I wake up feeling feverish, but I realize that I am in a cold sweat from one of my countless nightmares. I feel engulfed with emotions, while I know that I am safe, I can’t help that my body responds in terror to the hellish scene I keep reliving. Most days it isn’t much better when I am awake. I walk around in a trance, disconnected from the world and people I was once close to. They look at me like they don’t even know who I am anymore. The truth is, I don’t even know who I am before. I know a different me existed at some point; one that wasn’t hyper-vigilant, plagued with anxiety and fear. I look around assessing everyone and every situation trying desperately not to be seen. Perhaps if I can hide from the world, I will be safe. I am sullen and depressed; my appetite is non-existent, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that self-medicating offered solace. I try so hard to keep it together, but the flashbacks are treacherous. I can be anywhere, doing anything, not even thinking about the catalyst to this hell I am living, and suddenly I am triggered. It makes no sense to me, so how will someone else make sense of it? I feel alone and misunderstood, and I am lacking depth in my connections with others. Isolation is my sweetest friend and most bitter enemy; it lures me with thoughts of acceptance, only to catapult me further into depression, anxiety and fear. I feel there is no escaping this new world in which I am a captive prisoner in my own mind. Everything aches, my body, my mind, my heart and my soul. I want to escape; I want an alternate reality, but I have no hope for a better future. I am trapped and I fear for my life every day. Others tell me to “not think about it… to think about something else. Try something new. Just forget it.” I want to scream at them, to offer them a small glimpse of my torturous mind and thoughts, but regardless of the depth of my suffering, I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone. If only I could simply forget, to go back to the way things were, but this pain, it finds me everywhere I go. It is a shadow that I long to escape, a darkness that follows me wherever I go.
PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) can develop after exposure to a traumatic event that is beyond a typical life stressor. They can include things such as violent personal assaults, combat, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents and other forms of violence. PTSD can also occur from secondary trauma; witnessing someone you love and care about be violated, face death or even seeing someone else die. Unresolved childhood trauma can manifest into symptoms of PTSD as well. Most adults will experience at least one type of traumatic event in their lives, but most do not develop PTSD. Based on current data, 3.6% of those aged 18 and older had PTSD within the last year. Females report a higher rate at 5.2%, while only 1.8% of males reported symptoms. In adult’s PTSD has a lifetime prevalence of 6.8% of the population. Out of those with symptoms 36.6% reported serious or severe symptoms, 33.1% reported moderate symptoms, and 30.2% reported mild symptoms. In adolescents (aged 13-18) 5.0% are diagnosed with PTSD and have a lifetime prevalence of 8.0% for females and 2.3% for males. 1.5% of adolescents reported severe impairment and symptoms. (www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/post-traumatic-stress-disroder-ptsd.shtml)
Symptoms of PTSD include, but are not limited to:
· Persistent frightening thoughts or memories of the event(s)
· Sleep disturbances
· Appetite disturbances
· Feeling detached or numb
· Experiencing hyper-vigilance
· Feeling easily startled
· Persistent nightmares
· Intrusive and unwanted thoughts
· Flashbacks
· Feeling easily triggered
· Somatic symptoms: headaches, upset stomach, nausea, dizziness, etc.
PTSD can gravely impair a person’s ability to function in their personal and professional lives. Symptoms typically begin within 3 months of the traumatic event but can sometimes manifest years later. The symptoms must last more than a month and be considered severe enough to impair your daily functioning to be considered PTSD. PTSD can be treated with different forms of therapy and medication. (www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/post-traumatic-stress-disroder-ptsd.shtml)
If you or someone you know is struggling with PTSD or what you believe could be PTSD, please know that you are not alone. There is help and treatment options available. Some things you can do right now to help are:
· Seek support from trusted people
· Join a support group
· Learn and integrate healthy and positive coping mechanisms
· And reaching out and accepting help.
Always remember, there is hope and there is help.
If you believe you might be struggling with PTSD feel free to do the self-reported PTSD inventory:
https://adaa.org/screening-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
If you have any thoughts of self harm or suicide please know that there is help. Go to your nearest emergency room hospital, dial 911 or contact a trusted person in your life. Reach out to a therapist and know that there is hope for a better future.