Its not just worry, its not just something I can “get over,” it engulfs me; surrounds every part of my being and makes me feel trapped. It lies to me, tells me I am no good, I am a loser, I am pathetic, I will never be normal, I will never get better. It finds a way to isolate me, to keep me from the very things that will breathe life back into me. It slowly strangles me and kills my hope for a future. I sit there, often in the dark, wondering when this torture will end. I try to remind myself I have been down this road before; I have escaped this darkness many times, but each time it feels like its new. I try to rationalize with my irrational thoughts, but that is like trying to hold water in your hands, slowly everything else seeps away and all you are left with is emptiness. You are left aching, wishing for this to end but not sure if being hopeful for a better tomorrow is simply a fantasy that will never come into fruition. Sometimes it lasts for days, sometimes moments; either way I am lost in the process. You ask me for my triggers, but I don’t always know. There are times it all makes sense, times I can feel the monumental shift and how it grows inside of me; how I can sense the darkness rising and I do everything to try to escape it… but how do you escape your mind? How do you run away from your thoughts? My body just responds physically, it does what it is supposed to do in life or death situations, only that, sitting at a coffee shop with my friends and no imminent threat or danger present is not a life or death situation. My hands tremble, I begin to sweat, my heart is racing and feels like it is literally going to burst out of my chest; is this it? Am I dying for real? I try to take a sip of my drink and then I realize what an idiot I am for having coffee, WHY did I do that? I know it only exasperates my symptoms! I begin looking around, planning my escape; I see my friends laughing and sharing in conversation, oblivious to my impending meltdown. They are going to feel sorry for me, treat me different, worry about me. They won’t want to be my friends anymore. I am so weak. My thoughts are spiraling and all I want to do is scream. I know I need to focus on grounding myself. What can I see, what can I smell… oh no, they can sense something is wrong, did she just ask me something? I smile trying to fain that everything is okay, my friend gives me a half-hearted smile in return and mumbles something… focus, what can you touch… my other friend touches my arm, I am immobilized, what are they saying? I need to get out of here. I excuse myself and head to the restroom. I look in the mirror and I can see clearly the shell of a person. My face is white, my skin is glistening from the sweat that doesn’t make any sense. I splash water on my face, I take some deep breaths and I just take a moment to collect myself….
Anxiety and Panic are real for so many people. Statistically speaking, 31.1% of adults will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, along with 31.9% of adolescents (NIMH: www.nimh.nih.gov ). Not everyone experiences severe or unexplained anxiety, and not everyone with anxiety experiences panic disorder; Anxiety manifests differently for each individual; Some can identify triggers and utilize more effective coping skills to help ease symptoms of anxiety, while others suffer in silence for years, never knowing if they ever had a time in their lives without this crippling disorder. Some common symptoms of anxiety are (NIMH: www.nimh.nih.gov):
Fatigue, sweating, restlessness, lack of concentration, intrusive and unwanted thoughts, irritability or hypervigilance, excessive worry or fear, insomnia, palpitations, nausea, etc.
You can also feel hopeless and helpless when struggling with anxiety and panic. But the situation is not hopeless, and you are not helpless. There are many forms of therapy that are beneficial in treating mild to severe forms of anxiety. Whether you are wanting to try to understand your anxiety fully and the root cause, or you are looking for something in the moment to help ease symptoms, a qualified therapist can guide you through the process and help work toward healing. Anxiety does not have to be debilitating or be a life-long struggle. Many people learn how to effectively cope and manage their anxiety. Our bodies were designed to experience anxiety in appropriate situations, and therapy can help you get back to a place where you are not experiencing unwanted and intrusive anxiety. If you are concerned you might be experiencing anxiety or panic, feel free to take this free inventory and reach out for a free phone consultation. I cannot promise you miracles, but I can promise someone who understands deeply and who will be there to help you walk through this difficult time in your life.
Assessment for adults:
https://www.gphealth.org/media/1087/anxiety.pdf
Assessment for children & adolescents:
http://www.midss.org/sites/default/files/scaredchild1.pdf (child report)
http://www.midss.org/sites/default/files/scaredparent1.pdf (parent report)
Always remember, there is hope and there is help. You can write the story you want to live.