Surviving and Thriving after someone was drunk driving...

Life can change in an instant. Twelve years ago, I took my son to spend the day with his Oma and Opa. To have a pool day in the heat of summer, and just let my sweet four-year-old enjoy every moment before it was time for me to go back to teaching, and for him to go back to preschool. The day was truly wonderful. Laughs galore, and memories that will forever live in our hearts. On the way home we stopped at Target to get a few needed items and made our way back to our house. The entire drive (from my parents to my home was about 15 minutes). It was barely 9pm at night. I remember looking to my left as I set my signal to exit the freeway, and my son asked, “momma, are we almost home.” I responded, “Yes baby, almost there.” And then, as if we were cast in a scene from final destination our world exploded. I can still hear my son’s blood-curdling scream. I tried to slam on my brakes while it felt like our car was ripped in half, I was screaming for my son, “baby, are you okay, are you okay baby,” all while trying to bring the car to a stop, but the brakes weren’t responding. My son was screaming for me. After what felt like a lifetime, I was able to slow the car down and come to a stop. My door was jammed by whatever happened and I had to slam my body into it in order to open the door. My son’s door was nonexistent, and I had to pull him over my seat to get him out of the car. I held him so tight, and we dropped to our knees. We were both crying, shaking and totally unaware of what had happened. A woman approached me and asked if we were okay, she must have registered that I was in shock and told me that she witnessed the whole thing and that we were hit by a drunk driver. She said the ambulance and police were on the way and asked if I needed anything. During the impact everything in the car was displaced and I couldn’t find my phone, so thankfully this beautiful soul allowed me to use her phone to call my husband and parents. We stood on the side of the road and saw my van literally smashed and totaled. We survived. My son had asked if he could sit in the very back on the way home and something stirred in my spirit and I told him no, that I didn’t want to move his seat, and it would be faster for him to stay sitting behind me. If he hadn’t been in the seat he was in, he wouldn’t be here today. There was no trunk or back row left. Our minivan was turned into a 4-seat sedan from the impact. In the distance I could see lights and the lady said that two men pulled over with their trucks and blocked the driver in because he was trying to leave. The police, firefighters and ambulance showed up but went to him first, it took about 20 minutes for them to make their way to us after they arrived. They said he didn’t suffer any injuries. They examined us; my sons face was bloody from being hit in the face by something in the car, but he was okay physically, aside from that. They cleaned him up and examined me. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and they wanted to take us by ambulance, but I was already so anxious and just wanted my husband to take us to the hospital. We were there for hours, and I had to sign a waiver to be released.

The police report predicted that he hit us going over 100mph. That on impact he spun out and went into the shoulder, thankfully avoiding all other vehicles, so, by the grace of God, it was just the two of us that were involved. He was 4xs over the legal limit for alcohol and high. When they walked him past us to put him in the police car near us, he was laughing and smiling and saying, “what happened, I’m fine, I can go home.” He had no idea what he had done. The next year would continue to create trauma as him and his attorney did everything to avoid any type of repercussion for his actions. All I wanted was for him to get help, he was only 21 at the time. My son and I sought counseling, which didn’t go too well for us at the time. It was horrible trying to get an appointment to begin with (we had Kaiser at the time), and the wait was long. The intake process and subsequent appointments were anything but helpful, and I began to do my own research on how to help my son. Unfortunately, I was also let go from my private teaching position because of physical limitations due to the accident. I had no idea what to do. I loved teaching and never thought that God might have different plans. As I learned more about play therapy, God put on my heart to pursue a counseling psychology degree. He took what the enemy meant for evil, and He turned it for good. I knew that I never wanted another family or child to go through what we went through when we were looking for help.

That accident happened twelve years ago, and while I live with chronic back and neck pain, and my son and I were both diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder and generalized anxiety, I am beyond thankful that God had plans for our lives. Not everyone is able to walk away from these accidents. In the US alone, 29 people die every day due to intoxicated driving. That is 1 death every 50 minutes. Sadly only 1% of people who drive under the influence will ever face any kind of consequence for their actions. Twelve years later and we are still impacted by this “accident,” that could have so easily been avoided had this young man made a different decision. As crazy as it might sound, I thank God that he hit us and not a family in a smaller vehicle. That it was only us involved in that accident. And I still pray that he was able to turn his life around and find hope, help, and healing.

There are so many options these days. No one has to drive under the influence. And we need to do better and not allow others to engage in these behaviors. I am not sure what the answer is, but I know too many people personally that have suffered greatly because of drivers who are under the influence. There is help and hope. There are programs and people who care enough to help those struggling with addiction or risky behaviors.

When I look back at the picture I am transported to that moment, and while it is a moment I wish I could forget, its one that will be with me for the rest of my life. I am blessed to be here today. To have my son and to continue to share this testimony. The enemy meant to kill us that day, but God made beauty from the ashes.

This is part of my story. And it is what brought me to find my own help and healing. It allowed me to connect with wonderful colleagues and create a path for myself that allows me to help people every day. I am so honored and privileged to work with all my clients and to help them write stories they love for themselves. I know that life can change in an instant, and I do not take that for granted.

If you or someone you know is struggling call or text 988 or call 211 for local resources. There are also plenty of celebrate recovery programs, AA, and invitation to change programs.

What therapy is and who I am as a therapist:

Therapy is a place that you can come to be fully yourself. You can say what you need to say, feel whatever you need to feel, and trust that your therapist will hold a nonjudgmental and safe space for you to process. One of the things I like to go over with clients in our initial consultation call is who I am as a therapist, because let’s face it, we are all different, and what they can expect out of the therapy process with me. So, if you are here reading and are curious, let me do my best to explain myself and my process. 

As a therapist I promise to show up and be authentically me. I promise to be transparent with you, to challenge you to grow, and to guide you in your journey. I promise to model a healthy, loving and encouraging relationship with and for you, and that I will always be in your corner cheering you on and believing in you. I promise to hold hope for you, even and especially when, the hurt threatens to overtake any hope you might have had. I promise to work my hardest to help you reach your goals and write a story you will love being a part of. I promise to not make any empty promises. 

As a therapist I act as a guide, and you are the expert. I come alongside you and help you navigate your life currently, how the past has influenced the present, and how you would like to mold yourself to create a future that you look forward to. I will utilize a wide range of techniques, tools, and modalities to help you reach your goals. And I will work my hardest,but I can’t and won’t work harder than you. This means you must be willing to do the hard work, make the changes you want to make, and try new things. We might not always get it right, but we will always try, and if you are committed to the process, I can promise the process works. When we discuss what a therapist and therapy is, we also need to discuss what a therapist and therapy is not. 

As your therapist I am not a miracle worker or magician. I say this with love. I can’t magically make everything better, and I can’t work out all your problems. What I can do though, is help you navigate life, give you healthy alternatives and encourage you to grow and change to be a healthier and thriving you. I do not have a magic wand and coming to therapy isn’t a miracle answer. Therapy is hard work. It’s a place where you lay it all down, you sort through the hard stuff, you cry, you get angry, you want to give up. You question why you chose to do this, and if you should continue. But therapy works. That I can also promise. Therapy is messy and beautiful, and all the good things life should be. It teaches you to see yourself through new eyes, and it helps you to focus on the things that are most important. Therapy is painful. We are talking about all the things you typically avoid, and each week I challenge you with a new concept to try outside of session. Stagnation has no place in therapy. Even when it seems like we are stuck, there is work being done. And if you get to a place with a therapist where you feel like there isn’t work being done, address it. As a therapist I don’t have all the answers, and I am not always right. I have a genuine and empathic heart. I have strong intuition and often lean on that when I go out on limbs trying to connect the dots. I have years of training, and on-going training that equips me to help you in this process. While I don’t like labels, and I never have, I am able to diagnose and utilize the diagnosis as a lens to formulate the best possible treatment plan for you. But I promise to do that with you. I promise to discuss goals and to do my best to understand what you ultimately want to achieve through therapy. 

As your therapist, I am unlike other people in your life. I am not your friend, though it may feel that way. Trust me when I say, there have been clients, and I believe there always will be, that I could see as friends in different circumstances. Its normal to feel this way. We meet regularly, you share openly and honestly with me, I listen and reflect on what you tell me, I challenge you to grow and do so with love and admiration for who you already are. I genuinely care for every single client. And it is not something I can turn off when session ends. As a therapist, I think about clients outside of therapy. I pray for them, sometimes I will even check on them if my heart tells me to reach out. I want the best for you, and I am honored that I get to be part of the process. It is my job to model healthy boundaries for you,but that doesn’t mean I won’t celebrate if you call or text just to tell me something exciting. I guarantee I will scream with you in joy and celebration. Or, if something horrible happens, I will be there to sit with you and allow you to cry or simply be. Sometimes, I will even cry with you, because I am human too, and when you hurt, I hurt. As your therapist, I promise to see you fully. For whom you are, and who you have the potential to become. And I promise that, as long as you will allow me, I will work with you to create the life you want. 

As your therapist I promise to create a safe, loving, nonjudgmental and life-changing space for you. I promise to hold hope. I promise to sort through the hurt. I promise to guide you in the process. I want you to know that this isn’t my job, it’s my passion and calling, and I believe that God led me to this to help and to be a beacon of hope and light in the darkness. I won’t always get it right, I will make mistakes, sometimes I will be sick or need to cancel, or be gone on trainings, or take time off to be with my family, but what I can promise you is that while you continue your process I will be here. As long as you and God allow me to be, I will walk alongside you and cheer you on every step of the way. 

I might not have all the answers, but I promise to always do my best to understand you, encourage you, and guide you with truth and love. Therapy might not be magical, but magic does happen when we allow someone else the chance to fully be seen.

Parenting and Pandemics, Oh My.

It’s safe to say that the world we are living in now is very different from the world we knew, for many, even just a month ago. We have gone from over-crowded schedules to trying to figure out what to do with our time.

Our kids are no exception to this.

We have taught our children from early on to glorify busy. The more you do, the more that is on the calendar, the more you are involved in, the better life is. The truth is, many of us (myself included), often prayed for time. That time would slow down. That we would have more time with our children and family, that we would have more time to accomplish (fill in the blank).

Time is not our problem. What we find important is.

Our children are learning to navigate this in the same way you are, only they have a limited understanding of all that is taking place. If your home is anything like mine, we do not have cable, I do not watch the news (I check one news source daily online and limit my own exposure), and the only information the kids have is the information they overhear from us or that we share with them. But they are scared. They are worried. They are anxious. They are sad. They are dysregulated.

Their entire worlds have been flipped upside down and we are wondering why we see more behaviors, more acting out, more tantrums, more distancing or isolation… we question why they are responding this way, but are we taking the time to truly ask?

We are busy checking in with family, friends, neighbors… many of us even check in with community pages to see what needs we can help meet, but how many of us are checking in with our kids?

The reason I say time is not our problem is that we choose how to spend our time. Yes, schedules have changed. Our kids are not in school, many of us are home (more or all the time) and we are trying to fill our time. But what if we took that time and filled it with teaching our kids some healthy skills?

First: Connection. Do a daily check-in, ask the important questions. Teach them that they are allowed to have feelings and that their feelings matter. But also teach them that it isn’t okay to take your feelings out on others.

Implement a calm down area: put pillows, bean bags, blankets, sensory/fidget toys, play-doh, kinetic sand, stress balls, art supplies, books, journals, puzzles, pool noodles (to hit pillows/soft things when angry) and stuffed animals in the area. You can even put a “punching bag” or something it is okay to hit.

Your kids are ALLOWED to have emotions, and they will. They will have feelings. We all do. Feelings are normal. But you have a unique opportunity right now to teach them that feelings are not facts. That they can feel what they need to feel but they do not have to let those feelings control them. This is why the calm down area is great. You are teaching them self-regulation. It’s okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious (etc), it is not okay to hit your sibling, yell at someone, throw something, lock yourself in a room (etc). When they are feeling overwhelmed, they can go to the calm down area (have a timer in there to help them with keeping time), and when they are ready, they can return to their normal activities.

Second: Affirmation(s). When you ask your children questions about how they are feeling, affirm their feelings. Remind them that its normal to be feeling a lot of different things right now and that they are not alone. Explain that feelings are not facts and sometimes our feelings lie to us, they tell us things like “Nothing will ever get better,” but we know that is a distortion (thinking in absolutes (all or nothing thinking). Remind them that it can feel that way, but we know that eventually things will change, and things will get better.

Five questions to ask:

1.      How can I help you?

2.      What do you need?

3.      What would make you feel better?

4.      Are you hungry, tired or bored?

5.      Have you been creative, active, and helpful? And have you had any quiet time to rest your body and mind?

These questions require them to think, process and give answers that provide insight into their emotions. If they respond, “I don’t know…” you can always follow up with, “That sounds really frustrating, can I help you figure it out, or would you like some time to think about it?”

Third: Resolution(s). No one likes feeling dysregulated, especially children. They often become frustrated because they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling. Or they are afraid that it will upset you when they tell you how they are feeling.

Offer 5 minutes of unfiltered talk time. During this time, you cannot judge, criticize, comment or  offer feedback. They get to say whatever they need to say without consequence(s). At first this will feel odd, but it will open up healthy lines of communication and allow your children a safe space to be heard and understood. When the time is up you can follow up with, “Thank you for sharing all of that. Is there anything I can help you with that you would like to talk about more?” This way you are not only modeling active listening skills, but you are also providing them with the ability to ask for help when needed or to be autonomous and figure their own solutions.

Fourth: Empathy. Modeling empathy for our children looks like us leaning into the difficult conversations or utilizing our playtime to engage them to express their feelings.

Puppets, stuffed animals or dolls are great for role play, and when utilized often do not face the same barriers a face-to-face conversation would. When children are playing it is much easier for them to portray how they are feeling. If your children are too old for this type of play, you can always ask them to play their new favorite song for you or write a short story/poem or comic strip about a character who is going through pandemic life. It will give you great insight and allow you to connect with them on an entirely new level.

Once you are aware of how they are feeling, help them understand that these feelings are normal. You can share how you are feeling too, just make sure to convey that this is about them. “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I imagine this must be very scary for you. I am here if you want to talk more about it. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but there are times (insert role) mommy is scared too, so I know it is not fun to feel this way. I am always here if I can help in any way. Do you want to talk about some of the things that scare you?”

Remember, empathy is about connection and understanding someone’s feelings. It is not about feeling sorry for that person, or even knowing exactly how they feel. It is you trying to put yourself into their shoes. As adults, we don’t know exactly how they are feeling. This is the first time in my life that I have ever experienced anything like this, and I am an adult. I imagine this must be very scary and frustrating to our youth, especially all of those who are missing major life events because of it.

At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we CARE (connection, affirmation, resolution and empathy). It is not about having all the tools and techniques, though they are helpful. It is not about having all the answers, because no one does. It is about caring for them and how they are feeling. Showing them that we are there for them and allowing them space to feel and process. Our kids see how we are responding to all of this and they learn through modeled behavior. When you are taking care of yourself and them, they will see its okay to feel their feelings, but that their feelings to not need to dictate how they live.

What COVID-19 has given us: opportunity amidst the chaos, and tangible ways to deal with negative emotions.

Here we are… trying to reconcile something most of us probably never considered as a “worst case scenario” possibility.

As I try to grasp what COVID-19 is doing, not only on an individual basis, but nationally and globally, the most difficult part for me has been to see the destruction it is causing through panic and fear. I ache for those who have the diagnosis, for those who have lost their lives due to this outbreak. My heart hurts for our entire world. Being an empath in these times can truly drain you of life in a way nothing else ever could.

I am watching as the world is turned upside down. As people hoard and take on individualistic mindsets. But you know what else I see, faith overcoming fear. I see communities pulling together and meeting the needs of those who are without. I see neighbors helping neighbors. I see people posting about something extra they may have, willing to share because its the right thing to do. I see opportunity too. I see the ability to focus on the things most of us (including myself) have taken for granted. The ease at which we have things available to us, how reliant we have become on instant gratification (need something, order it on amazon and it can be here in 2 hours), the ability to drop our children off at school and know they are cared for and receiving a good education (thank you could never be enough to our incredible teachers and staff), how used to our daily freedoms we are, how much we rely on our medical system… these are just to name a few.

Over the course of the last two weeks we have seen such a drastic change in our every day living. But maybe the silver lining in all of this chaos is the things we do get to focus on, the opportunities we have:

• Jesus said: Love your neighbor (Mark 12:31).

This has created the perfect opportunity to help those in need. To check on people, put ourselves aside and focus on helping in ways that we can. Loving them as Jesus would.

• Jesus said: to care for those who cannot care for themselves (Proverbs 31:8-9, Proverbs 3: 27-28).

We have a unique opportunity to be advocates for the least of us at this time. To find ways to give back to our communities and come together, united, even through this separation.

• Jesus said: Rely on Him for everything. (Philippians 4:19, Matthew 6:26-34)

I know this is difficult to see tangibly with people out of work, schools closed, and everything being on hold, but I believe firmly that God wants us to rely fully on Him for ALL of our needs. And that He will place people in our lives that can help make up deficits if we trust in Him.

Seeing this all unfold has truly been surreal. But it has created opportunities to make the most of life. Once again showing us that everything here is temporal. It has allowed us to spend time with our kids, connect as families, make meals at home (we are making grilled cheese tonight, nothing fancy here), take an active part in their educations, reach out for help (because we all need it), focus on our communities and connect in creative ways, helping others, and turning our eyes to Jesus, our Savior and Redeemer. I believe that He doesn’t orchestrate the bad, but He uses everything for His good. While I have witnessed some bad through this, I have seen so much good. People reflecting His light and love, and that brings peace.

If you are struggling today, here are some ways you can help ease your anxiety/worry/fear.

1. Practice deep breathing: in for 5, hold for 6, out for 7. Repeat at least 3xs or up to 60 seconds.

2. Exercise: do yoga, go on a walk (maintain social distancing), have a dance party, do a relay race in your house… just be active.

3. Get creative: listen to some music and sing along (singing reduces stress and releases all those wonderful feel good hormones! no one is judging you ;) ), draw or paint, journal or write, read a good book, play an instrument, make something.

4. Practice Mindfulness and Grounding: In your room (if its familiar) close your eyes and list the following: 5 things you know you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste.

5. Share kindness and love: doing something good for someone else reduces stress

6. Practice good sleep hygiene: maintain a normal schedule, create a relaxing bedtime ritual and make sure you are getting enough sleep.

7. Eat mindfully: even if it is grilled cheese and canned veggies, you can still make it fun and be fully present for the meal.

8. Feel your feelings: acknowledge how you are feeling, but don’t allow your feelings to control you. Feel them and release them like the waves of the ocean.

9. Connect: whether through facetime, text, email, social media, or whatever outlet you prefer, connect with people you love and share in how you are feeling. If you need to talk to a professional, a lot of therapists (including myself) are offering telehealth during this time for reduced rates.

10. Find the good: laugh, focus on the things that are good, and remind yourself that this too shall pass.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Even if we are socially isolated at this time, we are all in it together. People care, and they want to be there in whatever ways they can be. You don’t have to face it all alone. This is a scary time, and it is okay to be scared. It is normal to feel a variety of emotions at this time, but dont lose sight of all the good. Remind yourself of any recent progress you have made. Focus on plans you have for the future. Make a bucket list. Have phone conversations with friends. Play with your kids. Do some spring cleaning. Most of all, remember that you are deeply loved, valued and treasured. You matter, and your life is important. This too shall pass.

Mom Guilt

If you are a Mother, to kids of any age, this one is for you…

I have lost countless nights of sleep due to this crippling thought process that arises as I try to close my eyes and allow myself to wake up to a new day.

Suddenly every. little. thing. I. did. wrong. Runs through my mind and I can’t escape the inevitable guilt that washes over me.

“Today I got upset… I yelled when I should have stayed calm… how can I expect them to regulate their emotions when I cant even regulate mine… did I really need to give a consequence for that… did I miss an opportunity to connect…yes, I missed a lot of opportunities to connect… I didn’t spend enough time with them… I didn’t create with them today… I didn’t do that beautiful thing that other mom does… I have to work so many hours… I don’t work outside of the home at all and don’t contribute to the home financially… my kids are missing out… I feel like I am failing them… I am failing them… I am the worst mom ever… my kids deserve so much better…”

I think you get the point. Maybe your thought process isn’t exactly the same, perhaps there are some feelings and emotions I missed, but overall, I think it captures the idea that, as mamas, we easily fall into the comparison trap and beat ourselves up. We focus on all the ways we are failing, instead of all the ways we are succeeding.

What we focus on multiplies.

Truth. Our kids just want us to be present. Even if that’s for 5 minutes a day, and they have our undivided attention. They don’t need the fanciest clothes, or newest toy (though they might get upset when they hear the word no), and they don’t need you to do everything perfectly. In fact, they need to see you mess up. They need to hear you ask for forgiveness, that’s right… you made a mistake and now you need to own it and ask them to forgive you. They need to see that we all have bad days, or make bad choices because no one is perfect, and perfection is an illusion… its something out hearts yearn for, but we will never have this side of the world. They need to see that you make mistakes because it gives them grace to make their own… everything is a learning opportunity. When you had kids, you weren’t given a manual. We are all figuring it out as we go, and the crazy part is, what works for one WILL NOT work for the other. When they see that you are not perfect, they will understand it’s okay for them not to be perfect. It’s okay to make messes, but we must learn to clean them up. It’s okay to get upset, but we shouldn’t act out when we do. It’s okay to make a mistake, but we need to find a way to correct it. Kids do NOT do what you say, they do what you do. They learn through modeled behavior. What your kids deserve is a mom who loves them fiercely and who wants what is best for them. If you are reading this, I can tell you one thing assuredly, you are a fantastic mom.

Yes, you. You are a fantastic, loving, kind-hearted, worried mom that wants to get it all right. You worry about your kids. You worry while they are at school and if they are too bored at home. You worry if they are learning enough, and if they have enough time for free-play and creativity. You worry if them hearing you say S*** will suddenly turn them into potty-mouthed punks that disrespect everyone they come across. You worry about their attitude. You worry if they are safe and if they would come to you with anything big that needed to be disclosed. You worry if they are sleeping enough and eating well. You worry if they have good friends and are making good choices. You worry about how much you worry about them, and if your worry is messing them up.

And the crazy part is, the moms who worry are the moms that are wonderful… (I am not saying if you don’t worry about all of these things you are anything less than wonderful, I am just saying that in most cases, as moms, we all tend to worry about the tiniest details, and the love is in our worry).

Mama let me tell you clearly, LOVE covers a multitude of wrongs ((slightly paraphrased) 1 Peter 4:8).

The most valuable thing I can share with you is this… create connections. If you have multiple children, take time each week, it doesn’t have to be lengthy or expensive, to spend time with them individually.  Have those heart conversations. Start a journal between the two of you, you’ll be surprised what they put in it. Have 5 minutes a day of unfiltered talk time… they can say anything they need to, no consequences or judgement. Ask them open-ended questions. Take an interest in what they like, even if you can’t remember Charzard from Charmeleon, or Princess Poppy from Elsa… they love that you want to know. Encourage them, but also help them with areas in which they can grow. Its important to remember that no one is great at everything, and even our kids struggle in certain areas or have bad days. Grace goes a long way, and when all else fails, grace upon grace.

At the end of the night, regardless of how bad the day was, remember its just a bad day and not a bad life. You are not unredeemable, your kids are not unredeemable, the situation is not unredeemable. Sometimes we have to start fresh, try new ways because the old ones aren’t working. We have to be willing to admit what works and what doesn’t, and also to create healthy boundaries around our lives to build the lives we want. As mamas we are multi-tasking geniuses… we do it all and then some. But don’t forget mama, that you are important too. That your well-being, mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health matters. That you can’t pour from an empty cup and its important to be in community with others that can pour into you.

Your kids, they love you. They love that you love them, that you are there for them. That you sing to them, or play with them, or read to them… they love the little traditions you have and the rituals you create, and the truth is, they love all the little things you think no one pays attention to. They love you just as you are, exactly as you love them… and I have heard from some older-wiser mamas, that when they say they hate you; you are *actually* doing your job. So, rest easy mama, your kids are amazing because of your amazing love.

Remember mama, mom guilt is real, but so is Gods grace, and grace wins every time.

The Pressures of Adolescence and how we can begin to help.

The pressures of being a kid or teen in our society today are monumental. Constantly being “on,” and never being able to fully unplug, or at least feeling like you can’t, has left them stressed, highly anxious and much more depressed than previous generations. They report higher levels of loneliness, isolation, disconnection and dissatisfaction with life in general. The appearance of always being “connected” has created an illusion in the minds of their parents and makes us susceptible to missing all the signs of depression and anxiety, amongst other things like self-harm and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Aside from this, it is also one of the most competitive generations we have yet to see. “Normal” has become the worst possible thing to be, because in order to achieve success you must be set apart. They push themselves harder, taking more difficult classes and larger class-loads, they sign up for community service along with tons of extra-curricular activities all while losing sleep and forgetting when they ate last… did I mention that they also drink large amounts of caffeine, and we are not taking into account all the other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Of course, this does not account for each child or adolescent, but in general we are seeing higher levels of stress and feeling like they have no where to turn. They often hear things like, “You have nothing to be stressed about... This is life, you just need to suck it up… Its time that you learn to grow up and deal with this stuff… You can’t use your anxiety as an excuse… You have nothing to worry about… Just wait until life gets really hard…” and the list goes on. Also, we often forget that just because someone is a child or teen it does not exclude them from having big emotions or bad days, and yet we expect (unknowingly many of the times) perfection. We expect them to fall in line, to do what we say, to never talk back, to not have attitudes, to never be upset about something, to pull it together and to basically be sunshine and rainbows because why would they have feelings other than joy?

When they try to come to us about the hard things and we dismiss them because we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to help them, we essentially tell them that we aren’t safe to go to and they need to deal with it alone. This creates a dynamic for isolation and frustration. It is okay if we don’t always have the answers, we need to let them see that too… often, they just want someone to hear them out, to validate their feelings and what they are going through, and to be there for them unconditionally.

The preteen and teen years are some of the most difficult! Not fully adult, not fully child… everything changes and is changing around them. They will (sometimes) make bad choices, that doesn’t make them bad. They will (sometimes) make mistakes, that doesn’t mean they are stupid. They will (sometimes) forget to do things, that doesn’t mean they are lazy. They will (sometimes) become overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean they are weak. They will (sometimes) struggle with relationships, that doesn’t mean they don’t want them. They will (sometimes) do things that make you angry, but it doesn’t mean their behavior was personal!

The number one thing I tell families is that behavior is a symptom; we (all) act out when we are struggling to communicate. Behavior is rarely personal, and usually has far less to do with you than it does with themselves. During these years it is imperative that we offer unconditional love and support, which is not devoid of natural consequences and boundaries, but that allows them to learn through growth opportunities. If we never make mistakes, we will always be complacent and there can never be growth in comfort.

We must come together to help them understand that it is normal to feel things, to make mistakes, to struggle in certain areas, and to need someone to connect with and talk to. If you don’t feel equipped, that is okay, and it is also okay to tell them that and encourage them to get help from a professional by making the appointment and supporting them in the ways you know how and are capable. One of the best things we can do is to teach our youth that we all have limits and limitations. We do not know everything, and we do not know how to fix everything. Furthermore, it is okay to lean on and rely on someone who does know more than us. We can reach out, connect, ask for help and learn that we all have giftings and a purpose in this world. Their lives matter and they have a unique purpose; sometimes it can feel like life is crashing in on them and it is hard to see and have hope for a brighter future, but our job is to model how, even through the darkest times there is still hope and there are still people who care.

It is time we stop isolating our youth further by diminishing their struggles and start allowing them to express themselves and be there for them. We wont ever be able to fix everything or have all the right answers, but some things you can do right now are:

Listen to hear not to respond.

Give them a set time (like 5 minutes) to just talk… no consequences, no rules, and no restrictions. They get to share openly without judgement.

Validate their feelings.

Offer hope.

Help them connect with someone who can help.

Be understanding.

Be fully present.

Understand that bad choices don’t make them bad.

And allow them to make mistakes and figure out who they are.

 All of us adults were once in this place, and we know how it felt to be misunderstood and alone. Just imagine adding the pressures of social media and connection, while feeling alone, and increasing the pressure to be perfect  because their lives are always on display. It is time to understand that their struggles are real, and when we pretend they are not, we are doing a huge disservice to them, ourselves and our world. It is often said that it is easier to raise a healthy child than to fix a broken adult, and I agree whole-heartedly. We can help them be their version of healthy by being there for them, loving them and trusting that they know how they feel. We can help by being there, reaching out to others, and allowing them a safe space to be. We don’t need to have all the answers, we just need to connect and love them unconditionally.

Parenting Preteens

Parenting is both one of the most difficult and one of the most rewarding jobs of our lives. We go through seasons as a parent, and each season brings both welcomed and unwelcome changes. Whatever season you are in, please know that being in community with others in your season makes such a huge difference. There are times it can feel like you are all alone, times when you think “Has anyone ever dealt with this?!?!” and then you meet someone who has, and the whole world makes sense again.

Today I want to focus on Parenting for Preteens. I think this is a delicate group of kiddos, and we need to be mindful that we have important jobs and roles in their lives during this season. This is a time of change for them. Typically, they start middle school (which means changing schools), they often change friend groups, they change or become more concrete in their interests, their bodies change, their emotions fluctuate, they are trying to make sense of the world in an entirely new context. Suddenly children are thrown into social media, “Because everyone has one MOOOOMMMM” (my (unpopular) opinion is that kids/preteens and even some teens do not need social media. It tends to have more negative consequences than positive gains) and they become fixated on a world presented as perfect. This age group also experiences an increase in anxiety and depression, and several other mental health concerns (like eating disorders, OCD/OCPD, body dysmorphia, etc). We still see them as our babies, but their world is not in the least bit infantile anymore.

The number one thing to remember is that their emotions matter. Their feelings matter. Why, because their perception IS their reality. What they believe is real, regardless of how much you want them to believe its not. When we negate their feelings, or make it seem like they are inconsequential, we are really conveying, “you are not important to me, your feelings don’t matter to me.” I know that is not at all what you are wanting to convey. I know that it can be stressful to listen to all the “little things,” but if we don’t listen to the things, we think are little, they certainly will not tell us the things we think are big. Everything they share with you is of importance. We might feel like they have nothing to worry about, stress over, or be upset about, but the reality is, they do. The reality is, they are humans and they have the same complex emotions adults do, often with far less effective coping skills and difficulty trying to process it all. They look to us to see what they should do. That does not mean that you throw all boundaries out of the window, of course they still need to maintain their values and morals, but what it means is that maybe you allow them 5 minutes (or more, depending on what you feel is appropriate) a day where they can share with you unfiltered. I mean that, UNFILTERED. No judgments, no consequences, no talking on your end… just listen. You will be surprised as to what you hear and how much this builds trust in your relationship.

The next important thing you can do to foster a healthy relationship with them is to set aside special time with them. Maybe your kiddo likes to grab Starbucks every now and then, go, it will mean so much to them. Maybe you can go shopping together or do something they thoroughly enjoy doing. Listen to music together, create something together, watch a movie or show together, really anything is great, as long as you are together and building your relationship. You can even save up for things together, so you are setting goals and making them a priority.

Lastly, it is important to remember to choose your battles wisely. Think about how you want to be spoken to and cared for. When you are escalated, their attitude will escalate as well. When you are upset, angry, frustrated, yelling or tuning them out, you are teaching them to do the same thing. Remember, they do what you do, not what you say. They will make mistakes, we all do. They will learn and grow through them if you allow them to. It is your job to walk alongside them and provide a safe haven, to be a place of solace in all the craziness they will experience. When we are overly critical, harsh or judgmental we are modeling that those behaviors are acceptable and that they really aren’t safe to come to you. We want to be clued in and aware of what is going on in their world, but if we get defensive and angry with them all the time, we are just pushing them away, not pulling them closer.

The overall goal is to be a mindful parent. You won’t be perfect because perfection is a lie, but every time you honestly try, they will see it. When you make a mistake and ask for forgiveness you are teaching them vulnerability, trust, mercy and forgiveness. When you go to them and genuinely show an interest in them and what they like, you are modeling healthy relationships. Our kids need us, even though they are more independent and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, they need us to model for them what a healthy individual looks like. A healthy individual has boundaries, they know their role(s) and they utilize their skills to best fill them, they reach out when they need help, they stay in community and connection with like-minded people, they are always looking for opportunities to grow, they participate in things that fill their lives with joy, they make mistakes, they apologize, they feel sad or anxious sometimes, they need rest. A healthy individual is the best thing we can model for our children because we know that behavior is cyclical, they will do what you do. I don’t know about you, but I have never felt at my best when someone is angry with me, yelling at me, or making me feel less than. In fact, when that happens, I tend to turn away from that person because no one wants to be treated that way, EVEN if they are in the wrong. Constructive criticism is built on a trusting foundation and it requires people to be kind and gentle in the midst of offering something that will benefit and allow the other to make a gain. If someone comes to me and reminds me how hard I work and how dedicated I am, and then they offer me great advice on how I can be more efficient with my time so I am not so stressed, I am much more likely to lean in and trust that person. Why? Because I know they have my best interest at heart.

Today, regardless of what has happened, look that precious baby (that’s not a baby anymore) in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Affirm all the good you see. Remind them why they are important to you. Fill them with love and build your relationship on that foundation. No one can change the past, but we can surely navigate our current situations to be different and positive, and we can create the story we want to live together. If you are in a place of brokenness with your preteen remember that change starts within. When they see you making a genuine effort (and it might take longer than you’d like), they will eventually turn toward you again. We can’t wait for them to change their behaviors; we must be willing to model that change first. I know there will be hard days, days it seems impossible, days you want to crawl under a rock and hide (or eat lots of chocolate in a closet), but I promise, like everything else in the world, this too shall pass. Take a step back, breathe, allow yourself to be in a good place and then try again. They need to know that you will not give up on them, and that your love is unconditional.

Kids and ADHD

With school being in full swing again, we see a lot of kiddos struggling to keep up with the demands of the classroom. I mean, lets talk about that for a second. We expect our children to not only go to school, but be told what to do all day (every day), to sit still, focus on activities that do not engage the way most of them learn, and be a shining citizen while we are at it. Not to mention, the schedules are INSANE! My kids wake up at 5:30 am (my daughter needs her time in the morning, no joke) and get dropped off by 730 and 8:00 am. They don’t officially get home until 3:30 pm, at which point they have already been awake for 10 hours. Factor in another hour (at least) of homework and by the time they are done its basically dinner, showers, reading/story and bed.

Can you thrive under those circumstances? I know I am tired, and I can’t imagine how they are feeling.

The bigger picture that needs to be considered here is the idea that no two children are alike, and yet we place them all in the same categories when it comes to school. General education or special education. Kiddos that have specific learning disabilities, are in need of behavioral interventions, or have diagnoses like ADHD are all in the special education category. Meaning, they somehow receive services and interventions that help them learn to the best of their ability.  Current studies indicate that 9.4% of school-aged children have a diagnosis of ADHD, broken down that looks like this:

388,000 children ages 2-5

Approximately 2.4 million children ages 6-11

& Approximately 3.3 million children ages 12-17

Out of those children it is reported that nearly 2 out of 3 also have a co-occurring mental health disorder, 1 out of 2 have a behavioral or conduct problem and 1 out of 3 experience some form of an anxiety disorder.

Currently it is reported that 62% of those with a diagnosis of ADHD take medication and 47% are receiving behavioral treatment.

Let’s talk symptoms, typically males are diagnosed with ADHD in far greater frequency than females. The reason for this could be that there are different combinations of ADHD, and males typically exhibit the more overt symptoms like hyperactivity, while females tend to struggle more with talking excessively. Some other common symptoms are:

Self-focused behavior(s)

Interrupting

Trouble waiting their turn

Emotional turmoil

Fidgeting

Problems playing quietly

Unfinished tasks: struggles with multiple sequence directions

Lack of Focus

Problems with organization

Forgetfulness

And the key, symptoms in MULTIPLE settings. Meaning, your child will struggle at (example) school and home.

What this all means; we have a lot of kids struggling, and less than half receiving behavioral intervention outside of school. I encourage you to talk to your pediatrician if you think your child may have ADHD, and to communicate with the school. You will be your child’s number one advocate. This can all be scary, especially when it is new. The information can feel overwhelming, and while ADHD has a lifetime prevalence in most cases, that doesn’t mean that your child will always struggle or not be successful. It simply means, they learn differently, they need a different approach. I love the quote by Einstein, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” It is our job to help our kids thrive. To help them see their potential. To help them understand that different is not bad. To guide them through this process, be a safe place for them, and help them to the best of our abilities. Every child has potential, and just because someone is different, or struggles differently than you doesn’t mean that they are less than.  

All of this to say, we put a lot of expectations on our children. We fill their lives with “to-dos” and stifle their creativity and play time. We shorten recess at school, we overextend their extra-curricular activities, we allow them to be plugged in (often so we can tune out, ouch), and we expect them to thrive. If we want to see change in our kiddos, and we want to see them doing well and not struggling the first step is to reach out and connect with others that can help. We have to allow our children time to be human, we have to give them space to feel their feelings, and we need to find ways that help the person they actually are, not the one we want them to be. Every child can thrive, we just have to learn how to help them.

The part everyone is waiting for, practical tips:

• Routine is key. Creating and maintaining a balanced schedule really helps kiddos with ADHD thrive.

• Give them lots of reminders, and grace for when they forget (its literally part of the processing issue)… 10 minutes until we leave, 7 minutes until we leave… 5 minutes until we leave, etc.

• Break directions down into 1 thing at a time and build their tolerance. “Please get your shoes. Please put on your shoes. Please get your backpack, etc.”

• Plan ahead: lay out clothes, pack backpacks and lunches the night before, have them by the door and accessible, check for shoes/jackets and be prepared.

• Remind yourself its not personal. They aren’t doing this to you, its how their brain is wired. Yes, we can learn new ways of thinking/coping, but that takes time and practice, which means mistakes and grace.

• Lessen their load and allow them time to be creative and express themselves.

• Connect with others that have similar life situations and remember you are never alone. The statistics in themselves show how prevalent ADHD is, you don’t have to face it alone.

• Reach out and talk to someone. Find a good therapist, lean on your support network and know that you just being there, offering love and support, that is what matters most.

If you already know that your child has a diagnosis of ADHD you can reach out to a qualified therapist who can help your child behaviorally and help your family adjust. Behavioral modification can do so much for kiddos that just need a little more help, and some guidance for the family as they learn how to help their child. If you suspect your child (or yourself) is struggling with ADHD feel free to take on of the free assessments below.

Child Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-children/

Adult Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/

*Statistics taken from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html