, “I know my go-to is that I don’t care, but I do care, I would just prefer you choose something for us for Friday evening, maybe one of the places I have been saying I would like to try.”  When we break down communication, we don’t want to break down. We want to be clear, concise, and effective. It is okay for us to take up space, to express our needs and desires, and to be heard. It is okay for us to have needs and desires. To be tired. To desire someone else to know us and meet us where we are. It is okay to want someone else to help with making decisions, but we need to be clear about our wants and needs. We also need to be mindful of how we would feel if someone said this to us. Most of our responses are what I like to call automated. Over time our body has learned to respond in certain ways, and when our brain perceives these responses, it will do anything to keep us safe, since safety is a primary function. That being said, this concept is applicable to everyone, including the person who is on the receiving end of this phrase, and one thing we know for certain, we will not have a regulated outcome with two dysregulated people.

 

I don’t care, you decide might not seem like a phrase we would take this much time to unpack, but the truth is, we each have a responsibility to ourselves and those we love to take care of ourselves and show up in healthy ways. If this phrase often leads to frustration, anger, resentment, or arguments there is a good chance both of you are dysregulated and triggered in this scenario. Once we recognize the response and emotions, we can be proactive instead of reactive, and we can find healthier ways to communicate and have both needs met.

What therapy is and who I am as a therapist:

Therapy is a place that you can come to be fully yourself. You can say what you need to say, feel whatever you need to feel, and trust that your therapist will hold a nonjudgmental and safe space for you to process. One of the things I like to go over with clients in our initial consultation call is who I am as a therapist, because let’s face it, we are all different, and what they can expect out of the therapy process with me. So, if you are here reading and are curious, let me do my best to explain myself and my process. 

 

As a therapist I promise to show up and be authentically meI promise to be transparent with you, to challenge you to grow, and to guide you in your journey. I promise to model a healthy, loving and encouraging relationship with and for you, and that I will always be in your corner cheering you on and believing in you. I promise to hold hope for you, even and especially when, the hurt threatens to overtake any hope you might have had. I promise to work my hardest to help you reach your goals and write a story you will love being a part of. I promise to not make any empty promises. 

 

As a therapist I act as a guide, and you are the expert. I come alongside you and help you navigate your life currently, how the past has influenced the present, and how you would like to mold yourself to create a future that you look forward to. I will utilize a wide range of techniques, tools, and modalities to help you reach your goals. And I will work my hardest,but I can’t and won’t work harder than you. This means you must be willing to do the hard work, make the changes you want to make, and try new things. We might not always get it right, but we will always try, and if you are committed to the process, I can promise the process works. When we discuss what a therapist and therapy is, we also need to discuss what a therapist and therapy is not. 

 

As your therapist I am not a miracle worker or magician. I say this with love. I can’t magically make everything better, and I can’t work out all your problems. What I can do though, is help you navigate life, give you healthy alternatives and encourage you to grow and change to be a healthier and thriving you. I do not have a magic wand and coming to therapy isn’t a miracle answer. Therapy is hard work. It’s a place where you lay it all down, you sort through the hard stuff, you cry, you get angry, you want to give up. You question why you chose to do this, and if you should continue. But therapy works. That I can also promise. Therapy is messy and beautiful, and all the good things life should be. It teaches you to see yourself through new eyes, and it helps you to focus on the things that are most important. Therapy is painful. We are talking about all the things you typically avoid, and each week I challenge you with a new concept to try outside of session. Stagnation has no place in therapy. Even when it seems like we are stuck, there is work being done. And if you get to a place with a therapist where you feel like there isn’t work being done, address it. As a therapist I don’t have all the answers, and I am not always right. I have a genuine and empathic heart. I have strong intuition and often lean on that when I go out on limbs trying to connect the dots. I have years of training, and on-going training that equips me to help you in this process. While I don’t like labels, and I never have, I am able to diagnose and utilize the diagnosis as a lens to formulate the best possible treatment plan for you. But I promise to do that with you. I promise to discuss goals and to do my best to understand what you ultimately want to achieve through therapy. 

 

As your therapist, I am unlike other people in your life. I am not your friend, though it may feel that way. Trust me when I say, there have been clients, and I believe there always will be, that I could see as friends in different circumstances. Its normal to feel this way. We meet regularly, you share openly and honestly with me, I listen and reflect on what you tell me, I challenge you to grow and do so with love and admiration for who you already are. I genuinely care for every single client. And it is not something I can turn off when session ends. As a therapist, I think about clients outside of therapy. I pray for them, sometimes I will even check on them if my heart tells me to reach out. I want the best for you, and I am honored that I get to be part of the process. It is my job to model healthy boundaries for you,but that doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate if you call or text just to tell me something exciting. I guarantee I will scream with you in joy and celebration. Or, if something horrible happens, I will be there to sit with you and allow you to cry or simply be. Sometimes, I will even cry with you, because I am human too, and when you hurt, I hurtAs your therapist, I promise to see you fully. For whom you are, and who you have the potential to become. And I promise that, as long as you will allow me, I will work with you to create the life you want. 

 

As your therapist I promise to create a safe, loving, nonjudgmental and life-changing space for you. I promise to hold hope. I promise to sort through the hurt. I promise to guide you in the process. I want you to know that this isn’t my job, it’s my passion and calling, and I believe that God led me to this to help and to be a beacon of hope and light in the darkness. I won’t always get it right, I will make mistakes, sometimes I will be sick or need to cancel, or be gone on trainings, or take time off to be with my family, but what I can promise you is that while you continue your process I will be here. As long as you and God allow me to be, I will walk alongside you and cheer you on every step of the way. 

 

I might not have all the answers, but I promise to always do my best to understand you, encourage you, and guide you with truth and love. Therapy might not be magical, but magic does happen when we allow someone else the chance to fully be seen.

A Therapists Year-End Review: A Letter from a therapist.

 

Looking back on this year I am still in shock that it is already coming to an end. I was joking with several clients that I feel like most of us are still processing 2020, and yet 2022 is right around the corner. It often seems that way though, at the close of a chapter with something new on the horizon, we tend to reflect on what we are leaving behind, and what we are heading toward. 

 

As I end this year, one word comes to mind. Grateful. I have had a full year of owning and operating my private practice. This is the first time in years that I haven’t held multiple jobs and I have trusted that God would provide. It hasn’t always been easy, and there have been a few times I was tempted to take a corporate position for the ease and stability, but I never had peace about it. So, I stayed with it, and I am beyond grateful that I did

 

This year I have walked with so many who chose bravely and courageously to share their stories with me and trust me with the most intimate parts of themselves. They share things that they have never even spoken out loud, let alone to someone else. We have walked through incredible hurt, pain, grief, disappointment, trauma, anxiety, depression, and more. There were times when I held back tears for them, and times I simply couldn’t, and we shared in our universal understanding of one another. But that is not all that I saw this year. I saw tremendous triumph! I saw clients gain insight and awareness, I saw them lean into my interventions and push themselves outside of session to achieve their goals. I saw them increase their positive coping skills and let go of their old, harmful, maladaptive ways. I saw overcomers and achievers, and best of all, I saw the light in their eyes and the spark in their hearts when they finally understood something and believed in their own self-worth! I don’t think of them just as clients, I think of them as people I care deeply about. I root for them, I pray for them, I will always be their biggest cheerleader and the one person who models what a healthy, authentic, and transparent relationship looks like.  I see amazing people, and I am so honoredand so privileged and so thankful for each and every single client I have the pleasure of working with. This year I got to work with so many incredible people, and I am looking forward to what the new year has in store for our therapy journey and for their lives. 

 

As therapists I don’t think we often get to express just how much our clients mean to us, but as I was reflecting on my year and how I won’t see them again until 2022, I was thinking of the best possible way for me to honor them and express my gratitude. I know there are a multitude of therapists out there, ones who, let’s be honest, are probably often more equipped, have more experience or simply have a different expertise than I do, and yet my clients chose me. That honor is not wasted on me. One of the things I always tell my clients when we first begin sessions is that therapy can be hard, and that often things will feel worse before they feel better, but I tell them that if they can just hang on for the better, I promise to work my absolute hardest to get them there. Because they matter. Because their lives matter. Because their wellness, joy, and story matters. Not just to me, but to the world. Without them, the world wouldn’t be the same. And I am so grateful that I get to be a small part of their journey. So, in case any of my wonderful clients are reading this. Thank you. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for allowing me to walk alongside you and to act as a guide in your journey. Thank you for trusting me and allowing me to hold hope for you. Thank you for investing in yourself. Thank you for taking that first courageous step and sticking with it. You are amazing. Truly. I am so glad that I am getting to know you and have walked this path with you, and I hope that one day when you are ready to walk it alone, you will never forget how fantastic you are. That when the day comes for us to say, “see you later,” you inherently know your worth, value, and have grace with yourself to continue to learn along the way. I hope that if my voice sticks with you, as some of you tell me it does, you hear me saying, “you are incredible, and I am so proud of you.” Because that is the truth. I am incredibly proud of you

 

This year has been a lot of things- it has been crazy, sad, hectic, busy, wonderful, amazing, inspiring, life-changing, and so much more. As I reflect back, I want to see all the good- that is what I want to remember going into the new year. We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it and allow it to guide us in creating a future we are excited about. We have learned a lot of lessons this year, and while some of them have been horrendous, I know that we have grown and will continue to grow through it. Because we are survivors. We are investing into ourselves so we can thrive and that is what defines us- not the fact that life has knocked us down, but the fact that we have valiantly chosen to rise! I believe in our ability to continue to rise and to truly thrive, and I am excited to see that manifest in the new year. 

 

Once again, thank you to all my amazing clients, you have made this year great and I am grateful for you.

 

At the end of each year, I like to do a personal year-end review. This helps me remain grateful for all the lessons learned, growth that has occurred, and reminds me of things I do not want to carry with me into the new year. First and foremost, if this is something you are interested in, its fairly simple. All you need is a journal, something to write with, and some time. Start by asking the following questions:

 

What are some wins, victories, and positive things that have happened this year?

What are some areas where I have seen substantial growth?

What are some areas that I am still actively working on?

What are some of the harder things I have walked through this year?

What are things I do not want to carry into the new year (this can be attitudes, behaviors, reactions/responses, negative coping skills, beliefs, even relationships)?

What/who am I grateful for?

What word would I like to see manifested in the new year (this can be anything like: growth, determination, intentionality, grace, hope, acceptance, etc)?

What is one step I can take this week that will help me work toward manifesting that word? 

How can I stay mindful of my goal word throughout the days, weeks, and months?

What are some good goals to set weekly/monthly/quarterly for myself?

Do I want to learn anything new this year?

Do I want to do anything new this year?

When I look back at the end of the year, what do I want to remember most?

 How can I take active steps to writing a story that I want to live and that I am excited about?

 

I always encourage everyone to take their time with this. Come back to it often; work a little and then let it be. This is not something you want to rush through, but rather something you want to be intentional about and really give thought and effort to. This is also a great thing to do in session if you are currently seeing a therapist. Either way, remember that there are no right answers, and at the end of the day, this is simply a guidepost to helping you start the year as a fresh book- writing the story you want, and not just accepting roles that have been handed to you, or that you’ve always played. You get to be the author this year, and you get to decide what your story is about. These questions are a great place to start that story. 

Surviving and Thriving the Holiday Hustle and Bustle

What if the hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer? What if you are struggling with feeling constantly on edge, guilty for not doing or being enough, and struggling to fit it all in? What does it look like to question the notion of the “do-all and be-all,” instead of questioning our own worth?

I don’t know about you, but, so often I lay in bed at night, and I recount the day. I think about all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed, all the things I should have done or could have done. I struggle to fall asleep because my mind always wants to remind me of my shortcomings. Anxiety does this to us, the difference is now I recognize those intrusive thoughts and the buzzing feel as an intrudernot as me. So how do I combat that? Sometimes easily- sometimes I can tell myself that I did my best and remind myself of all the victories that day. Sometimes I can look back and realize that my kids enjoyed the moments, or that I am projecting my own insecurities onto them, but they don’t actually feel that way. Sometimes I see all the effort made and recognize that is what matters. Other times I fall into the guilt and shame trap. Then I vow to do better and find myself being performance based until I can’t keep running at the pace, I have set for myself. Looking back, I always manage to see that it was my anxiety spurring me on, but there is no point in lying and telling you that I always recognize it in the moment. Even when you’ve done all the hard work, and even when you continue doing the hard work, there are still times where you will fall or struggle. The truth is its part of the human condition. We all go through things; the goal is to turn that going into growing. To stop beating ourselves up so much and instead to recognize all the good we have done and continue to do. I don’t mean that we should have an inflated sense of self, just an accurate depiction of who we truly are. 

 

You are so many things- wonderful, amazing, talented, smart, kind, loving, capable. You are uniquely you, and even when you fail, you will be the only you there ever is. Sometimes being ourselves will be enough for others, sometimes it won’t ever be enough- we need to learn to distinguish between healthy and toxic relationships, and how to stop allowing others or our own destructive thoughts to tear us down. It is okay for us to not do it all, or to not be it all- I think we all need to read that multiple times. In fact, it’s not healthy to think that you can do it all or be it all for anyone or everyone, and yet that is what we so often do. Especially this time of the year. When the expectations are even higher than normal and we want to fit in as much as we possibly can, and we are stressed to the max and barely managing to keep it all together, but “sure I can do that for you… yes, we would love to come…. How can I help?” It is okay for you to say no. Let me say that again, it is okay for you to say no. It is okay for you to say yes- yes to rest, yes to self-care, yes to something that brings you joy, yes to help. What if instead of trying to cram everything into every day we simply enjoyed the moments the day brings? What if we focus on the things that truly matter to us? 

 

I don’t know at what point we decided that we needed to live these hectic lives but just for today, I just want you to stop.

I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, feel the air go into your lungs and then exhale all that worry, stress, fear, and perceived failure. 

I want you to remind yourself that you are enough, you have done enough, and you can’t ever do more when you are busy beating yourself up. 

What if you let go of all those unrealistic expectations you have of yourself, or the ones that were placed onto you? What if you decided to take each day as a new opportunity to love yourself well, and to love others? What if you chose today to stop living in the shadow of expectations and not be weighed down by all the hustle and bustle? There is no perfect way to do life, but there are infinite right ways, and leaning into who you are and accepting that we all have limitations is part of living a fulfilled and healthy life. You don’t have to do it all or be it all- you never did, and once we embrace that, we can lean into doing what we can and being who we were always meant to be. 

 

The hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer, in fact it usually comes with headaches, heartaches and stress. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change it, and it only takes recognition and desire. Today, focus on what truly matters to you and let go of anything and everything else. Choose to stop, breathe, reflect and move forward confidently knowing that you are enough and being enough has never been measured by doing enough. 

Some practical self-care tools:

Practice deep breathing (in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, exhale from your mouth for 7)

Do something that brings you joy

Spend time in nature

Connect with people that bring you joy

Utilize your senses: light a candle, try a new food or a food you love, take a warm bath or shower, look at lights, cozy up with a warm soft blanket.

Parenting and Pandemics, Oh My.

It’s safe to say that the world we are living in now is very different from the world we knew, for many, even just a month ago. We have gone from over-crowded schedules to trying to figure out what to do with our time.

Our kids are no exception to this.

We have taught our children from early on to glorify busy. The more you do, the more that is on the calendar, the more you are involved in, the better life is. The truth is, many of us (myself included), often prayed for time. That time would slow down. That we would have more time with our children and family, that we would have more time to accomplish (fill in the blank).

Time is not our problem. What we find important is.

Our children are learning to navigate this in the same way you are, only they have a limited understanding of all that is taking place. If your home is anything like mine, we do not have cable, I do not watch the news (I check one news source daily online and limit my own exposure), and the only information the kids have is the information they overhear from us or that we share with them. But they are scared. They are worried. They are anxious. They are sad. They are dysregulated.

Their entire worlds have been flipped upside down and we are wondering why we see more behaviors, more acting out, more tantrums, more distancing or isolation… we question why they are responding this way, but are we taking the time to truly ask?

We are busy checking in with family, friends, neighbors… many of us even check in with community pages to see what needs we can help meet, but how many of us are checking in with our kids?

The reason I say time is not our problem is that we choose how to spend our time. Yes, schedules have changed. Our kids are not in school, many of us are home (more or all the time) and we are trying to fill our time. But what if we took that time and filled it with teaching our kids some healthy skills?

First: Connection. Do a daily check-in, ask the important questions. Teach them that they are allowed to have feelings and that their feelings matter. But also teach them that it isn’t okay to take your feelings out on others.

Implement a calm down area: put pillows, bean bags, blankets, sensory/fidget toys, play-doh, kinetic sand, stress balls, art supplies, books, journals, puzzles, pool noodles (to hit pillows/soft things when angry) and stuffed animals in the area. You can even put a “punching bag” or something it is okay to hit.

Your kids are ALLOWED to have emotions, and they will. They will have feelings. We all do. Feelings are normal. But you have a unique opportunity right now to teach them that feelings are not facts. That they can feel what they need to feel but they do not have to let those feelings control them. This is why the calm down area is great. You are teaching them self-regulation. It’s okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious (etc), it is not okay to hit your sibling, yell at someone, throw something, lock yourself in a room (etc). When they are feeling overwhelmed, they can go to the calm down area (have a timer in there to help them with keeping time), and when they are ready, they can return to their normal activities.

Second: Affirmation(s). When you ask your children questions about how they are feeling, affirm their feelings. Remind them that its normal to be feeling a lot of different things right now and that they are not alone. Explain that feelings are not facts and sometimes our feelings lie to us, they tell us things like “Nothing will ever get better,” but we know that is a distortion (thinking in absolutes (all or nothing thinking). Remind them that it can feel that way, but we know that eventually things will change, and things will get better.

Five questions to ask:

1.      How can I help you?

2.      What do you need?

3.      What would make you feel better?

4.      Are you hungry, tired or bored?

5.      Have you been creative, active, and helpful? And have you had any quiet time to rest your body and mind?

These questions require them to think, process and give answers that provide insight into their emotions. If they respond, “I don’t know…” you can always follow up with, “That sounds really frustrating, can I help you figure it out, or would you like some time to think about it?”

Third: Resolution(s). No one likes feeling dysregulated, especially children. They often become frustrated because they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling. Or they are afraid that it will upset you when they tell you how they are feeling.

Offer 5 minutes of unfiltered talk time. During this time, you cannot judge, criticize, comment or  offer feedback. They get to say whatever they need to say without consequence(s). At first this will feel odd, but it will open up healthy lines of communication and allow your children a safe space to be heard and understood. When the time is up you can follow up with, “Thank you for sharing all of that. Is there anything I can help you with that you would like to talk about more?” This way you are not only modeling active listening skills, but you are also providing them with the ability to ask for help when needed or to be autonomous and figure their own solutions.

 

Fourth: Empathy. Modeling empathy for our children looks like us leaning into the difficult conversations or utilizing our playtime to engage them to express their feelings.

Puppets, stuffed animals or dolls are great for role play, and when utilized often do not face the same barriers a face-to-face conversation would. When children are playing it is much easier for them to portray how they are feeling. If your children are too old for this type of play, you can always ask them to play their new favorite song for you or write a short story/poem or comic strip about a character who is going through pandemic life. It will give you great insight and allow you to connect with them on an entirely new level.

Once you are aware of how they are feeling, help them understand that these feelings are normal. You can share how you are feeling too, just make sure to convey that this is about them. “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I imagine this must be very scary for you. I am here if you want to talk more about it. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but there are times (insert role) mommy is scared too, so I know it is not fun to feel this way. I am always here if I can help in any way. Do you want to talk about some of the things that scare you?”

Remember, empathy is about connection and understanding someone’s feelings. It is not about feeling sorry for that person, or even knowing exactly how they feel. It is you trying to put yourself into their shoes. As adults, we don’t know exactly how they are feeling. This is the first time in my life that I have ever experienced anything like this, and I am an adult. I imagine this must be very scary and frustrating to our youth, especially all of those who are missing major life events because of it.

At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we CARE (connection, affirmation, resolution and empathy). It is not about having all the tools and techniques, though they are helpful. It is not about having all the answers, because no one does. It is about caring for them and how they are feeling. Showing them that we are there for them and allowing them space to feel and process. Our kids see how we are responding to all of this and they learn through modeled behavior. When you are taking care of yourself and them, they will see its okay to feel their feelings, but that their feelings to not need to dictate how they live.

A Letter From A Therapist...

This is a time like no other. We are all facing uncharted territory and trying to stay afloat amidst a chaotic sea of doubt, fear, worry, panic and isolation. We are told to refrain from connection (person-to-person contact), which is so life-giving to so many. We can no longer walk trails or beaches, which provides an outlet for nature lovers and reprieve from the constant day-to-day stressors. We are not allowed to gather with family, friends, our churches. Many have lost their jobs. Kids are not allowed to go to school. There are shortages everywhere. The medical community continues to cry out for us to stay home, and many of them feel as though they are sinking.

We have never seen this before. We have never known this particular struggle. Many of us were completely blindsided; not because others knew this was coming, but because most of us never thought something like this would. As I sit here and write this, I am still trying to reconcile all that is going on.

Virus— Pandemic— No Cure— Shortages— Isolation— Loss— Grief

As a therapist I can tell you that no two days are alike for me either. That’s what grief does to you. Some days you have reached acceptance, and others you face denial or bargaining; others still, you are angry or depressed. Some days I can go about, and it almost appears as though nothing is out of sorts, nothing from the outside world can penetrate the bubble of safety I have created in my home. Other days I grieve deeply. For the loss of human life, the loss of financial security, the loss of physical/emotional safety, the loss of consistent meals for so many, families being separated, the loss of large events like graduations and weddings, the loss of plans, the loss of aspirations and dreams, the loss of freedoms we so often took for granted. I grieve for these losses so deeply and my heart aches as I pray for a cure; I pray for total healing and restoration. As I navigate through this with my clients, I can’t help but feel that things are different right now. Many of my sessions, like most others I assume, are about what we are experiencing. There is a loss for words, and silence has become more normal in sessions. But even in that silence I hold hope.

You see, the only thing bigger than fear is faith. And I have faith that we will pull through this. Not unscathed. Not unchanged. Not without exponential loss. Not without grief.

But we will pull through.

I am not only holding hope for my clients anymore, I am also holding it for myself, my family, my friends, my faith community, other clinicians… I feel like I often hold hope for everyone and anyone that needs me to. But I want you to know something, I am hurting too. I see you. I see the deep grievances you face, and it hurts me. I see the uncertainty as we meet through video sessions, and it pains me. I see the fear in your words through our correspondences and I worry for you.

I worry that I was not trained for this. I was not trained to walk you through a pandemic. I was not trained to know what to say, what to do, what to give you in this moment. And if I said I was, I would be lying. This is new to me too. Every day I am learning. Every day I am relying on my intuition and my knowledge to help me piece things together. Every day I remember why you might be feeling this way, why emotions might be magnified. And I ache for you. My heart breaks that you are facing triggers you haven’t in a long time. My heart breaks that anxiety is heightened and depression is magnified. My heart breaks that you have to face yet another tragedy, that you are walking through more trauma.

Please know, my heart breaks for you.

But I want to turn this around now, I want you to see all the things that I am seeing too. I want you to know my heart in this, because if we can’t be vulnerable now, I don’t know when we ever will be.

·         While I was not trained for this, I am here for you.

·         We are experiencing this trauma together, so like I always tell you, everyone’s trauma threshold and response is different. You can lean on me.

·         I will always hold hope for you.

·         You will once again find hope for yourself.

·         This will not last forever.

·         We will get through this.

·         I know you feel stuck, and that your emotions are heightened right now, but you do have amazing new coping skills that you can utilize.

·         Feelings are not facts, and you know how to remind yourself of truths.

·         Your progress is not derailed.

·         Regression is a normal state of progress. Read that again.

 When we face uncertainties, we can often become disoriented; feeling as though we are not truly certain of anything but our fear. But fear is a liar. We are not held captive by fear unless we allow it to hold us captive. We can choose to see things differently. It is not always an easy choice to make, but you do have the power to do it.

I want to remind you (or equip you) of some coping skills you can use. I think its great for all of us to have these in our toolboxes.

Deep Breathing:

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably, close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, and exhale through your mouth for 7. Repeat 3xs.

Grounding:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

Mindfulness:

I want you to find a safe and comfortable space and either sit or lay down (it can either be in a quiet room or with your favorite music playing softly in the background). I want you to visualize a place of complete serenity. I want you to picture all the different colors you see, the landscape or place you are in, what does it look like? What can you touch? What can you hear? Is anyone with you or are you alone? What can you smell? What can you taste? I want you to visualize yourself in this space. I want you to feel yourself completely free of worries, fears and doubts. I want you to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are safe. You can stay in this place for however long you would like. When you are ready you can open your eyes.

Follow up activity: find a picture or create a picture that reminds you of this place and hang it somewhere you will see it often and be reminded that you can utilize mindfulness to reset and feel safe again.

Other effective coping skills:

·         Healthy sleep and eating

·         Journaling

·         Being creative

·         Connecting (phone/video/email/text) with people you love

·         Exercise (wear a mask outdoors or find fun stuff to do inside, dance parties are awesome!)

·         Read a good book/listen to music/watch your favorite movie/tv show

·         Practice self-care (a warm shower/bath, spa day at home, a cup of coffee with the fireplace on…this can be anything that is healthy for you and makes you feel good).

Above all what I hope this message conveyed to you, is that you are not alone. We are all in this together, and that there will always be people who care and want to hold hope for you. I would be lying if I said this was easy, and I wanted to share my heart today and let you know I am worried too. But what I also know is that worry is like a rocking chair, we go back and forth but we never get anywhere. Its okay to sit in the chair sometimes, because sometimes we just need to acknowledge our worries. But worrying can not add anything to your life, it just takes all the good things away. I needed you to know that I have been spending time in this chair too, and that it is normal. I do not want you to judge yourself right now (or ever really). I want you to acknowledge your feelings. To be present. To be mindful. I want you to practice your coping skills and self-care. I want you to reach out. But more than anything, I want you to be well. I want you to be safe. I want you to be thriving.

There is so much pain and heartache right now, but there is also so much hope and healing taking place. I see it all around me too. I see people connecting in ways they haven’t before, faith becoming stronger, communities pulling together while distanced. I see people doing the hard thing and staying home, staying away from those they love BECAUSE they love them. I see all the “essential” workers and that they continue to show up and be present for us all. While we might be distanced physically, I am not sure we have ever been closer emotionally.

To whomever needs to hear this right now, I want you to know you are loved, valued, treasured and cherished. Your life matters. You have a purpose greater than you know, and there are people who deeply care about you and your well-being.

Its okay to be tired. Its okay not to have a schedule. Its okay to eat ice cream for dinner (maybe not all the time 😉). Its okay to do nothing. Its okay to stay busy. Its okay to talk on the phone. Its okay to ignore a phone call. Right now, in this moment, I want you to give yourself permission to do a self-check-in and to write down everything you have been holding inside. Then drop your shoulders, breathe deeply and release the tension.

Remember this, it is always one day at a time, but sometimes we have to take it moment by moment too.

This is new. This is scary. But I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And we are in this together.

Lovingly,

Melani Samples

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

 

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

 

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

 

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

 

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

 

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

 

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

 

This season is about redefiningmake it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

Couples Counseling

“We don’t need counseling…” (defensiveness)

“You keep saying that, but I am so tired of our lives being this way, all we do is argue.” (distortions/lack of communication)

 “If you just listened to me, we wouldn’t need to argue.” (miscommunication)

“You don’t even care about my feelings, it’s like I don’t matter to you.” (distortions)

 “Are we done with this conversation yet, the game is on.” (defensiveness/dismissive)

(insert exasperated sighs and heavy hearts here.)

 

Most couples, whether married or in committed relationships seek counseling reactively. Meaning, instead of coming in proactively and gaining additional healthy skills, they come in when things are at their worst… They seek help when they feel utterly helpless.

 

Couples counseling is truly different from many forms of therapy because in couples counseling, we have two unique individuals with their own past, their own effective (or often ineffective) coping skills, and their own dreams/aspirations/goals that they would like to merge with their partner. Often, we have unspoken expectations, insert some cognitive distortions and add in miscommunication and we have a recipe for disaster. So, one partner typically brings up the idea of counseling and the other obliges. Sitting across from a complete stranger and airing all of your intimate details about your relationship can seem overwhelming for anyone, but especially for people with high levels of emotion already. A lot of people view couples counseling as the “end all, be all… the last straw… if this doesn’t work then the relationship is over.” This can (and often does) create even more tension in the room and between the partners.

 

Two things I always say to my couples, 1. It will probably (usually does) get worse before it gets better, and 2. As long as both of you are committed to making this work and you are willing to do the work, you will see progress. The next thing we would need to discuss is each person’s idea of progress, which to me simply means, the forward movement toward the desired outcome, goal or objective. I don’t create your goals, you do… That being said, we work together to achieve them.

 

Couples counseling has been proven to be highly effective, recent research from the American Psychological Association indicates that roughly 75% of couples report and see marked improvement in their relationships. The 25% that indicate no improvement are couples that disclosed they are in abusive relationships. *Couples counseling will not be effective while there is violence present, and the couple should be referred to individual therapy until the abusive behaviors are no longer present.

 

Some common themes or presenting problems we see:

Lack of trust

Infidelity

Growing apart

Money management issues

Parenting concerns

And different goals/values/morals

All of these have a common thread which is lack of or ineffective communication. Many people do not realize that communication is actually the core issue. We begin to mind read, projecting thoughts onto our partners which are often negative toward ourselves. We become defensive and guarded, and instead of assuming the best, we begin to assume the worst. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman have coined the 4 deadly horsemen of the Apocalypse as Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. They hypothesize that these are indicators that if caught early can be corrected, if caught too late will end a relationship.

 

One of the most important “pieces of advice” I give to all of my couples early on is, assume the best in and of each other. When we assume the best in our partners, and we believe that they have our best interest at heart, it becomes much easier to utilize the Gottman’s antidotes for the deadly horsemen. Our goal is to begin with a Gentle Startup, build a culture of appreciation, take responsibility for our own actions, and practice self-care or self-soothing. Also, important to remember is that it took time to get to where you are currently at, and it will take time to break bad habits and create healthier patterns. When we decide to give ourselves permission to lean in, to work on the hard stuff, and to be truly dedicated to the process of healing, we yield beautiful results. Your therapist won’t have all the answers, and they can’t suddenly fix all of the problems, but what they can do is walk alongside you during your journey. They can guide you, encourage you and remind you of truth. They can equip you with healthy tools and techniques, and they can direct you in effective ways to incorporate those things into your lives.

 

Couples counseling is not easy, but then again, few things worth doing hardly ever are. You will be asked to walk through the dirt, you will be pushed beyond your comfort zones and you will learn that growth never happens in comfort anyway. We can’t make predictions or promises about outcomes, but we can tell you that you don’t have to face it alone. You aren’t the only ones who are struggling, and you deserve to live lives that you will love. Statistically speaking, the odds are in your favor. You always have three choices, you can maintain the current atmosphere (however dysfunctional), you can work toward healthy changes, or you can abandon (or leave).

 

If you feel like you are in an unhealthy cycle it is okay to reach out and connect with a professional that can help you connect the dots and give you insight as well as tools to create healthier lives. It is our goals as therapists to hold space for you, help you sort through whatever “mess” you want to sort through, and provide a non-judgmental, accepting and loving atmosphere to help you build trust in yourself and your partner again. One day, one choice at a time.

Moments

I look back at my life and all I can do is to think of all the things I have done wrong; incomplete, let-downs, mistakes…regrets. I face my failures at every turn, and they seem to be chasing me with an ever-increasing fervency. I desire to escape the treacherous history, to leave behind the things that serve me no useful or healthy purpose, but it appears that I am forever in bondage to the pain of my past. I want so desperately to escape it, to find some hidden cave in which I can hide. Perhaps this is why I have been feeling this way for so long; my soul deeply downcast within me, overwhelming sadness and despair, a hopelessness that eludes to all-encompassing darkness. My anxiety grows within and I feel the sensation that I am falling; falling endlessly to my own ruin, death is before me and I see no hope for a future in which this pain does not exist. These moments have become my definition. Worthless, empty, broken, despised, rejected, forgotten, failure. How can anyone overcome these pits of despair? How can I see even the sliver of light people inquire of me to search for? When darkness engulfs you it is impossible to see clearly… I am searching, I am grasping, but my hope is fading as these moments threaten to overtake me. I wish not to be defined by them, but the weight they carry is a burdensome load.

 

We all have moments where life feels like it is more than we can bear to carry. We become trapped in our history, defined by the things that are meant to break us. We allow these thoughts to creep in, and then to plant themselves so deeply that we feel rooted and intertwined with them. We forget that light ever existed, because in the darkness you are filled with lies. Your mind is a powerful tool and it creates alternate realities rather easily. If you go to a place that is devoid of manufactured light and you stare at an object long enough, your brain can literally make you believe you are seeing things that aren’t truly there. Perhaps a tree suddenly becomes eerie in the dark; or you get the sense that you are threatened, someone must be lurking. The dark is only scary until your eyes readjust, you find light to focus on, and you realize the moment of darkness didn’t overtake you.

 

I know that our past often impedes on our future; it thrives when we believe the lies. We all make mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. We all fail sometimes, but you are NOT a failure. When we allow the moments to define our memories, we steal not only the present but also our hope for the future. We do not have to be held captive by moments. We can acknowledge that they happened, we can accept the lesson and move on, and we have the power to focus on the moments that matter.

 

Why is it that we are so very good at focusing on all the negative things in our lives? Why do we allow those things to define us so deeply? Yet we quickly forget all the good we have done, the life we desire to live, the hope we held to so tightly. I want to remind you today that you are more than those moments. You are more than the mistakes that you have made. You are more than the things you keep hidden in fear that exploring or acknowledging them means you accept them. Here is the truth, not a single person can live this life without messing up… none of us leave here unscathed. Some of us do learn to let go of the things that hold us back and keep us down; perhaps never fully, but enough to understand that moments don’t define us, we define our moments.

 

You have the power within yourself to not only define your moments, but to change your story. You might not be able to erase your past, but you have the ability to grow through all you’ve gone through. You can change the way you see yourself and the world around you. The moment you choose to focus on what is best for you, what is healthy for you, what you want your future to look like is the moment you have decided to let go and lean in. You lean into the things about you that you struggle with, it’s okay to accept those parts too, knowing that not a single person is without their own faults. You lean into all the good things about you, the things people admire and love, the truth that others have spoken into your life but you have always brushed off. You lean into your past and change “why did this happen” to “what can I learn.” You lean into your accomplishments just as much as you have leaned into your mistakes, and you decide what growth looks like for you.

 

However dark the past has been, those moments only define you if you give them the power to. Today, I want you remember that you are so much more than a single moment in your life.

Giants

The story of David and Goliath is one most people are familiar with. Believer, or not, I think it is a story that resonates with most who have experienced trials, hardships, and have had to face the giants in their  own lives. We want to find hope in the story of the little shepherd boy; overlooked by his own father, discounted and devalued for his meager stature. We want to see that if someone who stood no chance at all, not only defeated but rose in victory against his giant, we have hope for doing the very same things. David faced his giant head on. He did not come well-equipped with multiple weapons, tools and techniques. He had one. One trusted tool that would serve him well. He knew that he was capable. He believed in his ability. Of course, from a faith perspective, he knew that the one who was going before Him would be the one to truly fight the battle. He knew that with God on his side, there was nothing he couldn’t do.

 

Perhaps you are a believer and this story is one you find comfort and solace in. Perhaps the one you go to in your darkest times is the Lord, and you know that He goes before you and walks beside you. For those of you who are not believers, there is still hope in this story for you. The story comes down to one person who had the biggest giant of his life to face. It is the tale of one man, with a tiny rock (one effective and healthy coping skill), that would save his life. It reminds us that we do not need to be the biggest, strongest, or even the healthiest to overcome our giants, we just need to believe we can and trust in the process. Sometimes we need to turn to someone who can help us figure out what a healthy tool is. Sometimes we need someone in our corner rooting for us, believing in us, and helping us believe in ourselves.

 

In the United states alone, 43.8 million adults experience mental illness in a given year, that is 1 out of every 5 adults. Nearly 1 in 25 (or 10 million) of those with mental illness live with a severe or serious diagnosis; out of those, one-half will see symptoms as early as age 14, and three-quarters will be diagnosed by the age of 24. Nearly 60% of adults do not receive treatment or help for their mental illness. Children and teens also struggle, with 1 in 5 being diagnosed with a serious mental illness, 20% of our youth struggle. 50% of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by the age of 14, and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in our youth aged 10-24. (https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/Infographics/Children-MH-Facts-NAMI.pdf ). Mental illness is a huge giant many of us face. In the midst of our struggles we often feel alone, misunderstood, rejected, and as though no one could ever understand. There is fear in reaching out and asking for help. Shame for struggling and feeling this way. So many of us have been told to “just snap out of it… to stop feeling this way… and to just try harder.” But mental illness is not something you can just push aside. It is a giant that, when left ignored, just gets bigger.

The good news, it is a giant you can learn to defeat.

 

While many people live with chronic mental illness, 80% of those who received help, or 8 out of 10 people, report feeling better with treatment (www.scottmiller.com). Treatment looks different for everyone. For some it is a few sessions with a qualified therapist, learning some new coping skills and healthy techniques to manage your life better. For others it is seeing a therapist and possibly evaluating if medication can help relieve symptoms. Some people utilize solution focused therapy, coming for 6-8 sessions and finding resolution and restoration. Others utilize therapy for longer periods of time and dive deeper into the origin of their symptoms. There is no right or wrong way. But having someone on your side who will help you in the deepest trenches can make all the difference in how you feel. Therapy is not for the weak, it is for the strong; those who want to rewrite their stories and live a life they will love. Vulnerability is not weakness either, it is strength, courage and bravery. To face your giant, you have to understand your own limitations, and then learn how to capitalize on your strengths. Whatever personal giant you are facing, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are not alone, and there will always be someone rooting for you in your corner.

*If you or someone you know is struggling, feel free to take a screening at

https://screening.mentalhealthamerica.net/screening-tools