Pursue your purpose

Life has a funny way of taking us down roads we never even knew existed. Sometimes those roads are twisty, bumpy and dark; they leave us with an uneasy feeling and a desire to get back to familiar pathways. Other times we are traveling on smooth, fragrant and sun-drenched roads that leave us feeling refreshed and renewed. Either way, you are in the driver’s seat.

We can’t control everything around us, more specifically, we can even admit that control is an illusion, set to trap us into thinking that perfection exists this side of heaven. Metaphorically speaking, if you were being taken down a path you do not want to be on you still get to make the choice not to be there, you can choose to leave that path. (This of course is different for survivors of abuse, there are situations that I need to make others aware of that leave a person not only feeling helpless but many times hopeless.) But when we are talking about relationships, family, friendships, our jobs, and generally our lives, we do have choices. We get to decide how we respond, what we allow, and what remains in our lives. We must choose to pursue the lives we want, to live purposefully.   

It isn’t easy to change. So many of us resist change in every possible way, but change is inevitable. And, you are better at it than you think you are. Every day is a new day, every day you make minor changes to the way you live. Whether its how you got out of bed, what you had for breakfast, the dinner you plan to make, the calls you answered… there is change in every day. You don’t even realize that. You are so used to these minute changes that they have become second nature, and you are so good at transitioning through them that they cause no distress. Sometimes our lives require bigger changes. Sometimes we realize that relationships aren’t healthy, perhaps they are even toxic. Or maybe, you realized that you just can’t continue living the way you have been. Recognizing it is the first step to change, but after that, you have to pursue the change. I have never known anyone who said, “I know I need to change the filter on our drinking water, so I will wait for it to change.” When you know the filter needs to be replaced, you change it… why? Because that’s how change happens, you take an active role in the change. While that might sound like a silly analogy, we all know its true. Many people want their lives to be different, but few people want to change to achieve the life they want.

We must choose to be purposeful in our living. To decide what we expose our hearts, minds, bodies and souls to. We must not only be aware, but active in ridding our lives of toxicity. It can manifest in the forms of relationships, in lack of self-care, in addictions and impulses; toxicity often tells you that its your fault and nothing will ever get better. But it will only stay this way as long as you allow it to. Read that again. Right now, you have the ability to change course. You have the ability to pursue a different life, one that is healthy and fulfilling. You have the ability to put an end to the toxic things in your life and set healthy boundaries. You have the ability to find peace, love and happiness. More than that, you deserve to live a life you will love. You deserve good (and healthy) things. Read that again. Regardless of what you have done in your life, the mistakes you have made, the past you can’t change, you deserve good things.

The good news is, you can make those changes now. You do not have to wait; you can literally say to yourself I am done with this road and find another. You can turn anything around. Sometimes tragedy takes us down roads that are dark too, and sometimes its okay to be in the darkness for a little while, because honestly, sometimes sitting in the darkness allows the pain to absolve and for us to gain our hope back by focusing on the sliver of light we see ahead. You do not need to feel rushed to pursue your purpose; you get to choose how to live your life and when you want to make the changes. But change begins with you. If you do not know where to start you can always reach out to someone who can walk alongside you for this journey. The beauty of this life is that each day we are given new chances. You get to decide what your journey will ultimately look like; truth, you will come across darkness, everyone does. You will hit some road bumps, everyone does. But when you pursue your purpose the only one that can stand in the way of achieving it is you.  

Declare your purpose and pursue it fervently.

Declare *your* Truth

All too often we grow in a narrative that defeats us. We have others bombarding us with lies they have created to help ease their own insecurities, and if we are not careful, those lies become our truths.

“You are selfish… You are stupid… You are such a pain… You are ugly… You are annoying… You are too much to handle… You aren’t enough… You are worthless…” You (get the point).

When in reality, “you are selfish” was because you chose to maintain a boundary that is healthy for you. “You are stupid” is because you needed assistance on something that wasn’t clear to begin with. “You are such a pain” is because you didn’t do something that wasn’t yours to do in the first place. “You are ugly” is because someone else feels threatened by you. “You are annoying,” is because you chose not to give in. “You are too much to handle” is because you decided to be authentically you, and someone doesn’t like that they can’t manipulate you anymore. “You aren’t enough” is because you aren’t meeting their needs. “You are worthless” is because someone else is choosing to tear you down instead of owning up themselves.

We can go on listening to these lies, we can internalize them and make them into who we are… we can allow others’ voices to be louder than the truth, but that is still a decision you are making. You will always believe their lies until you learn to declare your own truth. The truth is, we all have faults. Period. Perfection doesn’t exist in this world, and though our hearts were created for it, we will not obtain it here. We will make mistakes, we will mess up, we will struggle with life sometimes… but those struggles don’t define us, the strength in the battle does. The ability to rise above, the ability to look fervently for the truth and rewrite our own narrative, and the ability to see clearly that someone elses thoughts and opinions have everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us.

I believe in the saying, “hurt people hurt people…” but I also believe that healed people can love others genuinely and help them find their healing. We make the choice to accept these truths. We make the choice to listen to these voices. We make the choice to continue living in our own personal hell instead of turning toward the truth. We make the choices. You can choose at any time that you deserve more. That you deserve better. That you are worthy of being loved and loved on. You are. Yes. It is hard to believe or fathom, but you are worthy. You are dearly loved and deeply valued, and you have a purpose. While you have struggled with this mess for long enough, you can choose to allow it to become a message. The choice is yours every single day. Each day you choose to say “I will not stand for this anymore,” and each day you make a healthy choice for you, it will become easier, and the lies you have lived for so long will no longer have a fierce grip on you; they will not be able to defeat you as easily. Rewriting your narrative won’t be simple, it will take time, patience, perseverance and mistakes. Some days will be easier than others, but all days will be better than living the lies.

Even if you can say that sometimes you are the things others have said you are, defining yourself by them is not healthy or helpful. You can choose to find the truth you need to catapult you into change. You can take what is necessary and leave what is needless and create a story you will love to live.

Today you have a choice, you can continue in old patterns and allow these lies to fill your heart and mind, or, you can choose to rise above them and find hope and healing in the truth. You are more than enough and never too much. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are here because you have a purpose only you can fill. You are magnificent and beautiful, altogether lovely. You are irreplaceable. You are royalty and you deserve to have people in your life that will remind you of reality, not fill you with lies. The sad part is hurt is perpetuated because of their own lies, but you must make the decision to fill your heart and mind with truths. You don’t always need to walk away from people who have hurt you, especially if they are important to you, but learning to have healthy boundaries and set limits is crucial to your well-being. Toxicity threatens to overtake and its important to remember that toxic environments only allow us to grow when we remove ourselves far enough to see the strength, we needed to rise above them.

One day you will look back and remember feeling all of this. One day you will know how strong you were and how much stronger you became by declaring your own truth. One day you will have rewritten your narrative and you will no longer be filled with these lies that weigh so heavily on your heart. You are more than this situation, you are more than this trial, you are more than this season, you are more than these lies. You get to declare your own truth, and there will be beauty from the ashes of the life you left to create the life you want.

Codependency: The need to be needed.

“I just want to help…” “Whatever I can do to make your life easier…” “If you did it this way, things would be better…” “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” “I don’t want to talk about it.” “You wouldn’t understand anyway…” “When you behave like that it makes us look bad.” “I feel so sorry for you, what can I do to make things better?”

Have you ever been at the receiving end of these statements, or maybe you have been the one to use them? Not everyone who says these things is codependent, but often, codependency looks like this. For those who are struggling with codependency it might not seem like a bad thing. Generally, you feel like you truly care and love others, you want to be there for them in any way you can. You would drop everything to help someone you love. You feel guilty asserting yourself. Maybe you struggle with trusting yourself and others fully, and your fear of being alone or closed out of the relationship keeps you from identifying and expressing your feelings. You have difficulty making decisions so its easier to just allow the person you love to make them. But codependency is also a need for control; a struggle with insecurity and a struggle with being honest with yourself and others. Codependency creates an unhealthy dependence on relationships. It increases feelings of guilt, anger, and the need for approval and recognition. You can become easily hurt when others do not validate your love for them and all that you do.

At the root of codependent behavior is typically a struggle with poor self-image and low self-esteem. This could have, and often does develop in the childhood/adolescent years and tends to be more prevalent for those who grew up in a home where substance use/abuse occurred. In dysfunctional families, “problems” (of any kind) are not addressed, let alone acknowledged. All the attention goes to the identified problematic person/behavior and often this is when survival mode takes place. The “healthy” individual learns to repress their needs, their emotions and understands that it is more important to shut down and avoid confrontation than it is to deal with the problematic behavior. They learn to detach themselves and become caretakers; Their mantra becomes, “I can fix you… I can rescue you.” This belief system creates an unhealthy balance and resentment when those they love do not meet their expectations. It also creates a deeper dependency on the unhealthy care-taking ability. When one way doesn’t work, the codependent will look internally and blame themselves for the lack of change in others, and therefore try multiple ways to maintain their rescuing abilities. They also often struggle with feeling like chameleons in their relationships, every-changing to meet the needs and satisfy those they do life with. They have a desperate need to be needed and being needed validates their care-taking efforts which often leads to compulsive behaviors. This can leave them feeling like they have no choice but to take care of others and like they are helpless in their situations; although they create their own dynamics, they become victims and struggle to see why no one loves as much as they do.

Codependency is a learned behavior and is often multi-generational. It is both emotional (what the person internalizes) and behavioral (how they interact with the world around them). It makes maintaining healthy relationships extremely difficult, and those who are codependent often struggle with feelings of mutual satisfaction. Codependents often form and maintain relationships that are one-sided, in that they have a clear giver (the codependent) and taker. They run the risk of being in abusive relationships because they desire so deeply to help others and make a difference. Their intentions are good, but their relationships are unhealthy. The good news is that if you or someone you know is struggling with this, there is hope and help. You can connect with a qualified mental health professional and address these concerns. Many times, those who are struggling with codependency take a long time (or someone else saying something) to recognize that they are struggling. It is important to know that your feelings do matter, they are important, and no one should always have to give while others always take. Once we acknowledge and understand unhealthy behavior, we can begin to educate ourselves on the process of healing. It will take a lot of change and growth, there will be times the process hurts, but you will break the cycle by addressing the core issue- we were never meant to save people. Those who struggle with codependency do want to make the world a better place, they often want to save others from the hurt they endured (but have repressed), and they desire to be genuinely good people. What they do not realize is, a person has to want to change to do so, and those they tend to form relationships with maintain the dysfunctional lifestyle without ever recognizing the problem; this not only perpetuates the dysfunction, it creates a stronger dependency on the codependent behavior.

If you are reading this today and are thinking to yourself, “I do want to fix people, I do want to save people from hurt, heartache and disappointment… I know how to help them… I can make a difference…” then I want you to understand, that was never meant to be your role. It is not your job to save or rescue, you can’t fix anyone, they have to “fix” themselves, and it is okay to give yourself permission not to continue in these unhealthy patterns. It is exhaustive trying to be everything for everyone. Your tank will remain empty, your heart will remain broken, and you will always be reaching for the next bar, the next achievement, the next “fix.” Healthy relationships do not exist with two unhealthy people; unbalanced relationships are unhealthy. When you have someone who is always giving, and someone who is good at taking, the dynamic will be unhealthy, regardless of how “healthy” any one of those members feels. Trust me when I say, codependency only leads to heartache if it is not resolved. The need to be needed feels good, but that can only satisfy for so long. Learning that your worth is inherent, that you are good without sacrificing yourself and who you are, and coming to a place of trust with yourself releases you to build and maintain lasting and healthy relationships. It allows you to see that you do not need to be needed, but that you have specific giftings that allow you to touch peoples lives in healthy ways. You can still be there for people, you can still choose who and when to help, and you always have been a good person, but you do not need to continue neglecting your own needs to attempt to make and keep others happy. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve to live a life you love.

Take the free quiz below to see if you are struggling with codependency:

https://www.codependencynomore.com/codependency-quiz-2/

Suicide: what we all need to know.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

Suicide is a difficult topic to discuss. It brings up all types of feelings. Those who struggle with suicidal thoughts and ideation often feel like the world would be a better place without them. They report feeling like a burden to others and that they have no value. Many report feeling guilty that they continue to feel the way they feel, and worry about bothering others. They feel like they have no value, like their life doesn’t matter and that nothing will ever get better. This is especially true for those struggling with long-term mental illness. The people who love those with these thoughts often struggle to understand why “they can’t just get better,” or believe that, “thinking about suicide is selfish…”

Those who struggle with thoughts of suicide or suicidal behaviors/attempts often feel self-loathing, they are plagued by negative thoughts and often truly feel like they have no purpose. The pain becomes unbearable. Death becomes and option when it is more enticing than living through the constant hell inside their minds.

It is important to remind them they are NOT a burden, they are NOT unloved, and they are NOT unworthy. That we will be there for them, no conditions.

We still have a long way to go, especially within the church and mental health, but it all begins with one person having an honest conversation. Mental illness is real, and there are situations (suicide included) that people are in need of specific types of care; Mental health professionals that are trained to help and connect people with the proper resources. It is time we open a conversation and learn the facts, saving lives starts with understanding.

Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among the youth (ages 10-34) in our nation. The United States ranks number 27 out of all the countries for completed suicides; This includes those countries where they must report assisted suicide in their numbers. It is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and there are more than two times the amount of suicides (47,173) than homicides (19,510) recorded in the span of a year.  

Suicide does not discriminate. These thoughts can creep up on anyone, and no one is exempt. There are some common risk factors, that include, but are not limited to:

·         Previous suicide attempts

·         History of substance abuse

·         Physical disability or illness

·         Losing someone close to you by suicide

·         Exposure to bullying (including cyber-bullying)

·         Having a mental health condition/illness

·         Recent death of a family member or friend

·         Access to harmful means

·         Relationship problems

·          

It is important for us to pay attention, not only to those we love, but to all those around us. People who are suicidal often do not appear suicidal to others. Suicide doesn’t have a “face.” It can be all of us. There are some “typical” warning signs which can include the following:

·         Negative view of self

·         Hopelessness and helplessness

·         Isolation

·         Aggressiveness and irritability

·         Possessing lethal means

·         Feeling like a burden

·         Drastic mood change or change in behavior

·         Frequently talking about death

·         Self-harm

·         Engaging in “risky behaviors”

·         Making funeral arrangements

·         Substance abuse

·         Making suicide threats.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are cared for, loved, valued and cherished. The world needs you. You are important. I know that right now, in the darkness, it is difficult to see the light, but I can promise that there will be someone to walk alongside you as you look to see it again.

If you need to talk to someone right now, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) to speak with someone that can help, or text HELLO to 741741.

We can all help. We have to know the signs for suicide, we can reach out and stay involved with friends that we know struggle or suddenly withdraw, we need to be willing to have a conversation about it, we can be direct and ask the hard questions, and if you think someone is suicidal stay with them, listen to them and take them seriously. You can help them get help by connecting them with the crisis line, or if they are in imminent danger you can call 911. It is important to remember that you are not alone, your friend or loved one (or stranger that you are trying to help) is not alone. We all want the world to be different, we just have to be willing to be the change. It starts with us. Every life matters because we all have a purpose. You are needed. You are loved. You are important.

Statistics taken from:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml

Parenting Preteens

Parenting is both one of the most difficult and one of the most rewarding jobs of our lives. We go through seasons as a parent, and each season brings both welcomed and unwelcome changes. Whatever season you are in, please know that being in community with others in your season makes such a huge difference. There are times it can feel like you are all alone, times when you think “Has anyone ever dealt with this?!?!” and then you meet someone who has, and the whole world makes sense again.

Today I want to focus on Parenting for Preteens. I think this is a delicate group of kiddos, and we need to be mindful that we have important jobs and roles in their lives during this season. This is a time of change for them. Typically, they start middle school (which means changing schools), they often change friend groups, they change or become more concrete in their interests, their bodies change, their emotions fluctuate, they are trying to make sense of the world in an entirely new context. Suddenly children are thrown into social media, “Because everyone has one MOOOOMMMM” (my (unpopular) opinion is that kids/preteens and even some teens do not need social media. It tends to have more negative consequences than positive gains) and they become fixated on a world presented as perfect. This age group also experiences an increase in anxiety and depression, and several other mental health concerns (like eating disorders, OCD/OCPD, body dysmorphia, etc). We still see them as our babies, but their world is not in the least bit infantile anymore.

The number one thing to remember is that their emotions matter. Their feelings matter. Why, because their perception IS their reality. What they believe is real, regardless of how much you want them to believe its not. When we negate their feelings, or make it seem like they are inconsequential, we are really conveying, “you are not important to me, your feelings don’t matter to me.” I know that is not at all what you are wanting to convey. I know that it can be stressful to listen to all the “little things,” but if we don’t listen to the things, we think are little, they certainly will not tell us the things we think are big. Everything they share with you is of importance. We might feel like they have nothing to worry about, stress over, or be upset about, but the reality is, they do. The reality is, they are humans and they have the same complex emotions adults do, often with far less effective coping skills and difficulty trying to process it all. They look to us to see what they should do. That does not mean that you throw all boundaries out of the window, of course they still need to maintain their values and morals, but what it means is that maybe you allow them 5 minutes (or more, depending on what you feel is appropriate) a day where they can share with you unfiltered. I mean that, UNFILTERED. No judgments, no consequences, no talking on your end… just listen. You will be surprised as to what you hear and how much this builds trust in your relationship.

The next important thing you can do to foster a healthy relationship with them is to set aside special time with them. Maybe your kiddo likes to grab Starbucks every now and then, go, it will mean so much to them. Maybe you can go shopping together or do something they thoroughly enjoy doing. Listen to music together, create something together, watch a movie or show together, really anything is great, as long as you are together and building your relationship. You can even save up for things together, so you are setting goals and making them a priority.

Lastly, it is important to remember to choose your battles wisely. Think about how you want to be spoken to and cared for. When you are escalated, their attitude will escalate as well. When you are upset, angry, frustrated, yelling or tuning them out, you are teaching them to do the same thing. Remember, they do what you do, not what you say. They will make mistakes, we all do. They will learn and grow through them if you allow them to. It is your job to walk alongside them and provide a safe haven, to be a place of solace in all the craziness they will experience. When we are overly critical, harsh or judgmental we are modeling that those behaviors are acceptable and that they really aren’t safe to come to you. We want to be clued in and aware of what is going on in their world, but if we get defensive and angry with them all the time, we are just pushing them away, not pulling them closer.

The overall goal is to be a mindful parent. You won’t be perfect because perfection is a lie, but every time you honestly try, they will see it. When you make a mistake and ask for forgiveness you are teaching them vulnerability, trust, mercy and forgiveness. When you go to them and genuinely show an interest in them and what they like, you are modeling healthy relationships. Our kids need us, even though they are more independent and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, they need us to model for them what a healthy individual looks like. A healthy individual has boundaries, they know their role(s) and they utilize their skills to best fill them, they reach out when they need help, they stay in community and connection with like-minded people, they are always looking for opportunities to grow, they participate in things that fill their lives with joy, they make mistakes, they apologize, they feel sad or anxious sometimes, they need rest. A healthy individual is the best thing we can model for our children because we know that behavior is cyclical, they will do what you do. I don’t know about you, but I have never felt at my best when someone is angry with me, yelling at me, or making me feel less than. In fact, when that happens, I tend to turn away from that person because no one wants to be treated that way, EVEN if they are in the wrong. Constructive criticism is built on a trusting foundation and it requires people to be kind and gentle in the midst of offering something that will benefit and allow the other to make a gain. If someone comes to me and reminds me how hard I work and how dedicated I am, and then they offer me great advice on how I can be more efficient with my time so I am not so stressed, I am much more likely to lean in and trust that person. Why? Because I know they have my best interest at heart.

Today, regardless of what has happened, look that precious baby (that’s not a baby anymore) in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Affirm all the good you see. Remind them why they are important to you. Fill them with love and build your relationship on that foundation. No one can change the past, but we can surely navigate our current situations to be different and positive, and we can create the story we want to live together. If you are in a place of brokenness with your preteen remember that change starts within. When they see you making a genuine effort (and it might take longer than you’d like), they will eventually turn toward you again. We can’t wait for them to change their behaviors; we must be willing to model that change first. I know there will be hard days, days it seems impossible, days you want to crawl under a rock and hide (or eat lots of chocolate in a closet), but I promise, like everything else in the world, this too shall pass. Take a step back, breathe, allow yourself to be in a good place and then try again. They need to know that you will not give up on them, and that your love is unconditional.

Kids and ADHD

With school being in full swing again, we see a lot of kiddos struggling to keep up with the demands of the classroom. I mean, lets talk about that for a second. We expect our children to not only go to school, but be told what to do all day (every day), to sit still, focus on activities that do not engage the way most of them learn, and be a shining citizen while we are at it. Not to mention, the schedules are INSANE! My kids wake up at 5:30 am (my daughter needs her time in the morning, no joke) and get dropped off by 730 and 8:00 am. They don’t officially get home until 3:30 pm, at which point they have already been awake for 10 hours. Factor in another hour (at least) of homework and by the time they are done its basically dinner, showers, reading/story and bed.

Can you thrive under those circumstances? I know I am tired, and I can’t imagine how they are feeling.

The bigger picture that needs to be considered here is the idea that no two children are alike, and yet we place them all in the same categories when it comes to school. General education or special education. Kiddos that have specific learning disabilities, are in need of behavioral interventions, or have diagnoses like ADHD are all in the special education category. Meaning, they somehow receive services and interventions that help them learn to the best of their ability.  Current studies indicate that 9.4% of school-aged children have a diagnosis of ADHD, broken down that looks like this:

388,000 children ages 2-5

Approximately 2.4 million children ages 6-11

& Approximately 3.3 million children ages 12-17

Out of those children it is reported that nearly 2 out of 3 also have a co-occurring mental health disorder, 1 out of 2 have a behavioral or conduct problem and 1 out of 3 experience some form of an anxiety disorder.

Currently it is reported that 62% of those with a diagnosis of ADHD take medication and 47% are receiving behavioral treatment.

Let’s talk symptoms, typically males are diagnosed with ADHD in far greater frequency than females. The reason for this could be that there are different combinations of ADHD, and males typically exhibit the more overt symptoms like hyperactivity, while females tend to struggle more with talking excessively. Some other common symptoms are:

Self-focused behavior(s)

Interrupting

Trouble waiting their turn

Emotional turmoil

Fidgeting

Problems playing quietly

Unfinished tasks: struggles with multiple sequence directions

Lack of Focus

Problems with organization

Forgetfulness

And the key, symptoms in MULTIPLE settings. Meaning, your child will struggle at (example) school and home.

What this all means; we have a lot of kids struggling, and less than half receiving behavioral intervention outside of school. I encourage you to talk to your pediatrician if you think your child may have ADHD, and to communicate with the school. You will be your child’s number one advocate. This can all be scary, especially when it is new. The information can feel overwhelming, and while ADHD has a lifetime prevalence in most cases, that doesn’t mean that your child will always struggle or not be successful. It simply means, they learn differently, they need a different approach. I love the quote by Einstein, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” It is our job to help our kids thrive. To help them see their potential. To help them understand that different is not bad. To guide them through this process, be a safe place for them, and help them to the best of our abilities. Every child has potential, and just because someone is different, or struggles differently than you doesn’t mean that they are less than.  

All of this to say, we put a lot of expectations on our children. We fill their lives with “to-dos” and stifle their creativity and play time. We shorten recess at school, we overextend their extra-curricular activities, we allow them to be plugged in (often so we can tune out, ouch), and we expect them to thrive. If we want to see change in our kiddos, and we want to see them doing well and not struggling the first step is to reach out and connect with others that can help. We have to allow our children time to be human, we have to give them space to feel their feelings, and we need to find ways that help the person they actually are, not the one we want them to be. Every child can thrive, we just have to learn how to help them.

The part everyone is waiting for, practical tips:

• Routine is key. Creating and maintaining a balanced schedule really helps kiddos with ADHD thrive.

• Give them lots of reminders, and grace for when they forget (its literally part of the processing issue)… 10 minutes until we leave, 7 minutes until we leave… 5 minutes until we leave, etc.

• Break directions down into 1 thing at a time and build their tolerance. “Please get your shoes. Please put on your shoes. Please get your backpack, etc.”

• Plan ahead: lay out clothes, pack backpacks and lunches the night before, have them by the door and accessible, check for shoes/jackets and be prepared.

• Remind yourself its not personal. They aren’t doing this to you, its how their brain is wired. Yes, we can learn new ways of thinking/coping, but that takes time and practice, which means mistakes and grace.

• Lessen their load and allow them time to be creative and express themselves.

• Connect with others that have similar life situations and remember you are never alone. The statistics in themselves show how prevalent ADHD is, you don’t have to face it alone.

• Reach out and talk to someone. Find a good therapist, lean on your support network and know that you just being there, offering love and support, that is what matters most.

If you already know that your child has a diagnosis of ADHD you can reach out to a qualified therapist who can help your child behaviorally and help your family adjust. Behavioral modification can do so much for kiddos that just need a little more help, and some guidance for the family as they learn how to help their child. If you suspect your child (or yourself) is struggling with ADHD feel free to take on of the free assessments below.

Child Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-children/

Adult Assessment:

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-adults/

*Statistics taken from: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/data.html

Back to school: Child and Youth Mental Health

Back to school can be an extremely stressful time for all children, even more so for those who struggle with mental health. It can create and complicate anxiety, depression, phobias, and  more. Childhood mental health is crucial, and while we have made progress, we are far from “having it right.” So many of our youth today hear things like, “what do you have to be stressed about?” “Just suck it up and stop whining…” “its all in your head.” Reaching out for help isn’t even an option for many, because when they have made attempts, they have been immediately shut down. School counselors are over-crowded, often with hundreds of students to one counselor. Teachers are not properly trained, and parents are often ill-equipped; they don’t know where to turn for help or they think their child should have perfect days.

Our kids are faced with so many pressures. Social roles, grades, extra-curricular activities, home lives, siblings, friendships, and more. Yet they are often expected to never be tired (or act as if they are), to never have bad moods (because, I mean let’s face it, bad moods are unacceptable), and to always do their best. But what if their best is simply making it through the day? What if their genuine best was having that meltdown instead of retreating internally and feeling like they just want to die?

1 in 5 children/youth will or currently have a serious mental health diagnosis. Most lifetime cases begin by the age of 14. The sad part is, they typically go an average of 8 to 10 years without intervention or treatment.

We must do better.

Statistically speaking, 20% of our youth live with a mental health condition, 11% have mood disorders (like depression), 10% have a behavioral disorder, and 8% have anxiety disorders. In our youth, aged 10-24, suicide is the THIRD (3rd) leading cause of death, and 90% of those who died by suicide had an underlying mental illness.

We MUST do better.

Of course, there are warning signs or symptoms, including but not limited to:

Feeling sad or withdrawn (2 weeks+)

Sudden and overwhelming fear

Intense worry that gets in the way of daily activities

Drastic changes in behavior

Difficulty concentrating or staying still

Severe mood swings

If you notice any of these, or even a change in your child that is not normal for them or their character, talk to them. Even if you don’t know what to say, just being present and supportive is crucial to them. You can say things like:

I am here to listen.

Do you want to share with me?

What can I do to help right now?

You are not alone.

You can talk to their pediatrician or primary care provider who can give you referrals. You can seek help from a mental health professional/therapist. You can work with their school and you can look to connect with other families.

Childhood mental health is important and our kids and youth face more than many of us could ever understand. Many of them carry the burdens of their home, schools, peers and more on their shoulders. They are going through major life transitions and they do not know where to turn, or that there is help. Mental illness is treatable. Suicide is preventable. We can do better for our kids and teach them that emotions are normal, that its okay to struggle but its not okay to get stuck. We can teach them that they have a voice and they are important. That their struggles are real and matter. We can show them that we are there for them and help them through the darkness. Our kids and youth deserve to be heard and loved, regardless of what they might have going on emotionally. They deserve to have people in their corners who are supportive and understanding and will help them help themselves. They deserve to know that, even the darkness doesn’t last forever, because just as the sun sets every evening, it also rises every morning.

Child/Youth Anxiety scale:

https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/ScaredChild-final.pdf

Child/Youth Depression Scale:

https://depts.washington.edu/dbpeds/Screening%20Tools/PHQ9.pdf

https://cesd-r.com/

*Statistics taken from:

https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/Infographics/Children-MH-Facts-NAMI.pdf

Giants

The story of David and Goliath is one most people are familiar with. Believer, or not, I think it is a story that resonates with most who have experienced trials, hardships, and have had to face the giants in their  own lives. We want to find hope in the story of the little shepherd boy; overlooked by his own father, discounted and devalued for his meager stature. We want to see that if someone who stood no chance at all, not only defeated but rose in victory against his giant, we have hope for doing the very same things. David faced his giant head on. He did not come well-equipped with multiple weapons, tools and techniques. He had one. One trusted tool that would serve him well. He knew that he was capable. He believed in his ability. Of course, from a faith perspective, he knew that the one who was going before Him would be the one to truly fight the battle. He knew that with God on his side, there was nothing he couldn’t do.

Perhaps you are a believer and this story is one you find comfort and solace in. Perhaps the one you go to in your darkest times is the Lord, and you know that He goes before you and walks beside you. For those of you who are not believers, there is still hope in this story for you. The story comes down to one person who had the biggest giant of his life to face. It is the tale of one man, with a tiny rock (one effective and healthy coping skill), that would save his life. It reminds us that we do not need to be the biggest, strongest, or even the healthiest to overcome our giants, we just need to believe we can and trust in the process. Sometimes we need to turn to someone who can help us figure out what a healthy tool is. Sometimes we need someone in our corner rooting for us, believing in us, and helping us believe in ourselves.

In the United states alone, 43.8 million adults experience mental illness in a given year, that is 1 out of every 5 adults. Nearly 1 in 25 (or 10 million) of those with mental illness live with a severe or serious diagnosis; out of those, one-half will see symptoms as early as age 14, and three-quarters will be diagnosed by the age of 24. Nearly 60% of adults do not receive treatment or help for their mental illness. Children and teens also struggle, with 1 in 5 being diagnosed with a serious mental illness, 20% of our youth struggle. 50% of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by the age of 14, and suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in our youth aged 10-24. (https://www.nami.org/NAMI/media/NAMI-Media/Infographics/Children-MH-Facts-NAMI.pdf ). Mental illness is a huge giant many of us face. In the midst of our struggles we often feel alone, misunderstood, rejected, and as though no one could ever understand. There is fear in reaching out and asking for help. Shame for struggling and feeling this way. So many of us have been told to “just snap out of it… to stop feeling this way… and to just try harder.” But mental illness is not something you can just push aside. It is a giant that, when left ignored, just gets bigger.

The good news, it is a giant you can learn to defeat.

While many people live with chronic mental illness, 80% of those who received help, or 8 out of 10 people, report feeling better with treatment (www.scottmiller.com). Treatment looks different for everyone. For some it is a few sessions with a qualified therapist, learning some new coping skills and healthy techniques to manage your life better. For others it is seeing a therapist and possibly evaluating if medication can help relieve symptoms. Some people utilize solution focused therapy, coming for 6-8 sessions and finding resolution and restoration. Others utilize therapy for longer periods of time and dive deeper into the origin of their symptoms. There is no right or wrong way. But having someone on your side who will help you in the deepest trenches can make all the difference in how you feel. Therapy is not for the weak, it is for the strong; those who want to rewrite their stories and live a life they will love. Vulnerability is not weakness either, it is strength, courage and bravery. To face your giant, you have to understand your own limitations, and then learn how to capitalize on your strengths. Whatever personal giant you are facing, please know that there is hope and there is help. You are not alone, and there will always be someone rooting for you in your corner.

*If you or someone you know is struggling, feel free to take a screening at

https://screening.mentalhealthamerica.net/screening-tools

It's all of us

Its you, its me, its all of us. When we talk about mental health, we aren’t talking about “the crazies” or the “abnormal(s),” still not entirely certain what the definition of those two categories are anyway; we are talking about every single person. Just like we are all either physically healthy or unhealthy, we are all either mentally healthy or unhealthy. There is so much to be said for those who seek help, who want to change their lives for the better, who talk about the hard stuff. That takes courage, it takes vulnerability, it takes strength. Struggling is not synonymous with weakness; we all struggle. Weakness is our inability to recognize the struggle as universal and change the way we interface with it.

We are all faced with difficulties at some point in our lives. It is not a matter of “if,” it is a matter of “when.” But we can no longer allow those situations to define us. We must fight for our mental health. We must take care of ourselves mentally in the same way we strive to care for ourselves physically.

The definition of Mental Health is as follows:

“According to the World Health Organization (WHO), mental health is “a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community”

(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov )

In other words, to be considered ‘mentally healthy’ one must not have impaired functioning in any area of their lives. Normal stressors include but are not limited to, work, home commitments and social engagements, money, even health… Normal is considered anything within your usual realm, outside of that we can conclude that you are out of the norm and therefore subjected to additional stressors which could require further help or assistance.

Whether you are dealing with a chronic mental health disorder, whether you recently experienced a stressful or traumatic situation and are dealing with residual effects, or whether you find yourself  just wanting to change your story you have a right to be heard, understood and validated. Your feelings matter. Reaching out and asking for help is never easy; going down the road of unpacking your story can be painful, but also incredibly beautiful. You can’t change what has already happened, and you can’t control the future, but you can change your perception. You have the ability to write a story you will love, to live a life you will love. You can choose today to begin your new journey and do something you have yet to do. Even a small step in the right direction is better than inaction. It is often said, “your speed doesn’t matter, forward is forward.” Reach out to someone, connect, take time to breathe, go on that trip you’ve always wanted to, spend time outside, read a good book, allow yourself time to rest, enjoy your favorite food, and always know that everyone deserves to have a good therapist to talk to. Your mental health is worth it, and you are worth investing in.  

Depression

I am fatigued; it appears as though I will be eternally drained of any substantial amount of energy. I feel like a shell of myself; either angry or sad, no true peace exists. It is almost as though there is a part of me looking at this person, the one that exists now, grieving the person that used to be. Waves of emotion hit me and wash over me leaving me debilitated. I yearn for connection but do not have the power to reach out. Others look at me with pity, they believe this is something I can just “snap out of,” if only they knew how draining this was. There are days I wish I didn’t exist at all; days I wish I were dead; it would be easier for everyone. No one would have to feel compelled to check on me, or to see if I am okay; no one would have to feel obligated. But I don’t even have the energy to follow through with that. When I do force myself to go out or socialize, I am immediately overwhelmed. I plaster a fake smile on my face, I mutter “fine” to just about everything, and all I can think about is how awful and broken I feel. I am no longer me, but this is what I have been reduced to. All hope is gone, I ache everywhere; I have no appetite and no desire to even follow through with my basic care and needs. I am drowning in a pool of my emotions and no one can save me.

Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders and effects 17.3 million adults in the U.S, as well as 2.3 million adolescents (www.nimh.nih.gov ). It typically involves depressed mood, appetite disturbance, sleep disturbance, loss of interest in typical activities, low energy, difficulty concentrating and questioning self-worth. Depression is also often linked to suicidal ideation and attempts. Not everyone experiences depression at the same magnitude and there are variations in diagnoses. The important thing to remember is that depression isolates you, and isolation leads to more severe symptoms. It is difficult to fight against it, to find the energy to do the things your brain is telling you and convincing you not to do. But reaching out, connecting, letting someone know you are not okay is the way to help, hope and healing. Everyone experiences sadness or depressed mood; grief and loss can often be at the root of depression. For women factors such as, hormones, recent pregnancy or birth and history of depression all play a key role in getting the type of help you need. Depression has a genetic component and there are several ways to receive help. If you feel that you are struggling with mild to moderate depression reach out to someone who can help. Contact a qualified therapist to give you the tools you need to take back your life. If you are struggling with severe symptoms and have thoughts of suicide with intent to follow through, please go to your nearest emergency room hospital or call 911. Please do not find a permanent solution to a temporary problem. While it may feel as though all hope is lost and there will never be help, you can find relief from your symptoms. There are people who truly care about you and want to help you write a story you will love. It might take some time, but you can get there.

If you feel that you might be struggling with depression, feel free to take the assessment below:

Adults:

https://screening.mentalhealthamerica.net/screening-tools/depression

Adolescents:

https://www.psycom.net/depression-test/

 Children:

https://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/childrens-depression-checklist

Always remember, there is hope and there is help. You can write a story you will love.

Anxiety

Its not just worry, its not just something I can “get over,” it engulfs me; surrounds every part of my being and makes me feel trapped. It lies to me, tells me I am no good, I am a loser, I am pathetic, I will never be normal, I will never get better. It finds a way to isolate me, to keep me from the very things that will breathe life back into me. It slowly strangles me and kills my hope for a future. I sit there, often in the dark, wondering when this torture will end. I try to remind myself I have been down this road before; I have escaped this darkness many times, but each time it feels like its new. I try to rationalize with my irrational thoughts, but that is like trying to hold water in your hands, slowly everything else seeps away and all you are left with is emptiness. You are left aching, wishing for this to end but not sure if being hopeful for a better tomorrow is simply a fantasy that will never come into fruition. Sometimes it lasts for days, sometimes moments; either way I am lost in the process. You ask me for my triggers, but I don’t always know. There are times it all makes sense, times I can feel the monumental shift and how it grows inside of me; how I can sense the darkness rising and I do everything to try to escape it… but how do you escape your mind? How do you run away from your thoughts? My body just responds physically, it does what it is supposed to do in life or death situations, only that, sitting at a coffee shop with my friends and no imminent threat or danger present is not a life or death situation. My hands tremble, I begin to sweat, my heart is racing and feels like it is literally going to burst out of my chest; is this it? Am I dying for real? I try to take a sip of my drink and then I realize what an idiot I am for having coffee, WHY did I do that? I know it only exasperates my symptoms! I begin looking around, planning my escape; I see my friends laughing and sharing in conversation, oblivious to my impending meltdown. They are going to feel sorry for me, treat me different, worry about me. They won’t want to be my friends anymore. I am so weak. My thoughts are spiraling and all I want to do is scream. I know I need to focus on grounding myself. What can I see, what can I smell… oh no, they can sense something is wrong, did she just ask me something? I smile trying to fain that everything is okay, my friend gives me a half-hearted smile in return and mumbles something… focus, what can you touch… my other friend touches my arm, I am immobilized, what are they saying? I need to get out of here. I excuse myself and head to the restroom. I look in the mirror and I can see clearly the shell of a person. My face is white, my skin is glistening from the sweat that doesn’t make any sense. I splash water on my face, I take some deep breaths and I just take a moment to collect myself….

Anxiety and Panic are real for so many people. Statistically speaking, 31.1% of adults will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives, along with 31.9% of adolescents (NIMH: www.nimh.nih.gov  ). Not everyone experiences severe or unexplained anxiety, and not everyone with anxiety experiences panic disorder; Anxiety manifests differently for each individual; Some can identify triggers and utilize more effective coping skills to help ease symptoms of anxiety, while others suffer in silence for years, never knowing if they ever had a time in their lives without this crippling disorder. Some common symptoms of anxiety are (NIMH: www.nimh.nih.gov):

Fatigue, sweating, restlessness, lack of concentration, intrusive and unwanted thoughts, irritability or hypervigilance, excessive worry or fear, insomnia, palpitations, nausea, etc.

You can also feel hopeless and helpless when struggling with anxiety and panic. But the situation is not hopeless, and you are not helpless. There are many forms of therapy that are beneficial in treating mild to severe forms of anxiety. Whether you are wanting to try to understand your anxiety fully and the root cause, or you are looking for something in the moment to help ease symptoms, a qualified therapist can guide you through the process and help work toward healing. Anxiety does not have to be debilitating or be a life-long struggle. Many people learn how to effectively cope and manage their anxiety. Our bodies were designed to experience anxiety in appropriate situations, and therapy can help you get back to a place where you are not experiencing unwanted and intrusive anxiety. If you are concerned you might be experiencing anxiety or panic, feel free to take this free inventory and reach out for a free phone consultation. I cannot promise you miracles, but I can promise someone who understands deeply and who will be there to help you walk through this difficult time in your life.

Assessment for adults:

https://www.gphealth.org/media/1087/anxiety.pdf

Assessment for children & adolescents:

http://www.midss.org/sites/default/files/scaredchild1.pdf (child report)

http://www.midss.org/sites/default/files/scaredparent1.pdf (parent report)

Always remember, there is hope and there is help. You can write the story you want to live.