Parenting and Pandemics, Oh My.

It’s safe to say that the world we are living in now is very different from the world we knew, for many, even just a month ago. We have gone from over-crowded schedules to trying to figure out what to do with our time.

Our kids are no exception to this.

We have taught our children from early on to glorify busy. The more you do, the more that is on the calendar, the more you are involved in, the better life is. The truth is, many of us (myself included), often prayed for time. That time would slow down. That we would have more time with our children and family, that we would have more time to accomplish (fill in the blank).

Time is not our problem. What we find important is.

Our children are learning to navigate this in the same way you are, only they have a limited understanding of all that is taking place. If your home is anything like mine, we do not have cable, I do not watch the news (I check one news source daily online and limit my own exposure), and the only information the kids have is the information they overhear from us or that we share with them. But they are scared. They are worried. They are anxious. They are sad. They are dysregulated.

Their entire worlds have been flipped upside down and we are wondering why we see more behaviors, more acting out, more tantrums, more distancing or isolation… we question why they are responding this way, but are we taking the time to truly ask?

We are busy checking in with family, friends, neighbors… many of us even check in with community pages to see what needs we can help meet, but how many of us are checking in with our kids?

The reason I say time is not our problem is that we choose how to spend our time. Yes, schedules have changed. Our kids are not in school, many of us are home (more or all the time) and we are trying to fill our time. But what if we took that time and filled it with teaching our kids some healthy skills?

First: Connection. Do a daily check-in, ask the important questions. Teach them that they are allowed to have feelings and that their feelings matter. But also teach them that it isn’t okay to take your feelings out on others.

Implement a calm down area: put pillows, bean bags, blankets, sensory/fidget toys, play-doh, kinetic sand, stress balls, art supplies, books, journals, puzzles, pool noodles (to hit pillows/soft things when angry) and stuffed animals in the area. You can even put a “punching bag” or something it is okay to hit.

Your kids are ALLOWED to have emotions, and they will. They will have feelings. We all do. Feelings are normal. But you have a unique opportunity right now to teach them that feelings are not facts. That they can feel what they need to feel but they do not have to let those feelings control them. This is why the calm down area is great. You are teaching them self-regulation. It’s okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious (etc), it is not okay to hit your sibling, yell at someone, throw something, lock yourself in a room (etc). When they are feeling overwhelmed, they can go to the calm down area (have a timer in there to help them with keeping time), and when they are ready, they can return to their normal activities.

Second: Affirmation(s). When you ask your children questions about how they are feeling, affirm their feelings. Remind them that its normal to be feeling a lot of different things right now and that they are not alone. Explain that feelings are not facts and sometimes our feelings lie to us, they tell us things like “Nothing will ever get better,” but we know that is a distortion (thinking in absolutes (all or nothing thinking). Remind them that it can feel that way, but we know that eventually things will change, and things will get better.

Five questions to ask:

1.      How can I help you?

2.      What do you need?

3.      What would make you feel better?

4.      Are you hungry, tired or bored?

5.      Have you been creative, active, and helpful? And have you had any quiet time to rest your body and mind?

These questions require them to think, process and give answers that provide insight into their emotions. If they respond, “I don’t know…” you can always follow up with, “That sounds really frustrating, can I help you figure it out, or would you like some time to think about it?”

Third: Resolution(s). No one likes feeling dysregulated, especially children. They often become frustrated because they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling. Or they are afraid that it will upset you when they tell you how they are feeling.

Offer 5 minutes of unfiltered talk time. During this time, you cannot judge, criticize, comment or  offer feedback. They get to say whatever they need to say without consequence(s). At first this will feel odd, but it will open up healthy lines of communication and allow your children a safe space to be heard and understood. When the time is up you can follow up with, “Thank you for sharing all of that. Is there anything I can help you with that you would like to talk about more?” This way you are not only modeling active listening skills, but you are also providing them with the ability to ask for help when needed or to be autonomous and figure their own solutions.

Fourth: Empathy. Modeling empathy for our children looks like us leaning into the difficult conversations or utilizing our playtime to engage them to express their feelings.

Puppets, stuffed animals or dolls are great for role play, and when utilized often do not face the same barriers a face-to-face conversation would. When children are playing it is much easier for them to portray how they are feeling. If your children are too old for this type of play, you can always ask them to play their new favorite song for you or write a short story/poem or comic strip about a character who is going through pandemic life. It will give you great insight and allow you to connect with them on an entirely new level.

Once you are aware of how they are feeling, help them understand that these feelings are normal. You can share how you are feeling too, just make sure to convey that this is about them. “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I imagine this must be very scary for you. I am here if you want to talk more about it. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but there are times (insert role) mommy is scared too, so I know it is not fun to feel this way. I am always here if I can help in any way. Do you want to talk about some of the things that scare you?”

Remember, empathy is about connection and understanding someone’s feelings. It is not about feeling sorry for that person, or even knowing exactly how they feel. It is you trying to put yourself into their shoes. As adults, we don’t know exactly how they are feeling. This is the first time in my life that I have ever experienced anything like this, and I am an adult. I imagine this must be very scary and frustrating to our youth, especially all of those who are missing major life events because of it.

At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we CARE (connection, affirmation, resolution and empathy). It is not about having all the tools and techniques, though they are helpful. It is not about having all the answers, because no one does. It is about caring for them and how they are feeling. Showing them that we are there for them and allowing them space to feel and process. Our kids see how we are responding to all of this and they learn through modeled behavior. When you are taking care of yourself and them, they will see its okay to feel their feelings, but that their feelings to not need to dictate how they live.

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

This season is about redefining… make it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

The Pressures of Adolescence and how we can begin to help.

The pressures of being a kid or teen in our society today are monumental. Constantly being “on,” and never being able to fully unplug, or at least feeling like you can’t, has left them stressed, highly anxious and much more depressed than previous generations. They report higher levels of loneliness, isolation, disconnection and dissatisfaction with life in general. The appearance of always being “connected” has created an illusion in the minds of their parents and makes us susceptible to missing all the signs of depression and anxiety, amongst other things like self-harm and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Aside from this, it is also one of the most competitive generations we have yet to see. “Normal” has become the worst possible thing to be, because in order to achieve success you must be set apart. They push themselves harder, taking more difficult classes and larger class-loads, they sign up for community service along with tons of extra-curricular activities all while losing sleep and forgetting when they ate last… did I mention that they also drink large amounts of caffeine, and we are not taking into account all the other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Of course, this does not account for each child or adolescent, but in general we are seeing higher levels of stress and feeling like they have no where to turn. They often hear things like, “You have nothing to be stressed about... This is life, you just need to suck it up… Its time that you learn to grow up and deal with this stuff… You can’t use your anxiety as an excuse… You have nothing to worry about… Just wait until life gets really hard…” and the list goes on. Also, we often forget that just because someone is a child or teen it does not exclude them from having big emotions or bad days, and yet we expect (unknowingly many of the times) perfection. We expect them to fall in line, to do what we say, to never talk back, to not have attitudes, to never be upset about something, to pull it together and to basically be sunshine and rainbows because why would they have feelings other than joy?

When they try to come to us about the hard things and we dismiss them because we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to help them, we essentially tell them that we aren’t safe to go to and they need to deal with it alone. This creates a dynamic for isolation and frustration. It is okay if we don’t always have the answers, we need to let them see that too… often, they just want someone to hear them out, to validate their feelings and what they are going through, and to be there for them unconditionally.

The preteen and teen years are some of the most difficult! Not fully adult, not fully child… everything changes and is changing around them. They will (sometimes) make bad choices, that doesn’t make them bad. They will (sometimes) make mistakes, that doesn’t mean they are stupid. They will (sometimes) forget to do things, that doesn’t mean they are lazy. They will (sometimes) become overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean they are weak. They will (sometimes) struggle with relationships, that doesn’t mean they don’t want them. They will (sometimes) do things that make you angry, but it doesn’t mean their behavior was personal!

The number one thing I tell families is that behavior is a symptom; we (all) act out when we are struggling to communicate. Behavior is rarely personal, and usually has far less to do with you than it does with themselves. During these years it is imperative that we offer unconditional love and support, which is not devoid of natural consequences and boundaries, but that allows them to learn through growth opportunities. If we never make mistakes, we will always be complacent and there can never be growth in comfort.

We must come together to help them understand that it is normal to feel things, to make mistakes, to struggle in certain areas, and to need someone to connect with and talk to. If you don’t feel equipped, that is okay, and it is also okay to tell them that and encourage them to get help from a professional by making the appointment and supporting them in the ways you know how and are capable. One of the best things we can do is to teach our youth that we all have limits and limitations. We do not know everything, and we do not know how to fix everything. Furthermore, it is okay to lean on and rely on someone who does know more than us. We can reach out, connect, ask for help and learn that we all have giftings and a purpose in this world. Their lives matter and they have a unique purpose; sometimes it can feel like life is crashing in on them and it is hard to see and have hope for a brighter future, but our job is to model how, even through the darkest times there is still hope and there are still people who care.

It is time we stop isolating our youth further by diminishing their struggles and start allowing them to express themselves and be there for them. We wont ever be able to fix everything or have all the right answers, but some things you can do right now are:

Listen to hear not to respond.

Give them a set time (like 5 minutes) to just talk… no consequences, no rules, and no restrictions. They get to share openly without judgement.

Validate their feelings.

Offer hope.

Help them connect with someone who can help.

Be understanding.

Be fully present.

Understand that bad choices don’t make them bad.

And allow them to make mistakes and figure out who they are.

 All of us adults were once in this place, and we know how it felt to be misunderstood and alone. Just imagine adding the pressures of social media and connection, while feeling alone, and increasing the pressure to be perfect  because their lives are always on display. It is time to understand that their struggles are real, and when we pretend they are not, we are doing a huge disservice to them, ourselves and our world. It is often said that it is easier to raise a healthy child than to fix a broken adult, and I agree whole-heartedly. We can help them be their version of healthy by being there for them, loving them and trusting that they know how they feel. We can help by being there, reaching out to others, and allowing them a safe space to be. We don’t need to have all the answers, we just need to connect and love them unconditionally.

Parenting Preteens

Parenting is both one of the most difficult and one of the most rewarding jobs of our lives. We go through seasons as a parent, and each season brings both welcomed and unwelcome changes. Whatever season you are in, please know that being in community with others in your season makes such a huge difference. There are times it can feel like you are all alone, times when you think “Has anyone ever dealt with this?!?!” and then you meet someone who has, and the whole world makes sense again.

Today I want to focus on Parenting for Preteens. I think this is a delicate group of kiddos, and we need to be mindful that we have important jobs and roles in their lives during this season. This is a time of change for them. Typically, they start middle school (which means changing schools), they often change friend groups, they change or become more concrete in their interests, their bodies change, their emotions fluctuate, they are trying to make sense of the world in an entirely new context. Suddenly children are thrown into social media, “Because everyone has one MOOOOMMMM” (my (unpopular) opinion is that kids/preteens and even some teens do not need social media. It tends to have more negative consequences than positive gains) and they become fixated on a world presented as perfect. This age group also experiences an increase in anxiety and depression, and several other mental health concerns (like eating disorders, OCD/OCPD, body dysmorphia, etc). We still see them as our babies, but their world is not in the least bit infantile anymore.

The number one thing to remember is that their emotions matter. Their feelings matter. Why, because their perception IS their reality. What they believe is real, regardless of how much you want them to believe its not. When we negate their feelings, or make it seem like they are inconsequential, we are really conveying, “you are not important to me, your feelings don’t matter to me.” I know that is not at all what you are wanting to convey. I know that it can be stressful to listen to all the “little things,” but if we don’t listen to the things, we think are little, they certainly will not tell us the things we think are big. Everything they share with you is of importance. We might feel like they have nothing to worry about, stress over, or be upset about, but the reality is, they do. The reality is, they are humans and they have the same complex emotions adults do, often with far less effective coping skills and difficulty trying to process it all. They look to us to see what they should do. That does not mean that you throw all boundaries out of the window, of course they still need to maintain their values and morals, but what it means is that maybe you allow them 5 minutes (or more, depending on what you feel is appropriate) a day where they can share with you unfiltered. I mean that, UNFILTERED. No judgments, no consequences, no talking on your end… just listen. You will be surprised as to what you hear and how much this builds trust in your relationship.

The next important thing you can do to foster a healthy relationship with them is to set aside special time with them. Maybe your kiddo likes to grab Starbucks every now and then, go, it will mean so much to them. Maybe you can go shopping together or do something they thoroughly enjoy doing. Listen to music together, create something together, watch a movie or show together, really anything is great, as long as you are together and building your relationship. You can even save up for things together, so you are setting goals and making them a priority.

Lastly, it is important to remember to choose your battles wisely. Think about how you want to be spoken to and cared for. When you are escalated, their attitude will escalate as well. When you are upset, angry, frustrated, yelling or tuning them out, you are teaching them to do the same thing. Remember, they do what you do, not what you say. They will make mistakes, we all do. They will learn and grow through them if you allow them to. It is your job to walk alongside them and provide a safe haven, to be a place of solace in all the craziness they will experience. When we are overly critical, harsh or judgmental we are modeling that those behaviors are acceptable and that they really aren’t safe to come to you. We want to be clued in and aware of what is going on in their world, but if we get defensive and angry with them all the time, we are just pushing them away, not pulling them closer.

The overall goal is to be a mindful parent. You won’t be perfect because perfection is a lie, but every time you honestly try, they will see it. When you make a mistake and ask for forgiveness you are teaching them vulnerability, trust, mercy and forgiveness. When you go to them and genuinely show an interest in them and what they like, you are modeling healthy relationships. Our kids need us, even though they are more independent and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, they need us to model for them what a healthy individual looks like. A healthy individual has boundaries, they know their role(s) and they utilize their skills to best fill them, they reach out when they need help, they stay in community and connection with like-minded people, they are always looking for opportunities to grow, they participate in things that fill their lives with joy, they make mistakes, they apologize, they feel sad or anxious sometimes, they need rest. A healthy individual is the best thing we can model for our children because we know that behavior is cyclical, they will do what you do. I don’t know about you, but I have never felt at my best when someone is angry with me, yelling at me, or making me feel less than. In fact, when that happens, I tend to turn away from that person because no one wants to be treated that way, EVEN if they are in the wrong. Constructive criticism is built on a trusting foundation and it requires people to be kind and gentle in the midst of offering something that will benefit and allow the other to make a gain. If someone comes to me and reminds me how hard I work and how dedicated I am, and then they offer me great advice on how I can be more efficient with my time so I am not so stressed, I am much more likely to lean in and trust that person. Why? Because I know they have my best interest at heart.

Today, regardless of what has happened, look that precious baby (that’s not a baby anymore) in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Affirm all the good you see. Remind them why they are important to you. Fill them with love and build your relationship on that foundation. No one can change the past, but we can surely navigate our current situations to be different and positive, and we can create the story we want to live together. If you are in a place of brokenness with your preteen remember that change starts within. When they see you making a genuine effort (and it might take longer than you’d like), they will eventually turn toward you again. We can’t wait for them to change their behaviors; we must be willing to model that change first. I know there will be hard days, days it seems impossible, days you want to crawl under a rock and hide (or eat lots of chocolate in a closet), but I promise, like everything else in the world, this too shall pass. Take a step back, breathe, allow yourself to be in a good place and then try again. They need to know that you will not give up on them, and that your love is unconditional.

Kids and ADHD

With school being in full swing again, we see a lot of kiddos struggling to keep up with the demands of the classroom. I mean, lets talk about that for a second. We expect our children to not only go to school, but be told what to do all day (every day), to sit still, focus on activities that do not engage the way most of them learn, and be a shining citizen while we are at it. Not to mention, the schedules are INSANE! My kids wake up at 5:30 am (my daughter needs her time in the morning, no joke) and get dropped off by 730 and 8:00 am. They don’t officially get home until 3:30 pm, at which point they have already been awake for 10 hours. Factor in another hour (at least) of homework and by the time they are done its basically dinner, showers, reading/story and bed.

Can you thrive under those circumstances? I know I am tired, and I can’t imagine how they are feeling.

The bigger picture that needs to be considered here is the idea that no two children are alike, and yet we place them all in the same categories when it comes to school. General education or special education. Kiddos that have specific learning disabilities, are in need of behavioral interventions, or have diagnoses like ADHD are all in the special education category. Meaning, they somehow receive services and interventions that help them learn to the best of their ability.  Current studies indicate that 9.4% of school-aged children have a diagnosis of ADHD, broken down that looks like this:

388,000 children ages 2-5

Approximately 2.4 million children ages 6-11

& Approximately 3.3 million children ages 12-17

Out of those children it is reported that nearly 2 out of 3 also have a co-occurring mental health disorder, 1 out of 2 have a behavioral or conduct problem and 1 out of 3 experience some form of an anxiety disorder.

Currently it is reported that 62% of those with a diagnosis of ADHD take medication and 47% are receiving behavioral treatment.

Let’s talk symptoms, typically males are diagnosed with ADHD in far greater frequency than females. The reason for this could be that there are different combinations of ADHD, and males typically exhibit the more overt symptoms like hyperactivity, while females tend to struggle more with talking excessively. Some other common symptoms are:

Self-focused behavior(s)

Interrupting

Trouble waiting their turn

Emotional turmoil

Fidgeting

Problems playing quietly

Unfinished tasks: struggles with multiple sequence directions

Lack of Focus

Problems with organization

Forgetfulness

And the key, symptoms in MULTIPLE settings. Meaning, your child will struggle at (example) school and home.

What this all means; we have a lot of kids struggling, and less than half receiving behavioral intervention outside of school. I encourage you to talk to your pediatrician if you think your child may have ADHD, and to communicate with the school. You will be your child’s number one advocate. This can all be scary, especially when it is new. The information can feel overwhelming, and while ADHD has a lifetime prevalence in most cases, that doesn’t mean that your child will always struggle or not be successful. It simply means, they learn differently, they need a different approach. I love the quote by Einstein, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” It is our job to help our kids thrive. To help them see their potential. To help them understand that different is not bad. To guide them through this process, be a safe place for them, and help them to the best of our abilities. Every child has potential, and just because someone is different, or struggles differently than you doesn’t mean that they are less than.  

All of this to say, we put a lot of expectations on our children. We fill their lives with “to-dos” and stifle their creativity and play time. We shorten recess at school, we overextend their extra-curricular activities, we allow them to be plugged in (often so we can tune out, ouch), and we expect them to thrive. If we want to see change in our kiddos, and we want to see them doing well and not struggling the first step is to reach out and connect with others that can help. We have to allow our children time to be human, we have to give them space to feel their feelings, and we need to find ways that help the person they actually are, not the one we want them to be. Every child can thrive, we just have to learn how to help them.

The part everyone is waiting for, practical tips:

• Routine is key. Creating and maintaining a balanced schedule really helps kiddos with ADHD thrive.

• Give them lots of reminders, and grace for when they forget (its literally part of the processing issue)… 10 minutes until we leave, 7 minutes until we leave… 5 minutes until we leave, etc.

• Break directions down into 1 thing at a time and build their tolerance. “Please get your shoes. Please put on your shoes. Please get your backpack, etc.”

• Plan ahead: lay out clothes, pack backpacks and lunches the night before, have them by the door and accessible, check for shoes/jackets and be prepared.

• Remind yourself its not personal. They aren’t doing this to you, its how their brain is wired. Yes, we can learn new ways of thinking/coping, but that takes time and practice, which means mistakes and grace.

• Lessen their load and allow them time to be creative and express themselves.

• Connect with others that have similar life situations and remember you are never alone. The statistics in themselves show how prevalent ADHD is, you don’t have to face it alone.

• Reach out and talk to someone. Find a good therapist, lean on your support network and know that you just being there, offering love and support, that is what matters most.

If you already know that your child has a diagnosis of ADHD you can reach out to a qualified therapist who can help your child behaviorally and help your family adjust. Behavioral modification can do so much for kiddos that just need a little more help, and some guidance for the family as they learn how to help their child. If you suspect your child (or yourself) is struggling with ADHD feel free to take on of the free assessments below.

Child Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-children/

Adult Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/

*Statistics taken from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html

Back to school: Child and Youth Mental Health

Back to school can be an extremely stressful time for all children, even more so for those who struggle with mental health. It can create and complicate anxiety, depression, phobias, and  more. Childhood mental health is crucial, and while we have made progress, we are far from “having it right.” So many of our youth today hear things like, “what do you have to be stressed about?” “Just suck it up and stop whining…” “its all in your head.” Reaching out for help isn’t even an option for many, because when they have made attempts, they have been immediately shut down. School counselors are over-crowded, often with hundreds of students to one counselor. Teachers are not properly trained, and parents are often ill-equipped; they don’t know where to turn for help or they think their child should have perfect days.

Our kids are faced with so many pressures. Social roles, grades, extra-curricular activities, home lives, siblings, friendships, and more. Yet they are often expected to never be tired (or act as if they are), to never have bad moods (because, I mean let’s face it, bad moods are unacceptable), and to always do their best. But what if their best is simply making it through the day? What if their genuine best was having that meltdown instead of retreating internally and feeling like they just want to die?

1 in 5 children/youth will or currently have a serious mental health diagnosis. Most lifetime cases begin by the age of 14. The sad part is, they typically go an average of 8 to 10 years without intervention or treatment.

We must do better.

Statistically speaking, 20% of our youth live with a mental health condition, 11% have mood disorders (like depression), 10% have a behavioral disorder, and 8% have anxiety disorders. In our youth, aged 10-24, suicide is the THIRD (3rd) leading cause of death, and 90% of those who died by suicide had an underlying mental illness.

We MUST do better.

Of course, there are warning signs or symptoms, including but not limited to:

Feeling sad or withdrawn (2 weeks+)

Sudden and overwhelming fear

Intense worry that gets in the way of daily activities

Drastic changes in behavior

Difficulty concentrating or staying still

Severe mood swings

If you notice any of these, or even a change in your child that is not normal for them or their character, talk to them. Even if you don’t know what to say, just being present and supportive is crucial to them. You can say things like:

I am here to listen.

Do you want to share with me?

What can I do to help right now?

You are not alone.

You can talk to their pediatrician or primary care provider who can give you referrals. You can seek help from a mental health professional/therapist. You can work with their school and you can look to connect with other families.

Childhood mental health is important and our kids and youth face more than many of us could ever understand. Many of them carry the burdens of their home, schools, peers and more on their shoulders. They are going through major life transitions and they do not know where to turn, or that there is help. Mental illness is treatable. Suicide is preventable. We can do better for our kids and teach them that emotions are normal, that its okay to struggle but its not okay to get stuck. We can teach them that they have a voice and they are important. That their struggles are real and matter. We can show them that we are there for them and help them through the darkness. Our kids and youth deserve to be heard and loved, regardless of what they might have going on emotionally. They deserve to have people in their corners who are supportive and understanding and will help them help themselves. They deserve to know that, even the darkness doesn’t last forever, because just as the sun sets every evening, it also rises every morning.

Child/Youth Anxiety scale:

https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/ScaredChild-final.pdf

Child/Youth Depression Scale:

https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/PHQ9.pdf

https://cesd-r.com/

*Statistics taken from:

https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/Infographics/Children-MH-Facts-NAMI.pdf