“We don’t need counseling…” (defensiveness)
“You keep saying that, but I am so tired of our lives being this way, all we do is argue.” (distortions/lack of communication)
“If you just listened to me, we wouldn’t need to argue.” (miscommunication)
“You don’t even care about my feelings, it’s like I don’t matter to you.” (distortions)
“Are we done with this conversation yet, the game is on.” (defensiveness/dismissive)
(insert exasperated sighs and heavy hearts here.)
Most couples, whether married or in committed relationships seek counseling reactively. Meaning, instead of coming in proactively and gaining additional healthy skills, they come in when things are at their worst… They seek help when they feel utterly helpless.
Couples counseling is truly different from many forms of therapy because in couples counseling, we have two unique individuals with their own past, their own effective (or often ineffective) coping skills, and their own dreams/aspirations/goals that they would like to merge with their partner. Often, we have unspoken expectations, insert some cognitive distortions and add in miscommunication and we have a recipe for disaster. So, one partner typically brings up the idea of counseling and the other obliges. Sitting across from a complete stranger and airing all of your intimate details about your relationship can seem overwhelming for anyone, but especially for people with high levels of emotion already. A lot of people view couples counseling as the “end all, be all… the last straw… if this doesn’t work then the relationship is over.” This can (and often does) create even more tension in the room and between the partners.
Two things I always say to my couples, 1. It will probably (usually does) get worse before it gets better, and 2. As long as both of you are committed to making this work and you are willing to do the work, you will see progress. The next thing we would need to discuss is each person’s idea of progress, which to me simply means, the forward movement toward the desired outcome, goal or objective. I don’t create your goals, you do… That being said, we work together to achieve them.
Couples counseling has been proven to be highly effective, recent research from the American Psychological Association indicates that roughly 75% of couples report and see marked improvement in their relationships. The 25% that indicate no improvement are couples that disclosed they are in abusive relationships. *Couples counseling will not be effective while there is violence present, and the couple should be referred to individual therapy until the abusive behaviors are no longer present.
Some common themes or presenting problems we see:
Lack of trust
Infidelity
Growing apart
Money management issues
Parenting concerns
And different goals/values/morals
All of these have a common thread which is lack of or ineffective communication. Many people do not realize that communication is actually the core issue. We begin to mind read, projecting thoughts onto our partners which are often negative toward ourselves. We become defensive and guarded, and instead of assuming the best, we begin to assume the worst. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman have coined the 4 deadly horsemen of the Apocalypse as Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. They hypothesize that these are indicators that if caught early can be corrected, if caught too late will end a relationship.
One of the most important “pieces of advice” I give to all of my couples early on is, assume the best in and of each other. When we assume the best in our partners, and we believe that they have our best interest at heart, it becomes much easier to utilize the Gottman’s antidotes for the deadly horsemen. Our goal is to begin with a Gentle Startup, build a culture of appreciation, take responsibility for our own actions, and practice self-care or self-soothing. Also, important to remember is that it took time to get to where you are currently at, and it will take time to break bad habits and create healthier patterns. When we decide to give ourselves permission to lean in, to work on the hard stuff, and to be truly dedicated to the process of healing, we yield beautiful results. Your therapist won’t have all the answers, and they can’t suddenly fix all of the problems, but what they can do is walk alongside you during your journey. They can guide you, encourage you and remind you of truth. They can equip you with healthy tools and techniques, and they can direct you in effective ways to incorporate those things into your lives.
Couples counseling is not easy, but then again, few things worth doing hardly ever are. You will be asked to walk through the dirt, you will be pushed beyond your comfort zones and you will learn that growth never happens in comfort anyway. We can’t make predictions or promises about outcomes, but we can tell you that you don’t have to face it alone. You aren’t the only ones who are struggling, and you deserve to live lives that you will love. Statistically speaking, the odds are in your favor. You always have three choices, you can maintain the current atmosphere (however dysfunctional), you can work toward healthy changes, or you can abandon (or leave).
If you feel like you are in an unhealthy cycle it is okay to reach out and connect with a professional that can help you connect the dots and give you insight as well as tools to create healthier lives. It is our goals as therapists to hold space for you, help you sort through whatever “mess” you want to sort through, and provide a non-judgmental, accepting and loving atmosphere to help you build trust in yourself and your partner again. One day, one choice at a time.