I remember being a young girl and just wanting to “fit in.” I had moved to California from Germany when I was 7 and I left everything I knew and all my friends behind. I didn’t speak English and my family had to work, so it was basically just me. We lived in a mobile home with my grandparents at the time and I remember seeing the kids walk past our house and desperately wanting to connect. So, I did. I just started talking. I don’t know what they said to me, or to each other, I just remember their puzzled faces. They didn’t understand anything I was saying, which makes sense, since I was speaking German. One of the girls took an interest in me though and she started to come by, and we would communicate in any way we knew how. We grew very close and once I started school, I began to learn the language quickly and easily.
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.
Once you can understand what people are saying, their words have power. My bullying began with someone who was supposed to love me and protect me. This person would say awful things when I was younger, they would berate me, tell me I was ugly, tell me I was no good… they would say I would never have friends because no one likes ugly people. This person called me horrible, horrible names. The behavior continued all the way through high school, and I know for a long time I internalized it. But my lack of self-esteem didn’t manifest in typical ways, with self-hatred and self-punishment, instead, I became a people-pleaser.
Back then I didn’t know that my desire to be liked by everyone stemmed from the internalization of what this person said to me. I just genuinely cared about people and their feelings. Perhaps because I knew how deeply words could pierce your heart and I never wanted anyone to endure the heartache I did for so many years. I became the person that everyone could go to. I was the helper. The healer. The fixer of all things. I took on everyone else’s problems and it soothed my aching soul, though it added tremendous weight to my heart.
You see, self-esteem is complicated.
There is no “recipe” that you can follow to suddenly stop internalizing things or struggling with self-image or self-hate. There is no cookie-cut answer that I can give, or a solution that fixes everyone’s problems, because self-esteem is directly related to “self,” and each person is a complicated mix of nature and nurture (or lack thereof). I could suggest tools and techniques, I could give you all the ‘cliche’ answers, but the truth is, I know (personally) that most of the time what we truly need is to go on a journey of self-discovery. We need to understand what has hurt us, what has helped us and then we can move toward what will heal us. The hardest part is often sitting in the hurt. For many years I believed that if I ignored it, it wouldn’t bother me. The truth is it just manifested in other ways like anxiety and panic when I felt out of control or things weren’t perfect… it resulted in my deep desire to make everyone and everything around me ‘perfect,’ and to never show less of myself. I was going to create the image I wanted others to see regardless of the toll it was taking on me. It resulted in insomnia and depressive episodes, hurt and broken relationships, and eventually a week-long hellish bout with panic. It took me literally thinking I was going to die to realize that what needed to die was my flawed ways of thinking.
I am not sure what you see when you look in the mirror.
I am not sure what you believe based on what others have told you.
I am not sure what you have internalized.
I am not sure what you wish you were or were not.
I am not sure how long this process will take you.
I am not sure of exactly what you need.
What I am sure of is that you are perfectly imperfect just the way you are.
We all have the ability to grow. To see ourselves for what we can become to reach for our goals, dreams and aspirations. But if you are truthful with yourself, you would acknowledge that if it costs you your person-hood it probably isn’t very healthy.
Self esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.
What I do not see in that definition is anything about being perfect, having it all figured out, or a specific definition of what you need to be in order to have confidence in yourself and abilities. Its interesting that self-esteem and self-respect are directly correlated by this definition. Meaning to be devoid of self-esteem would be devoid of self-respect, you can’t have one without the other.
If you are struggling today, there are some things you can begin doing right now that can help you. But I think often when we jump to the solution without addressing the core problem, we simply bandage a festering wound. With that being said, some practical things you can incorporate into your day are:
· Using positive affirmations- affirm what you believe you will be.
· Identify your strengths and then utilize them.
· Have compassion with yourself and grace.
· Address and deal with any cognitive distortions
· Eliminate harsh self-criticism
Self-esteem is something I am very passionate about. I truly believe that everyone deserves the chance to, not only believe in themselves, but love themselves. We live in a world that will constantly compare us and measure us by never-ending increases in expectations and standards. The bar is always moving and there is no arrival.
You get to determine your worth; No one gets to speak lies into your life unless you let them. You have the ability to seek truth, to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, to rid yourself of toxicity and to start fresh if you need to or want to. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, nor do you need to be someone else’s convoluted version of yourself for their benefit. To the wrong people you will never be right, but to the right people you will always be loved fully and wholly for who you are and who you want to become.
Today you have a choice, you can continue down this path. To feel these feelings, to believe the lies, to struggle… or you can take the first step to living the life you deserve and one you will love. There is nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for someone to walk alongside you for the journey, and whether you do it alone or with the help of someone else, you are brave, you are amazing, and you are perfectly imperfect. You can choose to write a story you will love. You can choose to write a story where you love yourself.