Never too much, Always enough

As I sit here listening to the melodious rain, looking through my window and watching the rhythmic drops, I can’t help but think about the idea of always enough and never too much, and how in our times of dysregulation we can feel flooded.  Much like the rain, that California desperately needs for our infinite drought (suggesting that we don’t have enough), our structural systems say otherwise with statewide flooding (suggesting that we are getting too much). The torrential downpour has overwhelmed our cities over the last few weeks and caused a lot of issues, because we are being flooded. Our nervous systems work in a similar fashion. When we are in stressful, emotional and/or traumatic situations, or we have prolonged repeated exposure to negative or distressing stimulus, we can become flooded. Suddenly we begin to question ourselves. Are we enough? Are we good enough, strong enough, worthy enough? Can we be enough, do enough, accomplish enough? We might even feel like we are too much for certain people. Perhaps our internal dialogue is asking, am I too much? Am I too needy, do I require too much, am I asking too much? While we are each responsible for our self-regulation, we do need to look at some important factors when we notice that we are asking ourselves these questions:

1.   Are we exposing ourselves to toxic people and relationships? If so, are we doing this because we feel we must? You might feel like you can save the person (love them enough, be enough, do enough). You might feel like you can’t leave because you worry about them and their well-being and feel like you must stay in the relationship.

2.   Are we in a dysfunctional cycle? Is our body seeking a dysfunctional homeostasis because it’s our “normal?”

3.   Are we dependent on the feelings we get from the highs and lows? Is our body dependent on stress responses?

4.   Are we in distorted thinking patterns, like, all or nothing. Either I have this relationship (all) or I will be alone (nothing). We rationalize the all by saying it isn’t always bad, and we romanticize the good, even when the good is bare minimum.

5.   We grew up with these narratives. If we function best in an earning mentality, and we are constantly striving to please people, we might have learned that if we do enough, we are enough. But if we aren’t needed, then we are discarded, which validates our fear of not being enough or being too much maintenance in a relationship.

There are of course more things to consider and explore as we wrestle with this distortion. That being said, it is so important to remind yourself that in a healthy, loving, reciprocal relationship you will never be too much for someone. They will hold space for you, encourage you to seek and be your best self, and remind you of your worth. They will pursue the relationship as well and choose you. They will expect you to be accountable for your actions and behavior, just as they hold themselves accountable for theirs. Likewise, you will always be enough. You will not need to earn, do, or be anything but your authentic self. They will have a desire to connect in ways that are meaningful to you, because they see you do the same. They will remind you of your inherent worth and value and encourage you to see yourself for the amazing person you truly are. This is not to say that we ever have an “arrival point.” In a healthy, growth-oriented relationship, both people are self-aware, have good boundaries, and a desire to grow as individuals and with one another. If someone is behaving in a way that is not congruent to who they are, the other person will make an effort to have a loving and gentle conversation and encourage further insight and awareness. When we do this with good intent, it keeps the emotional dysregulation and flooding to a minimum and allows for healthy, problem-solving conversations and effective communication.

Many of us grew up with this fear. That we are too much work for someone, or not worth enough. We carry this deep within our hearts and struggle to let go, because it is also how we (often) see ourselves. When the checklist is complete, it feels good for a short while, and then, inevitably, there is always another checklist to feel whole. We do not have to live this way though. We can get to a place where we recognize our worth is inherent and our value is not determined on what we can do or do not do. In fact, our existence proves that we were chosen. We have a purpose, and there is a plan for our lives. Song of Songs 4:7 says, “You are altogether beautiful my darling, there is no flaw in you.” And Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us, “these are the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper, and not harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” In Psalm 139 God reminds us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, woven together with intention. One of the greatest lies of all time is the “enough” lie. The serpent whispered it to Eve in the beginning, and we still struggle with it now. “If God loved you enough, He wouldn’t withhold a good thing from you. He just doesn’t want you to be like Him.” And so he whispers in our ears, “it’s because you aren’t enough.” Or “it’s because you are too much.” But it was a lie then, and it’s a lie now, and once we recognize it, it has no power over us unless we give it power, we can step into our value and remind ourselves of truth. Whether you are a believer or not, if you have breath in your lungs, there is purpose for your life, and that isn’t to struggle with lies like these. It isn’t to live in a perpetually flooded or dysregulated state. On the contrary, God (that is my belief, but perhaps you believe in energy or the universe, or karma…) wants you to live life and live it in abundance. He wants you to know that you are worthy, amazing, and deeply loved for who you are and who you have yet to become.

When you sense this thought creeping in your mind, close your eyes and imagine yourself in the pouring rain. Washing you clean. Feel the water permeating your soul and open your eyes to watch the negative thoughts flow away from you with the water. You do not have to believe this distortion; it was never yours to begin with. Your thoughts become your beliefs, and it is important to be mindful of what you tell yourself regularly because you are paying attention. Remind yourself of your truth, your reasons, your beliefs. Remind yourself that regardless of what others may have said, or what you may have wrestled with in the past, you don’t have to bring it into the present.  Remind yourself, you are never too much and always enough.  

Reacting vs. Responding: The Difference Between a Reactive or Proactive approach

All too often in therapy, people come in because they have exhausted all other efforts and feel that therapy is their last hope. They have expended all their energy, tried every way they can think of, and they continue in the same patterns of behavior or cycles. This level of exhaustion is incredibly harmful for the client, and of course, difficult for the clinician to navigate. In this scenario, we are dealing with a reactive approach and must be very wise in how we proceed because mindset matters, and what we think becomes our reality. When we begin to believe the negative voices in our heads, or maybe even the toxic voices of others in relationships that are harmful, we are filled with lies, doubt, fear, anxiety, depression, angst, frustration and more.  We question our own reality and often begin to wonder what we did to “deserve this,” or why this continues happening.

On the contrary, some clients come in because they want to work on effective communication. They feel like life is going well, their relationships are generally good, and they want to utilize therapy as a check point and gain additional tools to maximize how they live their lives. Often these clients have already done previous work, and they understand how detrimental it can be when they don’t take a proactive approach.

As a therapist, I can tell you, the former is much more typical than the latter. And completely normal. Most of us grew up with an emotional deficit of some sort. Very few people were taught the emotional tools to step back, assess and then respond. In fact, what we see often in couples, or marriage counseling is listening to respond(which is a reaction), rather than listening to understand(which is a response). This differentiation is so important, because when we listen to respond, we aren’t actually hearing or understanding and therefore we continue the “cycle of crazy,” many feel stuck in.

Let’s talk a little more about Reactive responses. Reactive responses come from a place of dysregulation. Generally, when we react to something we are in our emotional or survival brain, and in that space, the primary function is safety at any cost. So, when someone says something like, “I would really just appreciate more grace from you, I am tired.” We might react by saying something like, “I’m tired too! I can’t believe that you always make me feel like I don’t matter.” The listener in this scenario is reacting by trying to validate their initial response to something. This reaction says, “It doesn’t matter what I said/how I treated you, or that you are tired, that’s not an excuse.” What is really happening is the listener feels unsafe, so to create distance (which is generally not the thing anyone wants in relationships) they resort to competition style language to validate themselves.  In this situation, there is no healthy resolution (at this time). Regardless of the conversation beforehand, the reactionary response will generally illicit a reaction from the other person, and therefore we continue in the “crazy cycle.” Reactions generally take longer to work through, are harder to navigate because there is high level of emotions involved and is often a recreation of family of origin patterns.

Proactive responses, on the other hand, look a little different. Take the above scenario for example. In a proactive situation, the listener might respond with something like, “I appreciate you sharing that you are tired, and I would love to discuss your definition of grace and how I might be able to extend that to you. That being said, we have discussed this particular situation several times, and when it continues happening, I feel like my wants and needs do not matter. It makes me feel dismissed and that is hurtful to me. How can we also address this?”  The listener validated the speakers concerns, came up with a plan to define what grace means so they both have a clear understanding, and shared how they feel using “I” statements. They also addressed the issue of a pattern in a loving way. And approached the problem with a team mentality. Another way to be proactive is to pay attention to our own emotional responses and the responses of others. If the listener felt overwhelmed or felt as though the speaker is not in a receptive place, they might say something like, “I appreciate your sharing that with me, why don’t we take some time to (rest, relax, eat (fill in the blank)) and circle back around to this when we are both feeling better.”

It is important to remember that no one is a perfect communicator, we will all have times when we feel triggered and simply react (emotionally) rather than respond (thoughtfully). Communication is something we all must work on, and it requires effort. If one person is always the one to be proactive with no change from the other person, then we need to assess the healthiness of that relationship and sustainability. In your own life, if you feel flooded with emotions, overwhelmed or dysregulated, it might be a sign that you are operating in reactive mode and survival brain. Take some time to look for patterns in your language, thoughts, relationships, and life situations and talk to someone you trust about it. Sometimes it’s hard to gain insight when we are in the midst of it, so having an outsider perspective can help get us back on track.

Simply put, reactions (high level of emotions) generally lead to bigger reactions. Proactive choices (thoughtful/logical) generally provide insight and awareness and usher healthy change. We will also react instead of responding sometimes, and again, that’s normal. But if we all take accountability for our own responses and what we will allow in our lives, we can move toward a more proactive life and truly enjoy writing a story we will love. Nothing will ever be perfect, but it can be perfectly imperfect.

I don't care, you decide

Five little words with so much meaning. Often, we utter these words with a breath of exasperation because we feel deep within our soul that we can’t possibly stand to make one more decision. Let alone deal with someone not agreeing. We can find that when we are in Fawn response, or people-pleasing mode, that we go to this more than we do in regulated responses. There are so many things that need to be unpacked when we evaluate why we may say this.

Those of us who grew up not having a voice, or not being heard when we tried to express ourselves may utilize this as a default. Of course, we cared at one point, but over time, we were conditioned that what we wanted didn’t matter, so out of self-perseveration we adopted the mentality that we don’t care; at least that is our projection and how we present ourselves to the world. We also learned that others matter more, or their wants are of greater importance, so we even begin to internalize the message that we don’t matter, so why would we care about deciding, if no one else is going to care anyway.

It can also come from a place of decision fatigue. When we grow up with a caretaker mentality, are parentified at a young age, or are highly involved in adult relationships (finances, relationship problems, etc.) we may be accustomed to carrying the decision making within our family system. We may have learned that we needed to make decisions for ourselves and family systems, so when it comes to asking a question about something more trivial, say, “what would  you like to eat tonight,” we respond from a place of frustration or indifference because we have made so many necessary decisions throughout the day and are completely depleted, wishing that for once, someone else would simply make a decision, consider our needs, and step up to help out. This response is also from a dysregulated place, and we need to be aware that, while it is okay to ask someone else to help with making decisions, we cannot simply want others to know what we need.

Of course, there are times when we genuinely may not care, and are open to whatever someone else is wanting, whether that’s food choice or activity for the day, but often, this response does not feel good to say or to receive. We need to consider if there is a more effective way to convey this message, perhaps with further discussion, or better planning for the future. There are countless scenarios where couples have identified this phrase as a trigger in their relationship, and it is always important to assess the meaning behind the sentiment and what the other person might be hearing. We need to be mindful when we are in a dysregulated state, or we need to be open to someone safe in our lives helping us identify those times until we can be self-aware.

Language is so important, and one of my challenges to clients is always to say what they mean and mean what they say. The goal is to gain understanding of how they see themselves, those they love and the world around them, and what words they use in conjunction. Instead of saying, “I don’t care, you decide,” be clear, perhaps, “I am really struggling with trying to decide what I would like to eat tonight, and am open to most anything, the only thing that doesn’t sound particularly good is (fill in the blank).” Or even bringing light to the phrase, “I know my go-to is that I don’t care, but I do care, I would just prefer you choose something for us for Friday evening, maybe one of the places I have been saying I would like to try.”  When we break down communication, we don’t want to break down. We want to be clear, concise, and effective. It is okay for us to take up space, to express our needs and desires, and to be heard. It is okay for us to have needs and desires. To be tired. To desire someone else to know us and meet us where we are. It is okay to want someone else to help with making decisions, but we need to be clear about our wants and needs. We also need to be mindful of how we would feel if someone said this to us. Most of our responses are what I like to call automated. Over time our body has learned to respond in certain ways, and when our brain perceives these responses, it will do anything to keep us safe, since safety is a primary function. That being said, this concept is applicable to everyone, including the person who is on the receiving end of this phrase, and one thing we know for certain, we will not have a regulated outcome with two dysregulated people.

I don’t care, you decide might not seem like a phrase we would take this much time to unpack, but the truth is, we each have a responsibility to ourselves and those we love to take care of ourselves and show up in healthy ways. If this phrase often leads to frustration, anger, resentment, or arguments there is a good chance both of you are dysregulated and triggered in this scenario. Once we recognize the response and emotions, we can be proactive instead of reactive, and we can find healthier ways to communicate and have both needs met.

Surviving and Thriving the Holiday Hustle and Bustle

What if the hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer? What if you are struggling with feeling constantly on edge, guilty for not doing or being enough, and struggling to fit it all in? What does it look like to question the notion of the “do-all and be-all,” instead of questioning our own worth?

I don’t know about you, but, so often I lay in bed at night, and I recount the day. I think about all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed, all the things I should have done or could have done. I struggle to fall asleep because my mind always wants to remind me of my shortcomings. Anxiety does this to us, the difference is now I recognize those intrusive thoughts and the buzzing feel as an intruder, not as me. So how do I combat that? Sometimes easily- sometimes I can tell myself that I did my best and remind myself of all the victories that day. Sometimes I can look back and realize that my kids enjoyed the moments, or that I am projecting my own insecurities onto them, but they don’t actually feel that way. Sometimes I see all the effort made and recognize that is what matters. Other times I fall into the guilt and shame trap. Then I vow to do better and find myself being performance based until I can’t keep running at the pace, I have set for myself. Looking back, I always manage to see that it was my anxiety spurring me on, but there is no point in lying and telling you that I always recognize it in the moment. Even when you’ve done all the hard work, and even when you continue doing the hard work, there are still times where you will fall or struggle. The truth is its part of the human condition. We all go through things; the goal is to turn that going into growing. To stop beating ourselves up so much and instead to recognize all the good we have done and continue to do. I don’t mean that we should have an inflated sense of self, just an accurate depiction of who we truly are. 

You are so many things- wonderful, amazing, talented, smart, kind, loving, capable. You are uniquely you, and even when you fail, you will be the only you there ever is. Sometimes being ourselves will be enough for others, sometimes it won’t ever be enough- we need to learn to distinguish between healthy and toxic relationships, and how to stop allowing others or our own destructive thoughts to tear us down. It is okay for us to not do it all, or to not be it all- I think we all need to read that multiple times. In fact, it’s not healthy to think that you can do it all or be it all for anyone or everyone, and yet that is what we so often do. Especially this time of the year. When the expectations are even higher than normal and we want to fit in as much as we possibly can, and we are stressed to the max and barely managing to keep it all together, but “sure I can do that for you… yes, we would love to come…. How can I help?” It is okay for you to say no. Let me say that again, it is okay for you to say no. It is okay for you to say yes- yes to rest, yes to self-care, yes to something that brings you joy, yes to help. What if instead of trying to cram everything into every day we simply enjoyed the moments the day brings? What if we focus on the things that truly matter to us? 

I don’t know at what point we decided that we needed to live these hectic lives but just for today, I just want you to stop.

I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, feel the air go into your lungs and then exhale all that worry, stress, fear, and perceived failure. 

I want you to remind yourself that you are enough, you have done enough, and you can’t ever do more when you are busy beating yourself up. 

What if you let go of all those unrealistic expectations you have of yourself, or the ones that were placed onto you? What if you decided to take each day as a new opportunity to love yourself well, and to love others? What if you chose today to stop living in the shadow of expectations and not be weighed down by all the hustle and bustle? There is no perfect way to do life, but there are infinite right ways, and leaning into who you are and accepting that we all have limitations is part of living a fulfilled and healthy life. You don’t have to do it all or be it all- you never did, and once we embrace that, we can lean into doing what we can and being who we were always meant to be. 

The hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer, in fact it usually comes with headaches, heartaches and stress. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change it, and it only takes recognition and desire. Today, focus on what truly matters to you and let go of anything and everything else. Choose to stop, breathe, reflect and move forward confidently knowing that you are enough and being enough has never been measured by doing enough. 

Some practical self-care tools:

Practice deep breathing (in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, exhale from your mouth for 7)

Do something that brings you joy

Spend time in nature

Connect with people that bring you joy

Utilize your senses: light a candle, try a new food or a food you love, take a warm bath or shower, look at lights, cozy up with a warm soft blanket.

My Story of Pain and Purpose

I am complex.

We all are. We are all so much more than what others see. We are more than what others believe us to be. We are more than unmet expectations, boxes that have been constructed for us to fit into, and the disappointments others express in us.

We are also so much more than the good days. The perfect Instagram worthy posts. The pinterest projects and endless to-do lists that finally got done. We are more than sunshine and rainbows and the smiles plastered to our faces.

We are more than the fake and phony. We are more than the pretending and “I’m fine.” We are more than our illness and wellness. We are complex.

When I set out on this journey to share my story, I really did not think of the extent of what my story was. You see, I had been taught (somewhere along the way), that my story and my voice did not matter. It was not as important as someone else’s. The pain not as great as another’s. The trauma not as significant and therefore devalued; it means nothing if someone has it worse. But I want to change that narrative. I believe fully and wholly that transparency and vulnerability create meaningful connection. When we realize that we are not alone in our journeys, that people genuinely care and understand, we are able to move forward with hope.

I hope that in my sharing, you will find your light. You will believe that wellness is possible. Healing is possible. You are worth investing in and that people do genuinely care.

I was just a little girl, 4 years old when my Opi (German grandpa) passed away. I can still remember playing happy birthday for him on my portable keyboard. He was in his bed a lot at this time, but that didn’t matter, I loved him, and he loved me, and I just enjoyed his company. One day my parents sent me to stay with my cousin. I recall vividly them hurrying me into the car to get back to my house. I plead for them to tell me what was going on, but no one would. When we got back everyone was crying, and my Opi was gone. No one would tell me what was going on, but his bed was empty. That was when I first drew the conclusion that when I leave bad things happen. This thought process planted its faulty seed into my mind and sprouted years of agony and trying to be there for everyone and everything. But bad stuff inevitably happens. Shortly thereafter my parents decided to move to the United States. I was 6. I left behind my friends, family, pets, home, and belongings. I got on a plane and moved to California, we lived with my “American” grandparents. I did not speak or understand English, I was put into an ESL class (where everyone, including the teacher spoke Spanish), I had no friends, and I was the weird foreign kid. An immigrant. Throughout school I endured pretty severe bullying, from kids and teachers alike. I was locked into dark bathrooms, death threats were issued to me and my family if I ever told anyone, I was called a Nazi often. So, I became a chameleon. I learned how to fit and adapt. How to be liked and how to keep others happy. Once I had “friends” the bullying did not matter as much anymore. Some kids thought it was cool that I spoke a different language and that I was “different.” What I really wanted them to believe is that I was the same.

At home things were not much better. My parents worked a lot, they had to, and I respect how far they have come and the lives they have made for themselves. I endured a lot of verbal abuse from a relative. I was told I did not matter. That I would never have friends. I was too ugly. I was not worth life. I was told, as a young girl, that no one would ever want me. This person would purposely make fun of me when my friends were around, call me degrading names, tell me I should run away or die. What was meant to break me, only made me stronger. I realized this person was afraid of me. Afraid of my courage and strength, of my intelligence and resiliency. This person wanted to bring me down because they were unhappy; they projected themselves onto me. I watched as they continued to try to berate and belittle me, and I chose not to break. I chose not to let them see me cry. To say it didn’t hurt would be a lie, but when you are exposed to pain repeatedly, eventually you go numb. The numbness worked to my advantage though, it allowed me to live my life as the positive person that I knew I was. I have always loved people; loved helping and being there for others. No one was going to change that about me. I grew up around substance use and abuse as well, I learned that a lot of people self-medicate at an early age. I was a latch-key kid and always tried my hardest to help my parents in any way I could.

When I was younger, I didn’t know that I had anxiety. I would feel sick every day (somatic symptoms) and go to the nurse. I had trouble sleeping even when I was little and would experience night terrors and nightmares basically every night. I learned how to stay up all night reading with a flashlight because it was better than the night terrors. My intrusive thoughts sometimes got the best of me and they manifested in OCD tendencies and perfectionism. I pushed myself hard and was always in competition with someone (self-imposed) to keep myself at my best. I worried about literally everything. I worried about worry.

At the age of 11 another life-altering event happened. My Omi (German grandma) was visiting and staying with us. My brother was 2 at the time and napping in his room and I was helping my Omi with laundry while watching a show. She said she wasn’t feeling well, but didn’t want my mom to worry, said she would be fine. My mom left and went to work. My Omi went in her room to put away her clothes. When the show ended, I realized she still wasn’t back, and I went to check on her. That’s when I found her. She was on her floor in her bedroom. I panicked. I called my other grandma hysterically; I ran to my neighbors who called 911. But it was already too late. The fire department and ambulance seemed to take forever to get there, they wouldn’t let me go inside. My neighbor waited with me outside of my house. That day changed a lot for me. I lost a lot. And I realized that I would never be enough. When my Opi died, I drew the conclusion that bad things happened when I wasn’t there, so I was always there for people. But my Omi still died. I didn’t pay enough attention, I wasn’t fast enough, I didn’t respond well. The inner critic was right, that relative was right. I would never be good enough.

That didn’t stop me from trying harder though. I was in all honors classes. I took 7 periods most of my high school years. I was involved in extra-curricular activities and volunteered. If anyone needed anything, I was there. I was a people-pleaser. Very good givers attract the best takers, and I was okay with that. At least they thought I had something to give.  

High school was also the time I developed my truly unhealthy relationship with food. Growing up I was placed on a lot of diets. I think it was common then for moms to always be dieting because I remember all my friend’s moms always being on some sort of new diet-fad as well. But I decided that I could just not eat. So, I didn’t. For a long time. I lived on water and gum. Everyone thought I looked great; they complimented how disciplined I was (although they had no idea, I was not eating at all). I started to not feel my best, I was tired and light-headed a lot, I would get dizzy spells and just drink more water. My mom was doing my hair for a baby shower when I passed out and smashed head-first into the bathroom mirror. Thankfully, I wasn’t hurt. My parents had no idea what was going on. My dad got really upset and learning to eat again wasn’t easy. Yet again, I wasn’t enough. What I learned through this though was that, while I can’t control others and what happens, I can control what and how much I eat. I needed control of something, so this became my thing.

After high school I worked full-time, went to school full-time and tutored on the side. I always kept myself extremely busy; when I am busy, I don’t have time to think. I had learned how to “manage” my anxiety (which I still didn’t know I had) by distracting myself. Sure, there were days I wish that everything would just go away, or that life would end, but distraction was a good tool to keep my mind occupied.

Around this time someone very close to me tried to commit suicide as well. To say this was a shock is an understatement. Looking back, I see how alone this person felt and how the idea of not needing to be “in it all” anymore was appealing. I am so glad God had different plans though!

  In my early 20’s I met my husband and we had our son. We were relatively young parents and we didn’t have a lot, but we tried our best to do our best. My husband and I had to learn (over the years) how to break habits we didn’t even know we had. We had to learn how to communicate effectively and not recreate our families of origin. We struggled a lot, for quite some time. But we never gave up. When my son was 4, he and I were driving home and were hit by an intoxicated driver that was high and drunk. We had minimal physical wounds (praise God) but we both suffered extremely mentally and emotionally. My son ended up with a PTSD diagnosis, and this was what spiraled my anxiety. The accident allowed me to go back to school though and obtain my masters, and during that program I had my first public panic attack. It took therapy, medication, and a medical diagnosis to finally find reprieve. I had to battle a lot of negative thoughts, core beliefs and faulty thinking; I had to replace my distortions with healthy coping mechanisms and begin to see that not everything is my job. Therapy pushed me, a lot. Therapy taught me, a lot. Therapy helped save me.

I still struggle sometimes; I think we always will to some extent. This world is fallen and broken, and we desire perfection in an imperfect place. But now I have the tools to help me. I learned how to set healthy boundaries and let go of toxic people and relationships, or to minimize my exposure to ones I can’t end. I learned how to shift my focus and keep my eyes on Jesus; how to have grace, not only with others, but with myself. I learned how to advocate for myself and my needs, whether medically or relationally. I know now that when others project onto me, I do not have to accept it, and I can still pray for them and love them. I learned that my anxiety and panic lives with me. My body is its house and sometimes I forget it lives there, but other times I still struggle with sharing space. I learned that wellness is complex too, but it is SO worth investing in and fighting for. I learned that I can’t be enough, but I don’t have to be enough. I give myself permission to be fully me, and I will always do my best to love big and be there for others because that is who I am to my core, but I will no longer be a people-pleaser or welcome mat. I learned that we all have beliefs and ideas, we all have opinions and its okay to be different (even when others don’t want you to be). I learned that this world is perfectly imperfect and that I can lean into that because, so am I. I will never fit into someone else’s box, I will never be someone else’s ideal, I will never be anything but who I am. I can learn. I can grow. I can become a better version of myself, but I will never be perfect, and I have learned to be okay with that. Progress is greater than perfection.

This is a very condensed version of my story. There are specific details I left out and diagnoses that are not mine to share. I have walked through a lot in my life, and yet I know others have walked through more. The things I chose to leave out I did because I do not want to hurt others in sharing my story. I know we all have a version that is true to us. This is my story. It includes pain and illness, but more than that it includes hope and wellness. I may not have always known what I was up against, but if my story shows you anything, I hope it shows you how strong we are. How we learn to cope and adapt. How we can still unlearn negative behaviors and learn positive ones. I hope that my story shows you that we are all connected to each other. Pain and suffering are not discriminatory, they will choose anyone, at any time. But when I reflect back on all of this what I see most prevalent, is the purpose to my pain. My pain catapulted me into my purpose. It showed me that regardless of what we face in life we have choices. It showed me my own strength and ability to rise. It showed me that love always wins and that I have a heart that desires to make a difference.

My story matters.

YOUR story matters.

One day, when you are ready, you can tell your story too. I hope in doing so you can reflect on your story and see your strength and determination. Your heart and soul. That you can see you were worth investing in and fighting for all along. Our stories matter. Our voices matter. Your life matters, and you are never alone.

Cognitive Distortions... you don't need them.

For many of us, we are entirely unaware of how prevalent cognitive distortions are in our lives. We have allowed them to run rampant in our every day thought processes and when someone points out how dysfunctional they are, we can even become a bit defensive.

Cognitive distortions serve no healthy purpose. In fact, they often lead to more irrational thinking, dysregulated mood, as well as intrapersonal and interpersonal problems. We find that those struggling with distortions regularly struggle to maintain a positive outlook or hope that things can get better. They often have more difficulties in their interpersonal relationships and allow their distortions to dictate the outcome of their relationships.

All this to say, cognitive distortions are relatively normal to have. Most of us have struggled, and often even after learning about distortions and how to work through them effectively, still do struggle with at least one. Below you will find a list of the 10 most common distortions. It would be beneficial for you to go through the list and notate any that you feel resonate with you, or that you are aware that you do regularly.

1.      Mental Filtering: When we choose (often unconsciously) to focus on everything that is not working. We filter out all the good and only see the bad.

• Reframe: Begin by listing 1 thing daily that is going right or is good. Eventually work up to 5-10 items daily.

2.      Jumping to Conclusions: When we make *irrational* assumptions about other people or situations based on our feelings rather than on facts or evidence.

• Reframe: Examine the evidence. Is your conclusion substantiated? Challenge the feeling. Remind yourself that feelings are not facts. Question what the conclusion does for you, does it help you or hurt you? And, are their healthier alternatives?

3.      Personalization: When we take undue blame for everything that goes wrong in our lives and others, and we find ourselves to constantly be a victim of circumstance.

• Reframe: Examine what part (if any) you did have in the outcome, accept whatever responsibility you have in the matter and work on letting others accept responsibility as well.

4.      All of Nothing Thinking: When we see everything in black or white, right, or wrong; there is no middle ground or space to compromise.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself by finding alternative (middle ground) solutions or compromises. Start small and work up to adjusting on a larger scale.

5.      Catastrophizing: When we blow things our of proportion or make situations/events worse than they actually are. Everything will always be bad.

• Reframe: Challenge your thinking. “Are things really as bad as I feel?” And then challenge your feelings; Why am I feeling this way, what evidence do I have that supports this feeling?

6.      Overgeneralization: When we have a habit of using past experiences (often based in feelings rather than evidence) to predict or make assumptions about the future. “She ALWAYS…He NEVER…”

• Reframe: Challenge the absolutes (always, never, must..) and is there evidence to support a different outcome? Could things be different if we didn’t use absolutes?

7.      Labeling: When we make global statements about ourselves or others based on situation specific behaviors. We use one event to label the rest. *this often mirrors our internal belief system.

• Reframe: Where is the evidence that this is true in every situation? Reminding ourselves that using one event to determine the outcome of everything requires further reflection.

8.      Shoulding and Musting: When we use “should and must” to have unreasonable expectations of ourselves or others. “You SHOULD…I MUST…”

• Reframe: When you notice yourself using these words, challenge yourself to see if the expectations are reasonable. How are you feeling? Is your feeling based on evidence? Are there any other healthy alternatives that can help you reach the desired outcome.

9.      Emotional Reasoning: When we allow our feelings to dictate how we see situations, people, and outcomes. The tendency to allow our feelings to control our perceptions.

• Reframe: Being mindful in the moment and questioning our feelings. “Is how I am feeling skewed or biased? What evidence do I have to support my feelings?”

10.  Magnification and Minimization: When we tend to minimize our own positive attributes and devalue ourselves, while magnifying someone else’s positive attributes and putting them on a pedestal. In other words, recognizing and magnifying some else’s good while putting yourself down.

• Reframe: Challenge yourself to find reasons that you are deserving and capable. Start out with listing one thing daily that you are good at, that you do well. Eventually build up and add to your list. “What about today/this situation makes me deserving and capable?”

So, what to do once you have identified which ones you struggle with? You work on reframing your thoughts. A mental health professional can work with you to identify which ones you struggle with (do not be surprised if multiple resonate with you) and help you to gain more effective and healthy coping skills. Cognitive distortions often come from a time when they served you. For example, at some point in your life someone you trusted told you what you SHOULD do, and you saw the unreasonable expectations they had on themselves (what they MUST do). This led you to utilizing the “shoulding and musting” in your own life without even recognizing where it came from. At one point it was normal. But that does not mean it was healthy. Which leads you to finding healthier alternatives for the distortions.

To some extent we may all do these from time to time. To say that we could entirely eradicate ever doing any of these would not be beneficial, but we can minimize the frequency and extent to which you utilize these to cope. Our thoughts are based on our perceptions and our perceptions are our reality. But if we can change our thoughts, we can change our reality. We can go from hopeless to having hope. From struggling interpersonally to maintaining healthy and thriving relationships. From intrapersonal discord to shaping who we want to be and loving the life we live. You are not destined to live with unhealthy thinking patterns or maladaptive (unhealthy) coping skills. The thing about our thoughts is, they are often founded through feelings, and feelings are not facts. When we take the time to examine our feelings and their validity, we find that we have unresolved hurts or ineffective coping skills that have served us but no longer do. We find that we can let go of those feelings and focus on the facts, we can change our thoughts, we can lean into the discomfort temporarily to create a life we will love, we can choose a different path than the one we are currently on, and we do not have to let our past dictate our future outcomes.

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

This season is about redefining… make it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

Write your story: Self-Esteem and Self-Love

I remember being a young girl and just wanting to “fit in.” I had moved to California from Germany when I was 7 and I left everything I knew and all my friends behind. I didn’t speak English and my family had to work, so it was basically just me. We lived in a mobile home with my grandparents at the time and I remember seeing the kids walk past our house and desperately wanting to connect. So, I did. I just started talking. I don’t know what they said to me, or to each other, I just remember their puzzled faces. They didn’t understand anything I was saying, which makes sense, since I was speaking German. One of the girls took an interest in me though and she started to come by, and we would communicate in any way we knew how. We grew very close and once I started school, I began to learn the language quickly and easily.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t.

Once you can understand what people are saying, their words have power. My bullying began with someone who was supposed to love me and protect me. This person would say awful things when I was younger, they would berate me, tell me I was ugly, tell me I was no good… they would say I would never have friends because no one likes ugly people. This person called me horrible, horrible names. The behavior continued all the way through high school, and I know for a long time I internalized it. But my lack of self-esteem didn’t manifest in typical ways, with self-hatred and self-punishment, instead, I became a people-pleaser.

Back then I didn’t know that my desire to be liked by everyone stemmed from the internalization of what this person said to me. I just genuinely cared about people and their feelings. Perhaps because I knew how deeply words could pierce your heart and I never wanted anyone to endure the heartache I did for so many years. I became the person that everyone could go to. I was the helper. The healer. The fixer of all things. I took on everyone else’s problems and it soothed my aching soul, though it added tremendous weight to my heart.

You see, self-esteem is complicated.

There is no “recipe” that you can follow to suddenly stop internalizing things or struggling with self-image or self-hate. There is no cookie-cut answer that I can give, or a solution that fixes everyone’s problems, because self-esteem is directly related to “self,” and each person is a complicated mix of nature and nurture (or lack thereof). I could suggest tools and techniques, I could give you all the ‘cliche’ answers, but the truth is, I know (personally) that most of the time what we truly need is to go on a journey of self-discovery. We need to understand what has hurt us, what has helped us and then we can move toward what will heal us. The hardest part is often sitting in the hurt. For many years I believed that if I ignored it, it wouldn’t bother me. The truth is it just manifested in other ways like anxiety and panic when I felt out of control or things weren’t perfect… it resulted in my deep desire to make everyone and everything around me ‘perfect,’ and to never show less of myself. I was going to create the image I wanted others to see regardless of the toll it was taking on me. It resulted in insomnia and depressive episodes, hurt and broken relationships, and eventually a week-long hellish bout with panic. It took me literally thinking I was going to die to realize that what needed to die was my flawed ways of thinking.

I am not sure what you see when you look in the mirror.

I am not sure what you believe based on what others have told you.

I am not sure what you have internalized.

I am not sure what you wish you were or were not.

I am not sure how long this process will take you.

I am not sure of exactly what you need.

What I am sure of is that you are perfectly imperfect just the way you are.

We all have the ability to grow. To see ourselves for what we can become to reach for our goals, dreams and aspirations. But if you are truthful with yourself, you would acknowledge that if it costs you your person-hood it probably isn’t very healthy.

Self esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.

What I do not see in that definition is anything about being perfect, having it all figured out, or a specific definition of what you need to be in order to have confidence in yourself and abilities. Its interesting that self-esteem and self-respect are directly correlated by this definition. Meaning to be devoid of self-esteem would be devoid of self-respect, you can’t have one without the other.

If you are struggling today, there are some things you can begin doing right now that can help you. But I think often when we jump to the solution without addressing the core problem, we simply bandage a festering wound. With that being said, some practical things you can incorporate into your day are:

·         Using positive affirmations- affirm what you believe you will be.

·         Identify your strengths and then utilize them.

·         Have compassion with yourself and grace.

·         Address and deal with any cognitive distortions

·         Eliminate harsh self-criticism

Self-esteem is something I am very passionate about. I truly believe that everyone deserves the chance to, not only believe in themselves, but love themselves. We live in a world that will constantly compare us and measure us by never-ending increases in expectations and standards. The bar is always moving and there is no arrival.

You get to determine your worth; No one gets to speak lies into your life unless you let them. You have the ability to seek truth, to set healthy boundaries in your relationships, to rid yourself of toxicity and to start fresh if you need to or want to. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone, nor do you need to be someone else’s convoluted version of yourself for their benefit. To the wrong people you will never be right, but to the right people you will always be loved fully and wholly for who you are and who you want to become.

Today you have a choice, you can continue down this path. To feel these feelings, to believe the lies, to struggle… or you can take the first step to living the life you deserve and one you will love. There is nothing wrong with reaching out and asking for someone to walk alongside you for the journey, and whether you do it alone or with the help of someone else, you are brave, you are amazing, and you are perfectly imperfect. You can choose to write a story you will love. You can choose to write a story where you love yourself.

Couples Counseling

“We don’t need counseling…” (defensiveness)

“You keep saying that, but I am so tired of our lives being this way, all we do is argue.” (distortions/lack of communication)

 “If you just listened to me, we wouldn’t need to argue.” (miscommunication)

“You don’t even care about my feelings, it’s like I don’t matter to you.” (distortions)

 “Are we done with this conversation yet, the game is on.” (defensiveness/dismissive)

(insert exasperated sighs and heavy hearts here.)

Most couples, whether married or in committed relationships seek counseling reactively. Meaning, instead of coming in proactively and gaining additional healthy skills, they come in when things are at their worst… They seek help when they feel utterly helpless.

Couples counseling is truly different from many forms of therapy because in couples counseling, we have two unique individuals with their own past, their own effective (or often ineffective) coping skills, and their own dreams/aspirations/goals that they would like to merge with their partner. Often, we have unspoken expectations, insert some cognitive distortions and add in miscommunication and we have a recipe for disaster. So, one partner typically brings up the idea of counseling and the other obliges. Sitting across from a complete stranger and airing all of your intimate details about your relationship can seem overwhelming for anyone, but especially for people with high levels of emotion already. A lot of people view couples counseling as the “end all, be all… the last straw… if this doesn’t work then the relationship is over.” This can (and often does) create even more tension in the room and between the partners.

Two things I always say to my couples, 1. It will probably (usually does) get worse before it gets better, and 2. As long as both of you are committed to making this work and you are willing to do the work, you will see progress. The next thing we would need to discuss is each person’s idea of progress, which to me simply means, the forward movement toward the desired outcome, goal or objective. I don’t create your goals, you do… That being said, we work together to achieve them.

Couples counseling has been proven to be highly effective, recent research from the American Psychological Association indicates that roughly 75% of couples report and see marked improvement in their relationships. The 25% that indicate no improvement are couples that disclosed they are in abusive relationships. *Couples counseling will not be effective while there is violence present, and the couple should be referred to individual therapy until the abusive behaviors are no longer present.

Some common themes or presenting problems we see:

Lack of trust

Infidelity

Growing apart

Money management issues

Parenting concerns

And different goals/values/morals

All of these have a common thread which is lack of or ineffective communication. Many people do not realize that communication is actually the core issue. We begin to mind read, projecting thoughts onto our partners which are often negative toward ourselves. We become defensive and guarded, and instead of assuming the best, we begin to assume the worst. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman have coined the 4 deadly horsemen of the Apocalypse as Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. They hypothesize that these are indicators that if caught early can be corrected, if caught too late will end a relationship.

One of the most important “pieces of advice” I give to all of my couples early on is, assume the best in and of each other. When we assume the best in our partners, and we believe that they have our best interest at heart, it becomes much easier to utilize the Gottman’s antidotes for the deadly horsemen. Our goal is to begin with a Gentle Startup, build a culture of appreciation, take responsibility for our own actions, and practice self-care or self-soothing. Also, important to remember is that it took time to get to where you are currently at, and it will take time to break bad habits and create healthier patterns. When we decide to give ourselves permission to lean in, to work on the hard stuff, and to be truly dedicated to the process of healing, we yield beautiful results. Your therapist won’t have all the answers, and they can’t suddenly fix all of the problems, but what they can do is walk alongside you during your journey. They can guide you, encourage you and remind you of truth. They can equip you with healthy tools and techniques, and they can direct you in effective ways to incorporate those things into your lives.

Couples counseling is not easy, but then again, few things worth doing hardly ever are. You will be asked to walk through the dirt, you will be pushed beyond your comfort zones and you will learn that growth never happens in comfort anyway. We can’t make predictions or promises about outcomes, but we can tell you that you don’t have to face it alone. You aren’t the only ones who are struggling, and you deserve to live lives that you will love. Statistically speaking, the odds are in your favor. You always have three choices, you can maintain the current atmosphere (however dysfunctional), you can work toward healthy changes, or you can abandon (or leave).

If you feel like you are in an unhealthy cycle it is okay to reach out and connect with a professional that can help you connect the dots and give you insight as well as tools to create healthier lives. It is our goals as therapists to hold space for you, help you sort through whatever “mess” you want to sort through, and provide a non-judgmental, accepting and loving atmosphere to help you build trust in yourself and your partner again. One day, one choice at a time.

Pursue your purpose

Life has a funny way of taking us down roads we never even knew existed. Sometimes those roads are twisty, bumpy and dark; they leave us with an uneasy feeling and a desire to get back to familiar pathways. Other times we are traveling on smooth, fragrant and sun-drenched roads that leave us feeling refreshed and renewed. Either way, you are in the driver’s seat.

We can’t control everything around us, more specifically, we can even admit that control is an illusion, set to trap us into thinking that perfection exists this side of heaven. Metaphorically speaking, if you were being taken down a path you do not want to be on you still get to make the choice not to be there, you can choose to leave that path. (This of course is different for survivors of abuse, there are situations that I need to make others aware of that leave a person not only feeling helpless but many times hopeless.) But when we are talking about relationships, family, friendships, our jobs, and generally our lives, we do have choices. We get to decide how we respond, what we allow, and what remains in our lives. We must choose to pursue the lives we want, to live purposefully.   

It isn’t easy to change. So many of us resist change in every possible way, but change is inevitable. And, you are better at it than you think you are. Every day is a new day, every day you make minor changes to the way you live. Whether its how you got out of bed, what you had for breakfast, the dinner you plan to make, the calls you answered… there is change in every day. You don’t even realize that. You are so used to these minute changes that they have become second nature, and you are so good at transitioning through them that they cause no distress. Sometimes our lives require bigger changes. Sometimes we realize that relationships aren’t healthy, perhaps they are even toxic. Or maybe, you realized that you just can’t continue living the way you have been. Recognizing it is the first step to change, but after that, you have to pursue the change. I have never known anyone who said, “I know I need to change the filter on our drinking water, so I will wait for it to change.” When you know the filter needs to be replaced, you change it… why? Because that’s how change happens, you take an active role in the change. While that might sound like a silly analogy, we all know its true. Many people want their lives to be different, but few people want to change to achieve the life they want.

We must choose to be purposeful in our living. To decide what we expose our hearts, minds, bodies and souls to. We must not only be aware, but active in ridding our lives of toxicity. It can manifest in the forms of relationships, in lack of self-care, in addictions and impulses; toxicity often tells you that its your fault and nothing will ever get better. But it will only stay this way as long as you allow it to. Read that again. Right now, you have the ability to change course. You have the ability to pursue a different life, one that is healthy and fulfilling. You have the ability to put an end to the toxic things in your life and set healthy boundaries. You have the ability to find peace, love and happiness. More than that, you deserve to live a life you will love. You deserve good (and healthy) things. Read that again. Regardless of what you have done in your life, the mistakes you have made, the past you can’t change, you deserve good things.

The good news is, you can make those changes now. You do not have to wait; you can literally say to yourself I am done with this road and find another. You can turn anything around. Sometimes tragedy takes us down roads that are dark too, and sometimes its okay to be in the darkness for a little while, because honestly, sometimes sitting in the darkness allows the pain to absolve and for us to gain our hope back by focusing on the sliver of light we see ahead. You do not need to feel rushed to pursue your purpose; you get to choose how to live your life and when you want to make the changes. But change begins with you. If you do not know where to start you can always reach out to someone who can walk alongside you for this journey. The beauty of this life is that each day we are given new chances. You get to decide what your journey will ultimately look like; truth, you will come across darkness, everyone does. You will hit some road bumps, everyone does. But when you pursue your purpose the only one that can stand in the way of achieving it is you.  

Declare your purpose and pursue it fervently.

Declare *your* Truth

All too often we grow in a narrative that defeats us. We have others bombarding us with lies they have created to help ease their own insecurities, and if we are not careful, those lies become our truths.

“You are selfish… You are stupid… You are such a pain… You are ugly… You are annoying… You are too much to handle… You aren’t enough… You are worthless…” You (get the point).

When in reality, “you are selfish” was because you chose to maintain a boundary that is healthy for you. “You are stupid” is because you needed assistance on something that wasn’t clear to begin with. “You are such a pain” is because you didn’t do something that wasn’t yours to do in the first place. “You are ugly” is because someone else feels threatened by you. “You are annoying,” is because you chose not to give in. “You are too much to handle” is because you decided to be authentically you, and someone doesn’t like that they can’t manipulate you anymore. “You aren’t enough” is because you aren’t meeting their needs. “You are worthless” is because someone else is choosing to tear you down instead of owning up themselves.

We can go on listening to these lies, we can internalize them and make them into who we are… we can allow others’ voices to be louder than the truth, but that is still a decision you are making. You will always believe their lies until you learn to declare your own truth. The truth is, we all have faults. Period. Perfection doesn’t exist in this world, and though our hearts were created for it, we will not obtain it here. We will make mistakes, we will mess up, we will struggle with life sometimes… but those struggles don’t define us, the strength in the battle does. The ability to rise above, the ability to look fervently for the truth and rewrite our own narrative, and the ability to see clearly that someone elses thoughts and opinions have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us.

I believe in the saying, “hurt people hurt people…” but I also believe that healed people can love others genuinely and help them find their healing. We make the choice to accept these truths. We make the choice to listen to these voices. We make the choice to continue living in our own personal hell instead of turning toward the truth. We make the choices. You can choose at any time that you deserve more. That you deserve better. That you are worthy of being loved and loved on. You are. Yes. It is hard to believe or fathom, but you are worthy. You are dearly loved and deeply valued, and you have a purpose. While you have struggled with this mess for long enough, you can choose to allow it to become a message. The choice is yours every single day. Each day you choose to say “I will not stand for this anymore,” and each day you make a healthy choice for you, it will become easier, and the lies you have lived for so long will no longer have a fierce grip on you; they will not be able to defeat you as easily. Rewriting your narrative won’t be simple, it will take time, patience, perseverance and mistakes. Some days will be easier than others, but all days will be better than living the lies.

Even if you can say that sometimes you are the things others have said you are, defining yourself by them is not healthy or helpful. You can choose to find the truth you need to catapult you into change. You can take what is necessary and leave what is needless and create a story you will love to live.

Today you have a choice, you can continue in old patterns and allow these lies to fill your heart and mind, or, you can choose to rise above them and find hope and healing in the truth. You are more than enough and never too much. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are here because you have a purpose only you can fill. You are magnificent and beautiful, altogether lovely. You are irreplaceable. You are royalty and you deserve to have people in your life that will remind you of reality, not fill you with lies. The sad part is hurt is perpetuated because of their own lies, but you must make the decision to fill your heart and mind with truths. You don’t always need to walk away from people who have hurt you, especially if they are important to you, but learning to have healthy boundaries and set limits is crucial to your well-being. Toxicity threatens to overtake and its important to remember that toxic environments only allow us to grow when we remove ourselves far enough to see the strength, we needed to rise above them.

One day you will look back and remember feeling all of this. One day you will know how strong you were and how much stronger you became by declaring your own truth. One day you will have rewritten your narrative and you will no longer be filled with these lies that weigh so heavily on your heart. You are more than this situation, you are more than this trial, you are more than this season, you are more than these lies. You get to declare your own truth, and there will be beauty from the ashes of the life you left to create the life you want.

Codependency: The need to be needed.

“I just want to help…” “Whatever I can do to make your life easier…” “If you did it this way, things would be better…” “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” “I don’t want to talk about it.” “You wouldn’t understand anyway…” “When you behave like that it makes us look bad.” “I feel so sorry for you, what can I do to make things better?”

Have you ever been at the receiving end of these statements, or maybe you have been the one to use them? Not everyone who says these things is codependent, but often, codependency looks like this. For those who are struggling with codependency it might not seem like a bad thing. Generally, you feel like you truly care and love others, you want to be there for them in any way you can. You would drop everything to help someone you love. You feel guilty asserting yourself. Maybe you struggle with trusting yourself and others fully, and your fear of being alone or closed out of the relationship keeps you from identifying and expressing your feelings. You have difficulty making decisions so its easier to just allow the person you love to make them. But codependency is also a need for control; a struggle with insecurity and a struggle with being honest with yourself and others. Codependency creates an unhealthy dependence on relationships. It increases feelings of guilt, anger, and the need for approval and recognition. You can become easily hurt when others do not validate your love for them and all that you do.

At the root of codependent behavior is typically a struggle with poor self-image and low self-esteem. This could have, and often does develop in the childhood/adolescent years and tends to be more prevalent for those who grew up in a home where substance use/abuse occurred. In dysfunctional families, “problems” (of any kind) are not addressed, let alone acknowledged. All the attention goes to the identified problematic person/behavior and often this is when survival mode takes place. The “healthy” individual learns to repress their needs, their emotions and understands that it is more important to shut down and avoid confrontation than it is to deal with the problematic behavior. They learn to detach themselves and become caretakers; Their mantra becomes, “I can fix you… I can rescue you.” This belief system creates an unhealthy balance and resentment when those they love do not meet their expectations. It also creates a deeper dependency on the unhealthy care-taking ability. When one way doesn’t work, the codependent will look internally and blame themselves for the lack of change in others, and therefore try multiple ways to maintain their rescuing abilities. They also often struggle with feeling like chameleons in their relationships, every-changing to meet the needs and satisfy those they do life with. They have a desperate need to be needed and being needed validates their care-taking efforts which often leads to compulsive behaviors. This can leave them feeling like they have no choice but to take care of others and like they are helpless in their situations; although they create their own dynamics, they become victims and struggle to see why no one loves as much as they do.

Codependency is a learned behavior and is often multi-generational. It is both emotional (what the person internalizes) and behavioral (how they interact with the world around them). It makes maintaining healthy relationships extremely difficult, and those who are codependent often struggle with feelings of mutual satisfaction. Codependents often form and maintain relationships that are one-sided, in that they have a clear giver (the codependent) and taker. They run the risk of being in abusive relationships because they desire so deeply to help others and make a difference. Their intentions are good, but their relationships are unhealthy. The good news is that if you or someone you know is struggling with this, there is hope and help. You can connect with a qualified mental health professional and address these concerns. Many times, those who are struggling with codependency take a long time (or someone else saying something) to recognize that they are struggling. It is important to know that your feelings do matter, they are important, and no one should always have to give while others always take. Once we acknowledge and understand unhealthy behavior, we can begin to educate ourselves on the process of healing. It will take a lot of change and growth, there will be times the process hurts, but you will break the cycle by addressing the core issue- we were never meant to save people. Those who struggle with codependency do want to make the world a better place, they often want to save others from the hurt they endured (but have repressed), and they desire to be genuinely good people. What they do not realize is, a person has to want to change to do so, and those they tend to form relationships with maintain the dysfunctional lifestyle without ever recognizing the problem; this not only perpetuates the dysfunction, it creates a stronger dependency on the codependent behavior.

If you are reading this today and are thinking to yourself, “I do want to fix people, I do want to save people from hurt, heartache and disappointment… I know how to help them… I can make a difference…” then I want you to understand, that was never meant to be your role. It is not your job to save or rescue, you can’t fix anyone, they have to “fix” themselves, and it is okay to give yourself permission not to continue in these unhealthy patterns. It is exhaustive trying to be everything for everyone. Your tank will remain empty, your heart will remain broken, and you will always be reaching for the next bar, the next achievement, the next “fix.” Healthy relationships do not exist with two unhealthy people; unbalanced relationships are unhealthy. When you have someone who is always giving, and someone who is good at taking, the dynamic will be unhealthy, regardless of how “healthy” any one of those members feels. Trust me when I say, codependency only leads to heartache if it is not resolved. The need to be needed feels good, but that can only satisfy for so long. Learning that your worth is inherent, that you are good without sacrificing yourself and who you are, and coming to a place of trust with yourself releases you to build and maintain lasting and healthy relationships. It allows you to see that you do not need to be needed, but that you have specific giftings that allow you to touch peoples lives in healthy ways. You can still be there for people, you can still choose who and when to help, and you always have been a good person, but you do not need to continue neglecting your own needs to attempt to make and keep others happy. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve to live a life you love.

Take the free quiz below to see if you are struggling with codependency:

https://www.codependencynomore.com/codependency-quiz-2/