Moments

I look back at my life and all I can do is to think of all the things I have done wrong; incomplete, let-downs, mistakes…regrets. I face my failures at every turn, and they seem to be chasing me with an ever-increasing fervency. I desire to escape the treacherous history, to leave behind the things that serve me no useful or healthy purpose, but it appears that I am forever in bondage to the pain of my past. I want so desperately to escape it, to find some hidden cave in which I can hide. Perhaps this is why I have been feeling this way for so long; my soul deeply downcast within me, overwhelming sadness and despair, a hopelessness that eludes to all-encompassing darkness. My anxiety grows within and I feel the sensation that I am falling; falling endlessly to my own ruin, death is before me and I see no hope for a future in which this pain does not exist. These moments have become my definition. Worthless, empty, broken, despised, rejected, forgotten, failure. How can anyone overcome these pits of despair? How can I see even the sliver of light people inquire of me to search for? When darkness engulfs you it is impossible to see clearly… I am searching, I am grasping, but my hope is fading as these moments threaten to overtake me. I wish not to be defined by them, but the weight they carry is a burdensome load.

We all have moments where life feels like it is more than we can bear to carry. We become trapped in our history, defined by the things that are meant to break us. We allow these thoughts to creep in, and then to plant themselves so deeply that we feel rooted and intertwined with them. We forget that light ever existed, because in the darkness you are filled with lies. Your mind is a powerful tool and it creates alternate realities rather easily. If you go to a place that is devoid of manufactured light and you stare at an object long enough, your brain can literally make you believe you are seeing things that aren’t truly there. Perhaps a tree suddenly becomes eerie in the dark; or you get the sense that you are threatened, someone must be lurking. The dark is only scary until your eyes readjust, you find light to focus on, and you realize the moment of darkness didn’t overtake you.

I know that our past often impedes on our future; it thrives when we believe the lies. We all make mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. We all fail sometimes, but you are NOT a failure. When we allow the moments to define our memories, we steal not only the present but also our hope for the future. We do not have to be held captive by moments. We can acknowledge that they happened, we can accept the lesson and move on, and we have the power to focus on the moments that matter.

Why is it that we are so very good at focusing on all the negative things in our lives? Why do we allow those things to define us so deeply? Yet we quickly forget all the good we have done, the life we desire to live, the hope we held to so tightly. I want to remind you today that you are more than those moments. You are more than the mistakes that you have made. You are more than the things you keep hidden in fear that exploring or acknowledging them means you accept them. Here is the truth, not a single person can live this life without messing up… none of us leave here unscathed. Some of us do learn to let go of the things that hold us back and keep us down; perhaps never fully, but enough to understand that moments don’t define us, we define our moments.

You have the power within yourself to not only define your moments, but to change your story. You might not be able to erase your past, but you have the ability to grow through all you’ve gone through. You can change the way you see yourself and the world around you. The moment you choose to focus on what is best for you, what is healthy for you, what you want your future to look like is the moment you have decided to let go and lean in. You lean into the things about you that you struggle with, it’s okay to accept those parts too, knowing that not a single person is without their own faults. You lean into all the good things about you, the things people admire and love, the truth that others have spoken into your life but you have always brushed off. You lean into your past and change “why did this happen” to “what can I learn.” You lean into your accomplishments just as much as you have leaned into your mistakes, and you decide what growth looks like for you.

However dark the past has been, those moments only define you if you give them the power to. Today, I want you remember that you are so much more than a single moment in your life.

Pursue your purpose

Life has a funny way of taking us down roads we never even knew existed. Sometimes those roads are twisty, bumpy and dark; they leave us with an uneasy feeling and a desire to get back to familiar pathways. Other times we are traveling on smooth, fragrant and sun-drenched roads that leave us feeling refreshed and renewed. Either way, you are in the driver’s seat.

We can’t control everything around us, more specifically, we can even admit that control is an illusion, set to trap us into thinking that perfection exists this side of heaven. Metaphorically speaking, if you were being taken down a path you do not want to be on you still get to make the choice not to be there, you can choose to leave that path. (This of course is different for survivors of abuse, there are situations that I need to make others aware of that leave a person not only feeling helpless but many times hopeless.) But when we are talking about relationships, family, friendships, our jobs, and generally our lives, we do have choices. We get to decide how we respond, what we allow, and what remains in our lives. We must choose to pursue the lives we want, to live purposefully.   

It isn’t easy to change. So many of us resist change in every possible way, but change is inevitable. And, you are better at it than you think you are. Every day is a new day, every day you make minor changes to the way you live. Whether its how you got out of bed, what you had for breakfast, the dinner you plan to make, the calls you answered… there is change in every day. You don’t even realize that. You are so used to these minute changes that they have become second nature, and you are so good at transitioning through them that they cause no distress. Sometimes our lives require bigger changes. Sometimes we realize that relationships aren’t healthy, perhaps they are even toxic. Or maybe, you realized that you just can’t continue living the way you have been. Recognizing it is the first step to change, but after that, you have to pursue the change. I have never known anyone who said, “I know I need to change the filter on our drinking water, so I will wait for it to change.” When you know the filter needs to be replaced, you change it… why? Because that’s how change happens, you take an active role in the change. While that might sound like a silly analogy, we all know its true. Many people want their lives to be different, but few people want to change to achieve the life they want.

We must choose to be purposeful in our living. To decide what we expose our hearts, minds, bodies and souls to. We must not only be aware, but active in ridding our lives of toxicity. It can manifest in the forms of relationships, in lack of self-care, in addictions and impulses; toxicity often tells you that its your fault and nothing will ever get better. But it will only stay this way as long as you allow it to. Read that again. Right now, you have the ability to change course. You have the ability to pursue a different life, one that is healthy and fulfilling. You have the ability to put an end to the toxic things in your life and set healthy boundaries. You have the ability to find peace, love and happiness. More than that, you deserve to live a life you will love. You deserve good (and healthy) things. Read that again. Regardless of what you have done in your life, the mistakes you have made, the past you can’t change, you deserve good things.

The good news is, you can make those changes now. You do not have to wait; you can literally say to yourself I am done with this road and find another. You can turn anything around. Sometimes tragedy takes us down roads that are dark too, and sometimes its okay to be in the darkness for a little while, because honestly, sometimes sitting in the darkness allows the pain to absolve and for us to gain our hope back by focusing on the sliver of light we see ahead. You do not need to feel rushed to pursue your purpose; you get to choose how to live your life and when you want to make the changes. But change begins with you. If you do not know where to start you can always reach out to someone who can walk alongside you for this journey. The beauty of this life is that each day we are given new chances. You get to decide what your journey will ultimately look like; truth, you will come across darkness, everyone does. You will hit some road bumps, everyone does. But when you pursue your purpose the only one that can stand in the way of achieving it is you.  

Declare your purpose and pursue it fervently.

Declare *your* Truth

All too often we grow in a narrative that defeats us. We have others bombarding us with lies they have created to help ease their own insecurities, and if we are not careful, those lies become our truths.

“You are selfish… You are stupid… You are such a pain… You are ugly… You are annoying… You are too much to handle… You aren’t enough… You are worthless…” You (get the point).

When in reality, “you are selfish” was because you chose to maintain a boundary that is healthy for you. “You are stupid” is because you needed assistance on something that wasn’t clear to begin with. “You are such a pain” is because you didn’t do something that wasn’t yours to do in the first place. “You are ugly” is because someone else feels threatened by you. “You are annoying,” is because you chose not to give in. “You are too much to handle” is because you decided to be authentically you, and someone doesn’t like that they can’t manipulate you anymore. “You aren’t enough” is because you aren’t meeting their needs. “You are worthless” is because someone else is choosing to tear you down instead of owning up themselves.

We can go on listening to these lies, we can internalize them and make them into who we are… we can allow others’ voices to be louder than the truth, but that is still a decision you are making. You will always believe their lies until you learn to declare your own truth. The truth is, we all have faults. Period. Perfection doesn’t exist in this world, and though our hearts were created for it, we will not obtain it here. We will make mistakes, we will mess up, we will struggle with life sometimes… but those struggles don’t define us, the strength in the battle does. The ability to rise above, the ability to look fervently for the truth and rewrite our own narrative, and the ability to see clearly that someone elses thoughts and opinions have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us.

I believe in the saying, “hurt people hurt people…” but I also believe that healed people can love others genuinely and help them find their healing. We make the choice to accept these truths. We make the choice to listen to these voices. We make the choice to continue living in our own personal hell instead of turning toward the truth. We make the choices. You can choose at any time that you deserve more. That you deserve better. That you are worthy of being loved and loved on. You are. Yes. It is hard to believe or fathom, but you are worthy. You are dearly loved and deeply valued, and you have a purpose. While you have struggled with this mess for long enough, you can choose to allow it to become a message. The choice is yours every single day. Each day you choose to say “I will not stand for this anymore,” and each day you make a healthy choice for you, it will become easier, and the lies you have lived for so long will no longer have a fierce grip on you; they will not be able to defeat you as easily. Rewriting your narrative won’t be simple, it will take time, patience, perseverance and mistakes. Some days will be easier than others, but all days will be better than living the lies.

Even if you can say that sometimes you are the things others have said you are, defining yourself by them is not healthy or helpful. You can choose to find the truth you need to catapult you into change. You can take what is necessary and leave what is needless and create a story you will love to live.

Today you have a choice, you can continue in old patterns and allow these lies to fill your heart and mind, or, you can choose to rise above them and find hope and healing in the truth. You are more than enough and never too much. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are here because you have a purpose only you can fill. You are magnificent and beautiful, altogether lovely. You are irreplaceable. You are royalty and you deserve to have people in your life that will remind you of reality, not fill you with lies. The sad part is hurt is perpetuated because of their own lies, but you must make the decision to fill your heart and mind with truths. You don’t always need to walk away from people who have hurt you, especially if they are important to you, but learning to have healthy boundaries and set limits is crucial to your well-being. Toxicity threatens to overtake and its important to remember that toxic environments only allow us to grow when we remove ourselves far enough to see the strength, we needed to rise above them.

One day you will look back and remember feeling all of this. One day you will know how strong you were and how much stronger you became by declaring your own truth. One day you will have rewritten your narrative and you will no longer be filled with these lies that weigh so heavily on your heart. You are more than this situation, you are more than this trial, you are more than this season, you are more than these lies. You get to declare your own truth, and there will be beauty from the ashes of the life you left to create the life you want.

Codependency: The need to be needed.

“I just want to help…” “Whatever I can do to make your life easier…” “If you did it this way, things would be better…” “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” “I don’t want to talk about it.” “You wouldn’t understand anyway…” “When you behave like that it makes us look bad.” “I feel so sorry for you, what can I do to make things better?”

Have you ever been at the receiving end of these statements, or maybe you have been the one to use them? Not everyone who says these things is codependent, but often, codependency looks like this. For those who are struggling with codependency it might not seem like a bad thing. Generally, you feel like you truly care and love others, you want to be there for them in any way you can. You would drop everything to help someone you love. You feel guilty asserting yourself. Maybe you struggle with trusting yourself and others fully, and your fear of being alone or closed out of the relationship keeps you from identifying and expressing your feelings. You have difficulty making decisions so its easier to just allow the person you love to make them. But codependency is also a need for control; a struggle with insecurity and a struggle with being honest with yourself and others. Codependency creates an unhealthy dependence on relationships. It increases feelings of guilt, anger, and the need for approval and recognition. You can become easily hurt when others do not validate your love for them and all that you do.

At the root of codependent behavior is typically a struggle with poor self-image and low self-esteem. This could have, and often does develop in the childhood/adolescent years and tends to be more prevalent for those who grew up in a home where substance use/abuse occurred. In dysfunctional families, “problems” (of any kind) are not addressed, let alone acknowledged. All the attention goes to the identified problematic person/behavior and often this is when survival mode takes place. The “healthy” individual learns to repress their needs, their emotions and understands that it is more important to shut down and avoid confrontation than it is to deal with the problematic behavior. They learn to detach themselves and become caretakers; Their mantra becomes, “I can fix you… I can rescue you.” This belief system creates an unhealthy balance and resentment when those they love do not meet their expectations. It also creates a deeper dependency on the unhealthy care-taking ability. When one way doesn’t work, the codependent will look internally and blame themselves for the lack of change in others, and therefore try multiple ways to maintain their rescuing abilities. They also often struggle with feeling like chameleons in their relationships, every-changing to meet the needs and satisfy those they do life with. They have a desperate need to be needed and being needed validates their care-taking efforts which often leads to compulsive behaviors. This can leave them feeling like they have no choice but to take care of others and like they are helpless in their situations; although they create their own dynamics, they become victims and struggle to see why no one loves as much as they do.

Codependency is a learned behavior and is often multi-generational. It is both emotional (what the person internalizes) and behavioral (how they interact with the world around them). It makes maintaining healthy relationships extremely difficult, and those who are codependent often struggle with feelings of mutual satisfaction. Codependents often form and maintain relationships that are one-sided, in that they have a clear giver (the codependent) and taker. They run the risk of being in abusive relationships because they desire so deeply to help others and make a difference. Their intentions are good, but their relationships are unhealthy. The good news is that if you or someone you know is struggling with this, there is hope and help. You can connect with a qualified mental health professional and address these concerns. Many times, those who are struggling with codependency take a long time (or someone else saying something) to recognize that they are struggling. It is important to know that your feelings do matter, they are important, and no one should always have to give while others always take. Once we acknowledge and understand unhealthy behavior, we can begin to educate ourselves on the process of healing. It will take a lot of change and growth, there will be times the process hurts, but you will break the cycle by addressing the core issue- we were never meant to save people. Those who struggle with codependency do want to make the world a better place, they often want to save others from the hurt they endured (but have repressed), and they desire to be genuinely good people. What they do not realize is, a person has to want to change to do so, and those they tend to form relationships with maintain the dysfunctional lifestyle without ever recognizing the problem; this not only perpetuates the dysfunction, it creates a stronger dependency on the codependent behavior.

If you are reading this today and are thinking to yourself, “I do want to fix people, I do want to save people from hurt, heartache and disappointment… I know how to help them… I can make a difference…” then I want you to understand, that was never meant to be your role. It is not your job to save or rescue, you can’t fix anyone, they have to “fix” themselves, and it is okay to give yourself permission not to continue in these unhealthy patterns. It is exhaustive trying to be everything for everyone. Your tank will remain empty, your heart will remain broken, and you will always be reaching for the next bar, the next achievement, the next “fix.” Healthy relationships do not exist with two unhealthy people; unbalanced relationships are unhealthy. When you have someone who is always giving, and someone who is good at taking, the dynamic will be unhealthy, regardless of how “healthy” any one of those members feels. Trust me when I say, codependency only leads to heartache if it is not resolved. The need to be needed feels good, but that can only satisfy for so long. Learning that your worth is inherent, that you are good without sacrificing yourself and who you are, and coming to a place of trust with yourself releases you to build and maintain lasting and healthy relationships. It allows you to see that you do not need to be needed, but that you have specific giftings that allow you to touch peoples lives in healthy ways. You can still be there for people, you can still choose who and when to help, and you always have been a good person, but you do not need to continue neglecting your own needs to attempt to make and keep others happy. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve to live a life you love.

Take the free quiz below to see if you are struggling with codependency:

https://www.codependencynomore.com/codependency-quiz-2/

Suicide: what we all need to know.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. It brings up all types of feelings. Those who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideation often feel like the world would be a better place without them. They report feeling like a burden to others and that they have no value. Many report feeling guilty that they continue to feel the way they feel, and worry about bothering others. They feel like they have no value, like their life doesn’t matter and that nothing will ever get better. This is especially true for those struggling with long-term mental illness. The people who love those with these thoughts often struggle to understand why “they can’t just get better,” or believe that, “thinking about suicide is selfish…”

Those who struggle with thoughts of suicide or suicidal behaviors/attempts often feel self-loathing, they are plagued by negative thoughts and often truly feel like they have no purpose. The pain becomes unbearable. Death becomes and option when it is more enticing than living through the constant hell inside their minds.

It is important to remind them they are NOT a burden, they are NOT unloved, and they are NOT unworthy. That we will be there for them, no conditions.

We still have a long way to go, especially within the church and mental health, but it all begins with one person having an honest conversation. Mental illness is real, and there are situations (suicide included) that people are in need of specific types of care; Mental health professionals that are trained to help and connect people with the proper resources. It is time we open a conversation and learn the facts, saving lives starts with understanding.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among the youth (ages 10-34) in our nation. The United States ranks number 27 out of all the countries for completed suicides; This includes those countries where they must report assisted suicide in their numbers. It is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and there are more than two times the amount of suicides (47,173) than homicides (19,510) recorded in the span of a year.  

Suicide does not discriminate. These thoughts can creep up on anyone, and no one is exempt. There are some common risk factors, that include, but are not limited to:

·         Previous suicide attempts

·         History of substance abuse

·         Physical disability or illness

·         Losing someone close to you by suicide

·         Exposure to bullying (including cyber-bullying)

·         Having a mental health condition/illness

·         Recent death of a family member or friend

·         Access to harmful means

·         Relationship problems

·          

It is important for us to pay attention, not only to those we love, but to all those around us. People who are suicidal often do not appear suicidal to others. Suicide doesn’t have a “face.” It can be all of us. There are some “typical” warning signs which can include the following:

·         Negative view of self

·         Hopelessness and helplessness

·         Isolation

·         Aggressiveness and irritability

·         Possessing lethal means

·         Feeling like a burden

·         Drastic mood change or change in behavior

·         Frequently talking about death

·         Self-harm

·         Engaging in “risky behaviors”

·         Making funeral arrangements

·         Substance abuse

·         Making suicide threats.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are cared for, loved, valued and cherished. The world needs you. You are important. I know that right now, in the darkness, it is difficult to see the light, but I can promise that there will be someone to walk alongside you as you look to see it again.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

We can all help. We have to know the signs for suicide, we can reach out and stay involved with friends that we know struggle or suddenly withdraw, we need to be willing to have a conversation about it, we can be direct and ask the hard questions, and if you think someone is suicidal stay with them, listen to them and take them seriously. You can help them get help by connecting them with the crisis line, or if they are in imminent danger you can call 911. It is important to remember that you are not alone, your friend or loved one (or stranger that you are trying to help) is not alone. We all want the world to be different, we just have to be willing to be the change. It starts with us. Every life matters because we all have a purpose. You are needed. You are loved. You are important.

Statistics taken from:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml

Parenting Preteens

Parenting is both one of the most difficult and one of the most rewarding jobs of our lives. We go through seasons as a parent, and each season brings both welcomed and unwelcome changes. Whatever season you are in, please know that being in community with others in your season makes such a huge difference. There are times it can feel like you are all alone, times when you think “Has anyone ever dealt with this?!?!” and then you meet someone who has, and the whole world makes sense again.

Today I want to focus on Parenting for Preteens. I think this is a delicate group of kiddos, and we need to be mindful that we have important jobs and roles in their lives during this season. This is a time of change for them. Typically, they start middle school (which means changing schools), they often change friend groups, they change or become more concrete in their interests, their bodies change, their emotions fluctuate, they are trying to make sense of the world in an entirely new context. Suddenly children are thrown into social media, “Because everyone has one MOOOOMMMM” (my (unpopular) opinion is that kids/preteens and even some teens do not need social media. It tends to have more negative consequences than positive gains) and they become fixated on a world presented as perfect. This age group also experiences an increase in anxiety and depression, and several other mental health concerns (like eating disorders, OCD/OCPD, body dysmorphia, etc). We still see them as our babies, but their world is not in the least bit infantile anymore.

The number one thing to remember is that their emotions matter. Their feelings matter. Why, because their perception IS their reality. What they believe is real, regardless of how much you want them to believe its not. When we negate their feelings, or make it seem like they are inconsequential, we are really conveying, “you are not important to me, your feelings don’t matter to me.” I know that is not at all what you are wanting to convey. I know that it can be stressful to listen to all the “little things,” but if we don’t listen to the things, we think are little, they certainly will not tell us the things we think are big. Everything they share with you is of importance. We might feel like they have nothing to worry about, stress over, or be upset about, but the reality is, they do. The reality is, they are humans and they have the same complex emotions adults do, often with far less effective coping skills and difficulty trying to process it all. They look to us to see what they should do. That does not mean that you throw all boundaries out of the window, of course they still need to maintain their values and morals, but what it means is that maybe you allow them 5 minutes (or more, depending on what you feel is appropriate) a day where they can share with you unfiltered. I mean that, UNFILTERED. No judgments, no consequences, no talking on your end… just listen. You will be surprised as to what you hear and how much this builds trust in your relationship.

The next important thing you can do to foster a healthy relationship with them is to set aside special time with them. Maybe your kiddo likes to grab Starbucks every now and then, go, it will mean so much to them. Maybe you can go shopping together or do something they thoroughly enjoy doing. Listen to music together, create something together, watch a movie or show together, really anything is great, as long as you are together and building your relationship. You can even save up for things together, so you are setting goals and making them a priority.

Lastly, it is important to remember to choose your battles wisely. Think about how you want to be spoken to and cared for. When you are escalated, their attitude will escalate as well. When you are upset, angry, frustrated, yelling or tuning them out, you are teaching them to do the same thing. Remember, they do what you do, not what you say. They will make mistakes, we all do. They will learn and grow through them if you allow them to. It is your job to walk alongside them and provide a safe haven, to be a place of solace in all the craziness they will experience. When we are overly critical, harsh or judgmental we are modeling that those behaviors are acceptable and that they really aren’t safe to come to you. We want to be clued in and aware of what is going on in their world, but if we get defensive and angry with them all the time, we are just pushing them away, not pulling them closer.

The overall goal is to be a mindful parent. You won’t be perfect because perfection is a lie, but every time you honestly try, they will see it. When you make a mistake and ask for forgiveness you are teaching them vulnerability, trust, mercy and forgiveness. When you go to them and genuinely show an interest in them and what they like, you are modeling healthy relationships. Our kids need us, even though they are more independent and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, they need us to model for them what a healthy individual looks like. A healthy individual has boundaries, they know their role(s) and they utilize their skills to best fill them, they reach out when they need help, they stay in community and connection with like-minded people, they are always looking for opportunities to grow, they participate in things that fill their lives with joy, they make mistakes, they apologize, they feel sad or anxious sometimes, they need rest. A healthy individual is the best thing we can model for our children because we know that behavior is cyclical, they will do what you do. I don’t know about you, but I have never felt at my best when someone is angry with me, yelling at me, or making me feel less than. In fact, when that happens, I tend to turn away from that person because no one wants to be treated that way, EVEN if they are in the wrong. Constructive criticism is built on a trusting foundation and it requires people to be kind and gentle in the midst of offering something that will benefit and allow the other to make a gain. If someone comes to me and reminds me how hard I work and how dedicated I am, and then they offer me great advice on how I can be more efficient with my time so I am not so stressed, I am much more likely to lean in and trust that person. Why? Because I know they have my best interest at heart.

Today, regardless of what has happened, look that precious baby (that’s not a baby anymore) in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Affirm all the good you see. Remind them why they are important to you. Fill them with love and build your relationship on that foundation. No one can change the past, but we can surely navigate our current situations to be different and positive, and we can create the story we want to live together. If you are in a place of brokenness with your preteen remember that change starts within. When they see you making a genuine effort (and it might take longer than you’d like), they will eventually turn toward you again. We can’t wait for them to change their behaviors; we must be willing to model that change first. I know there will be hard days, days it seems impossible, days you want to crawl under a rock and hide (or eat lots of chocolate in a closet), but I promise, like everything else in the world, this too shall pass. Take a step back, breathe, allow yourself to be in a good place and then try again. They need to know that you will not give up on them, and that your love is unconditional.