Reacting vs. Responding: The Difference Between a Reactive or Proactive approach

All too often in therapy, people come in because they have exhausted all other efforts and feel that therapy is their last hope. They have expended all their energy, tried every way they can think of, and they continue in the same patterns of behavior or cycles. This level of exhaustion is incredibly harmful for the client, and of course, difficult for the clinician to navigate. In this scenario, we are dealing with a reactive approach and must be very wise in how we proceed because mindset matters, and what we think becomes our reality. When we begin to believe the negative voices in our heads, or maybe even the toxic voices of others in relationships that are harmful, we are filled with lies, doubt, fear, anxiety, depression, angst, frustration and more.  We question our own reality and often begin to wonder what we did to “deserve this,” or why this continues happening.

On the contrary, some clients come in because they want to work on effective communication. They feel like life is going well, their relationships are generally good, and they want to utilize therapy as a check point and gain additional tools to maximize how they live their lives. Often these clients have already done previous work, and they understand how detrimental it can be when they don’t take a proactive approach.

As a therapist, I can tell you, the former is much more typical than the latter. And completely normal. Most of us grew up with an emotional deficit of some sort. Very few people were taught the emotional tools to step back, assess and then respond. In fact, what we see often in couples, or marriage counseling is listening to respond(which is a reaction), rather than listening to understand(which is a response). This differentiation is so important, because when we listen to respond, we aren’t actually hearing or understanding and therefore we continue the “cycle of crazy,” many feel stuck in.

Let’s talk a little more about Reactive responses. Reactive responses come from a place of dysregulation. Generally, when we react to something we are in our emotional or survival brain, and in that space, the primary function is safety at any cost. So, when someone says something like, “I would really just appreciate more grace from you, I am tired.” We might react by saying something like, “I’m tired too! I can’t believe that you always make me feel like I don’t matter.” The listener in this scenario is reacting by trying to validate their initial response to something. This reaction says, “It doesn’t matter what I said/how I treated you, or that you are tired, that’s not an excuse.” What is really happening is the listener feels unsafe, so to create distance (which is generally not the thing anyone wants in relationships) they resort to competition style language to validate themselves.  In this situation, there is no healthy resolution (at this time). Regardless of the conversation beforehand, the reactionary response will generally illicit a reaction from the other person, and therefore we continue in the “crazy cycle.” Reactions generally take longer to work through, are harder to navigate because there is high level of emotions involved and is often a recreation of family of origin patterns.

Proactive responses, on the other hand, look a little different. Take the above scenario for example. In a proactive situation, the listener might respond with something like, “I appreciate you sharing that you are tired, and I would love to discuss your definition of grace and how I might be able to extend that to you. That being said, we have discussed this particular situation several times, and when it continues happening, I feel like my wants and needs do not matter. It makes me feel dismissed and that is hurtful to me. How can we also address this?”  The listener validated the speakers concerns, came up with a plan to define what grace means so they both have a clear understanding, and shared how they feel using “I” statements. They also addressed the issue of a pattern in a loving way. And approached the problem with a team mentality. Another way to be proactive is to pay attention to our own emotional responses and the responses of others. If the listener felt overwhelmed or felt as though the speaker is not in a receptive place, they might say something like, “I appreciate your sharing that with me, why don’t we take some time to (rest, relax, eat (fill in the blank)) and circle back around to this when we are both feeling better.”

It is important to remember that no one is a perfect communicator, we will all have times when we feel triggered and simply react (emotionally) rather than respond (thoughtfully). Communication is something we all must work on, and it requires effort. If one person is always the one to be proactive with no change from the other person, then we need to assess the healthiness of that relationship and sustainability. In your own life, if you feel flooded with emotions, overwhelmed or dysregulated, it might be a sign that you are operating in reactive mode and survival brain. Take some time to look for patterns in your language, thoughts, relationships, and life situations and talk to someone you trust about it. Sometimes it’s hard to gain insight when we are in the midst of it, so having an outsider perspective can help get us back on track.

Simply put, reactions (high level of emotions) generally lead to bigger reactions. Proactive choices (thoughtful/logical) generally provide insight and awareness and usher healthy change. We will also react instead of responding sometimes, and again, that’s normal. But if we all take accountability for our own responses and what we will allow in our lives, we can move toward a more proactive life and truly enjoy writing a story we will love. Nothing will ever be perfect, but it can be perfectly imperfect.

Surviving and Thriving the Holiday Hustle and Bustle

What if the hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer? What if you are struggling with feeling constantly on edge, guilty for not doing or being enough, and struggling to fit it all in? What does it look like to question the notion of the “do-all and be-all,” instead of questioning our own worth?

I don’t know about you, but, so often I lay in bed at night, and I recount the day. I think about all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed, all the things I should have done or could have done. I struggle to fall asleep because my mind always wants to remind me of my shortcomings. Anxiety does this to us, the difference is now I recognize those intrusive thoughts and the buzzing feel as an intruder, not as me. So how do I combat that? Sometimes easily- sometimes I can tell myself that I did my best and remind myself of all the victories that day. Sometimes I can look back and realize that my kids enjoyed the moments, or that I am projecting my own insecurities onto them, but they don’t actually feel that way. Sometimes I see all the effort made and recognize that is what matters. Other times I fall into the guilt and shame trap. Then I vow to do better and find myself being performance based until I can’t keep running at the pace, I have set for myself. Looking back, I always manage to see that it was my anxiety spurring me on, but there is no point in lying and telling you that I always recognize it in the moment. Even when you’ve done all the hard work, and even when you continue doing the hard work, there are still times where you will fall or struggle. The truth is its part of the human condition. We all go through things; the goal is to turn that going into growing. To stop beating ourselves up so much and instead to recognize all the good we have done and continue to do. I don’t mean that we should have an inflated sense of self, just an accurate depiction of who we truly are. 

You are so many things- wonderful, amazing, talented, smart, kind, loving, capable. You are uniquely you, and even when you fail, you will be the only you there ever is. Sometimes being ourselves will be enough for others, sometimes it won’t ever be enough- we need to learn to distinguish between healthy and toxic relationships, and how to stop allowing others or our own destructive thoughts to tear us down. It is okay for us to not do it all, or to not be it all- I think we all need to read that multiple times. In fact, it’s not healthy to think that you can do it all or be it all for anyone or everyone, and yet that is what we so often do. Especially this time of the year. When the expectations are even higher than normal and we want to fit in as much as we possibly can, and we are stressed to the max and barely managing to keep it all together, but “sure I can do that for you… yes, we would love to come…. How can I help?” It is okay for you to say no. Let me say that again, it is okay for you to say no. It is okay for you to say yes- yes to rest, yes to self-care, yes to something that brings you joy, yes to help. What if instead of trying to cram everything into every day we simply enjoyed the moments the day brings? What if we focus on the things that truly matter to us? 

I don’t know at what point we decided that we needed to live these hectic lives but just for today, I just want you to stop.

I want you to close your eyes, take a deep breath, feel the air go into your lungs and then exhale all that worry, stress, fear, and perceived failure. 

I want you to remind yourself that you are enough, you have done enough, and you can’t ever do more when you are busy beating yourself up. 

What if you let go of all those unrealistic expectations you have of yourself, or the ones that were placed onto you? What if you decided to take each day as a new opportunity to love yourself well, and to love others? What if you chose today to stop living in the shadow of expectations and not be weighed down by all the hustle and bustle? There is no perfect way to do life, but there are infinite right ways, and leaning into who you are and accepting that we all have limitations is part of living a fulfilled and healthy life. You don’t have to do it all or be it all- you never did, and once we embrace that, we can lean into doing what we can and being who we were always meant to be. 

The hustle and bustle doesn’t come with guaranteed holiday cheer, in fact it usually comes with headaches, heartaches and stress. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change it, and it only takes recognition and desire. Today, focus on what truly matters to you and let go of anything and everything else. Choose to stop, breathe, reflect and move forward confidently knowing that you are enough and being enough has never been measured by doing enough. 

Some practical self-care tools:

Practice deep breathing (in through your nose for 5, hold for 6, exhale from your mouth for 7)

Do something that brings you joy

Spend time in nature

Connect with people that bring you joy

Utilize your senses: light a candle, try a new food or a food you love, take a warm bath or shower, look at lights, cozy up with a warm soft blanket.

Parenting and Pandemics, Oh My.

It’s safe to say that the world we are living in now is very different from the world we knew, for many, even just a month ago. We have gone from over-crowded schedules to trying to figure out what to do with our time.

Our kids are no exception to this.

We have taught our children from early on to glorify busy. The more you do, the more that is on the calendar, the more you are involved in, the better life is. The truth is, many of us (myself included), often prayed for time. That time would slow down. That we would have more time with our children and family, that we would have more time to accomplish (fill in the blank).

Time is not our problem. What we find important is.

Our children are learning to navigate this in the same way you are, only they have a limited understanding of all that is taking place. If your home is anything like mine, we do not have cable, I do not watch the news (I check one news source daily online and limit my own exposure), and the only information the kids have is the information they overhear from us or that we share with them. But they are scared. They are worried. They are anxious. They are sad. They are dysregulated.

Their entire worlds have been flipped upside down and we are wondering why we see more behaviors, more acting out, more tantrums, more distancing or isolation… we question why they are responding this way, but are we taking the time to truly ask?

We are busy checking in with family, friends, neighbors… many of us even check in with community pages to see what needs we can help meet, but how many of us are checking in with our kids?

The reason I say time is not our problem is that we choose how to spend our time. Yes, schedules have changed. Our kids are not in school, many of us are home (more or all the time) and we are trying to fill our time. But what if we took that time and filled it with teaching our kids some healthy skills?

First: Connection. Do a daily check-in, ask the important questions. Teach them that they are allowed to have feelings and that their feelings matter. But also teach them that it isn’t okay to take your feelings out on others.

Implement a calm down area: put pillows, bean bags, blankets, sensory/fidget toys, play-doh, kinetic sand, stress balls, art supplies, books, journals, puzzles, pool noodles (to hit pillows/soft things when angry) and stuffed animals in the area. You can even put a “punching bag” or something it is okay to hit.

Your kids are ALLOWED to have emotions, and they will. They will have feelings. We all do. Feelings are normal. But you have a unique opportunity right now to teach them that feelings are not facts. That they can feel what they need to feel but they do not have to let those feelings control them. This is why the calm down area is great. You are teaching them self-regulation. It’s okay to be mad, frustrated, sad, lonely, anxious (etc), it is not okay to hit your sibling, yell at someone, throw something, lock yourself in a room (etc). When they are feeling overwhelmed, they can go to the calm down area (have a timer in there to help them with keeping time), and when they are ready, they can return to their normal activities.

Second: Affirmation(s). When you ask your children questions about how they are feeling, affirm their feelings. Remind them that its normal to be feeling a lot of different things right now and that they are not alone. Explain that feelings are not facts and sometimes our feelings lie to us, they tell us things like “Nothing will ever get better,” but we know that is a distortion (thinking in absolutes (all or nothing thinking). Remind them that it can feel that way, but we know that eventually things will change, and things will get better.

Five questions to ask:

1.      How can I help you?

2.      What do you need?

3.      What would make you feel better?

4.      Are you hungry, tired or bored?

5.      Have you been creative, active, and helpful? And have you had any quiet time to rest your body and mind?

These questions require them to think, process and give answers that provide insight into their emotions. If they respond, “I don’t know…” you can always follow up with, “That sounds really frustrating, can I help you figure it out, or would you like some time to think about it?”

Third: Resolution(s). No one likes feeling dysregulated, especially children. They often become frustrated because they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling. Or they are afraid that it will upset you when they tell you how they are feeling.

Offer 5 minutes of unfiltered talk time. During this time, you cannot judge, criticize, comment or  offer feedback. They get to say whatever they need to say without consequence(s). At first this will feel odd, but it will open up healthy lines of communication and allow your children a safe space to be heard and understood. When the time is up you can follow up with, “Thank you for sharing all of that. Is there anything I can help you with that you would like to talk about more?” This way you are not only modeling active listening skills, but you are also providing them with the ability to ask for help when needed or to be autonomous and figure their own solutions.

Fourth: Empathy. Modeling empathy for our children looks like us leaning into the difficult conversations or utilizing our playtime to engage them to express their feelings.

Puppets, stuffed animals or dolls are great for role play, and when utilized often do not face the same barriers a face-to-face conversation would. When children are playing it is much easier for them to portray how they are feeling. If your children are too old for this type of play, you can always ask them to play their new favorite song for you or write a short story/poem or comic strip about a character who is going through pandemic life. It will give you great insight and allow you to connect with them on an entirely new level.

Once you are aware of how they are feeling, help them understand that these feelings are normal. You can share how you are feeling too, just make sure to convey that this is about them. “I am so sorry that you are going through this. I imagine this must be very scary for you. I am here if you want to talk more about it. I don’t know exactly how you are feeling, but there are times (insert role) mommy is scared too, so I know it is not fun to feel this way. I am always here if I can help in any way. Do you want to talk about some of the things that scare you?”

Remember, empathy is about connection and understanding someone’s feelings. It is not about feeling sorry for that person, or even knowing exactly how they feel. It is you trying to put yourself into their shoes. As adults, we don’t know exactly how they are feeling. This is the first time in my life that I have ever experienced anything like this, and I am an adult. I imagine this must be very scary and frustrating to our youth, especially all of those who are missing major life events because of it.

At the end of the day, the best thing we can do for our kids is show them that we CARE (connection, affirmation, resolution and empathy). It is not about having all the tools and techniques, though they are helpful. It is not about having all the answers, because no one does. It is about caring for them and how they are feeling. Showing them that we are there for them and allowing them space to feel and process. Our kids see how we are responding to all of this and they learn through modeled behavior. When you are taking care of yourself and them, they will see its okay to feel their feelings, but that their feelings to not need to dictate how they live.

Surviving and THRIVING this Holiday Season

The Holidays are upon us. People everywhere, busy schedules, endless lists of things to do, sugar everywhere and the idea that we all have to be merry and jolly while we hustle and bustle through the season.

Holidays often bring a sense of dreariness for various reasons, and I want to touch on those a bit today. Whether you recently lost a loved one, are missing someone who has been gone for a while, had a recent relationship end, struggle with social anxiety (or any form of anxiety), are battling depression, live with OCPD or you just generally know that the holidays bring out the worst in the people you need to see and spend time with, I want you to know its okay to feel the way you are feeling.

There are so many expectations placed on us this time of year. Getting the perfect gifts (if you celebrate the holidays), meeting up with your mother and your brother and every other undercover… wait, no, that’s a song… but, you get the point. Everyone is demanding something from you, and maybe you barely have the energy to make it through the day, let alone be of good cheer. Our families can also bring up a sense of mixed emotions…Some of us are celebrating without people we love, or we have broken families, complicated family situations, people who do not ever get along… and yet we are set to spend copious amounts of time with them (insert exasperated sigh here).

If you are finding yourself feeling any of these ways this season, I want you to know, first and foremost you are not alone. There is no right way to celebrate the season, or to enjoy the holiday. Some of us are creating new traditions or trying to keep intact old ones even when nothing is the same. Some of us are grieving, the physical or emotional loss of someone we once loved. Some of us are having to remind ourselves to breathe. I want to give you some practical tips on how you can, not only survive, but thrive this season.

1.      Make this a season of importance to you. Whatever that looks like. Do things you love, fill your time with things you desire to do (as long as they are healthy) and be okay with others not understanding your need to do these things.

2.      Create new traditions. They don’t have to be elaborate or extensive, they can be simple but incredibly life-giving.

3.      Set out to do something for someone else daily. Again, it doesn’t need to be big, but doing good for others makes you feel better too. It can be leaving a note, sending a text, writing an encouraging letter, tucking a $5 bill into a book at target, paying for someone in line behind you, or delivering secret gifts… we each have different abilities, but one thing we have in common is our ability to do good.

4.      Breathe. SERIOUSLY. Right now, I want you to stop and breathe. I want you to put your hands on your tummy (that’s what should be moving, not your chest!) and inhale for 5, hold it for 6 and exhale for 7… repeat that 3 times and do it as much as you can throughout this season.

5.      Remind yourself that you are not responsible for how others feel or what they do or say. Honestly, I know you want to take credit for things, we all do… but the only thing you get to take credit for is what you say and do, how you behave. Kindness is contagious, and while we have all heard the expression that hurt people hurt people, I believe in the positivity of healed people heal people.

6.    It doesn’t need to be grand to be great.

7.      You have permission to rest. To recharge. To refuel. To do things that fill your cup. Practice 5 minutes of self-care daily. It doesn’t need to cost money… self-care can look like setting and keeping healthy boundaries, reading a book or watching a show, taking a bath,  or going for a walk.

8.      Take care of yourself mentally (its okay to talk to someone… in fact, its highly recommended and typically yields great results, physically (even if its going for a 5 minute walk), emotionally (know your limits and maintain your boundaries) and spiritually (remind yourself what the season is all about).

9.      Make lists (and check them twice). Making lists gets everything out of our heads so we are not as consumed with all the “to-dos.” It allows us to organize things and be practical about how we approach them.

10.  Lastly, (because we saved the best for last!) check in with yourself. Are you sleeping enough? Eating well? How are you feeling? Its okay to need someone else and to confide in others, we are all wired for connection, and when we have greater demands placed on us, we need connection even more.

This season does not need to be stressful, daunting or one that you will grimace at when you recall it in the future. You have the ability to change course at any time, regardless of how it may all have started. A very wise person said to me, “don’t write an ending you will hate.” You can create the story you want. This season is truly about light, love, and joy. It’s a season about giving and reminding us that it isn’t about the presents under the tree (or the lack thereof) but the presence around it. Some of us might not even have a tree, and that’s okay too. We do not have to have a lot to make the most of what we have. For those of us who have kids, the best thing we could ever give them is our time. Memories, things they can look back at and remember fondly. I promise they won’t remember that iPad they got, but they will remember baking cookies with mom or dad. The discrepancy in this season lies in the idea that we must get in order to be happy, but that is the lie society sells. You can not buy happiness, but you can create joy.

Remind yourself:

·         You are allowed to walk away

·         You are allowed to say no

·         You are allowed to decline or accept

·         You are allowed to create new traditions

·         You are allowed to rest and BREATHE

·         You are allowed to make this season your own

·         You are allowed to feel and struggle

·         You are allowed to set and maintain healthy boundaries

·         You are allowed to start fresh every day

·         You are allowed to do what makes you happy.

This season is about redefining… make it what you want it to be and be okay with others not understanding or doing things differently. If we were all meant to be the same the world would be a very boring place. Its okay to be unique and to do things your own way, and the best part, you do not need to feel guilty for it. If you decorate early, great… if you decorate late, good for you… if you don’t feel like decorating at all, so what. To wrap it up, lets be serious… you can also apply the same to events or being with others… if you get there early, great… if you get there late, good for you (you made it!), and if you decide not to go at all, so what… You need to do what’s right and healthy for you. Period. If you want to survive and thrive this season, you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself enough to try.

Mom Guilt

If you are a Mother, to kids of any age, this one is for you…

I have lost countless nights of sleep due to this crippling thought process that arises as I try to close my eyes and allow myself to wake up to a new day.

Suddenly every. little. thing. I. did. wrong. Runs through my mind and I can’t escape the inevitable guilt that washes over me.

“Today I got upset… I yelled when I should have stayed calm… how can I expect them to regulate their emotions when I cant even regulate mine… did I really need to give a consequence for that… did I miss an opportunity to connect…yes, I missed a lot of opportunities to connect… I didn’t spend enough time with them… I didn’t create with them today… I didn’t do that beautiful thing that other mom does… I have to work so many hours… I don’t work outside of the home at all and don’t contribute to the home financially… my kids are missing out… I feel like I am failing them… I am failing them… I am the worst mom ever… my kids deserve so much better…”

I think you get the point. Maybe your thought process isn’t exactly the same, perhaps there are some feelings and emotions I missed, but overall, I think it captures the idea that, as mamas, we easily fall into the comparison trap and beat ourselves up. We focus on all the ways we are failing, instead of all the ways we are succeeding.

What we focus on multiplies.

Truth. Our kids just want us to be present. Even if that’s for 5 minutes a day, and they have our undivided attention. They don’t need the fanciest clothes, or newest toy (though they might get upset when they hear the word no), and they don’t need you to do everything perfectly. In fact, they need to see you mess up. They need to hear you ask for forgiveness, that’s right… you made a mistake and now you need to own it and ask them to forgive you. They need to see that we all have bad days, or make bad choices because no one is perfect, and perfection is an illusion… its something out hearts yearn for, but we will never have this side of the world. They need to see that you make mistakes because it gives them grace to make their own… everything is a learning opportunity. When you had kids, you weren’t given a manual. We are all figuring it out as we go, and the crazy part is, what works for one WILL NOT work for the other. When they see that you are not perfect, they will understand it’s okay for them not to be perfect. It’s okay to make messes, but we must learn to clean them up. It’s okay to get upset, but we shouldn’t act out when we do. It’s okay to make a mistake, but we need to find a way to correct it. Kids do NOT do what you say, they do what you do. They learn through modeled behavior. What your kids deserve is a mom who loves them fiercely and who wants what is best for them. If you are reading this, I can tell you one thing assuredly, you are a fantastic mom.

Yes, you. You are a fantastic, loving, kind-hearted, worried mom that wants to get it all right. You worry about your kids. You worry while they are at school and if they are too bored at home. You worry if they are learning enough, and if they have enough time for free-play and creativity. You worry if them hearing you say S*** will suddenly turn them into potty-mouthed punks that disrespect everyone they come across. You worry about their attitude. You worry if they are safe and if they would come to you with anything big that needed to be disclosed. You worry if they are sleeping enough and eating well. You worry if they have good friends and are making good choices. You worry about how much you worry about them, and if your worry is messing them up.

And the crazy part is, the moms who worry are the moms that are wonderful… (I am not saying if you don’t worry about all of these things you are anything less than wonderful, I am just saying that in most cases, as moms, we all tend to worry about the tiniest details, and the love is in our worry).

Mama let me tell you clearly, LOVE covers a multitude of wrongs ((slightly paraphrased) 1 Peter 4:8).

The most valuable thing I can share with you is this… create connections. If you have multiple children, take time each week, it doesn’t have to be lengthy or expensive, to spend time with them individually.  Have those heart conversations. Start a journal between the two of you, you’ll be surprised what they put in it. Have 5 minutes a day of unfiltered talk time… they can say anything they need to, no consequences or judgement. Ask them open-ended questions. Take an interest in what they like, even if you can’t remember Charzard from Charmeleon, or Princess Poppy from Elsa… they love that you want to know. Encourage them, but also help them with areas in which they can grow. Its important to remember that no one is great at everything, and even our kids struggle in certain areas or have bad days. Grace goes a long way, and when all else fails, grace upon grace.

At the end of the night, regardless of how bad the day was, remember its just a bad day and not a bad life. You are not unredeemable, your kids are not unredeemable, the situation is not unredeemable. Sometimes we have to start fresh, try new ways because the old ones aren’t working. We have to be willing to admit what works and what doesn’t, and also to create healthy boundaries around our lives to build the lives we want. As mamas we are multi-tasking geniuses… we do it all and then some. But don’t forget mama, that you are important too. That your well-being, mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health matters. That you can’t pour from an empty cup and its important to be in community with others that can pour into you.

Your kids, they love you. They love that you love them, that you are there for them. That you sing to them, or play with them, or read to them… they love the little traditions you have and the rituals you create, and the truth is, they love all the little things you think no one pays attention to. They love you just as you are, exactly as you love them… and I have heard from some older-wiser mamas, that when they say they hate you; you are *actually* doing your job. So, rest easy mama, your kids are amazing because of your amazing love.

Remember mama, mom guilt is real, but so is Gods grace, and grace wins every time.

The Pressures of Adolescence and how we can begin to help.

The pressures of being a kid or teen in our society today are monumental. Constantly being “on,” and never being able to fully unplug, or at least feeling like you can’t, has left them stressed, highly anxious and much more depressed than previous generations. They report higher levels of loneliness, isolation, disconnection and dissatisfaction with life in general. The appearance of always being “connected” has created an illusion in the minds of their parents and makes us susceptible to missing all the signs of depression and anxiety, amongst other things like self-harm and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Aside from this, it is also one of the most competitive generations we have yet to see. “Normal” has become the worst possible thing to be, because in order to achieve success you must be set apart. They push themselves harder, taking more difficult classes and larger class-loads, they sign up for community service along with tons of extra-curricular activities all while losing sleep and forgetting when they ate last… did I mention that they also drink large amounts of caffeine, and we are not taking into account all the other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Of course, this does not account for each child or adolescent, but in general we are seeing higher levels of stress and feeling like they have no where to turn. They often hear things like, “You have nothing to be stressed about... This is life, you just need to suck it up… Its time that you learn to grow up and deal with this stuff… You can’t use your anxiety as an excuse… You have nothing to worry about… Just wait until life gets really hard…” and the list goes on. Also, we often forget that just because someone is a child or teen it does not exclude them from having big emotions or bad days, and yet we expect (unknowingly many of the times) perfection. We expect them to fall in line, to do what we say, to never talk back, to not have attitudes, to never be upset about something, to pull it together and to basically be sunshine and rainbows because why would they have feelings other than joy?

When they try to come to us about the hard things and we dismiss them because we are uncomfortable or don’t know how to help them, we essentially tell them that we aren’t safe to go to and they need to deal with it alone. This creates a dynamic for isolation and frustration. It is okay if we don’t always have the answers, we need to let them see that too… often, they just want someone to hear them out, to validate their feelings and what they are going through, and to be there for them unconditionally.

The preteen and teen years are some of the most difficult! Not fully adult, not fully child… everything changes and is changing around them. They will (sometimes) make bad choices, that doesn’t make them bad. They will (sometimes) make mistakes, that doesn’t mean they are stupid. They will (sometimes) forget to do things, that doesn’t mean they are lazy. They will (sometimes) become overwhelmed, that doesn’t mean they are weak. They will (sometimes) struggle with relationships, that doesn’t mean they don’t want them. They will (sometimes) do things that make you angry, but it doesn’t mean their behavior was personal!

The number one thing I tell families is that behavior is a symptom; we (all) act out when we are struggling to communicate. Behavior is rarely personal, and usually has far less to do with you than it does with themselves. During these years it is imperative that we offer unconditional love and support, which is not devoid of natural consequences and boundaries, but that allows them to learn through growth opportunities. If we never make mistakes, we will always be complacent and there can never be growth in comfort.

We must come together to help them understand that it is normal to feel things, to make mistakes, to struggle in certain areas, and to need someone to connect with and talk to. If you don’t feel equipped, that is okay, and it is also okay to tell them that and encourage them to get help from a professional by making the appointment and supporting them in the ways you know how and are capable. One of the best things we can do is to teach our youth that we all have limits and limitations. We do not know everything, and we do not know how to fix everything. Furthermore, it is okay to lean on and rely on someone who does know more than us. We can reach out, connect, ask for help and learn that we all have giftings and a purpose in this world. Their lives matter and they have a unique purpose; sometimes it can feel like life is crashing in on them and it is hard to see and have hope for a brighter future, but our job is to model how, even through the darkest times there is still hope and there are still people who care.

It is time we stop isolating our youth further by diminishing their struggles and start allowing them to express themselves and be there for them. We wont ever be able to fix everything or have all the right answers, but some things you can do right now are:

Listen to hear not to respond.

Give them a set time (like 5 minutes) to just talk… no consequences, no rules, and no restrictions. They get to share openly without judgement.

Validate their feelings.

Offer hope.

Help them connect with someone who can help.

Be understanding.

Be fully present.

Understand that bad choices don’t make them bad.

And allow them to make mistakes and figure out who they are.

 All of us adults were once in this place, and we know how it felt to be misunderstood and alone. Just imagine adding the pressures of social media and connection, while feeling alone, and increasing the pressure to be perfect  because their lives are always on display. It is time to understand that their struggles are real, and when we pretend they are not, we are doing a huge disservice to them, ourselves and our world. It is often said that it is easier to raise a healthy child than to fix a broken adult, and I agree whole-heartedly. We can help them be their version of healthy by being there for them, loving them and trusting that they know how they feel. We can help by being there, reaching out to others, and allowing them a safe space to be. We don’t need to have all the answers, we just need to connect and love them unconditionally.

Moments

I look back at my life and all I can do is to think of all the things I have done wrong; incomplete, let-downs, mistakes…regrets. I face my failures at every turn, and they seem to be chasing me with an ever-increasing fervency. I desire to escape the treacherous history, to leave behind the things that serve me no useful or healthy purpose, but it appears that I am forever in bondage to the pain of my past. I want so desperately to escape it, to find some hidden cave in which I can hide. Perhaps this is why I have been feeling this way for so long; my soul deeply downcast within me, overwhelming sadness and despair, a hopelessness that eludes to all-encompassing darkness. My anxiety grows within and I feel the sensation that I am falling; falling endlessly to my own ruin, death is before me and I see no hope for a future in which this pain does not exist. These moments have become my definition. Worthless, empty, broken, despised, rejected, forgotten, failure. How can anyone overcome these pits of despair? How can I see even the sliver of light people inquire of me to search for? When darkness engulfs you it is impossible to see clearly… I am searching, I am grasping, but my hope is fading as these moments threaten to overtake me. I wish not to be defined by them, but the weight they carry is a burdensome load.

We all have moments where life feels like it is more than we can bear to carry. We become trapped in our history, defined by the things that are meant to break us. We allow these thoughts to creep in, and then to plant themselves so deeply that we feel rooted and intertwined with them. We forget that light ever existed, because in the darkness you are filled with lies. Your mind is a powerful tool and it creates alternate realities rather easily. If you go to a place that is devoid of manufactured light and you stare at an object long enough, your brain can literally make you believe you are seeing things that aren’t truly there. Perhaps a tree suddenly becomes eerie in the dark; or you get the sense that you are threatened, someone must be lurking. The dark is only scary until your eyes readjust, you find light to focus on, and you realize the moment of darkness didn’t overtake you.

I know that our past often impedes on our future; it thrives when we believe the lies. We all make mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. We all fail sometimes, but you are NOT a failure. When we allow the moments to define our memories, we steal not only the present but also our hope for the future. We do not have to be held captive by moments. We can acknowledge that they happened, we can accept the lesson and move on, and we have the power to focus on the moments that matter.

Why is it that we are so very good at focusing on all the negative things in our lives? Why do we allow those things to define us so deeply? Yet we quickly forget all the good we have done, the life we desire to live, the hope we held to so tightly. I want to remind you today that you are more than those moments. You are more than the mistakes that you have made. You are more than the things you keep hidden in fear that exploring or acknowledging them means you accept them. Here is the truth, not a single person can live this life without messing up… none of us leave here unscathed. Some of us do learn to let go of the things that hold us back and keep us down; perhaps never fully, but enough to understand that moments don’t define us, we define our moments.

You have the power within yourself to not only define your moments, but to change your story. You might not be able to erase your past, but you have the ability to grow through all you’ve gone through. You can change the way you see yourself and the world around you. The moment you choose to focus on what is best for you, what is healthy for you, what you want your future to look like is the moment you have decided to let go and lean in. You lean into the things about you that you struggle with, it’s okay to accept those parts too, knowing that not a single person is without their own faults. You lean into all the good things about you, the things people admire and love, the truth that others have spoken into your life but you have always brushed off. You lean into your past and change “why did this happen” to “what can I learn.” You lean into your accomplishments just as much as you have leaned into your mistakes, and you decide what growth looks like for you.

However dark the past has been, those moments only define you if you give them the power to. Today, I want you remember that you are so much more than a single moment in your life.

Parenting Preteens

Parenting is both one of the most difficult and one of the most rewarding jobs of our lives. We go through seasons as a parent, and each season brings both welcomed and unwelcome changes. Whatever season you are in, please know that being in community with others in your season makes such a huge difference. There are times it can feel like you are all alone, times when you think “Has anyone ever dealt with this?!?!” and then you meet someone who has, and the whole world makes sense again.

Today I want to focus on Parenting for Preteens. I think this is a delicate group of kiddos, and we need to be mindful that we have important jobs and roles in their lives during this season. This is a time of change for them. Typically, they start middle school (which means changing schools), they often change friend groups, they change or become more concrete in their interests, their bodies change, their emotions fluctuate, they are trying to make sense of the world in an entirely new context. Suddenly children are thrown into social media, “Because everyone has one MOOOOMMMM” (my (unpopular) opinion is that kids/preteens and even some teens do not need social media. It tends to have more negative consequences than positive gains) and they become fixated on a world presented as perfect. This age group also experiences an increase in anxiety and depression, and several other mental health concerns (like eating disorders, OCD/OCPD, body dysmorphia, etc). We still see them as our babies, but their world is not in the least bit infantile anymore.

The number one thing to remember is that their emotions matter. Their feelings matter. Why, because their perception IS their reality. What they believe is real, regardless of how much you want them to believe its not. When we negate their feelings, or make it seem like they are inconsequential, we are really conveying, “you are not important to me, your feelings don’t matter to me.” I know that is not at all what you are wanting to convey. I know that it can be stressful to listen to all the “little things,” but if we don’t listen to the things, we think are little, they certainly will not tell us the things we think are big. Everything they share with you is of importance. We might feel like they have nothing to worry about, stress over, or be upset about, but the reality is, they do. The reality is, they are humans and they have the same complex emotions adults do, often with far less effective coping skills and difficulty trying to process it all. They look to us to see what they should do. That does not mean that you throw all boundaries out of the window, of course they still need to maintain their values and morals, but what it means is that maybe you allow them 5 minutes (or more, depending on what you feel is appropriate) a day where they can share with you unfiltered. I mean that, UNFILTERED. No judgments, no consequences, no talking on your end… just listen. You will be surprised as to what you hear and how much this builds trust in your relationship.

The next important thing you can do to foster a healthy relationship with them is to set aside special time with them. Maybe your kiddo likes to grab Starbucks every now and then, go, it will mean so much to them. Maybe you can go shopping together or do something they thoroughly enjoy doing. Listen to music together, create something together, watch a movie or show together, really anything is great, as long as you are together and building your relationship. You can even save up for things together, so you are setting goals and making them a priority.

Lastly, it is important to remember to choose your battles wisely. Think about how you want to be spoken to and cared for. When you are escalated, their attitude will escalate as well. When you are upset, angry, frustrated, yelling or tuning them out, you are teaching them to do the same thing. Remember, they do what you do, not what you say. They will make mistakes, we all do. They will learn and grow through them if you allow them to. It is your job to walk alongside them and provide a safe haven, to be a place of solace in all the craziness they will experience. When we are overly critical, harsh or judgmental we are modeling that those behaviors are acceptable and that they really aren’t safe to come to you. We want to be clued in and aware of what is going on in their world, but if we get defensive and angry with them all the time, we are just pushing them away, not pulling them closer.

The overall goal is to be a mindful parent. You won’t be perfect because perfection is a lie, but every time you honestly try, they will see it. When you make a mistake and ask for forgiveness you are teaching them vulnerability, trust, mercy and forgiveness. When you go to them and genuinely show an interest in them and what they like, you are modeling healthy relationships. Our kids need us, even though they are more independent and trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, they need us to model for them what a healthy individual looks like. A healthy individual has boundaries, they know their role(s) and they utilize their skills to best fill them, they reach out when they need help, they stay in community and connection with like-minded people, they are always looking for opportunities to grow, they participate in things that fill their lives with joy, they make mistakes, they apologize, they feel sad or anxious sometimes, they need rest. A healthy individual is the best thing we can model for our children because we know that behavior is cyclical, they will do what you do. I don’t know about you, but I have never felt at my best when someone is angry with me, yelling at me, or making me feel less than. In fact, when that happens, I tend to turn away from that person because no one wants to be treated that way, EVEN if they are in the wrong. Constructive criticism is built on a trusting foundation and it requires people to be kind and gentle in the midst of offering something that will benefit and allow the other to make a gain. If someone comes to me and reminds me how hard I work and how dedicated I am, and then they offer me great advice on how I can be more efficient with my time so I am not so stressed, I am much more likely to lean in and trust that person. Why? Because I know they have my best interest at heart.

Today, regardless of what has happened, look that precious baby (that’s not a baby anymore) in the eyes and tell them how much you love them. Affirm all the good you see. Remind them why they are important to you. Fill them with love and build your relationship on that foundation. No one can change the past, but we can surely navigate our current situations to be different and positive, and we can create the story we want to live together. If you are in a place of brokenness with your preteen remember that change starts within. When they see you making a genuine effort (and it might take longer than you’d like), they will eventually turn toward you again. We can’t wait for them to change their behaviors; we must be willing to model that change first. I know there will be hard days, days it seems impossible, days you want to crawl under a rock and hide (or eat lots of chocolate in a closet), but I promise, like everything else in the world, this too shall pass. Take a step back, breathe, allow yourself to be in a good place and then try again. They need to know that you will not give up on them, and that your love is unconditional.