A Letter From A Therapist...

This is a time like no other. We are all facing uncharted territory and trying to stay afloat amidst a chaotic sea of doubt, fear, worry, panic and isolation. We are told to refrain from connection (person-to-person contact), which is so life-giving to so many. We can no longer walk trails or beaches, which provides an outlet for nature lovers and reprieve from the constant day-to-day stressors. We are not allowed to gather with family, friends, our churches. Many have lost their jobs. Kids are not allowed to go to school. There are shortages everywhere. The medical community continues to cry out for us to stay home, and many of them feel as though they are sinking.

We have never seen this before. We have never known this particular struggle. Many of us were completely blindsided; not because others knew this was coming, but because most of us never thought something like this would. As I sit here and write this, I am still trying to reconcile all that is going on.

Virus— Pandemic— No Cure— Shortages— Isolation— Loss— Grief

As a therapist I can tell you that no two days are alike for me either. That’s what grief does to you. Some days you have reached acceptance, and others you face denial or bargaining; others still, you are angry or depressed. Some days I can go about, and it almost appears as though nothing is out of sorts, nothing from the outside world can penetrate the bubble of safety I have created in my home. Other days I grieve deeply. For the loss of human life, the loss of financial security, the loss of physical/emotional safety, the loss of consistent meals for so many, families being separated, the loss of large events like graduations and weddings, the loss of plans, the loss of aspirations and dreams, the loss of freedoms we so often took for granted. I grieve for these losses so deeply and my heart aches as I pray for a cure; I pray for total healing and restoration. As I navigate through this with my clients, I can’t help but feel that things are different right now. Many of my sessions, like most others I assume, are about what we are experiencing. There is a loss for words, and silence has become more normal in sessions. But even in that silence I hold hope.

You see, the only thing bigger than fear is faith. And I have faith that we will pull through this. Not unscathed. Not unchanged. Not without exponential loss. Not without grief.

But we will pull through.

I am not only holding hope for my clients anymore, I am also holding it for myself, my family, my friends, my faith community, other clinicians… I feel like I often hold hope for everyone and anyone that needs me to. But I want you to know something, I am hurting too. I see you. I see the deep grievances you face, and it hurts me. I see the uncertainty as we meet through video sessions, and it pains me. I see the fear in your words through our correspondences and I worry for you.

I worry that I was not trained for this. I was not trained to walk you through a pandemic. I was not trained to know what to say, what to do, what to give you in this moment. And if I said I was, I would be lying. This is new to me too. Every day I am learning. Every day I am relying on my intuition and my knowledge to help me piece things together. Every day I remember why you might be feeling this way, why emotions might be magnified. And I ache for you. My heart breaks that you are facing triggers you haven’t in a long time. My heart breaks that anxiety is heightened and depression is magnified. My heart breaks that you have to face yet another tragedy, that you are walking through more trauma.

Please know, my heart breaks for you.

But I want to turn this around now, I want you to see all the things that I am seeing too. I want you to know my heart in this, because if we can’t be vulnerable now, I don’t know when we ever will be.

·         While I was not trained for this, I am here for you.

·         We are experiencing this trauma together, so like I always tell you, everyone’s trauma threshold and response is different. You can lean on me.

·         I will always hold hope for you.

·         You will once again find hope for yourself.

·         This will not last forever.

·         We will get through this.

·         I know you feel stuck, and that your emotions are heightened right now, but you do have amazing new coping skills that you can utilize.

·         Feelings are not facts, and you know how to remind yourself of truths.

·         Your progress is not derailed.

·         Regression is a normal state of progress. Read that again.

 When we face uncertainties, we can often become disoriented; feeling as though we are not truly certain of anything but our fear. But fear is a liar. We are not held captive by fear unless we allow it to hold us captive. We can choose to see things differently. It is not always an easy choice to make, but you do have the power to do it.

I want to remind you (or equip you) of some coping skills you can use. I think its great for all of us to have these in our toolboxes.

Deep Breathing:

Find a quiet place, sit comfortably, close your eyes. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, and exhale through your mouth for 7. Repeat 3xs.

Grounding:

5 things you can see

4 things you can touch

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

Mindfulness:

I want you to find a safe and comfortable space and either sit or lay down (it can either be in a quiet room or with your favorite music playing softly in the background). I want you to visualize a place of complete serenity. I want you to picture all the different colors you see, the landscape or place you are in, what does it look like? What can you touch? What can you hear? Is anyone with you or are you alone? What can you smell? What can you taste? I want you to visualize yourself in this space. I want you to feel yourself completely free of worries, fears and doubts. I want you to take some deep breaths and tell yourself you are safe. You can stay in this place for however long you would like. When you are ready you can open your eyes.

Follow up activity: find a picture or create a picture that reminds you of this place and hang it somewhere you will see it often and be reminded that you can utilize mindfulness to reset and feel safe again.

Other effective coping skills:

·         Healthy sleep and eating

·         Journaling

·         Being creative

·         Connecting (phone/video/email/text) with people you love

·         Exercise (wear a mask outdoors or find fun stuff to do inside, dance parties are awesome!)

·         Read a good book/listen to music/watch your favorite movie/tv show

·         Practice self-care (a warm shower/bath, spa day at home, a cup of coffee with the fireplace on…this can be anything that is healthy for you and makes you feel good).

Above all what I hope this message conveyed to you, is that you are not alone. We are all in this together, and that there will always be people who care and want to hold hope for you. I would be lying if I said this was easy, and I wanted to share my heart today and let you know I am worried too. But what I also know is that worry is like a rocking chair, we go back and forth but we never get anywhere. Its okay to sit in the chair sometimes, because sometimes we just need to acknowledge our worries. But worrying can not add anything to your life, it just takes all the good things away. I needed you to know that I have been spending time in this chair too, and that it is normal. I do not want you to judge yourself right now (or ever really). I want you to acknowledge your feelings. To be present. To be mindful. I want you to practice your coping skills and self-care. I want you to reach out. But more than anything, I want you to be well. I want you to be safe. I want you to be thriving.

There is so much pain and heartache right now, but there is also so much hope and healing taking place. I see it all around me too. I see people connecting in ways they haven’t before, faith becoming stronger, communities pulling together while distanced. I see people doing the hard thing and staying home, staying away from those they love BECAUSE they love them. I see all the “essential” workers and that they continue to show up and be present for us all. While we might be distanced physically, I am not sure we have ever been closer emotionally.

To whomever needs to hear this right now, I want you to know you are loved, valued, treasured and cherished. Your life matters. You have a purpose greater than you know, and there are people who deeply care about you and your well-being.

Its okay to be tired. Its okay not to have a schedule. Its okay to eat ice cream for dinner (maybe not all the time 😉). Its okay to do nothing. Its okay to stay busy. Its okay to talk on the phone. Its okay to ignore a phone call. Right now, in this moment, I want you to give yourself permission to do a self-check-in and to write down everything you have been holding inside. Then drop your shoulders, breathe deeply and release the tension.

Remember this, it is always one day at a time, but sometimes we have to take it moment by moment too.

This is new. This is scary. But I see you. I hear you. I feel you. And we are in this together.

Lovingly,

Melani Samples

The Pressures of Adolescence and how we can begin to help.

The pressures of being a kid or teen in our society today are monumental. Constantly being “on,” and never being able to fully unplug, or at least feeling like you can’t, has left them stressed, highly anxious and much more depressed than previous generations. They report higher levels of loneliness, isolation, disconnection and dissatisfaction with life in general. The appearance of always being “connected” has created an illusion in the minds of their parents and makes us susceptible to missing all the signs of depression and anxiety, amongst other things like self-harm and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Aside from this, it is also one of the most competitive generations we have yet to see. “Normal” has become the worst possible thing to be, because in order to achieve success you must be set apart. They push themselves harder, taking more difficult classes and larger class-loads, they sign up for community service along with tons of extra-curricular activities all while losing sleep and forgetting when they ate last… did I mention that they also drink large amounts of caffeine, and we are not taking into account all the other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Of course, this does not account for each child or adolescent, but in general we are seeing higher levels of stress and feeling like they have no where to turn. They often hear things like, “You have nothing to be stressed about... This is life, you just need to suck it up… Its time that you learn to grow up and deal with this stuff… You can’t use your anxiety as an excuse… You have nothing to worry about… Just wait until life gets really hard…” and the list goes on. Also, we often forget that just because someone is a child or teen it does not exclude them from having big emotions or bad days, and yet we expect (unknowingly many of the times) perfection. We expect them to fall in line, to do what we say, to never talk back, to not have attitudes, to never be upset about something, to pull it together and to basically be sunshine and rainbows because why would they have feelings other than joy?

When they try to come to us about the hard things and we dismiss them because we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to help them, we essentially tell them that we aren’t safe to go to and they need to deal with it alone. This creates a dynamic for isolation and frustration. It is okay if we don’t always have the answers, we need to let them see that too… often, they just want someone to hear them out, to validate their feelings and what they are going through, and to be there for them unconditionally.

The preteen and teen years are some of the most difficult! Not fully adult, not fully child… everything changes and is changing around them. They will (sometimes) make bad choices, that doesn’t make them bad. They will (sometimes) make mistakes, that doesn’t mean they are stupid. They will (sometimes) forget to do things, that doesn’t mean they are lazy. They will (sometimes) become overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean they are weak. They will (sometimes) struggle with relationships, that doesn’t mean they don’t want them. They will (sometimes) do things that make you angry, but it doesn’t mean their behavior was personal!

The number one thing I tell families is that behavior is a symptom; we (all) act out when we are struggling to communicate. Behavior is rarely personal, and usually has far less to do with you than it does with themselves. During these years it is imperative that we offer unconditional love and support, which is not devoid of natural consequences and boundaries, but that allows them to learn through growth opportunities. If we never make mistakes, we will always be complacent and there can never be growth in comfort.

We must come together to help them understand that it is normal to feel things, to make mistakes, to struggle in certain areas, and to need someone to connect with and talk to. If you don’t feel equipped, that is okay, and it is also okay to tell them that and encourage them to get help from a professional by making the appointment and supporting them in the ways you know how and are capable. One of the best things we can do is to teach our youth that we all have limits and limitations. We do not know everything, and we do not know how to fix everything. Furthermore, it is okay to lean on and rely on someone who does know more than us. We can reach out, connect, ask for help and learn that we all have giftings and a purpose in this world. Their lives matter and they have a unique purpose; sometimes it can feel like life is crashing in on them and it is hard to see and have hope for a brighter future, but our job is to model how, even through the darkest times there is still hope and there are still people who care.

It is time we stop isolating our youth further by diminishing their struggles and start allowing them to express themselves and be there for them. We wont ever be able to fix everything or have all the right answers, but some things you can do right now are:

Listen to hear not to respond.

Give them a set time (like 5 minutes) to just talk… no consequences, no rules, and no restrictions. They get to share openly without judgement.

Validate their feelings.

Offer hope.

Help them connect with someone who can help.

Be understanding.

Be fully present.

Understand that bad choices don’t make them bad.

And allow them to make mistakes and figure out who they are.

 All of us adults were once in this place, and we know how it felt to be misunderstood and alone. Just imagine adding the pressures of social media and connection, while feeling alone, and increasing the pressure to be perfect  because their lives are always on display. It is time to understand that their struggles are real, and when we pretend they are not, we are doing a huge disservice to them, ourselves and our world. It is often said that it is easier to raise a healthy child than to fix a broken adult, and I agree whole-heartedly. We can help them be their version of healthy by being there for them, loving them and trusting that they know how they feel. We can help by being there, reaching out to others, and allowing them a safe space to be. We don’t need to have all the answers, we just need to connect and love them unconditionally.

Moments

I look back at my life and all I can do is to think of all the things I have done wrong; incomplete, let-downs, mistakes…regrets. I face my failures at every turn, and they seem to be chasing me with an ever-increasing fervency. I desire to escape the treacherous history, to leave behind the things that serve me no useful or healthy purpose, but it appears that I am forever in bondage to the pain of my past. I want so desperately to escape it, to find some hidden cave in which I can hide. Perhaps this is why I have been feeling this way for so long; my soul deeply downcast within me, overwhelming sadness and despair, a hopelessness that eludes to all-encompassing darkness. My anxiety grows within and I feel the sensation that I am falling; falling endlessly to my own ruin, death is before me and I see no hope for a future in which this pain does not exist. These moments have become my definition. Worthless, empty, broken, despised, rejected, forgotten, failure. How can anyone overcome these pits of despair? How can I see even the sliver of light people inquire of me to search for? When darkness engulfs you it is impossible to see clearly… I am searching, I am grasping, but my hope is fading as these moments threaten to overtake me. I wish not to be defined by them, but the weight they carry is a burdensome load.

We all have moments where life feels like it is more than we can bear to carry. We become trapped in our history, defined by the things that are meant to break us. We allow these thoughts to creep in, and then to plant themselves so deeply that we feel rooted and intertwined with them. We forget that light ever existed, because in the darkness you are filled with lies. Your mind is a powerful tool and it creates alternate realities rather easily. If you go to a place that is devoid of manufactured light and you stare at an object long enough, your brain can literally make you believe you are seeing things that aren’t truly there. Perhaps a tree suddenly becomes eerie in the dark; or you get the sense that you are threatened, someone must be lurking. The dark is only scary until your eyes readjust, you find light to focus on, and you realize the moment of darkness didn’t overtake you.

I know that our past often impedes on our future; it thrives when we believe the lies. We all make mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. We all fail sometimes, but you are NOT a failure. When we allow the moments to define our memories, we steal not only the present but also our hope for the future. We do not have to be held captive by moments. We can acknowledge that they happened, we can accept the lesson and move on, and we have the power to focus on the moments that matter.

Why is it that we are so very good at focusing on all the negative things in our lives? Why do we allow those things to define us so deeply? Yet we quickly forget all the good we have done, the life we desire to live, the hope we held to so tightly. I want to remind you today that you are more than those moments. You are more than the mistakes that you have made. You are more than the things you keep hidden in fear that exploring or acknowledging them means you accept them. Here is the truth, not a single person can live this life without messing up… none of us leave here unscathed. Some of us do learn to let go of the things that hold us back and keep us down; perhaps never fully, but enough to understand that moments don’t define us, we define our moments.

You have the power within yourself to not only define your moments, but to change your story. You might not be able to erase your past, but you have the ability to grow through all you’ve gone through. You can change the way you see yourself and the world around you. The moment you choose to focus on what is best for you, what is healthy for you, what you want your future to look like is the moment you have decided to let go and lean in. You lean into the things about you that you struggle with, it’s okay to accept those parts too, knowing that not a single person is without their own faults. You lean into all the good things about you, the things people admire and love, the truth that others have spoken into your life but you have always brushed off. You lean into your past and change “why did this happen” to “what can I learn.” You lean into your accomplishments just as much as you have leaned into your mistakes, and you decide what growth looks like for you.

However dark the past has been, those moments only define you if you give them the power to. Today, I want you remember that you are so much more than a single moment in your life.

Suicide: what we all need to know.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. It brings up all types of feelings. Those who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideation often feel like the world would be a better place without them. They report feeling like a burden to others and that they have no value. Many report feeling guilty that they continue to feel the way they feel, and worry about bothering others. They feel like they have no value, like their life doesn’t matter and that nothing will ever get better. This is especially true for those struggling with long-term mental illness. The people who love those with these thoughts often struggle to understand why “they can’t just get better,” or believe that, “thinking about suicide is selfish…”

Those who struggle with thoughts of suicide or suicidal behaviors/attempts often feel self-loathing, they are plagued by negative thoughts and often truly feel like they have no purpose. The pain becomes unbearable. Death becomes and option when it is more enticing than living through the constant hell inside their minds.

It is important to remind them they are NOT a burden, they are NOT unloved, and they are NOT unworthy. That we will be there for them, no conditions.

We still have a long way to go, especially within the church and mental health, but it all begins with one person having an honest conversation. Mental illness is real, and there are situations (suicide included) that people are in need of specific types of care; Mental health professionals that are trained to help and connect people with the proper resources. It is time we open a conversation and learn the facts, saving lives starts with understanding.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among the youth (ages 10-34) in our nation. The United States ranks number 27 out of all the countries for completed suicides; This includes those countries where they must report assisted suicide in their numbers. It is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and there are more than two times the amount of suicides (47,173) than homicides (19,510) recorded in the span of a year.  

Suicide does not discriminate. These thoughts can creep up on anyone, and no one is exempt. There are some common risk factors, that include, but are not limited to:

·         Previous suicide attempts

·         History of substance abuse

·         Physical disability or illness

·         Losing someone close to you by suicide

·         Exposure to bullying (including cyber-bullying)

·         Having a mental health condition/illness

·         Recent death of a family member or friend

·         Access to harmful means

·         Relationship problems

·          

It is important for us to pay attention, not only to those we love, but to all those around us. People who are suicidal often do not appear suicidal to others. Suicide doesn’t have a “face.” It can be all of us. There are some “typical” warning signs which can include the following:

·         Negative view of self

·         Hopelessness and helplessness

·         Isolation

·         Aggressiveness and irritability

·         Possessing lethal means

·         Feeling like a burden

·         Drastic mood change or change in behavior

·         Frequently talking about death

·         Self-harm

·         Engaging in “risky behaviors”

·         Making funeral arrangements

·         Substance abuse

·         Making suicide threats.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are cared for, loved, valued and cherished. The world needs you. You are important. I know that right now, in the darkness, it is difficult to see the light, but I can promise that there will be someone to walk alongside you as you look to see it again.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

We can all help. We have to know the signs for suicide, we can reach out and stay involved with friends that we know struggle or suddenly withdraw, we need to be willing to have a conversation about it, we can be direct and ask the hard questions, and if you think someone is suicidal stay with them, listen to them and take them seriously. You can help them get help by connecting them with the crisis line, or if they are in imminent danger you can call 911. It is important to remember that you are not alone, your friend or loved one (or stranger that you are trying to help) is not alone. We all want the world to be different, we just have to be willing to be the change. It starts with us. Every life matters because we all have a purpose. You are needed. You are loved. You are important.

Statistics taken from:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml