If you are a Mother, to kids of any age, this one is for you…
I have lost countless nights of sleep due to this crippling thought process that arises as I try to close my eyes and allow myself to wake up to a new day.
Suddenly every. little. thing. I. did. wrong. Runs through my mind and I can’t escape the inevitable guilt that washes over me.
“Today I got upset… I yelled when I should have stayed calm… how can I expect them to regulate their emotions when I cant even regulate mine… did I really need to give a consequence for that… did I miss an opportunity to connect…yes, I missed a lot of opportunities to connect… I didn’t spend enough time with them… I didn’t create with them today… I didn’t do that beautiful thing that other mom does… I have to work so many hours… I don’t work outside of the home at all and don’t contribute to the home financially… my kids are missing out… I feel like I am failing them… I am failing them… I am the worst mom ever… my kids deserve so much better…”
I think you get the point. Maybe your thought process isn’t exactly the same, perhaps there are some feelings and emotions I missed, but overall, I think it captures the idea that, as mamas, we easily fall into the comparison trap and beat ourselves up. We focus on all the ways we are failing, instead of all the ways we are succeeding.
What we focus on multiplies.
Truth. Our kids just want us to be present. Even if that’s for 5 minutes a day, and they have our undivided attention. They don’t need the fanciest clothes, or newest toy (though they might get upset when they hear the word no), and they don’t need you to do everything perfectly. In fact, they need to see you mess up. They need to hear you ask for forgiveness, that’s right… you made a mistake and now you need to own it and ask them to forgive you. They need to see that we all have bad days, or make bad choices because no one is perfect, and perfection is an illusion… its something out hearts yearn for, but we will never have this side of the world. They need to see that you make mistakes because it gives them grace to make their own… everything is a learning opportunity. When you had kids, you weren’t given a manual. We are all figuring it out as we go, and the crazy part is, what works for one WILL NOT work for the other. When they see that you are not perfect, they will understand it’s okay for them not to be perfect. It’s okay to make messes, but we must learn to clean them up. It’s okay to get upset, but we shouldn’t act out when we do. It’s okay to make a mistake, but we need to find a way to correct it. Kids do NOT do what you say, they do what you do. They learn through modeled behavior. What your kids deserve is a mom who loves them fiercely and who wants what is best for them. If you are reading this, I can tell you one thing assuredly, you are a fantastic mom.
Yes, you. You are a fantastic, loving, kind-hearted, worried mom that wants to get it all right. You worry about your kids. You worry while they are at school and if they are too bored at home. You worry if they are learning enough, and if they have enough time for free-play and creativity. You worry if them hearing you say S*** will suddenly turn them into potty-mouthed punks that disrespect everyone they come across. You worry about their attitude. You worry if they are safe and if they would come to you with anything big that needed to be disclosed. You worry if they are sleeping enough and eating well. You worry if they have good friends and are making good choices. You worry about how much you worry about them, and if your worry is messing them up.
And the crazy part is, the moms who worry are the moms that are wonderful… (I am not saying if you don’t worry about all of these things you are anything less than wonderful, I am just saying that in most cases, as moms, we all tend to worry about the tiniest details, and the love is in our worry).
Mama let me tell you clearly, LOVE covers a multitude of wrongs ((slightly paraphrased) 1 Peter 4:8).
The most valuable thing I can share with you is this… create connections. If you have multiple children, take time each week, it doesn’t have to be lengthy or expensive, to spend time with them individually. Have those heart conversations. Start a journal between the two of you, you’ll be surprised what they put in it. Have 5 minutes a day of unfiltered talk time… they can say anything they need to, no consequences or judgement. Ask them open-ended questions. Take an interest in what they like, even if you can’t remember Charzard from Charmeleon, or Princess Poppy from Elsa… they love that you want to know. Encourage them, but also help them with areas in which they can grow. Its important to remember that no one is great at everything, and even our kids struggle in certain areas or have bad days. Grace goes a long way, and when all else fails, grace upon grace.
At the end of the night, regardless of how bad the day was, remember its just a bad day and not a bad life. You are not unredeemable, your kids are not unredeemable, the situation is not unredeemable. Sometimes we have to start fresh, try new ways because the old ones aren’t working. We have to be willing to admit what works and what doesn’t, and also to create healthy boundaries around our lives to build the lives we want. As mamas we are multi-tasking geniuses… we do it all and then some. But don’t forget mama, that you are important too. That your well-being, mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health matters. That you can’t pour from an empty cup and its important to be in community with others that can pour into you.
Your kids, they love you. They love that you love them, that you are there for them. That you sing to them, or play with them, or read to them… they love the little traditions you have and the rituals you create, and the truth is, they love all the little things you think no one pays attention to. They love you just as you are, exactly as you love them… and I have heard from some older-wiser mamas, that when they say they hate you; you are *actually* doing your job. So, rest easy mama, your kids are amazing because of your amazing love.
Remember mama, mom guilt is real, but so is Gods grace, and grace wins every time.